10. Xavier
TEN
XAVIER
“ Y ou didn’t run,” I said matter-of-factly, still in a daze after our kiss. My eyes blinked slowly as I took in the redness around her lips and the color on her cheeks.
“I didn’t.”
Her shaky voice told me her choice was something she hadn’t seen coming. She didn’t seem at war with herself, but wasn’t positive she’d made the right decision either. She wanted it as much as I did—I could see that.
So why was she overthinking it? Was she scared of what this kind of involvement would mean for her career? Or did she have someone else?
The thought sent a rush of heat through my veins, my skin burning at the abundance of unpleasant scenes going through my head. I pictured a man touching her skin, her hair, her lips—and all I wanted was to make it stop.
How was it possible to experience such jealousy over something that hadn’t even happened? When I’d known her for less than a week?
Her phone rang, and the moment she read the name of the caller, her entire posture changed, her back straightening and face turning to stone. It's like she’d completely forgotten about me or anything else around. Arianna sat up from the bench and answered the call.
“Yes?” Arianna’s voice was on edge. She took a deep breath, her eyes round as she listened to the other person on the line.
I squinted at her. If I had to guess, whoever called her either didn’t reach out often, or didn’t phone her unless it was important.
“Why didn’t you call me sooner? I would’ve changed my flight.” She paced from one side of the bench to the other, a hand in her hair. I stood there, because I had no idea what to do to help.
“Giulia comes first, Mamma. What I can and can't handle is my decision to make,” Arianna sighed, dropping back onto the bench. “Is she okay now? What did the doctors say?”
Giulia? Did she have a sister?
She had a frown on her forehead, and her teeth sunk into her bottom lip. “I should’ve been there,” Arianna replied in a small voice. “I know, I know. Is she sleeping now? I want to talk to her.” She nodded at something her mom said. “Alright. Call me when she wakes up. Bye, Mamma.”
Arianna ended the call, staring into the distance without blinking. I dragged myself closer to her and she flinched, suddenly remembering I was there.
“Is everything okay?”
Tears filled her eyes, but she didn’t let them escape. She shook her head, looking down at the phone in her lap. Arianna bit her lip, glancing at me as if she was considering whether to tell me what had happened or not.
“My mom called,” she started. “It’s my daughter, Xavier. She’s sick.”
I opened my mouth, but I had no idea what to say. She had a daughter? How old was she? Where was her dad?
She laughed ironically. “I realize I wasn’t there for her.” Her eyes met mine in a sharp, cutting way, but it wasn’t directed at me. It was directed at herself. “Do you know I missed her first steps? The first time she talked? Yet she still loves me, and cries every single time I’m away. She doesn’t remember all of that, but I do. I remember.” She shook her head, a tear slipping down her cheek. I stretched out my hand, wanting to wipe it away, but she drew back. “When she was born … after her father died, I couldn’t even hold her. She looked so much like him it pained me. But then she smiled, and I realized it was us against the world. Still, I found myself crying for unconsciously resenting her for being the perfect copy of Enzo. What kind of mother does that, Xavier?”
The question took me by surprise, but somehow the answer sat on the tip of my tongue. “The kind of mother whose husband died while she was pregnant. The kind of mother who went through birth alone. And the kind of mother who was still mourning when a crying, helpless newborn was put into her arms.” Her tears ran down her cheeks to her chin. I placed a palm under her ear, my thumb caressing the corner of her eye. “Resenting her doesn’t make you a bad mother. Realizing that what you were doing was wrong while you were still suffering makes you a great mother. You tried to be a mom and a dad at the same time, and that’s not an easy thing to do.” I paused and took a deep breath, because what I was about to say wasn’t easy to talk about. “When my dad left us, my mother couldn’t even look at me. I didn’t hate her, I wasn’t upset with her, I just couldn’t understand why she wasn’t grieving the way I was. She didn’t cry, she didn’t look at his old photos, she didn’t smell his clothes like I did. But then, just like you did, she realized that what she was doing was wrong. I don’t know how old your daughter is, but it’s never too late.”
She swallowed and nodded, lost in her inner thoughts. “You seem like you have enough on your plate,” Arianna said suddenly, and didn’t give me the chance to contradict her before she got to her feet and spoke again. “Thank you for this beautiful day, Xavier, but we can’t do this again. Don’t waste your most beautiful years by complicating your life with someone like me.” A barely visible smile rose on her lips. “Goodbye, Xavier,” she whispered, then leaned down to place a kiss on my cheek before leaving me to stare at her back as she walked away from me.