Once Upon a Christmas Con (Once Upon a Holiday Story)

Chapter 1

Chapter One

CESAR

I’ve been in love with him for half my life, since middle school. Whenever he called, I usually jumped. Today, though, when Kieran texted, I almost missed it because I was beating the crap out of some guy.

It was a morning sparring, not a paid fight, and I’d normally ignore my phone and keep swinging. But in my rush to the gym, I’d forgotten to click to silent mode.

“Your phone, dude,” my sparring partner said through his mouth guard.

“Yeah,” I grumbled, ready to glance at it and ignore whoever it was. Except… it was Kieran. Only Kieran or my mother could make me stop sparring.

“One second.” I wagged a glove at my partner before removing it. I read the message, a goofy smile spreading on my face.

Draining a bottle of water, I quickly texted him back.

Early lunch with u at our park? Yep.

Once my phone was in my bag, I looked at my sparring partner, who was nursing his side where I’d jabbed it.

“Sorry, I gotta go.” I mopped my face.

“What? We just started?”

“We can have a rematch.”

He gave me the stink-eye, still holding his side. I guess we wouldn’t be making friends. In the ring, I worked my size and strength to my full advantage. If he knew me, though, he would understand why I had to go. Outside of the ring, I was a secret wobble of Jell-O in love with my best friend and too terrified to tell him.

I showered, quickly changed into warm clothes, and left the gym. My other gym was closer to the park we’d meet at, so I could always find somebody else to brutalize later. Hopefully the sparring partner there would be more of a challenge.

About a month or two ago, I’d realized I couldn’t keep pining for Kieran. Yes, I’d tried to break his hold on me before, but this time, I’d really do it. This was the perfect chance to put my Christmas plan into action. I had kept postponing it, but the holidays were quickly approaching.

Before reaching the park, I drove through Plaza-Boy Bagels, a hole-in-the wall place that somehow was beloved in our town, maybe because it always had decent coffee and cheap eats for those on the go. I ordered a large cup for the extra-caffeine and egg whites on a plain bagel. I wasn’t sure that I could eat it despite the fact that Kieran expected me to bring my lunch. My stomach was dipping too much with nerves and by the time I parked, I needed a moment before getting out.

I took a deep breath. This will be for my own good. It must be. I have to believe in this one truth. Otherwise, I’ll be stuck—unable to move on. I keep rehearsing the plan my head. The families will be involved, and that was always messy and a risk. But I have to do something. Crushing on my straight best friend was too exhausting.

From the first time I saw him, I knew everything would be all right.

Mami and I had just moved to the seaside town of Pleasant Harbor, New Jersey, from Lima, Peru. My city school in Peru had been bigger, but this one was intimidating because it wasn’t big. As I met with staff and took a tour of the school, it felt as if everybody looked and sounded similar, except me.

Kieran was the closest to the door, his skinny arms resting on his desk, a frayed Band-Aid on his thumb. He looked at me with curiosity as I took the seat next to him. Heat crept up my neck as the teacher introduced me to the class.

“Don’t worry,” he’d told me in a soft voice. He had big blue eyes, flawless skin, and metal braces. A smattering of freckles across the bridge of his nose gave him a slightly dorky look. There was something comforting about him, like I’d just slid into well-worn sweatpants on a lazy Sunday afternoon and had the whole day to relax stretched out in front of me. Immediately, my anxiety lessened at his wide smile.

We quickly bonded over our unusual names. Kieran Mario Coburn was half Irish, half Italian, and his mother searched for “unique” names for all of her children. My mother named me Cesar, a common enough name in Peru, unaware of all the teasing I’d get in America. Despite the different spelling, kids loved calling me “the emperor.”

Years had passed and my friendship with Kieran grew stronger day-by-day. We were constantly together. People knew to ask me if they were looking for Kieran. They teased us about being GPS attached. And it was true, we always knew where the other was.

I’d talk about crazy schemes to make money, he’d talk plants, or whatever popped into his brain. I’d have a dumb smile on my face the entire lunch break. I even wrote him notes between classes, shoving them in his locker. I’d count the hours until school ended. Despite liking school, I couldn’t wait until we’d be together. Some days, I didn’t exhale until I saw him, my heart burning, my secret buried.

“Hey!” he greeted me now, already at our spot in Swandale Park. There were trumpeter swans here every spring, hence the name. Big white swans, usually swimming in pairs, could be spotted when the flowers bloomed. None were visible today, making me wonder where all the swans migrated during other seasons. Were they still with their mates? Did the occasional lone swan long for his more popular best friend?

“How’s it going?” Kieran’s voice was warm as always, combined with his lopsided smile and eyes that sparkled. Kieran was the friend everybody wanted: sweet, supportive, and optimistic.

“Hey, good,” I answered, much more subdued, not sparkly at all. Maybe I wasn’t as openly warm as Kieran, but inside my pulse raced wildly.

He pulled me into a sloppy hug. “Glad you could make it at such short notice.”

I shrugged. “Got to the gym early. Might go to my other one after we eat.”

He chuckled. “That’s way too much exercise for me. I was proud of myself for walking from my car to this bench.”

I rolled my eyes, acting annoyed that he mocked exercising, yet still savoring his hug.

We sat down at the bench and unwrapped our food.

“I got the best burrito in the world from one of the food trucks,” Kieran declared. “But forgot my iced tea and I’m too lazy to walk all the way back to where the trucks are.”

“It’s too cold for iced tea, anyhow,” I grumbled. He rarely thought about himself. “Drink this.”

Good thing I bought a large coffee to share, adding cream and two sugars the way Kieran preferred. I liked it black, but I know he won’t drink coffee that wasn’t a little sweet.

“Thanks, it is cold.” He took a gulp and leaned close to me as he returned the coffee. Kieran was a person who had zero sense of personal space. But I liked it.

I let out my breath finally, drumming my fingers against the Styrofoam cup as Kieran took a big bite of his burrito. Normally, I’d comment on the sauce stains hitting his parka. He was a messy eater, always had been. Yet I greedily drank in the sight of him. Messy or not, he tugged at all my senses. I wanted to gaze at his full lips. Trace the shape of his earlobes with my fingers. Kieran always said his ears stuck out too much, but I thought they were adorable. I wanted to touch them right now. And smell the scent of his hair. Listen to his joyful laugh.

I clamped my lips tightly together, too worried about my scheme to tease him about the burrito. This was awkward for me. My plan depended on the upcoming Christmas holidays, yet my heart rebelled. I had put it off for weeks. So, I sat next to him on our bench, not mocking the sauce stains or saying anything at all.

“Have a bite.” He extended his burrito. “That bagel looks so boring.”

I leaned close, my eyes meeting his, and I took a bite. Despite my knotted stomach, the burrito was flavorful and good.

“Thanks, you’re too generous.”

“Don’t forget too handsome.” Kieran gave an unabashed grin.

He had no clue how much I agreed. I sat in silence, sharing the burrito and coffee, as Kieran chattered on about his week.

I pulled my knit hat lower on my head and sighed. The park had no snow on the ground yet, but the trees were stripped bare, the water dark and murky. Kieran and I loved “our” bench, which faced the lake. Our sleepy town of Pleasant Harbor didn’t have too many exciting places to go, other than to the beach, downtown, or to the parks. If you wanted excitement, you jumped on a train to New York City. Still, this park was full of good memories. Mostly in the summer when we’d chase Frisbees for hours, then trade licks of ice cream before it melted on the cones. I loved those summer days.

Later Swandale Park became a nighttime hangout for bored high schoolers. Couples came here to make out like it was a competition in the Olympics. Or party by the secluded trees, clinking bottles and giggling. I avoided being around Kieran at those times. I could still imagine all those make out sessions Kieran had with girls in this park. Reminding myself with a sharp bitterness why I had to go through with this scheme.

Kieran nudged me with his foot. “If you don’t stop looking broody, I will literally hurl your ass into this icy lake. C’mon. Shake off whatever gloom and doom scenario is on your mind.”

I merely grunted.

“You’re way too quiet today.” He scratched at his chin. “I got it. Tell me this. What if we weren’t raised here? Where would you live?”

“Really? We’re playing the question game?”

Kieran lifted a brow at me. “Are you objecting?”

“Okay, okay…” I wasn’t carefree like Kieran, but he somehow reached that playful side of me. I felt at ease with him in a way I rarely did with others. Maybe because our friendship was always full of affection and support. Being with him had always been the antidote of light to my darkness.

“What’s your answer?”

“Someplace with fewer strip malls,” I replied. “More mountains. You?”

“Jersey’s in my blood.”

“Ugh, predictable. By the way, these are my favorite sweatpants, so no lake tossing.”

“Gray and dingy,” Kieran said cheerfully. “Figures. And I’m still waiting on a question from you.”

We’d played the “what if” question game since we were kids. Kieran didn’t like other games that interested me, ones with sitting or math involved. He had boundless imagination and energy, but his ADHD made him struggle with focusing on academics.

I tried to think of a question instead of zeroing in on Kieran’s face. “Okay, I got one. One dessert for the rest of our life?”

“Apple pie with ice cream.”

I shook my head. “Oh my God. America isn’t listening to you. It’s safe to give answers beyond the Jersey shore and apple pie.”

“I like what I like.” He shrugged.

We smiled at each other. Kieran’s answers never changed. His favorite music, movie, food—always predictable. But I only joked about finding it annoying. In truth, it was comforting to me. Like finding cozy socks and a favorite blanket on a rainy day. I knew Kieran. I could count on him. Sometimes I could even predict his thoughts, and we’d finish each other’s sentences. I couldn’t imagine him ever surprising me.

The first time I knew I loved him, was when he fell out of a treehouse. The treehouse was high off the ground, and Mr. Coburn had built it years ago for Kieran’s older siblings. It was in questionable shape by the time Kieran inherited it. One board was missing, there was sap on the sides, and the floor creaked under my feet.

As someone who loved plants and trees, he spent nearly every day in the treehouse which he’d filled with greenery. I liked watching him water the pots, talking cheerfully to each plant, tending to their leaves with his usual easy humor, his eyes sparkling.

On a particularly windy spring day, we were being goofy—and I took a misstep. Wobbling on the edge, Kieran grabbed me and pushed me away, but lost his own footing, falling instead of me. I shouted when he landed with a thud, racing down the ladder to be at his side. We found out later he’d been lucky and only had a busted rib and a few bad scratches. At the time, I shook with terror as I held him to me, yelling hoarsely for his parents or siblings to help. Looking into his cornflower blue eyes, my heart became his. I knew I loved him and always would.

But it was time to see if my heart could ever want someone else, someone who could maybe want me too. I took a deep breath, and forced my plan into action. “I might need your help on something. It involves your older brother.”

“My brother? Elias?”

“Yeah, since Reid is across the country in California, not to mention engaged to Rebecca. And Samson is only ten. Of course I mean Elias.” I raised my eyebrows. “You’re going to be in charge of the Secret Santa bowl at your folks’ upcoming Sunday dinner, right? Can you help ensure I get Elias as my pick? I’ve got the perfect gift for him planned.”

“Why? What’s the angle?”

I’d often dragged Kieran into my money-making cons as kids. When you were raised by a single parent with money problems, you find ways to make some dough. We did some crazy schemes like selling “Mermaid Juice” to tourists (ocean water with pink food coloring), or making daring bets with other kids like holding our breath under water for too long. My current job fighting was also due to money and could lead to trouble. So, I suppose I’m still doing daring shit with my body at risk. Mami urged me to use my head more, to stay in college, but that didn’t happen.

“No angle,” I said.

“Huh?” Kieran scrunched his nose highlighting the few freckles still there despite the winter.

“Look, it’s not a con, exactly. More like a wooing,” I explained. “I hope Elias wants to actually date me once we get past the first surprise Santa date. That’s my hook to get him to agree, but I’m not joking about it.”

Kieran appeared dumbstruck.

“What?” I asked. “Is this so surprising? Elias is handsome. He’s a fucking model. Why not make a date with your gay, gorgeous, older brother?”

“Wait a second. Lemme think. So, you actually like Elias?” At my nod, Kieran frowned. “But… what would you even talk to him about? He’s a super reading fiend, who’s into clothes and books. Whereas you dress like a frat boy and watch Impractical Jokers. ”

“Hey, so do you!”

“Valid,” Kieran admitted. “I do love Murr and Sal.”

“I’d marry Sal. I’ve got no shame in admitting it.” I leaned closer. “Listen, Kier, I get this might be weird for you. And all I want is a chance to be with Elias alone… see if there’re any sparks.”

“But Elias isn’t somebody you’ve ever been into. And he’s… fucking old. He’s pushing thirty-four. You and me, we’re like half that age.”

“Ten years difference isn’t half.”

“Meh, math. Who cares? The point is you could find plenty of dudes to bang after your UFC matches.”

“Those guys only want that so if I only want sex it’s an option, but I do miss having a boyfriend. Not that Joey was so great.”

Kieran clasped his lips together. “Joey was a disaster.”

Joey had been my first and only real boyfriend. My first and only attempt to get over Kieran. I’d tried to be perfect for Joey, which might have been my mistake. I hid all kinds of pieces of myself. But I couldn’t hide my family problems. He’d walked away just when Mami got sick. He said Mami was too needy, that our lives had become all about her. A disaster summed Joey up perfectly. When we were younger, I didn’t date. Mami was religious, and frankly, I never thought much about girls. I was comfortable within the church or with my friend group and that seemed enough. I was protective with Kieran, possessive, but I’d just thought it was friendship for a long time… When Joey asked me out, I was flattered because he was built and sexy. And Joey wasn’t nice like Kieran. My scarred and wary heart had a better chance with him. Or so I’d thought at the time. Coming out to Mami, that was hard, but she accepted me. Told me I was and would be her son, forever and always. I wanted her to like Joey.

Joey, however, picked me up outside our place, honking his horn. He would check his phone the few times Mami did try to engage him in conversation. I would bite my lip around him, hoping the whole situation would improve with time. I’d discovered I liked sex, liked having somebody in my life. I’d tried to hold onto it, through all the red flags. The biggest: his lack of respect for my mother. In return, Mami didn’t care for him. Not that she ever thought anybody was good enough for me. Her standards were ridiculously high. Thanks to Joey, I began fighting full time to pay our bills when Mami got sick. He did help me in the ring, I’ll give him that much. I’d always done martial arts and boxing for fun, but my size and flexibility made me a natural at competition. Joey was there at the start of my career. But he was never my person.

Kieran was.

When I’d first told him about Mami’s cancer, Kieran held me a long time, before releasing me. “I’m so fucking sorry this is happening,” he’d said, still holding onto my hand, his fingers laced in mine. His gaze steady and calming. He was there for me, then and now. If only I didn’t have to do something drastic to stop being in love with my straight best friend.

“Seriously, Cesar, you deserve somebody more suitable.”

The sweetness on his face made me all twisted inside. A needy part of me even imagined Kieran might be saying this as more than a friend. That he’d been pining for me all this time—like I’d been for him. It was stupid, foolish thinking on my part. And yet. I held my breath a moment as Kieran continued to give me an earnest, kind look. A totally platonic one. Oh, God, help me. I loved him so much I ached.

“Thanks.” My stomach flipped. Being with him was torture. But not being with him was also torture. I sucked in a sharp breath. “Maybe if Elias doesn’t work out I’ll try an app.”

“You can do better than that. Those aren’t for real relationships.”

I went quiet, trying to figure out how to tell him I’d take what I could get. Especially when the only person I wanted a real relationship with was in front of me.

The first time I admitted my feelings were romantic? It must have been at our sophomore dance. Kieran was a terrible dancer, all robotic sudden turns and awkward head bobbing. He had zero rhythm and just didn’t care. As Kieran laughed, spinning around in off-beat circles, I watched him for a long time from my spot on the gymnasium bleachers, wanting, a sharp ache in my chest. And I finally admitted how much more alive I was with Kieran. How I’d become helplessly in love with my best friend.

The ache for him was unbearable. I hadn’t planned to go from loving him to being in love with him. And keeping silent made me an imposter. I didn’t fear Kieran would get angry. He totally wouldn’t. More likely he’d laugh and think it was a joke. Or he’d try and be kind as he let me down. His kindness was a constant, unlike my own rougher moods. Kieran had a smile for everybody and didn’t stew in his feelings.

But my ego couldn’t handle any of those options, so I’d been stuck pretending for all these years. Life has taught me that some pain was necessary, but seeing Kieran and not telling him of my feelings was a crushing weight. I didn’t realize being in love with him would hurt so badly. Of course, I dreamt of telling him the truth. Every last bit of it. Then Kieran would go out on a date with a girl, or he’d tell me I “reminded him of a brother,” or some tiny detail that made me freeze inside. I wasn’t popular. I wasn’t good at smiling; wasn’t good with people. Kieran was it for me. So, yeah my latest scheme was a risk, and might fail spectacularly. Yet it might be just what I needed to finally get over Kieran.

Kieran clenched his teeth as a sharp wind came from nowhere.

“Still cold?”

“Maybe asking you to meet at the park wasn’t smart.” He nodded. “Too bad I skipped the long underwear today.”

I blinked, trying not to imagine him in underwear. So, of course, my treacherous brain flashed on an image of him in tight briefs, ones that showed off his legs and the roundness of his ass. I had to look away or else Kieran might see the longing in my eyes. How I wished I could snuggle him to me and offer my warmth. I could keep him warmer than any long johns.

Instead, I handed him my cup of coffee. “Drink some more of this.”

We sat in silence again, with Kieran drinking, and me lost in thought.

The wind lifted some strands of Kieran’s hair, and his cheeks were rosy from the cold. I tried not to look or think about kissing his cheeks to warm them, so I took my coffee cup back from Kieran and took a swig. Placing my lips at the exact spot Kieran had, right where his mouth had been. I have to stop this. My leg shook up and down; my heart equally shaky.

“Hey.” Kieran placed a gentle hand on my knee. “Relax. If you really want Elias, we can try the plan.”

What Kieran didn’t understand was this Secret Santa con wasn’t about Elias at all. I gazed at him through hooded eyes. I’d become an expert at masking how I felt, but sometimes, my feelings burned close to the surface.

“I just don’t want you to expect much,” he told me, his hand still resting on my knee, killing me. “Elias likes to play the field, you know?” He gazed at me with such concern in his big blue eyes. He wasn’t acting; Kieran really was that fucking nice. He cared deeply about people, had infinite patience for everybody.

I wasn’t nice. Not when I’d like to bend over this bench and order him to fuck me. His sweetness combined with his unconscious sex appeal was kryptonite to me.

“I hear you.” I cleared my throat. “But I might as well try with him. I need some more dating experience. So… If you’re cool with it? We could even double-date. Me and Elias, you and whatever girl.” I tried to joke, my mouth quivering. “Anyhow, I might as well give it a shot with him, right? Since Joey… nobody right has come along.”

“The right one is out there,” Kieran replied, his gaze softening. He leaned in and gave me a squeeze. I rested my head near his for a second, before moving away. Before I gave into his touch completely. He might know I was gay, but Kieran had no idea how stupidly in love with him I was. Everything I was—every part of me—was tangled up with him. But I had to try and stop these feelings. Or bury them, and find somebody else. A way to stop making Kieran my world. “Even if you do date Elias, this whole Secret Santa plan seems unnecessary and complex. Just call him up and ask him out.”

“I’m not good at all that. Not when I gotta talk to people. Remember me in our ninth grade speech class?”

“I had to mop the floor after your speech was done, or I’d have slipped on the sweat. My speech, of course, slayed,” Kieran bragged.

I ignored that, until Kieran shot me his megawatt grin. That I could never ignore. An answering smile curved my lips.

“The thing is—Elias is so polished and smart—it would take a Christmas miracle to get a shot with him.”

“He’s not so polished. I shared a bedroom with the guy, and his side of our room was a disaster. But yeah, you are a sweaty talker.” He nudged me playfully. “But Elias? Really? I see problems with this con or wooing, or whatever the hell you call it… He might live forty-five minutes from us, but New York City is like another planet. Especially the circles he moves in. Are you sure you want a date with him? He drinks nothing but kale smoothies.”

“I like smoothies.”

“His are super gross. The smoothies smell like old feet.”

“I’ll handle it. I just hope Elias wants to handle dating me, with all my flaws.” My voice dipped lower. “He has a lot more experience with guys.”

“You’re amazing, Cesar. The way you singlehandedly helped your mom, financially and as her caretaker at home until she went into remission. Not to mention, you got this whole career out of it. That’s dope.” He rested a hand on my shoulder. “And Elias would be a dope not to realize it.”

I felt heat crawling over my neck. I knew deep in my heart why I had to get this over with.

“Just put a dot on the paper with his name, something that is not obvious and looks like an accidental pen mark. I’ll know it’s his name and pick it.”

Releasing me from his touch, Kieran licked at his upper lip.

My throat constricted as if his tongue had licked my lip. My face felt tight with nerves. This was exactly why I had to pursue Elias, because this was hell. Kieran met my gaze with his big-innocent eyes and kind smile. So clueless. I could never tell him. I’d rather keep the secret inside of me like a treasured pearl.

“Promise you won’t let Elias break your heart.”

“I won’t.”

“And you won’t break his body. He is a lot skinnier than you.”

“He’s safe in my hands. I’m gentle as hell.” I crushed my empty cup in one hand as proof.

“Funny.” Kieran laughed.

I doubted I would hold any power over Elias. It wasn’t about him. He’d just have a fun date and offer for more. It was about me. I needed to start living an authentic life. To stop lying in my bed alone, fantasizing about a certain touch, one I couldn’t have. No matter how much I might want it. Elias would be real, if nothing else. But I couldn’t say all that to Kieran. He knew me too well. He’d start peeling away at the truth. The only reason he remained ignorant of my feelings was because I never shared them.

“So, you’ll help me?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I?”

“Thanks,” I said gruffly.

“But you might wanna work on your rizz.”

“My present will do the rizzing for me. That’s the whole point of the Secret Santa fix.” I rolled my eyes in exasperation. “It’s why I need a scheme. And Elias to agree.”

“To dating you?”

“To whatever. I just need to get his dick in me.”

“Dude, too much detail.” Kieran groaned, covering his ears. “That’s an image I don’t need.”

“Don’t picture it then.”

“I wasn’t picturing it until you said the words. And now you, Elias, and dicks are like a jumbo screen inside my brain.”

“You should be so lucky.” I smirked, but inside it was all bravado. A heavy feeling settled in my chest.

“I—hold on.” Kieran eyed my body with an odd expression on his face. “Did you say his dick in you? Not the other way round?”

I shrugged. “Surprise? I’m big, built, and a total bottom.”

“A bottom.”

“Yeah, I’m a bossy power-bottom, bitch.” I wagged a finger at him. “And as a longtime ally of the queer community, you should know better than to assume things based on appearances. Not cool.”

Kieran hung his head. “I’m feeling extremely uncool right this minute.”

For many years, we didn’t discuss my sexuality. He would mention this girl or that one in high school, and I’d stay quiet. Then one time he caught me looking at his sister’s new boy band poster with too much interest. He hadn’t commented as my face went beet red, but he knew. He just didn’t know how I felt about him.

“So, Joey was always?—”

“Yep. A total top.”

“And you… want to be fucked,” he said slowly.

Daily , I wanted to joke. But staring at Kieran, the words stuck in my throat.