15. Sawyer
Sawyer
I ’d been asleep when Butta woke me up with his barking and growling at the front door. I tiptoed down the hall barefoot, wrapped in a pink robe.
“What the fuck is going on?” Soleil whispered to me in the dark as she hopped up from the couch.
“I don’t know,” I whispered back. “Butta won’t stop fucking barking at the door.”
“Does your dog suffer from an overactive bladder, bitch? If so, we gotta get him a fuckin’ litterbox because this is too much.”
“Did you hear anything?”
“I thought I heard knocking, but I was knocked the hell out, so I could’ve been dreaming.”
“Grab the bat just in case,” I whispered to her as I crept toward the door and peeked through the peephole. “Oh shit,” I whispered.
“What? Who is it?” Soleil asked, standing guard.
The minute I eased the door open, my legs went numb. My entire world stopped the minute I laid eyes on Kareem.
A loud gasp escaped my lips before I slapped my hand over my mouth. “K-Kareem? Oh . . . my God.”
The second I said his name, I felt a warm gush running down my legs. My fucking water had broken.
I gripped the doorknob. “Oh shit.”
“What?”
I looked down at the floor before shooting my ballooned eyes back up at him. “My water just broke.”
He stepped forward, instincts kicking into go mode. “It’s okay, shawty. I got you. I’m here now,” he assured me.
Soleil was standing by the couch with her straight back cornrows on display and her wig on the coffee table, gripping the baseball bat that I kept by the sofa in case of emergency. “Holy fucking shit, Sawyer. Are—are you in labor?”
I waddled toward the couch, clutching Kareem’s arm. My face was a blend of panic and shock.
“Absolutely . . . Unless this is a very vivid, different kind of wet dream.”
“By the fluid on your floor, I’d say this is very real. I’m calling the doula,” she announced.
Butta barked at her once, as if to say, “ Good, hurry your black ass up,” as he followed her from the living room into the kitchen.
I looked over at Kareem, and my heart almost leapt out of my chest. “H-how is this even possible? How are you here right now?” I questioned, lip trembling as I breathed through a mild contraction.
Kareem laced his fingers in mine. “I’ll tell you later. All that matters right now is you.”
Soleil reentered the living room. “The doula’s on her way. She said she’ll be here in about thirty minutes.”
I nodded while trying to take slow, deep breaths. “Okay. Thirty minutes. I can handle thirty minutes.”
“You picked a hell of a time to come back,” Soleil said to Kareem as she adjusted the wig on her head in front of us both.
“You show up in the middle of the night, and my sister’s uterus decides to give my niece an eviction notice.
But at least you can help me move the furniture around and set the mood in here before the doula arrives. ”
“Shouldn’t she be going to the hospital?” he asked.
“This is a home birth, McDreamy,” she retorted, quoting Grey’s Anatomy . “Now, let’s go.”
He smirked at me before leaning in to kiss my forehead. “I can’t wait to meet our baby girl.”
Time blurred from minutes to hours as my contractions became stronger and more frequent inside the inflatable pool.
The flickering candle wicks were burning low, spreading the soothing scents of lavender and eucalyptus throughout the apartment as the playlist I’d curated played in the background—a mix of old school and soulful R&B by Erykah Badu, India Arie, and Solange that helped me connect to motherhood and my roots.
My doula, Lydia, had been monitoring my vitals and guiding me through each contraction with her calming, honeyed voice.
I was in the pool, immersed up to my belly, wearing a sports bra and nothing else. My braids were pulled up into a high bun as beads of sweat trickled down my forehead. My eyes were closed as I tried to focus on breathing through each contraction as my baby traveled through the water of my womb.
“That’s it, Sawyer. Keep your breathing steady. You’re doing great,” Lydia affirmed, her voice as smooth as velvet.
Kareem was behind me, supporting my back with his strong arms. He kept his lips to my ear, whispering all the things he hadn’t gotten to say to me while we were apart.
“I’m here, shawty. I’m right here. Not a day went by that I didn’t think about you, baby. About this moment. About meeting our daughter. You’ve never looked more fuckin’ beautiful to me than you do right now. Thank you for letting me be here.”
Soleil stayed close, moving silently around the room, handing Lydia supplies as needed and keeping Butta occupied so that he didn’t interfere.
“Remember to breathe, Sawyer. You’re surrounded by love. You’re empowered. You’re ready to embrace this next chapter,” she reminded me.
My jaw clenched as the next contraction came harder and quicker than the last. Lydia checked the baby’s position before looking up at me.
“Get ready to push on the next contraction, okay?” Lydia advised.
I nodded, groaning as I pressed down.
“Next push. You’ve got this.”
I screamed out a guttural sound, bearing down as hard as I could as the water rippled against my movement. After two more pushes and squeezing the feeling out of Kareem’s hands, I heard it—a sharp, unmistakable cry. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever heard.
Soleil smiled while wiping tears from her eyes. “Oh my God. You did it, Sawyer!”
Lydia raised the baby from the water, slippery and brown, before turning her toward us. “Congratulations, mom and dad. Your baby girl is here,” she announced with a soft smile.
After waiting a few minutes, she instructed Kareem on how to cut the cord and placed the baby on my chest to initiate skin-to-skin contact. Tears immediately began streaming from my eyes. I felt the warmth of Kareem’s lips against my sweaty forehead.
“I can’t believe she’s really here,” I choked out.
“I love you so fuckin’ much,” he whispered to me.
“I love you too,” I admitted for the first time.
He looked down at our baby. “Welcome to the world, little one.”
“She’s beautiful, and so tiny,” I whispered, going complete heart-eyes over her.
“She’s perfect. It’s like I . . . don’t know how to breathe right now.”
“Me either. All that matters is that you’re here . . . with us. Do you want to hold her?”
Kareem hesitated for a second, then nodded.
He was shirtless. His hoodie had been discarded somewhere in the midst of the chaos of my contractions.
His wide eyes were glued to the baby as I gently lifted her and placed her in his arms. He cradled her teeny body like she was made of pure gold—the most precious thing he’d ever had the pleasure of holding.
“I haven’t held a baby this small since my first nephew was born. She feels even smaller than him, but my arms are shaking like she weighs a ton.”
“She’s yours now.”
“Did you pick out a name?”
I smiled while gently stroking the baby’s hand. “Kareena,” I announced. “I wanted her to always have a piece of you, even if . . .”
He looked at me, feeling the weight of my words as my sentence trailed off. Then he looked back at the baby and nodded. “I love it. Thank you.”
The baby’s eyes were closed, her tiny lips puckered as she let out a soft sigh and settled into her father’s chest. We sat in silence, the two of us wrapped in awe of what we’d created. Outside, the sun had started to rise. Inside, I was finally living my happily ever after.
Three days later.
Kareena was already three days old and had received a good bill of health from the pediatrician during her first visit.
I was more in love with her than ever before.
I’d sent over a million pictures to my mom and my friends, allowing them to gush over her from afar.
She was the perfect mix of us—my complexion, his sultry brown eyes, my button nose, and his long eyelashes.
Kareem had also become smitten with her. He’d insisted on doing the late-night bottle feedings, allowing me to rest and recuperate from giving birth while alternating between pumping and breastfeeding. He’d become the blowout diaper-changing master and enjoyed all the skin-to-skin baby cuddles.
As much as I loved living in our private little cocoon and being back together, I couldn’t help but feel like we were in a bubble that was about to pop, and I didn’t want to get caught slipping a second time.
The hard part was over, yet it seemed to be just beginning at the same time.
Soleil was gone, and I had eight weeks of maternity leave from my job.
Reality was knocking, and we needed a plan.
Kareena was asleep in the bassinet, swaddled tightly in one of her soft blankets.
Butta was curled up beneath it, attentive like he was getting paid to be on patrol.
I sat on the edge of the bed, sipping my postpartum tea blend.
Kareem stood in the doorway, arms folded across his tatted, chocolate chest.
“We need to talk about the future and what that looks like with her in it now,” I told him as I turned to face him.
“I know. I’ve been thinking about it too.”
“As much as I love having you here and not having to do this alone, we can’t stay hidden inside my apartment forever.”
He walked into the bedroom and sat beside me, his knee gently touching mine as a heavy sigh slipped from his lips. We sat quietly for a minute, staring at the baby as the weight of reality bore down on us like a ton of bricks.
“There’s a lot to consider. I can’t make the same mistakes twice.”
“How did you get out in the first place?” I questioned.
“Kadeem.”
My brows creased. “Kadeem? H-how?”
“I don’t know. I really don’t care. Logistics was always his thing. All I know is he helped me get back to you.”
“Y’all are career criminals for real. Meanwhile, I’m still trying to figure out how not to freak the hell out every time she cries.”
“We all have our battles, shawty. You’re doing a great job with her.”
“Thanks. But seriously, Kareem, what are we doing?”
“I meant what I told you in Brazil. I want to build something real with you, no matter where we go.”
I drew in a deep breath and released it, feeling my shoulders slowly fall back into place. “Come here,” I said, getting up to walk from the bedroom to the living room. I picked up a globe from one of my shelves and handed it to him. “Spin it. Wherever it lands is where we’ll go.”
Kareem looked down at the globe, then back at me. “You serious, shawty?”
I nodded. “I want you to live, Kareem, not just survive. So, if leaving is what we have to do, then so be it.”
Without responding, Kareem took the globe from me and gave it a hard spin before closing his eyes and placing his finger on a country. Wherever it landed, we’d be starting our new lives there, together.
“Well? What does it say?” I quizzed, eager to find out.
He looked up at me and smiled.