Chapter 65
As the sun started to go down, Akis watched the wedding guests on his parents’ terrace, dancing in a circle to music provided by the villagers. There were two guitars, a bouzouki, a drum and something that was a cross between a flute and a recorder. Nothing planned, just their friends and neighbours, none of whom were on the original guest list of his mother’s more curated affair. This was better. This was a Greek frenzy, yes, but in a traditional way, not something forced or timed to a tight schedule.
‘I cannot tell if our mother is genuinely smiling or if she is holding everything in until she is in private and can give in to an aneurysm.’
It was Anastasia at his shoulder, holding a glass of wine, her hair a bundle of loose curls the way it always had been when they were younger. Back then it wasn’t unusual for him to be pulling twigs or even live caterpillars out of the waves.
He smiled. ‘This is the best way though, no? For our little brother to have found his voice at last. To tell Mama what he wants.’
‘For five minutes,’ Anastasia said. ‘Moments ago, he asked her if he could have more than six portions of dolmades now he is married.’
Akis shook his head but there was a smile on his face. ‘He will never completely change. But, then, why should he?’
‘Why should anyone?’ Anastasia replied with a sigh.
He looked at his sister again as the dancers formed a line and began to snake around the tables in front of them. ‘You have been thinking about Trinity.’
‘Oh, OK, my hair is down, my make-up is screwed from the humidity, and I look like shit and right away you think I am thinking about my ex.’
Akis knew he didn’t need to say anything.
‘Yes! Yes, of course I have been thinking about Trinity!’ Anastasia exclaimed. ‘I’ve been in the middle of this fucking wedding for months and the last thing she said before she left was “marry me”.’
This was new. And Akis watched his sister’s ragged breath catch in her throat and tears bead in her eyes. He slipped an arm around her shoulders and drew her close.
‘Ugh, don’t! I appreciate the hug, but I don’t want the attention,’ she said, moving away from the embrace.
‘You think any of the guests will notice us when they are halfway through the expensive wine no one really cares about?’
‘Well, I don’t need a hug to tell me I fucked up with Trinity. I know it and I have known it since she left.’ She sighed.
‘So, do something about it,’ Akis suggested.
‘What didn’t you listen to? She asked me to marry her and I said no.’
‘So, say yes. Or ask her the same question if that’s how you feel.’
Anastasia shook her head. ‘That isn’t how it works.’
‘No,’ Akis agreed with a nod, his eyes straying across the terrace to Cara. ‘But maybe it should be.’
‘What?’ Anastasia said. ‘You’re saying I should… retrace my steps? Rake over old territory? Revisit the past?’
‘Do you wish for a book of old sayings to add some more?’
‘I am making sure I am understanding you.’
‘Well, if you wish to know what I think, then I believe sometimes it is important to make certain, you know, to avoid any doubt, any missed opportunities, any cues that got misread.’
‘Are you talking about me and Trinity or you and Cara?’ Anastasia asked.
He didn’t need to muse too long on that statement. ‘Perhaps both.’ Then a sound diverted his attention. ‘Is that Yiannis’s dog?’
Cara had actually seen it before she had heard it. Four legs, fur, not a cat. The dog was large, more beast than lap puppy and it was drooling, a flower arrangement hanging from its jaws. As it eyed her from the edge of the terrace it dropped the flowers to the ground and let out a growl she interpreted as meaning it was considering her as its next snack. Taking a breath, she considered her options. She could slowly back away, retreat to the safety of a group and the dancing. She could duck down under a table, barricade herself with chairs and hide behind the cloth. Or… she could try something else.
‘Good boy,’ she whispered.
The growl intensified, slobber dripped from its lips.
‘Good boy,’ she said, a little more confident this time.
Now the dog’s expression seemed slightly changed. Was there a glimmer of indecision about its next action in its eyes?
‘Good boy,’ Cara said again, taking a step closer.
Was she really going to do what her instincts were in conflict about? She took another step, then another and another until she was close enough to reach out. Her heart was pounding as her shaking fingers stretched slowly out towards the animal, still saying ‘good boy’ with confidence she wasn’t at all used to. And then, finally, she touched the dog, her fingers finding its coat, sinking into the richness of its fur. It felt so alien, so uncomfortable but also so incredibly empowering. She lost her breath in a rush that had a grasshopper jumping from the ground and into the air. The dog gave a good-natured bark and put giant paws on her legs. Although it startled Cara, she let go of a laugh and mussed its head all over again.
‘His name is Atlas.’
Now she jumped at the sound of Akis’s voice behind her. The dog leapt down, sniffing after the grasshopper and trampling over the flowers it had already mauled.
‘Oh, well, I hadn’t had a chance to ask him that yet and now he’s off doing something else.’ She smiled and turned to face him, suddenly feeling self-conscious. ‘Everyone seems to be enjoying the wedding party.’
‘My mother had a vision of grace, decorum and something a royal family might organise and she has ended up with all the people she did not wish to be here and a re-enactment of every local panegyri.’
‘What’s a panegyri?’
‘It is a party. A celebration. Every summer there is music and food and wine and we dance traditional Greek dances all together.’
‘Then, yes,’ Cara said, observing the guests, holding hands and stepping in time to the instruments playing. ‘That is what it’s like and I am so very happy for them.’
‘Me too,’ Akis agreed. ‘But, you know, I am also happy for you.’
‘For me?’
‘With Atlas,’ Akis said. ‘To get close to him, Cara. To touch him? It is the biggest thing for you.’
It was a huge step and the adrenaline was still running through her, her legs trembling a little. ‘Well, I think I owe being able to do that to you.’
‘Oh no,’ Akis said, shaking his head. ‘I might have come over to check you were OK, but I stood back and watched you calm him and become his friend.’
Cara shook her head, her insides quaking for different reasons now. Reasons she knew she had to address or she’d live a lifetime regretting it.
‘No, I mean, the other times. Every other time actually, since we first met.’ She took a breath, looking at the smiling faces of the wedding guests, watching Margot with Horatio… She focussed again on Akis. ‘Do you remember when I was panicking in Santorini, how you told me to find my happy place, the most comfortable, warm, place of all places?’
‘Yes,’ he replied.
‘And… well… you never asked me where I went to,’ Cara continued.
‘Well,’ Akis began. ‘Because where you go to, where you feel safe, is personal. Like who you decide to let see you when you do not want the whole world to.’
Cara nodded, wetting her lips. ‘I know. But… I want you to know. I want to tell you.’ Right now, in this moment, she wanted that more than anything. She took another breath. ‘The place I went to, where I felt safe and warm and protected… it was… the back of your motorbike.’ She swallowed, feeling more seen than ever before. But there was no going back now. ‘I am sitting on there, holding on to you, the bike flying along the road, the breeze in my face, my body so close to yours.’
Even just saying the words made her ache to be back there feeling all those sensations again.
‘Cara—’
‘No, hang on, just for a second. I need to tell you this. What I said about not being ready for anything. I don’t think it’s true. I think that it’s something I’ve been telling myself to avoid decision making. Because it’s easier to say you’re not ready than to admit that you could be, that you want to be, that someone makes you feel like you want to be.’
She looked into his gorgeous eyes. They were a little bit the colour of the sea, a little bit of the sky, the green of the olives and a hint of the hay-like grass. ‘I don’t want to be afraid of anything any more, Akis. I don’t want to have regrets and I don’t want to live for my past. I want to live for my future.’ She took a step closer to him. ‘I want to discover who I can be, but I’d like to do that with who I want to be with.’
He palmed her face then, drawing it closer, the expression he was wearing not completely decipherable. Had she said too much? Expected more than he was able, or wanted, to give?
‘Cara, you are like no one I have ever met before,’ he told her. ‘You feel things so deeply. You care so much. And you do not realise how that has stopped you from caring about yourself.’ He pressed his thumbs to her face now. ‘I want nothing more than a future where you are discovering who you want to be.’
‘Then let’s try to discover who we want to be together,’ Cara said. ‘I don’t know how it works but let’s try.’
He took the air from her lungs when he kissed her and she pressed her mouth to his like it was the first time after the longest time. And, as they held each other close, their lips entwined, the music of the wedding floating into the summer air, somewhere a donkey brayed its approval.