Chapter 16 The Wedding
Chapter 16
The Wedding
A s I’d drifted off to sleep, I’d had hopes of waking up early. Chloe and I would have a conversation about the night before—or, at worst, a lot of hot morning sex. But I must have hit snooze without realizing it, and so we were basically both running late before even getting started. There was absolutely no time for thoughtful conversations about what was happening here between us—and no time for orgasms, either, though I knew we could get that accomplished more easily and quickly than that conversation about what was next for us.
I genuinely wasn’t sure which one I craved most.
The wedding party was meeting at the venue for professional hair and makeup, and—in another fit of generosity—Ari and Nina had invited me to partake in this as well. It was incredible to watch a team get this particular wedding party ready; I’d been in Fiona and Hailey’s weddings, and those had both been pretty standard affairs. I’d worn traditional bridesmaid dresses—neither of which had been super flattering for me—and gotten the same blowout that every woman got, making us look vaguely related or cult-y or both. Today it was like everyone’s individuality was celebrated. The wedding party was wearing shades of pinks, reds, and oranges, solid-color garments from long dresses to perfectly tailored suits to jumpsuits that were both dashing and heartthrobbingly tough. Or maybe it was just easy to think that because of how Chloe looked in hers, luxe swagger and glamour rolled into one.
I did my best to treat her neutrally, though I could hardly think of anything but our night together. The rest of the group, of course, would assume we’d been sleeping together for months now; my jumpy giddiness at the sight of her and of the sensation of her sitting close to me wouldn’t make sense to anyone else. From Chloe’s standard demeanor I wasn’t sure it would make sense to her either. Maybe for her it hadn’t been the night it had been for me. Maybe for her this was standard hotel hookup behavior.
My phone buzzed while I watched a makeup artist apply a subtle eye makeup look to Chloe, and since I was probably staring in practically a creepy manner, I was relieved for the interruption.
Until I saw the screen. RED ALERT! Greg had texted to Marisol and me. We should have a meeting this weekend to discuss the party! We are down to the wire!
I sighed deeply.
“Everything OK there?” Sofia asked me. She’d also opted for a jumpsuit like Chloe, but unlike Chloe’s red fabric, Sofia’s was a vibrant orange that popped against her tan skin. Everyone truly looked their most beautiful, and I was a little overwhelmed by all of them.
Sex had really rattled my brain.
“Yeah, just my brother and this party, which I don’t think necessitates a red alert ,” I said, tapping out a reply that we could talk about the party once I was home from my friends’ wedding. I thought back to Greg and Marisol’s wedding, which was also fairly cookie-cutter, and to add insult to injury I hadn’t even been asked to be part of it in any way.
“It’s soon, though, yeah?” CJ asked. They were in a Barbie-pink suit and looked incredibly cool and joyful all at once. “Then the whole thing’s done and no more red alerts until—I don’t know, Christmas, I bet.”
“Christmas for sure,” I said. “But you’re right. It’s just a couple weeks away.”
I tried to make eye contact with Chloe to gauge her reaction to that. Did that timeline still hold significance to us? Had that all fallen away now that we were—well, also, what were we? I knew I was na?ve to assume things had automatically changed because of sex. It wasn’t the sex, though—despite that it had been good enough to have changed just about whatever it wanted. Things had felt so open between us, no pretending or holding back, just the two of us and everything we actually wanted. At least physically. We hadn’t gotten around to the rest of it, but I had to hope that soon we would.
Not that I knew what I wanted! But the truth was that I was starting to feel like it was this, exactly . Chloe, in bed and on road trips and nudging me about stupid inside jokes about peppers. This group of friends who’d already come to support me and make space for me and make sure I was taken care of. If this fake thing worked so well, didn’t it make sense to do it for real?
Last night, after all, we’d really done it for real. Not the sex, either. Last night we’d said what we wanted. Last night we hadn’t held back.
“You’re making a weird face,” Chloe said, sitting down next to me. The makeup artist had applied liquid liner so precisely, and Chloe looked even tougher and hotter than usual. I stared down at her thigh next to mine and willed my hand to stay in place in my lap. We weren’t a squishy couple, after all, in Chloe’s words. It’d be strange if suddenly I couldn’t keep my hands off of her.
“Just my regular face,” I said. “Well, my regular face with better makeup.”
“Hi, Clementine?” A person with a clipboard walked up to us, their face in a polite but clenched expression. “I’m so sorry, but I think it’s a good time to take you down to the venue while the wedding party attends to a few pre-ceremony duties.”
There was some mild pushback from CJ, Sofia, even Bianca and Phoebe, but I let the polite person lead me out. And not just because Chloe hadn’t made even the mildest effort to keep me there longer. She wasn’t squishy, I reminded myself. And, despite their politeness, the clipboard person was fairly intimidating. There was no reason for me to stick around anyway. I’d only be in the way, and there’d be plenty of time at the reception to—
I caught myself and laughed. To what? To stare at Chloe and hope she gave me a sign as to what she was thinking? To gaze at her lips, her hands, her neck, and think about the worlds I felt we’d opened up last night? To lean in close to her, as if a brush against her skin would be enough to quell the desire that still pulsed hot in me now?
The venue was at the tasting room of a local vineyard in downtown Santa Barbara, with a courtyard full of sunshine and greenery within the property that felt open and private all at once. The space had been decorated with flowers to match the vivid reds, pinks, and oranges of the wedding party, and I genuinely felt a little stunned at the beauty.
I’d assumed I’d have to fill a lot of time before the ceremony began, but cater-waiters were already circling with trays of wine and hors d’oeuvres, and a small group of people I vaguely recognized from the rehearsal dinner gestured for me to join them. There were a couple of other significant-others-not-significant-or-long-term-enough to be included in the wedding party, as well as friends of theirs, and even though no one had met me for longer than five minutes previously, I felt that I’d been made a part of this sort of ragtag group of others.
It was no day, I knew, to be maudlin; we were literally here to celebrate the love of people we cared about. I had fancy cheese and a beautiful rosé coursing through my veins—on top of the heap of good endorphins buzzing through me from my night with Chloe. Still, it was hard for me not to think about the life I’d all but stumbled into, this fake and temporary thing that felt so solid and real, and how many years I’d spent thinking I had everything I already needed and not trying for more. The time I spent knowing Will and I wanted different things but hoping somehow the situation fixed itself. Going to so many weddings together where the choices felt like ones I’d never make, all the while holding Will’s hand and trying to ignore the look on his face. Watching my best friendships slip into a lower priority and having no idea how to fix it.
And yet here I was, feeling pretty fulfilled, all things considered. I had no idea it was possible to get everything you wanted—well, most of what I wanted, the whole job thing was at best still up in the air—and feel to some degree like I shouldn’t enjoy it at all. Not if it wasn’t actually real.
Then I thought of how Chloe had looked at me last night, how Chloe had pulled me in for a kiss, and I wondered if maybe I could enjoy every last bit of it after all.
The venue filled with guests, and I stayed with my new group as we guessed who belonged to whose family and whose first time it was attending a lesbian wedding. (To be fair, it was my first time, but it was like being queer canceled that out somehow.) A couple folks figured out the path taken by the cater-waiters from the kitchen, and we positioned ourselves to get first selection off the trays each round.
A live band began a set of instrumental love songs, old and new, cheesy and perceptive, sweeping epics and bangers. We were urged to our seats by the clipboard person and team, and I sort of marveled at the way the space had been filled with chairs in rows at slightly different angles. It wasn’t a giant outdoor area but it felt full in the best way, a big group circled up to celebrate two people.
I watched as the wedding party walked down the center aisle, circling around so no one had to crane their necks to see. Chloe’s friends looked gorgeous , special-occasion-dressy like a wedding called for but so like themselves in a way that felt rare. And Chloe—I couldn’t stop staring at her. The figure she cut in that red jumpsuit. The strong jut of her chin as she walked through the crowd. The way her eyes sought out mine and we held each other’s gazes for a moment long enough others noticed.
A thrill tangibly shook through the room as Nina and Ari walked out together, arm in arm. Nina’s dress was a vision of creamy organza and chiffon, and her brown waves cascaded elegantly around her bare shoulders. Ari was in a tuxedo in the same shade of creamy white, perfectly cut slacks and blazer, matching shirt unbuttoned almost to her waist. I genuinely felt overwhelmed at their beauty, both separately but especially together, and a little hitch pulled in my chest that—
Well, I still didn’t want the life Will had wanted for us. But there was nothing about the event happening here that felt like it was for other people. It wasn’t about fulfilling certain roles or doing what society wanted. As Ari and Nina read the vows they’d each written themselves, I was relieved that I heard others sniffling before I admitted I was tearing up more than a little myself. It felt exactly like the celebration of these two women and the love they’d found together.
“… The truth is that when I met you, I didn’t know you were someone I could wish for,” Nina said, looking right at Ari as if no one else was there. “And it didn’t matter because of course I couldn’t help but wish for you anyway. So it wasn’t just that you felt like a wish granted, though you did. It was that when you came into my life, you made it so much bigger. You made all my dreams feel like they were possible. If you were there, loving me, what couldn’t we have together? And I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life finding out.”
It wasn’t, I knew, that suddenly I wanted to get married or change the life I’d been searching for. That much I knew; I could long to find someone to spend forever with and still do it in a way that felt like it was just for me. But something felt opened up, shaken loose in me, that everyone’s possibilities were bigger and more unique than I’d realized.
“… I had a lot of ideas for how my life would go,” Ari said to Nina, a laugh pulling at the edges of her words. “The people in my life were mostly nice enough not to use the actual phrase control freak but I could read between the lines. But when I met you it hit me how my plans and lists and demands didn’t matter the way I thought they did, not when someone this unexpected could make me rethink all of it. And it’s so special to share my life with someone who shakes everything up and challenges me and makes me see how much bigger this world is than the little narrow view I had. I love that you said something about spending our life together finding things out, because that’s exactly how I feel too—sorry, I’m going off-script here, I’m just so in love with you and this life we already have and all the future lives we’re going to share together.”
There were so many people, I could feel, not just Nina and Ari but so many people , who were like me in that they wanted exactly the life they saw for themselves. Maybe it was just the rush of love at this perfect fucking wedding but I’d never felt less of a distance from others. Nina and Ari clearly hadn’t planned any of this with the world’s expectations in mind; they’d done it for themselves and the people they loved. They’d done it for each other. And I couldn’t believe it had taken me this long to realize how many people were finding the specific lives they wanted too, no matter how they looked to other people, no matter other people’s expectations.
Whatever it was that I wanted, I’d never felt so sure it felt OK to find it. Though as the music swelled, and Chloe followed the rest of the party through the venue to the receiving line, we locked eyes again and I hoped we might be able to find whatever it was together.