Only You, Only Us

Chapter 24

It can’t be Jeremy.

No.

It’s my imagination, the time of year, getting back from Cornwall, and my mind is playing tricks, especially after conjuring the vision of him last night.

He’s been gone for years. Or rather, I’ve assumed he’s been gone. Our paths haven’t crossed even though I’ve not moved. The temptation to go and see if he was still living at his family house was crippling to start with. Having the possibility of seeing him so close was like my own form of personal torture. He was just like the drink or the drugs — an addiction and a temptation that tested me beyond comfort.

I begged Mum to move away when I came out of rehab so I wouldn’t have to fight that pull as well as everything else. That was the one thing she wouldn’t allow. I think she knew it was all because of Jeremy.

It’s a small town — her home, our home — and she wouldn’t be pushed out by my broken heart and the trail of devastation it left in its wake.

It took weeks to convince myself that he wouldn’t simply be waiting at the end of the street to stalk me when I got home. Of course, he wasn’t. Weeks turned to months, and the fear of what seeing him would do to me faded.

I got stronger, and I became braver to the idea of seeing him, confident that it wouldn’t send me over the edge or ruin my progress and recovery.

And now, he’d only slip into my mind on occasion — but he still did.

Seeing him, if only from afar and only for a moment, was like a kick to the guts. It snatched the air from my lungs and left me paralysed. And I hated that after all this time and all my hard work, he still had that effect on me.

I watch him leave before entering to grab my lunch, my head in a daze of memories and longings.

For the rest of the day, thoughts of Jeremy Archer cloud my mind. I’m distracted — how could I not be? The one saving grace in all of this is that I don’t find myself reaching for a drink or something worse to help. It’s a relief that I draw strength from and cling to it with daggered nails.

When I get home, I go to the small wooden box I keep on the windowsill in my bedroom and open the lid. Inside are over a dozen shiny round coins, my sobriety chips, marking each hard-won month or year I’ve been sober. I pick out my most recent one, three years, and want to put it around my neck like a talisman against temptation.

For the next couple of days, I avoid doing much of anything except work and make sure there’s no reason I need to venture out. It might be weak, but I want to make sure I’m ready for the possibility that Jeremy Archer is back. However, it has put me in a bad mood, and I can sense the need to withdraw in on myself.

I’ve even forgotten why I was in a mood with Reece.

“Are we meeting for lunch?” Reece asks. He stayed over last night, although I don’t know why he bothered, as we didn’t have sex. And, if I’m being brutal, my mind wasn’t on him.

“Sure. Are you going into the office?” I ask.

“Um, no, I thought I’d just work from here. I’ve got a few online meetings. You don’t mind, do you?”

“Seriously, Reece.” The anger at the thought of arriving home to my place being taken over flares back to life. “I don’t mind you coming over, but I thought you’d have reconsidered working here after what happened at the weekend.” He puts his hands up and backs towards the kitchen door.

“Okay, relax. Who got out the wrong side of bed this morning?”

“Please, don’t make fun of me. It’s my house. I’m just asking you to consider me before taking up residency.”

“Oh, don’t worry. We’re not there yet. You’ve made that perfectly clear.” He chuckles, but his comment makes me see red.

“No. No, if you’re going to be like that, then no, you can’t squat in my front room to work. Go to your office or even your own place. I’m running late. I’ll see you at one.” I storm off and slam the front door.

Perhaps my reaction was a little overboard, but I’m done with him taking liberties, and what I first saw as safe and easy has started to shift to being a nuisance. He’s company, but not even good company at the moment.

The bad mood from Monday and now the confrontation with Reece keeps my mood sour. I even snap at work, which is unheard of for me.

By lunchtime, my nerves have grown to the point I nearly cancel on Reece. Still, I make the short walk to the coffee shop, although my footsteps slow as I approach, not because of meeting Reece, but because of the possibility of seeing Jeremy.

I’ve been coming here for years and have never seen him before, but the vision of him is now engrained in my mind.

My heart pounds for a few moments before I shove the nonsense aside and walk to the door. It might not have even been him.

But as I reach for the handle, it opens, and he walks out, nearly running me over.

We both stop, staring at each other as if the rest of the world has faded away.

“Anna.” My name on his lips sounds like relief and salvation all at once.

“What are you doing here?” I jump in, brittle and rocked to my core.

“Just getting a coffee.” His face scrunches as he answers.

“I mean, why are you here, in town?”

“I live here. Always have. You know this, or have you tried to forget everything about me?” There’s a smile threatening his lips, but it’s forced.

“Don’t be silly.” I step aside, needing a minute. “I assumed you’d left. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you.” I try to justify my questions.

“I’ve travelled and been away for work, but I’ve never left, not for more than a few months at a time. My mum’s still here, too.” He takes a step towards me. “You look fantastic, Anna.” He goes to move closer to me again.

“Stop.” I pull away from him, moving back in balance with his movement closer, but it’s not far enough that I don’t notice his eyes. They’re sad like they used to be at school before we got together, as though there’s not enough light in his world to brighten them.

I turn around to stop the connection, but I can already feel it coiling around my heart.

“Don’t go, Anna. Please.” He reaches out to stop me, but I can’t. A surge of anger hits me as I wield around to face him again.

“You broke me. You tossed me aside for someone else like we were nothing and left me to drown.” My words burst out at him.

“And you left me,” he comes right back at me.

“That’s not how I remember it.” I shake my head.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“You were the one who broke us. You shut me out after I begged you not to.”

“We were bad for each other. We were sick.”

“And you abandoned me. Then came and accused me of cheating or moving on. I’m still not quite sure what happened that day. But it’s not me that’s fucked up, Anna.”

“No.” I cut him off. “We’re not doing this.”

“You know it’s the truth. And you know we’re still meant to be together.” He looks down at me as he says it.

“What?” I stare up at him. He can’t mean that. It’s only then I realise how close we’ve crept together, as if I’m being pulled to him even beyond my will. But I’ve run out of words, and there are tremors around my heart as if I’m about to crack open.

“Hey.”

Reece.

“It was nice to see you.” I step back, turn to Reece, and thread my arm through his. I see Jeremy stiffen as he watches me.

“You, too.” He breezes past, and I make a small smile at Reece.

“Who was that?” he asks.

“Just an old friend from school.”

“Oh, you didn’t introduce me.”

“Sorry, it was only a brief hi. Are we going in?” I gesture to the coffee shop.

“You don’t mention friends from school. Only Sammy. What’s up with that?”

“Look, Reece, are we getting lunch?” I ask as we’re still standing outside.

“I see the mood hasn’t improved from this morning,” he puts on a whiny voice.

I turn to look at him, ready to scream at him. “Forget it. I’ll get my lunch to go. Don’t come over tonight.” I keep the ‘fuck you’ to myself.

At least he doesn’t think following me inside is a good idea.

A bunch of text messages are waiting for me by the time I get home after work.

All apologetic — grovelling, even.

Reece

I just want to get to know you more.

Reece

You’re so closed off. I don’t want to fight.

Reece

I want to make things better, so just tell me how.

Urghh.

I ignore them all.

Jeremy invades my thoughts, and no matter how hard I try, he’s there, and I’m playing over our conflict. It’s the weekend, and I have no plans, so I consider going to an additional AA meeting to make sure I keep myself busy and strong.

It doesn’t stop me from daydreaming, though, wondering what he’s been doing for the last four years and trying to figure out why he’d think we’re meant to be together after all this time.

After ignoring his texts, Reece has been decidedly absent, which I’m starting to feel bad about. But then I rewind the words and digs he’s launched at me, and I question that, in my vulnerable state, I may have completely misjudged his character.

By Sunday, I’m climbing the walls, so I head out for a run. I’ve never classed myself as sporty before, but it’s a healthy thing to become obsessed with, although I wish it was as easy to become addicted to. I can still happily skip exercising, especially in bad weather.

I take my usual path, avoiding the busy part of town, and start to find my stride as I cover the paths that run adjacent to the park area.

“Anna!” I hear someone calling my name, but with my earbuds in, I don’t recognise the voice. “Anna!”

I stop, turn, and see Jeremy, coffee in hand again. I slow down and take a breather as Jeremy walks over to me. There’s no reason why I should be doing this, but I’m intrigued — and maybe feeling brave.

“A new look for you.” He looks me up and down.

“What, being healthy?”

“Ouch.”

“True. What about you?” I keep my feet moving as if I’m in flight mode, ready to run.

“What about me? You can ask me anything.” His voice pulls at the loose threads of my heart.

“Do you still use?” I blurt it out because it’s the question I want to know the answer to the most. Our last meeting, years ago, ended in disaster, all over drugs. My feelings for him and my addiction are more closely linked now than they ever were, like the double helix of my DNA.

“No.” His answer is clipped and harsh.

“Really?”

“I’ve never lied to you, Anna.”

“Then why don’t I believe you?” I study his face, looking for anything that might give him away, but I’m just confronted with the same eyes and lips that I used to long for.

It was so hard for me to get clean and sober and not want to reach for a drink or a pill at every opportunity. Even after rehab, I stumbled. Jere always seemed to deal with our episodes differently — he didn’t suffer like I did.

“That’s on you, not me.”

I shake my head and start to jog away from him, but he follows.

“No. Leave me, Jere. I mean it.” I plant my feet and race off, digging into the adrenalin to push me harder to get as far away from him as possible. My legs burn as I sprint along the path and dip down onto a cycle trail. It’s not the usual way I’d loop back home, but I don’t want to do anything that would mean our paths might cross again today.

As I run, my body fights the memories that start to surface. For so long, I’ve been focussing only on the bad and getting better that I’d forgotten about the good. Seeing Jeremy again makes that harder to do.

My legs ache, and my body shakes by the time I get home due to the pace I pushed myself to. I slam the door and lock it as if in fear someone will come through the door after me.

My T-shirt clings to my skin as I pull it off and throw it into the wash basket. The same with my leggings before I start the shower.

The water cleanses my skin, and I let it wash away the stress and mood from the encounter, although I can’t help but play it over in my mind again and again.

It’s like he’s snuck back in — an itch I can’t quite satisfy. The sense of unfinished business only grows, sending me dizzy with questions and thoughts. But not enough to push me to that edge.

I check in with Sammy and see if we can change our plans for later.

Anna

Film? Ice cream?

Sammy

Sure. Everything okay?

I don’t tell her about Jeremy.

Anna

Just not in the mood to go out. Plus, I can fill you in on the Reece situation.

Sammy

Oh, no? Really?

Anna

I’ll explain when you’re here.

There were times I thought that Sammy and I wouldn’t make it. I allowed my relationship with Jeremy to skew so much of my life, and I’m thankful I’ve had another chance with her because, looking back, there’s a huge question of whether I deserve it.

She went off and did everything we said we’d do together, and there are days when that pains me. It’s still raw, seeing her live the life we thought we’d have together. But it’s all my own fault — mine and Jeremy’s.

Most of the time, I’m only thankful and happy for Sammy.

And now is one of them.

I open the door, and she holds out two tubs of chocolate fudge ice cream. “What did he do?” she jumps right in.

“Come in. And thank you for this.”

“Is it bad? You seem down. Do you need to talk? A meeting?”

She is as dedicated to keeping me on the straight path as much as my mother — another reason to love her.

“Yes, maybe a little. That’s why you’re here,” I give her a pointed look. “And probably not today. My regular is fine.”

The film is forgotten, but we both munch our way through far more of the gooey chocolate-ness than we should as we catch up.

And arrive at the same conclusion.

Either commit to Reece or cut him loose.

Unfortunately, both things sound terrifying, but for very different reasons.