Chapter 28
“Oh my god. I’m stuffed. I couldn’t eat another thing.”
“Well, it’s nice to indulge once in a while. And we’re celebrating.”
I look over at Marty and smile. “Yes, we are. Thank you.”
He lifts his sparkling virgin cocktail to me, and I raise mine to clink. “You’ll be amazing, Anna. I know it. You can do whatever you want. You just need to put your mind to it.” He looks at me but holds my gaze for a few extra seconds, and I get a buzz of something in the air as if things just shifted. “You’re special, you know that. To me.” His eyes search mine, but all I feel is panic.
I sit back and push my chair out. “Just going to use the bathroom.” I escape and rush to the sanctity of the ladies’ room.
“No, no, no…” I repeat as I enter and stare at myself in the mirror.
Marty was one of my best friends, possibly even my best friend, now that Sammy had moved away to chase her dreams. We still spoke and saw each other, but Marty worked at the same company as I did, and the proximity made the friendship stronger.
But that’s all we were. We were friends out celebrating my promotion, nothing more. There had never been even an inkling that he felt any other way until tonight.
I could be wrong, and the way he looked at me while saying those words could have been genuine friendship. But he’s never looked at me like that. And now I’m freaking out because that’s not how I feel about Marty. I wish it were. God, it would be so easy if it were.
Marty knows everything about me. My past. My addiction. And Jeremy.
And still, he’s there for me.
He’s the kind of guy I need.
But there’s no magic between us, at least not in the way that I can see turning into a romantic and physical relationship.
I stare at the mirror, willing myself to reconsider or maybe even try to open myself up to someone like Marty. But my eyes don’t sparkle at that thought. They look bleak and hollow at the possibility of destroying something that I love. Because I do love him, but only as a friend.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I tell myself and go back out there.
“Hey.” He puts his phone down.
“Ready to get the bill?”
“Sure. Everything okay?”
“Yep. No problem.”
He tilts his head as if waiting for the truth, but I’m not going to tempt it.
Marty covers the bill — his treat tonight, and we leave.
He’s always walked me home, that’s what he’s like, but instead of being relaxed after a great evening celebrating, anxiety festers, and I’m waiting to escape into the safety of my house and forget about that funny moment at the table.
“Look, Anna.”
“Marty, thank you for tonight. It was exactly what I needed.” I smile and hope he catches on. The desperation simmers between us, but he doesn’t say anything else.
He stares at me, and I see he’s searching my eyes for a clue the moment he catches on. He takes a breath, letting it out in an exaggerated sigh. “I’ll see you Monday?” His voice is deflated, and my heart thuds and conjures up a hefty dose of guilt for cutting anything off before it even started.
“Monday. Bright and early.”
Once I shut the door, I let out my own sigh.
Maybe we can forget this awkward end to the night ever happened. I hope so because Marty is the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time, and I’d be devastated if we couldn’t navigate this.
I don’t hear from Marty over the weekend. That in itself is unusual. We messaged most days. So, by Sunday, I’m paranoid that I’ve hurt him or offended him.
Anna
Lunch tomorrow?
I wait for his answer, but it doesn’t come right away, so I go for a run to keep myself occupied.
Running is my one and only addiction now, although it took a while to fully succumb to it. Now, I use it as a healthy form of therapy as it affords me time to think and forget all at once.
I tie my laces and head out the door.
After Jeremy left and I broke up with Reece, I closed myself off from everyone. My judgement was clearly off kilter if I couldn’t see Reece for who he truly was. I could almost forgive myself for Jeremy. He was my first, and I knew I’d always love him in a certain way.
I’ve accepted that and found embracing that fact rather than fighting it makes it a lot easier to deal with. It didn’t make it easier to forget him and move on, but I allowed myself to have feelings that would never be resolved.
He broke my heart more than once. We’ll always have history. They are the facts.
By the end of my run, there is still no message from Marty.
Anna
Come on. I’m sorry.
Still nothing.
“God, come on, Marty.” My anger flares that he might feel something for me that means our friendship is at risk. It’s unfair, but it’s how I feel.
Fine.
It will be better tomorrow. He just needs some time.
I go to my bedroom and look at the box on the windowsill. I crack it open and pull out my latest coin. Six years is a long time, and while I still go to meetings, I’m confident that I can handle my demons. I’ve spent a long time wrestling them, but that’s what’s given me strength.
Marty has been a big part of the last few years, and it’s crippling that our friendship might be in jeopardy.
Marty
Sorry. I’m still here. How about a drink after work?
Anna
The juice bar?
Marty
For sure
I stare at the text messages, and my heart eases now he’s responded.
It will be fine.
Mondays are good days.
Today should be a great day. My first day in my new role as the area manager. Of course, that means we have a logistical disaster to deal with, two people off sick, a lost shipment, and an angry customer.
Just what I have to look forward to every day now.
It’s exhausting, and maybe the promotion was too good to be true.
It’s frantic in the office, and I don’t get the opportunity to check in with Marty before the end of the day.
Anna
I’ll be there in 10 x
I grab my things and race out of the office after putting all the fires out.
Marty is already there, sitting at the stools in the window where we often meet. It was a fancy juice bar, only serving alcohol-free, organic drinks, and it made it feel special even though we weren’t in an actual wine bar. Marty didn’t mind a beer but never drank in front of me.
“You look like you’ve had a day,” he greets.
“It’s been tough, but apparently, that’s what I wanted. It’s all the better for seeing you. Thank you for this.”
“My pleasure.”
“I just?—”
“Shall we order? I’m in need of a caffeine hit as well as a posh drink.” He picks up the menu and cuts off the line of conversation.
I bite my tongue and pick up the menu. Clearly, things might need to settle between us, and I should allow that.
We order drinks, but the conversation is stilted and nothing like it would normally be. Pressure and worry grow as the minutes tick on, and I struggle to see how this will resolve itself.
Why did anything have to change?
We both feel the awkward shift and what is usually hours of time spent together is over as soon as we can finish our drinks.
I get the bill, and we saunter outside.
“Look, I just have to say this,” Marty starts.
“No, please don’t. It’s fine.”
He shakes his head. “You deserve to be with someone who worships you, Anna. Don’t you see that?”
I make a little sigh. “That’s sweet, and I don’t disagree, but?—”
“But you don’t feel the same about me,” he interrupts.
I shake my head and pull my lips together, holding my breath.
“Nobody has ever treated you like you deserve, and that kills me. You’ve cut every possibility off before it can take hold, all because of what that wanker did to you.”
I don’t want him to bring Jeremy into this, but I also can’t deny he’s right, but I keep those thoughts to myself.
“I’m sorry, Marty. I am. You know I love you. You’re my best friend. And I value that above ever trying and risking hurting you.” I grab his hands, squeeze them in mine, and offer him a smile.
“I just wish you’d think about the possibility. Hell, if it’s not me, even the possibility of being happy with someone else. I’ve known you a couple of years now, and you’ve never even been on a date with someone unless it’s been as a group.”
“That’s not true. I’ve been—” He stands there waiting for me to finish the sentence, but I realise he’s right.
“I think—” It’s his turn to take my hands. “That we have something that could be really special. You just need to open yourself up to the possibility.” He leans in and kisses me on the cheek before leaving.
“Marty, wait.” I reach for his arm and pull him back to me, not wanting him to leave on a sad note, but I can see the hurt in his eyes, freezing me on the spot. I wish I could wave a magic wand and turn my heart back on, but even now, with everything on the line from him, there’s still nothing but friendly affection for him. And I can’t kiss him when I know there’s nothing in it. Risking our friendship is too big a gamble, and being with him because it’s easy isn’t right either. I learned that from Reece.
“Don’t. I know you’ll regret it, but I appreciate you even considering it. Give me a few days, let me lick my bruised ego, and then we’ll be fine, okay?”
“You promise?”
He nods.
“Marty, I’m so sorry.”
“So am I.”
I watch him walk away, feeling cruel and heartless. He deserves someone to love him the same way he thinks I deserve to be loved. Tears well in my eyes, and I send a little prayer that we’ll come out of this stronger.
I don’t go inside but head to Mum’s. I don’t want to be alone right now. But I make sure I stop for ice cream on the way.
Although I have a key, I haven’t called ahead, so I knock on the door.
“Hey, kiddo. Your mum’s in?—”
“Her studio. Thanks, Andy.” I walk in and drop the ice cream into the freezer before going to find Mum.
Andy and Mum have been together for a little over a year now. He’s a photographer who she met through one of the galleries where she sells her pieces. I didn’t realise that Mum wasn’t happy until I saw her with Andy. It’s like a light has turned on inside her, and I couldn’t be happier. After all, she deserves a happy ever after more than anyone, and Andy seems to be fulfilling his duties of granting that.
It’s a little strange not having her to myself all the time, but I’m happy to share her if she has someone to look out for her.
“Hey, Mum.”
“Hey, you. I wasn’t expecting…” She stops and looks at me. “What happened?”
I was fine until she asked, but that simple question turns on my emotional floodgates. Tears sting my eyes as I take a breath, trying to keep it in.
She just bundles me into a cuddle, just like she’s always done when I need it.
“What’s this all about?”
“It’s Marty,” I sniff.
“Is he okay? He’s not sick, is he?”
“He’s fine. But he wants to be with me, and my stupid dead heart doesn’t feel the same way.”
She lets my tears run dry and pulls a tissue for me, which I take with gratitude and blow my nose. “I brought ice cream,” I croak.
“Let me get that for us. We can go and sit in the other room.”
I walk through, flump down and wait for her to come back. Andy is in the corner chair, but she shoos him out. She hands me a spoon, and I smile at her as she pulls the cardboard lid off. We both dig in, and I let the sugary goodness patch up the sadness that’s overtaken me.
A few mouthfuls in, Mum asks, “I thought Marty was just a friend?”
“He is. That’s the problem. We don’t share the same feelings. It’s all got messy, and I hate that. I thought we were fine.” I shove the spoon into the ice cream and dig out a scoop.
“Sometimes, people’s feelings change.”
“I know that. I just didn’t want it to happen with us. He’s my best friend. How can I share things and talk the way we did, knowing he thinks of me in that way?”
“You’ll find a way if it’s important to you.”
I nod and suck my spoon. “It is.” I lick my teeth to clean them of the chocolate coating. “Mum, why can’t I just open myself up and be happy?” I complain.
“Well, I don’t think that’s one for me to answer. Although I think I know where it comes from.”
“If you say his name, I’m cutting you off. I can’t deal with it tonight.” Even though she hasn’t said the word, I still pull the tub of ice cream into my lap.
“I wasn’t going to. But you know it’s the truth.” She puts her hand out, and I scrape the last spoon of melty chocolate from the tub before handing it back.
I stay and watch telly before I finally concede and head home.
It’s been a shit Monday.