Only You, Only Us

Chapter 22

The drinking didn’t numb the pain in my heart. It helped me to pass out, though. But it also set off the craving for something else, and the steps I’d made seemed to unravel and come apart all in the space of an afternoon.

When I come around, Mum still isn’t back, so I haul my arse from bed, hide the bottle, and go down into town.

I’d been coming to this place for years, but until now, I’d never even imagined how someone might score. It didn’t look like the place where people stood around on corners to offer passersby their next fix.

It doesn’t stop me from looking. I walk the narrow streets and go up to the playground area near the school to see if anyone there might know someone.

The place is crawling with holidaymakers and families, with no sign of anyone who might be in the trade of dealing illegal substances.

Nausea rises from the pit of my stomach. I’m polluting one of the purist places I have in my memory with all my bad thoughts and habits. This isn’t what I want, but I feel a wreck and just want to bury my pain, and this is the only way I know how.

An emptiness beats in my heart as I look around, lost and alone. I wind my way down to the beach, none of the normal joy and light penetrating the shroud of grey I see everything through. Finding a quiet spot on the beach, I collapse onto the sand. I lie back and screw my eyes shut, using the sounds to block out the dull ache resonating in my head.

“You’ve taken a while to show,” Jeremy’s voice rings in my ear, and for a moment, I don’t know if it’s my imagination or not.

The stuttering of my heart tells me it’s real, but I ignore him.

“Come on, Anna. I’ve been waiting hours.”

I wrestle the smile from forming on my lips. “And? What do you want me to do?”

“Talk to me.”

“What happened to your new girlfriend.”

“She’s not my girlfriend.” His voice turns hard, but that doesn’t mean he’s telling me the truth. “She’s just a girl.”

“Shut up, Jeremy. We’ve been over this. I should have just trusted my gut right from the start.” I sit up and look at him, cross that I feel weak because of him, and now he’s in front of me, that only intensifies. The emptiness consuming me just a moment ago now fills with nothing but him, pulling me back in.

My heart longs to hear that she was nothing — is nothing — to him. But can I believe him?

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

I shake my head. “Nothing.”

“She’s just a girl. Her family has a place here, that’s all.”

“So, she’s one of you. Great. I need to go.” I stand, needing to escape.

“No. Wait. Come on, Anna. This is the most I’ve seen you in weeks. Please.” He grabs my hand and tugs it to him, placing it over his chest. “Please.”

“I can’t. You just… it’s not fair. You make me want things that aren’t good for me. We’re not good for each other.”

“You’re all I need, and I know you’re good for me. You’re just scared.”

“No.” I’ve got to stay firm.

“Then what? That’s it?” His eyes turn sad, and it guts me. I need to hold onto my anger, not be dragged down into feeling sorrow for him.

“You hurt me. And I still love you. It kills me that you have someone else here. I was doing so well, and then, boom. You destroy it. Again.”

“I didn’t blow us up, Anna. You did that. It’s only ever been you, and even now, you don’t get that. You find something to push me away.”

“It’s not hard when you’re at our place with another girl.” My fists clench, and the betrayal filters back, fuelling me and giving me ammunition against him.

“It’s my place,” he shouts back.

“Fine. Just leave, Jeremy. We can’t keep going back over this. We’re not good for each other right now,” I repeat as if it’s my only defence.

“When will we be good for each other again? You said you didn’t want to break up, fine. Then what? A month, six, a year? How much time do you want?”

“I don’t know. Are you clean?” The question slips out, and suddenly, all I can think about is searching his pockets, looking for anything to take the edge off. The need roars in my mind, and my pulse thunders in my ears.

The flex in his jaw tells me everything, and I lunge at him, grabbing him and feeling for what he’s got on him. He starts to wrestle me, stopping me. “Jere!” I shout at him, and suddenly, a bunch of people are all looking at us on the beach.

We both stop and look away, and I storm off towards the cottage. He’s following. I know it, and a part of me relishes that he is.

Mum’s car still isn’t back, so I don’t have to worry about her stopping whatever is coming next. I don’t even know what I want right now — my emotions are scattered all over the place.

He follows me into the cottage.

We stand, looking at each other from across the small living room. The cracks in my heart groan as I stare at him. Everything about him is familiar and offers me salvation.

I miss him. With every part of my being, I want to be with him. And in the same breath, I feel like what we had is so broken we would never be able to piece it back together.

He closes the distance across the room, the pull between us growing. He continues his path all the way to me.

His eyes study my face as if reading me before he moves to kiss me.

“What do you want, Anna?” he whispers against my lips.

I want him to kiss me, lean into that tiny fraction of a gap he’s left between us, and take all the pain away. Tell me everything will be okay.

But I don’t.

“I want to go back to how it was before we got mixed up in this.” I shut my eyes, remembering the bonfires and our time at the beach or the jetty — being enough for each other.

“Is that the only way? Can’t we have both?” His words caress my cheek, and the touch of his hand as it runs up my arm and up to my shoulder leaves a trail of goosebumps.

“We tried that, and it ended in nothing but pain. So yes, it’s the only way.” My eyes open, and I study his as the sting of salty tears in mine hits.

He steps back, dissolving all the pressure between us.

“So, you don’t want this?” His voice sounds cruel as he pulls a packet of pills and a bag of powder from his pocket and shakes them in front of my face.

My pulse quickens, racing faster as he dangles temptation in front of me.

He’s being spiteful, and it destroys another part of me that loved him.

Why would he do that?

“Leave. You don’t love me if all you want to do is feed me this. I told you before. This is toxic. We’re toxic. And if this is your idea of love, then I don’t want it.” My voice breaks.

“I don’t believe you.”

“Get out!” I scream at him, shoving him forward and back towards the door. But I snatch at his hand, grabbing whatever he has on him.

He smiles as if he just won.

But he leaves.

And I drown in the cocktail of drugs I took from him.

Mum found me.

She’d had car problems, which was why she’d been gone for longer than expected.

We packed up and went home that night, and she got me a place at a rehab facility.

She told me that I needed more care than she could offer and that she wanted to make sure I had every opportunity to recover properly.

I let it happen. I complied and didn’t fight. Deep down, I knew it was the right choice. I kept coming back to the image of me standing in front of Jeremy, desperate for the drugs he had on him.

That hung around my neck, anchoring me to the despair and self-pity that is all I feel now. I had to unshackle myself from that memory.

Happy birthday to me.

It wasn’t as bad as I feared.

The shame of being there wasn’t as hard to reconcile as I had imagined. This was the best place for me to get better. I knew that. And I did the work.

The journal I’d started became pivotal, and what Mum had started, I learned how to finish, shaping tools around me to use and stop myself from falling into old habits.

And I did everything I could to forget that I loved Jeremy Archer.