CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Breck
I ’m staring out the wall of windows, across the deck, up to the darkened mountains beyond. Snowflakes fall, coating everything in a soft blanket of white. I’m the only one awake, and the silence around me is barely a match for the volume of my thoughts. After hours of restlessness, I finally gave up on sleep and have been sitting here ever since. Staring at nothing and contemplating everything.
For the past two months in Tahoe, it’s felt like Willow and I have been on vacation from our real lives. This week has been a bit of a wake-up call, but even the dose of reality that comes with Willow starting school tomorrow has nothing on the email sitting in my inbox. The one that arrived just before I went to bed last night. It’s the proverbial pin that has obliterated the cocoon of perceived normalcy we’ve been basking in.
The new owners of Adventure Chasers are asking for a video call with me, Talia, and Drew to go over some logistical issues they’re having. On the surface, the request is innocuous: new owners asking previous owners for insight. But the idea of getting on a call with Talia and Drew feels like an invasion of the safe space I’ve been building since they left. The email specifically asks for all three of us to be available, and I have to assume there’s a reason for that.
It’s hard enough to think of my business in the hands of someone else, but to have to deal with Talia and Drew seems insurmountable. Adventure Chasers was my baby. I wanted to work with people, offer them the best experiences Sydney had to offer, and participate in those adventures with them every day. I never wanted to sell. In fact, when the offer came in, I said no on the spot. I wasn’t interested in the slightest. It was Talia and Drew who pushed me to consider it.
I didn’t understand why they’d want to sell and start over, have to find new jobs when the one we had was perfect. Apparently, it was only perfect for me. Apparently, they’d been waiting for just such an opportunity to get out, leave, and never look back.
The sun illuminates the slopes outside in slow increments as my cup of tea grows colder in my hand. A new day dawning. One I’ve been looking forward to for weeks.
Of course this email would come on the eve of Willow’s birthday, and bring with it the rain cloud of the past that I’ve been avoiding. A reminder that the future I saw for myself is forever changed. A future I saw in vivid clarity on a Tuesday in June almost nine years ago.
My knuckles have barely lifted from the door when it flies open and, before I even have a moment to process, a white stick is thrust into my hands. I take it and Talia turns her back on me, walking away, while I study it. The stick shows two pink lines.
Pregnant.
Talia is pregnant.
I drag my eyes to the woman sitting on her living room floor, head in her hands. A sheet of dark hair falls across her face, shoulders shaking, and her muffled cries pull me toward her.
This was not what I expected when she called me over here today. If I’m honest, I thought she was ending things. Instead, this feels like a cementing of things. I look back to the stick, and even though I’m absolutely fucking terrified, there’s a jolt in my system too. I’m going to be a dad .
There’s a lot happening in my head, in my heart, in my gut right now. The emotions are threatening to overwhelm me, like they’re doing to Talia, but I need to be the one to hold her up now. I can be that guy for her. Maybe I can even be as good at this as my father was. That’s the goal. From this moment on, that’s the goal.
“Talia?” I gentle my voice.
She looks up from her hands, her eyes puffy and swollen. I lower myself next to her, draping an arm around her shoulders.
“It’s going to be okay. I promise. We’ve got this, yeah?” I kiss her head, but she jerks away.
“How will this be okay, Breck? I’m—” She breaks off on a sob. “Pregnant.” She forces the word from her lips.
“I know, Tal, I know. This wasn’t the plan, but I’m here. We will figure it out together.”
“You’re… you’re not mad?” Her lip quivers.
“Mad? No, Talia, I’m not mad. Honestly…” I let a smile grow on my face, pushing my dimples up my cheeks. “It might not be the timing I would’ve chosen, but I’ve always wanted to be a dad.”
What crosses her face looks more like anguish than anything else. This is a much bigger shock for her than it is for me. I understand that. Everything she knows about her body is about to change unexpectedly, but I can be here in every way possible to make this easier for her.
“I don’t… I didn’t think I would ever be a mom.” She looks away, and her admission feels like a punch.
Does she not want this? I mean, beyond the shock, beyond just being freaked out. Does she truly not want this at all? Not with me, not with anyone? My heart constricts in my chest.
“Talia… I know it’s only been a few months, but I’m all in with you, with this baby, if you want me to be.” I give her an imploring look and hope she sees that I’ll support her. She won’t ever have to do this alone. I know she didn’t have a positive experience growing up with a single mom. She doesn’t want that for her own life.
I hold her eyes, bring my lips to hers in a gentle kiss, and silently beg her to let me be there for her, for them. I beg her to let me in, to let me try.
When she pulls back, her eyes are tipped down, but there’s a small smile on her lips. She nods, and that tiny movement lights me up from the inside out. My smile grows wider and I hug her to me. I whisper that I’ll always be there for her, that she’ll never have to do this life alone.
Eight months and thirty-six hours of active labor later, I think Talia just might want to kill me for this. We both know her getting pregnant wasn’t completely my fault—turns out condoms really do break and birth control isn’t as effective when you’re on prescription antibiotics—but for the moment, she gets to blame me all she wants because she’s the one pushing a tiny human out of her body.
She squeezes my hand so hard I wince, but I suffer in silence, rubbing her back as she pushes through another contraction. The doctors and nurses, the beeping and noise… it’s overwhelming in this small space, but my sole focus is the woman in front of me who just made me a father.
The doctor lifts the crying, wiggling mess up so we can see her.
Her.
“It’s a girl,” he says, and I go weak at the knees.
Talia didn’t want to find out the sex ahead of time and the suspense has been killing me. A girl. My cheeks hurt from the way my smile overtakes my face. I turn to Talia, who’s slumped back against the bed in exhaustion, and I beam with pride.
“Want to do the honors, Dad?” The doctor holds out the scissors for me to cut the umbilical cord and I am the proudest dad there ever was. Dad. Tears form in my eyes as I wish mine could be here right now. I wish he could meet his granddaughter. The tears slip over with the snick of the scissors. The doctor quickly finishes what I started and hands our daughter to Talia. Her sleepy eyes take in the tiny creature in her arms and there’s a small smile on her lips when she looks at me.
Rearranging the baby on her chest, she reaches for me and skims her thumb across my cheek, wiping a tear away. I can’t stop them as I take her in. Sweat-slicked hair in a messy bun, no make-up, IV in her hand… but with our daughter in her arms, I’ve never loved her more or thought she was more beautiful. She’s going to be an amazing mom.
“I love you.” I lean in and kiss her forehead, lingering there for a moment. My fingers come to the tiny body in her arms, lightly tracking to wrap around an itty bitty foot. “I’m in awe of you, Talia. Look what you brought into the world.” She glances down at the same moment I do and stares like she can’t believe it either.
“Thank you for making me a father.” I kiss her. This is it. This is my family. This is all I ever wanted. “Marry me.”
She gasps against my lips and pulls back. It’s not the first time I’ve asked, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. I asked her the night she told me she was pregnant and she said no—said she wasn’t ready. I’ve been persistent, asking her every month since, but she keeps telling me no. It’s become a bit of a running joke.
“Thought it was worth a try.”
She laughs and kisses me again. “It was a nice try, but the answer is still no.” I know it’s not her rejecting me . It’s her rejecting the need to get married in order to be a family. Marriage just isn’t important to her, and though it is to me, it isn’t something that’s worth fighting over. We’re a family regardless, and a piece of paper or a ceremony isn’t going to change that.
“Your turn.” She adjusts the baby, and I quickly pull my T-shirt over my head so I can be skin to skin with her. The books all said it’s important, and I’m nothing if not a perfect student. I take my baby girl in my arms and feel everything inside me melt. My heart no longer beats only in my chest but in her tiny one as well. A nurse hands me a swaddle to wrap around us, and I take it without once looking away from the bow of her lips or the button size of her little nose.
Sitting down in the rocking chair next to the bed, I tuck her more closely into my chest and place the blanket over us both. A hand fights its way out and I reach for it. Her fingers wrap around one of mine and I know, without a doubt, that I’ll never be the same.
“You look pretty content over there.” Talia’s quiet voice pulls me out of the haze of baby love.
“Yeah. This is—” I clear my throat, the knot of emotion threatening to overwhelm me again.
“You ready to name her?” she asks.
We talked about names and settled on one for a boy and one for a girl so we’d be prepared at the birth. I won’t lie and say that I wasn’t hoping for a girl, and part of that was for the name we chose.
I track my eyes over my daughter’s face. “Ten minutes in this world, Willow, and it’s so much brighter because you’re in it.”
The scrambling of feet on hardwood floors brings me out of the memories just in time to brace myself before Willow crashes into me.
“Dad! I’m eight!” she exclaims.
“You sure are. And you know what?” I smile down at my beautiful girl.
“What, Daddy?” Anticipation shines in her eyes.
“Eight years in this world, Willow, and it’s so much brighter because you’re in it.” She hugs me hard, and I hug her back. Words can’t fix all the hurt of the last few months, but maybe these ones—that I say every year on her birthday—will remind her that she’s my whole world and I’ll always be here.
Rory helped me plan a little birthday celebration for Willow—just the three of us plus Jamie. He was invited at Willow’s request, because she’s absolutely harboring a girlhood crush on the redhaired Scotsman. Not sure how I feel about that, but I do like Jamie.
The doorbell rings and Rory runs to open it, finding the man himself standing there, arms filled with presents.
“He makes a good pack mule, don’t you think?” She laughs lightly and it chimes with mirth.
“Ha-ha.” He grunts. “Can I come inside now so I can set all this shi—stuff down.”
“Good catch,” I say. “Willow doesn’t need any more funds in her swear jar.”
“Swear jar?” Jamie grins.
“Yeah, man. How do you think I’m paying for this condo?” I help him with the bags and boxes, revealing his face to the room. As soon as Willow sees him, she starts running and I have to set down my stack of gifts and grab the rest from him so they won’t topple to the floor when she collides with him.
My phone rings in my pocket and I take the moment when everyone’s distracted to pull it free.
Talia’s name flashes on the screen.
I didn’t block her number because even with everything she did, she’ll always be Willow’s mom. There’s a tearing and a swelling in my heart all at once. I hate her for calling right now, but I’m also glad in a way. Willow deserves a phone call today at the very least. Maybe Talia still has some love left in her for this little family she obliterated.
I swipe across the screen before I can think better of it. “Tal—” I say, lifting the phone to my ear. Every head in the room snaps to mine and there’s barely masked hope behind watery blue eyes.
“Breck.” Her voice feels like a physical blow, but I attempt a smile and remind myself I’d do anything for one more phone call from my own mom. “We got the email and thought we should coordinate the meeting.”
Every bit of air in my lungs leaves me in a rush and I physically feel my face fall, along with my shoulders. I can’t look at Willow. Turning my back on the prying eyes, I hurry up the stairs without a word.
“Breck?” she says again, but I’m not saying another word until I’m behind a closed door.
The moment I’m shut in my room, I whisper-hiss into the phone. “You’re calling about the fucking meeting Talia. Today?” I should’ve never answered. I’m going to be the one picking up the pieces of this shitstorm yet again.
“Yes, what’s wrong?” She’s so fucking oblivious it makes me seethe.
“Over two months, Talia. Months without a word, and you pick today, of all fucking days, to call about a goddamn meeting. Do you care so little that you’ve already forgotten today is Willow’s eighth birthday? She heard me answer the phone…” I scrub a hand across my eyes, trying to keep myself in check. “She thinks you called to talk to her. God dammit .”
“Her birthday was yesterday,” Talia says matter-of-factly. I can almost picture her looking at her nails as if this bores her. “Or… where are you?”
Fuck. She’s right. She doesn’t know we’re in Tahoe. Damn time change. The anger boils higher now though, because she didn’t forget. She knew it was yesterday, and she still didn’t call.
“How dare you, Talia. How fucking dare you. You know what? You and Drew”—I spit his name with as much venom as I can muster—“take the call with the new owners and tell them if they have specific questions for me then they can call me personally. Do not call me again. Do not reach out to me again. You didn’t want us. You didn’t want me. You didn’t want her. Fine. But you don’t get to call and disrupt the lives we’re trying to rebuild in the wake of your departure. Fuck you, Talia.”
I hang up the phone.
My breathing is labored, barely sucking air into my lungs. They feel tight and uncomfortable. I sit on the bed and put my head between my knees, trying to get the shaking in my hands to subside. What the fuck just happened? Wet tears track down my face, everything I said running a loop in my mind. I hope I made the right decision, but I can’t have her calling whenever it’s convenient for her and destroying the progress we make in between.
My head is heavy in my hands, the weight of the whole world on my shoulders. How do I go back downstairs and face Willow?
“Fuck.” I push off the bed as the door swings open. Rory stands there, calm just covering the concern shining in her eyes.
My body moves without my brain weighing in. I pull her to me, closing the door and pinning her against it, and crash my lips over hers. It’s a distraction that I need this time, and I take it without asking. We’re not supposed to be doing this anymore, but she’s not protesting. Pulling at my hair, she flips us around so I’m pressed against the door. She lifts on her toes, raking her body up along mine as she goes. I grip her hips and pull her closer.
The kiss slows and she pulls back, wiping a stray tear tracking down my cheek. “Are you okay?” I shrug and she continues. “That was Talia?”
I nod.
“She wasn’t calling to talk to Willow I take it?”
I shake my head. “New owners of Adventure Chasers want a meeting. She was calling to set it up. Not a care in the world for it being Willow’s birthday… which she thought was yesterday.” The pain of that lances through me again and I hang my head on Rory’s shoulder. “I told her not to contact us again. I can’t even be sure whether that was the right thing to do. Why isn’t there an instruction manual for how to navigate this situation? That’s what I need. I need someone to tell me how to deal with this and come out on the other side unscathed. Can you do that?”
I look down at her, a plea in my eyes.
“I wish I could. I don’t know if there is a way to escape this. Life never leaves us unscathed; it changes and molds us. But, I promise, you will get through this,” she says and presses a light kiss to my lips.
“I’m sorry for just now. I got lost in the moment. I know we’re not supposed—”
“I know. It’s okay. We don’t overthink what we do together, remember?” She gives me a sweet smile. “But right now, we need to figure out how to pull it together for Willow. Yeah?”
“Yeah…” I blow out my breath. “Did she… Did she say anything after I came upstairs?”
“She told Jamie she thought it was her mom on the phone.”
I shake my head. Her mom . Talia doesn’t deserve that title.
Not anymore.