Chapter 29 Parker
Chapter Twenty-Nine
PARKER
“I don’t even know what to do.” I let out a heavy sigh as I rested my elbows on my knees, my head hanging forward.
I sat across from my therapist, Delaney. I was ignoring Luna, ignoring my mom, really, just ignoring my life.
“Okay, so let me get this straight. Your mom is here trying to make up with you, and Luna’s parents are here too?” At my nod, Delaney added, “That’s a lot.”
Although this was only my third appointment with her, I felt completely comfortable with Delaney. I appreciated how she didn’t hesitate to go directly into the challenging stuff. Straightening, I leaned back into the comfortable couch in her office. “It’s definitely a lot.”
“Let’s deal with your mom first. Have you talked to her at all?”
“Like I explained, she came to see me at work, and we talked then. She’s tried two more times.
Maisie is basically holding her at bay. My mom doesn’t have my number.
Thank God she hasn’t figured out where I live.
Do I have to talk to her? What do you tell people whose parents do things like this? ” I asked, honestly wondering.
“I tell them that there isn’t one way in how you choose to handle this.
I’ll be honest, I don’t believe in the idea of closure, if you will.
When something really painful happens, there are ways to come to peace with it, but it’s always a part of your life.
You can’t make anything disappear. You can learn how to deal with it.
This is a messy situation. Whatever you choose to do now, you may change your mind later.
And that’s okay. Some people want to make a connection with the person who hurt them deeply and find a way to have it be peaceful.
For others, there’s too much pain. Your mom closed the door to you being in her life at one point.
We don’t know her reasons, but now she’s trying to open it again.
You were a little boy. What happened hurt you.
In short, whatever you choose to do is entirely your choice.
She wants something from you now. If I were her therapist, which I’m not and I won’t be, I would let her know that this needs to be on your terms and that she would have to accept whatever your choice is.
The stories we hear about on social media and in the news are usually the ones where families decide to reconnect and forgive each other and so on.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to repair the relationship, and that’s often forgotten.
You can forgive someone and let go for your own peace, but it doesn’t mean you have to foster a relationship with her.
We don’t know what’s going on for her and her thought process, but that’s not your responsibility.
If you choose to have a conversation with her, I would definitely recommend writing down what you want to say.
In emotionally loaded situations, that can be helpful. ”
I took a slow breath, considering my feelings and Delaney’s feedback. “I’m not sure how I feel, but I do know I’m angry that she’s here. I’m angry that she has these expectations.”
Delaney’s eyes were soft. “Being human is messy and relationships, in particular parent-child relationships, are complicated. In this case, your mother didn’t fulfill a primary role for you. She abandoned you. That’s what happened. Now, she wants to repair that rupture. What do you think you want?”
A corner of my heart was a throbbing ache.
I couldn’t have what I wanted. “I want my mom to have not done what she did, but since I can’t have that, I guess I just want her not to do this.
” I chewed on the inside of my cheek, an old habit.
I restlessly shook my wrists, almost trying to shake away the unsettled feeling inside.
“I guess it would be different if I reached out. Maybe there’s some good reason why she did what she did and maybe that’s what she wants to tell me, but it still sucks. ”
Delaney nodded. “You were a little boy, and that hurt a lot. Knowing that you can’t change the fact that she came to you now and that you definitely can’t change the past, what do you think you want out of this?” She circled her hand in the air.
“I guess I want to hear her out, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want to build a relationship with her, not right now.” I twisted my lips to the side with a sigh. “It’s annoying you can’t tell me what to do.” I rolled my eyes.
Delaney smiled sadly. “I can’t tell you what to do here, although I understand wishing someone could.”
“It helps that this doesn’t have to feel final. Maybe you didn’t tell me what to do, but you gave me that permission,” I said.
“It really isn’t final, not until she passes away,” Delaney pointed out, her tone careful.
“And that’s another thing,” I said, shaking my head slightly. “What if she’s coming out of the woods because she’s sick and she’s gonna die? For fuck’s sake. What if? I have no idea.”
“It is a possibility. There are plenty of people who come forward later in life, family members who try to reconnect when they’re facing their own mortality.
The experience of facing your mortality can be…
” She paused for a moment. “Crystallizing, clarifying. It tends to bring things into focus. Even if that adds to your anger about it, which it does for many, it’s not all bad.
It can be one of those moments for some people where it’s like, holy wow, I need to fix this, or at least say my peace.
Because when it’s too late, it’s definitely too late.
If you decide you want to talk to her and you want my support, I’m happy to help you have that conversation. ”
I snorted. “I know you would do that. Thank you.”
“For…?”
“Fitting me in on short notice. For taking the time to talk things through. Honestly, I know not every therapist is for everybody, but I’m really glad I feel comfortable with you. I think I can handle the conversation with my mom on my own, and I’m gonna do it.”
“You are?”
“Surprised?” I prompted.
“Not really. You’ve faced challenging conversations before, based on what little time I’ve had to learn. You seem ready to just go for it. Right now.”
I shrugged. “I am. I need to banish these ghosts. I don’t believe in closure either, so I’m damn glad we agree on that point. But even if I don’t know if I want to build a relationship with my mom, I do want to have the conversation.”
“Okay.” Delaney’s gaze was considering. “And, what about Luna?”
Damn if Delaney’s question about Luna didn’t sting. The pain around my mom in my heart was old and achy, while my feelings around Luna were sharp. Although my mom’s reappearance in my life had kicked up a storm of doubts, the pain around Luna was different.
I didn’t know what the fuck to do. I was terrified that I might do to Luna what my mom had done to me.
In short, when it mattered, just bolt. What if I couldn’t face the hard stuff?
I was starting to realize it wasn’t just my own fear of abandonment but what it represented.
I was terrified that if I wasn’t enough for Luna, that she would leave me in the dust. Just like my mom.
The little boy inside of me never stopped wondering if I’d been worthy enough if my mom wouldn’t have stayed. She wouldn’t have dropped me off. Even if there was some reasonable explanation for why she did that, why didn’t she reach out sooner?
Despite so much internal confusion around Luna, the clarity I’d achieved around my mom held. I called her after I left my appointment.
“Parker!” my mom exclaimed.
Hearing her voice was disorienting. It was like a stored recording somewhere in my brain.
“Here’s the deal,” I jumped in. “I am not ready to have a relationship with you. I have no idea if I ever will. You forfeited the right to ask for one when you dumped me at my dad’s and never reached out again until now.
For what it’s worth, Dad stepped up to the plate and I love him. I just want to know why.”
My mother was quiet for a long moment before I heard the sound of her sigh filtering through the call. “Is it possible for us to have this conversation face-to-face?”
“Not right now.” I didn’t know what it was about Delaney’s feedback, but I felt a sense of clarity I had never experienced around this.
“Okay. Do you remember the man I was dating at the time?” my mom asked.
I had vague memories of a man. “Not much. I remember I didn’t like him. That’s it.”
“Well, there’s no easy way for me to explain this, but I was young, and I didn’t have good judgment in men.
And Dan gave me an ultimatum. He told me that he didn’t wanna deal with a kid, and I was afraid to be alone.
I was also afraid of him because he was abusive, so I decided to take you to your dad even though your dad didn’t know you existed then.
I knew he was your father. I knew maybe he wasn’t the greatest guy, but he was safe. Please tell me I was right about that.”
I sat there, taking in her explanation. “You were right about that. He’s always been safe and a good dad.”
She let out another sigh, this one heavy and loud.
“Thank God.” She cleared her throat and continued.
“So, uh, that’s it. It took me almost twelve years to get away from Dan.
By that point, I was embarrassed to reach out.
I know that isn’t a good excuse, but that’s what happened.
I know I hurt you, but I promise it was better for you to be with your dad.
I did not have my life together. I loved you, but I didn’t have it in me to do the right thing.
I was worried that I couldn’t keep you safe. ”
“It definitely wasn’t the right thing,” I said.
“I’m sorry.” I could’ve sworn she sniffled a little, but I didn’t have it in me to feel badly for her, not right now.
“Does it help to understand what happened?” she asked, her voice small.
“I don’t really understand,” I said honestly. “If Dan didn’t want a kid, why didn’t you just leave then?”
“I didn’t know how. I know that’s not a good answer, but it’s the honest answer.”
I took in a slow breath. “I’m not saying this to make you feel bad, but it really fucked me up. I’m okay, but it was really a mess for me.”
“I’m more sorry than I can ever really express.”
Silence echoed through the call. I wasn’t sure what else to say.
At this moment, I knew I needed time. “I appreciate that you want to connect now, but I need time. I’m not sure when I’ll want to reach out again, or if I will.
I’m glad you told me the truth, or at least your version of it.
I hope you can respect that I need time. ”
The quiet felt loud, almost reverberating with pain, before she whispered, “Okay. My phone number won’t change. If something happens and you need to reach out, just call me. I’ll be here whenever you’re ready. Maybe it doesn’t feel like it, but I love you, and I did love you.”
“Okay,” was all I could offer in response to that.
After I ended the call, I sat in my truck.
I did a mental body scan. I felt a little hollow, but okay.
I sensed there might become a time when I would reach back out, but it would have to wait until I felt ready.
While I was sitting there, I abruptly decided I needed to go see Luna.
I needed to explain. I tapped out a quick text.
Me: I hope it’s okay if I stop by. On the way.