Chapter 5
Icould live off that kiss for days. Weeks.
It gave me life — like it kickstarted my heart, which, until now, had only been dormant. Waiting.
Jeremy infected every part of my consciousness, and I helplessly played the kiss over in my mind again and again, remembering the taste of him, what he wore, the smell around us, the slightly malty taste of beer, and the salty air tinged with smoke and fire. It all swirled in my mind, and it tattooed the image there for me to recall whenever I wanted.
By the time I’d crawled over the details with my mum, who was equally excited as I was, and then repeated the same with Sammy, I hoped I would fall asleep. But he was still front and centre, stopping me from drifting off.
Eventually, I must have drifted off, but Jeremy sneaks into my mind as I come around from the grogginess of too little sleep. I reach for my phone and stare at the screen. Even after our call last night, there are two new notifications from Sammy.
But nothing from Jeremy.
It doesn’t matter.
Then I remember what he said before the kiss — like the parts of the night leading up to that have faded into the background.
He’s off fishing somewhere, which sounds like the worst way to have fun on holiday. If we didn’t get reception on the beach, would he when he’s off fishing?
My fingers itch to message him.
But I at least make it down for breakfast before I break.
Mum has a knowing grin on her face like she is strangely proud and still excited for me. She’s made my favourite, crispy bacon, and I enjoy nibbling at the streaks with a mug of tea and a slice of thick toast.
After that, I can’t stop my fingers from tapping out the message. And so, what? He’s the one who kissed me. Three drafts later, I hit send before I re-drafted it again. It was a text message, not an essay.
Anna
I had fun last night.
Mercifully, his reply is quick.
Jeremy
Me too.
Now what?
Anna
Are you off fishing soon?
It’s lame, but it’s the only thing I can think of.
Jeremy
Yeah. Dad’s taking us on the boat. We’ll be out until late tomorrow.
Anna
Well, enjoy. I’m leaving Sat morning after breakfast at Molly’s.
Jeremy
Who’s Molly?
Anna
It’s our favourite diner here.
Jeremy
Right. Maybe I’ll check it out after you’ve gone.
I read the words, and it pops something in my chest. I want to share that with him. Molly’s is my place. It’s silly, but that’s the kind of memory I’d love to have with Jeremy. Maybe I need to take a breath and not read too much into our one kiss.
It didn’t mean we were dating or together or any of those things, although I hoped it might lead to that.
I push my phone away and try to think of anything that doesn’t revolve around Jeremy Archer.
“Hey, Anna, want to come for a drive with me to the other coast? There’s a shop I want to check out. Plus, there’s a beautiful beach I’d like to take a look at before we leave.”
“Yes!” I cry, equal parts relieved and desperate. This is exactly what I need.
In the rush to get out the door with Mum, I leave my phone behind. Or maybe it’s intentional. If I’m cut off from it, I can’t pour over every word on the screen or check to see if he’s posted anything on social media. There’s a single photo from the summer so far. Clearly, he’s not obsessed with keeping his fans up to date about what he’s been doing.
The trip with Mum is perfect for keeping my head away from him.
The beach is wild and rugged, and the wind whips our hair about as we walk along until we both look like we’ve just stepped out of the 80’s.
Like most of the shops we visit, it’s a jewellery store, and this one does the most outrageous designs. They are like wearable art.
By the time we get back, though, I’m desperate to see if he’s messaged.
Jeremy
See you at school. In science.
That’s it — see you at school? I huff out a breath.
The pancakes at Molly’s are bittersweet, just like always. They signify the last morning of our time here.
“Cheer up, kiddo. You’ve had a great summer, and you’ve still got a few weeks before school.”
“I know. Thank you. I’m sorry I’m moody.”
“Don’t be. I remember — just — what it was like to be a teenager. You might not want to believe it.”
We giggle, and the cloud over my head lifts a few inches. I fiddle with the bracelet on my wrist — we’d stopped to get one for Sammy, like I said I would, before coming here.
It has been a great summer. I just hope Jeremy thinks the same.
“Just go and speak to him already.” Sammy nudges me as we walk into the common room on the first day of term. He’s in the usual spot, surrounded by his friends, but there’s no sign of that smile I got to glimpse in Cornwall. He looks tan and sun-kissed, which does nothing but enhance how gorgeous he looks — even in uniform.
“He’s not messaged me since Cornwall.”
“Well, neither have you.”
It was true. I was saving face. The kiss and that night were too perfect for something not to trip me up.
“I’ll see him in science.”
“Which is when?”
“Tomorrow.”
“And will you survive that long?”
“No,” I mumble. She’s right. I’m going insane and have been since I came back. “It would be easier, though.”
I can do this. He kissed me a few weeks ago, so he’s not so intimidating. My little pep talk helps me reach his table.
“Hey, Jeremy.” He looks up at me, but his expression doesn’t change: no recognition, no surprise, or pleasure at seeing me.
“Jeremy? Who the fuck is Jeremy.” They all laugh before he has a chance to say anything, and my cheeks flame with embarrassment.
“Guys, leave it,” he says.
“Oh, defending Little Miss Anna? Come on, Archer, what gives?”
“Nothing, you just don’t need to be a jerk, Derek.” Jeremy stands up and steps towards me like he did that day back in school when I first spoke to him.
“He can’t help it, Arch. It’s in his DNA,” another of his friends joins in.
All the while, I stand there, waiting and feeling like the biggest idiot. As though he’s taking pity on me, he guides me away from the guys and looks down at me, waiting for me to speak.
“Hey,” I repeat.
“Hey.” He doesn’t elaborate, and we stay there — not talking.
“Um, I’m sorry. Did I do something wrong?”
“No, why?”
My heart feels like it’s being squeezed in my chest.
“I just thought. I don’t know. That you wouldn’t ignore me.”
“I’m not ignoring you. We’re talking.”
“Okay, whatever. I guess I’ll see you in science.” I walk off, shaking my head. I can feel the sting of tears threaten, which would be mortifying, so I blink a dozen times to stave them off.
“Anna?” Sammy looks concerned as I glance up at her.
“Not now. Just walk with me.” I pull her out of the common room, and we head towards our next lesson.
“What happened?”
“What do you think — it was just something that happened in the summer — nothing else.”
“Did he say that?”
“No, but he didn’t say anything. That’s the problem.”
“Oh, Anna. I’m sorry.” There’s pity in her eyes, and I hate it.
I pull the memory of our kiss back to mind. How can someone kiss like that — make me feel like that — and then turn cold and aloof?
Science was going to be torture.
I’d imagined the first day back at school being more… just more. Admiring Jeremy Archer from afar, knowing every girl in school wanted to be his girlfriend, was something I was used to. But the summer had changed that, and it hurt that he acted so indifferently.
The next day, I arrive at our science lab and take a quick look around before going over to our assigned table. Jeremy is already there. It takes everything in me not to just turn and smile at him. I concentrate on emptying my bag and taking out my textbook and pencil case before pulling out the stool and sitting down.
I read the title of the topic we’re covering on the board and flick to the correct page while everyone else comes in and gets settled.
“Hey, Anna,” he tries to get my attention, but I ignore him. I don’t want to be in trouble for talking in class in our first lesson.
When Mr Ross is talking to another student, I turn to Jeremy. “You have something to say now?”
“Don’t be like that.” His tone is patronising.
“Like what?” I shoot a look at him. He’s staring at me, his beautiful eyes clear for me to see.
“Like all the other girls. Bitchy. You’re not like that.”
“Right, everyone. Silence for the register.” Saved by the teacher. I shift in my seat and look forward. We both answer as our names are called, and I pay attention as Mr Ross goes over the instructions for the experiment we’re recreating today.
When he lets us go and get set up, Jeremy takes my hand and stops me.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” He looks around the room, anywhere except my eyes.
“No, you shouldn’t. You don’t know me.” I brush past him and go to get a pair of goggles from the drawer and a heat-proof mat for the Bunsen burner.
“I thought I knew enough about you that you wouldn’t act like this.”
“How am I acting?” I stop and fold my arms in front of him.
But he doesn’t answer. He just shakes his head and gets his own equipment out.
We don’t speak, and we carry on with the work in front of us. It’s only then that I pay attention to the rest of the class. Most are busy setting up their own experiments, but there are two girls — I don’t know their names — who keep looking over to me and then to Jeremy.
“Look,” I whisper and tilt my head so that nobody can overhear. “We kissed. You said, see you in science. I thought maybe that would allow a common courtesy at school, but you treated me like we’d never spoken.”
“You didn’t text me back for the rest of summer.”
“Was I meant to?”
“I thought you would,” he answers as if it was obvious. So frustrating.
“Guys, eyes front and on what you’re doing,” Mr Ross calls us out.
We follow the instructions on the board, and Jeremy lights the flame. While we wait for the liquid to evaporate, he leans into me.
“I thought we had a good time.” His voice is lower than normal, and the softness sends a shiver over my body.
“So did I.” I don’t look at him. I feel like I should still be cross at how he treated me yesterday. But maybe I’m overreacting.
“You’ll text me then?” He nudges my arm with his shoulder.
“Fine. I’ll text you,” I concede. I wanted him to make the first move. It already feels like he could convince me to do anything, and I don’t want him to have all the power.
For the next few weeks, we text nearly daily, sometimes about science and homework, sometimes other things. We work together in class, and most of the time, I’m happy just to be next to him. He radiates a sort of comfort to me. It feels special — like it’s our time.
But that’s where our connection and interaction end. It’s like it’s limited to our science class and the screens of our phones.
I said “hi” as we were passing in the corridor one day, but he ignored me, sending a group of girls in our year into fits of laughter. It might have been a coincidence, but I think they just found it funny that me, Little Miss Anna Rose, dared speak to Jeremy Archer.
My head told me to call him out. Nobody who said they were your friend should treat you that way. But my heart didn’t want to ruin the fragile climate I did have him in.
As the weeks rolled on, my feelings for him only grew. When he was the boy who didn’t know me, it was easy to admire him from afar, but it kept my infatuation to a simple crush.
Now, my heart was involved — how could it not be?
And a strange part of me liked that I got a private version of Jeremy. Nobody else got to see that. Only, I wanted more of it.
There was a big test coming up before the Christmas break. It was important and would help, given our main exams were in the spring.
Anna
Will you help me revise?
I sent the message after another of our random conversations before bed. He’s answered everything I’ve sent him so far, so if he doesn’t text back, I know it’s because I asked.
Jeremy
Sure.
My heart thuds in my chest, and I sit up, unable to contain my excitement.
Anna
Come over?
Jeremy
I’d put money on the fact that you’ll be in bed now.
I smile to myself. Comments like this told me that he saw me as at least a friend. Daring to hope for more was a step I couldn’t quite pin my heart on yet — even after the kiss.
Anna
True, but that’s not exactly what I meant. After school on Friday?
Jeremy
Friday night?
Anna
Yeah. Unless you’d rather Saturday?
Jeremy
What about if I come over Saturday afternoon? We can study and then get pizza delivered.
I love that idea. I delete the love and re-type the message.
Anna
Great. I love pizza.