40. Vapas
40
VAPAS
S he stands in the middle of the cavern casually defiant as if we’re not in a precarious enough position. Halfway between the home of my people, who want to kill us, and the compound of the Zmaj who want to kill me. We’re at risk of patrols from either side. And let’s not even consider the beasts that call under the mountain home, any one of which could pose a serious threat.
I try to think of a way to convince her to move. I could make her, of course, but no. She may have lied to me but that is on her, not me. I will not stain my honor by mistreating her. No matter that she deceived me, she does not deserve that.
“Talk?” I ask, taking one step closer. I gesture around us with both hands. “This is not safe.”
“I know,” she says, her voice sounds as if she is choking on the words. She raises her own hands, drops them, then crosses her arms over herself. “Vapas, please. I need to… please.”
“Please?” I ask, shaking my head. “Please what, Phoebe?”
“Give me a chance?” she whispers.
I stare not out of some mean intent but because I don’t know what to say. Have I not given her a chance? Did I not take her in? Protect her from the Maulavi, every time at great personal risk? Did I not honor her? Am I not on this suicide mission for her? What more chance does she want?
My heartbeat and breathing are coming faster. My hands involuntarily curl into fists and I have to force them to relax. None of that is helping. We need to move, whatever this is, it is better to get it over with and continue. Once the Zmaj find us they will end me anyway, what happens between now and then is of little consequence.
“Talk,” I say, waving my hand between us.
“I…” she stops, clears her throat then rubs her face with both hands.
I wait, not so much with patience but with determination to let her do what she’s going to do. It seems pointless, knowing that the end result will be the same. My death is inevitable and will come soon enough.
“Vapas, I’m sorry,” she says, her small, lithe body shaking.
“I understand,” I say, turning away, I resume walking. I only make it three steps when I realize that she’s not following. I stop, bow my head as I try to keep my frustration under control. Finally, I turn and there she stands, in the same place, her eyes reflecting the dim light of the fungi. “What? What is it Phoebe? You have apologized. I accept. We must continue. I would end this journey sooner than later.”
She shakes her head while running her hands up and down her arms and shivering. The caverns are cool and I am not surprised she is chilled. There was no time to get her a cloak or any protection from it. An instant pang of regret thrusts unbidden into my thoughts. Bah, she betrayed me, is that not sufficient reason for me to have not thought of getting her a cloak?
No. No it is not.
I close the distance between us and take her into my arms, offering what warmth I can. Her body conforms against mine perfectly. The circle of my arms around her completing something more than just the physical touch.
She wraps her arms around my waist and presses her face to my chest. My anger and hurt remain, but they do lessen. How can I remain angry with her? Allowing her a chance to talk seems the least I should do.
“I’m so sorry,” she murmurs, voice muffled against my chest.
I move us closer to the wall and then let her go. Rummaging through the packs of supplies that I had gotten from the Resistance, I look for something to use to keep her warm. She rubs her arms while waiting in silence.
Buried at the bottom of a pack is a tightly folded thin blanket. I snap it open and wrap it around her shoulders, she grasps onto it with a grateful smile. Her eyes glisten with unshed moisture while she purses her lips to stop them from trembling.
I gesture for her to sit. She puts her back to the wall and lowers herself. I sit in front of her, close enough that our knees are touching. She leans forward, staring at that point of contact.
“You wished to talk?” I prod, trying to make my voice at least sound gentle.
It’s not that I do not care. Of course I do. I wouldn’t be hurt or angry if I didn’t care. But I am hurt. I shouldn’t be. Betrayal has become so commonplace among the Urr’ki that it would not have come as the slightest of surprises from anyone else, but her. This hurts more than I know how to handle.
“Yeah…” she says, not looking up. “It’s true, Vapas. I was… was sent to the Urr’ki.”
“Huh,” I grunt when she doesn’t continue.
This is not news. It was established when she didn’t deny what Virodah said. If this is all she has to say then there is no point to this conversation. I wait a moment for her to continue but she says nothing. I shake my head and put my hands down, pushing myself back up.
“No, wait,” she says, dropping the blanket to put her hands on my knees. “Please. Wait.”
I pause half-way up. She locks her eyes onto mine. Anger and hurt push me to move, walk away. Staying will only bring more pain. I have had more than enough pain, losing my dragoste the first time was more than I ever thought I could stand. Losing Phoebe, the idea of her even, no. I do not need this pain.
“No,” I growl. “We need to go.”
I move to standing and offer her my hand.
“Vapas, please,” she says, not taking my hand or moving. “All I ask is a chance. A chance to explain.”
Anger burns like fire in my veins. Flaring with every beating of my heart. Throbbing in my head and through my thoughts. She betrayed me. She lied to me. She is not who I thought she was. How did I ever think she was my dragoste returned? What kind of fool have I been?
“Then do so,” I say, harsher than I should. “But we are not safe, so make it quick.”
Staring at her soft, pale face and the glistening of her eyes eases the pain in my heart. I cannot be mean, not to her. Slowly, I lower myself to sit back in front of her. Her breath trembles and she nods.
“It was… a mission… we were supposed to… the idea was…”
“Phoebe,” I say. Getting my own hurt and anger under control, I gently place my hands on her thighs and stop her after she keeps restarting trying to say what she wants. “Take a breath. Gather yourself.”
She rapidly blinks several times then slowly nods. She closes her eyes, inhales deeply, and holds it. When she lets it out in a long, slow, slightly trembling breath she opens her eyes and a faint smile dances over her lips. Her sweet, soft, delightful lips.
“Thanks,” she whispers, doing it one more time and then she seems to be better. “It was never supposed to hurt you. I would have told you. I swear it.”
The sincerity of her words carries with them, in the tone of her voice, the depth of her fear. Together they drive a knife into my chest, boring into my heart. A lump forms in my throat, making it harder to breathe.
“I… believe you.”
Her eyes widen, the first drops of moisture falling from her eyes. She nods, biting her lower lip. She puts her hands onto mine where they rest on her thighs.
“We… we humans… our leader, her name is Rosalind, she wants to forge an alliance with the Urr’ki.”
“With us?” She nods enthusiastically. “How? What does she know of Urr’ki?”
“There are some of your people living in the Zmaj compound,” she says. “A few of them, I don’t know how many. They’ve been telling Rosalind and the Zmaj Al’fa about what is happening. I guess, I don’t know. We were briefed but I don’t think they told us everything.”
My head is reeling. Urr’ki are living among the Zmaj? The lizards? Our ancient enemy has accepted some of my kind into their compound? It should be impossible.
“How?” I ask, not really meaning the question for her but it slips from my mouth.
“I don’t know,” she says shrugging.
None of this… this isn’t the way it is. Our war with the Zmaj has cost us everything. There is no road to peace with them. No hope for a future left in this world. The only reason my people have fallen under the Shaman’s sway is because we were already giving up.
What point is there in continuing when all the future could offer was loss, pain, and an impending doom? On his platform of promises of bringing destruction to our enemies the Shaman rose to power. It cannot all be a lie. Our war with the Zmaj predates him by far. The tale of it is on all of our mudrosti.
“It cannot be,” I say, shaking my head in denial. “The liz—Zmaj are the enemy. They have always been the enemy. We, the Urr’ki, are the First Born of Tajss, it’s rightful inheritors before they came from the stars and usurped our place.”
She frowns and shrugs.
“I’m sorry Vapas, I don’t know anything about all that,” she says.
She is rubbing her hand over mine. It’s a comforting gesture and I don’t think it’s a calculated move. I do not think she is that kind of a person. I stare into her eyes, searching for any hint of deception, but there is nothing. Nothing but the beautiful eyes of the woman I have fallen for.
My dragoste.
She may not have told me everything but does that change what I feel? What my heart and soul knows? That she is the one who completes me?
“Phoebe—”
She puts her finger on my lips, stopping me from saying more. Her finger is small, soft, and warm. I want to take it into my mouth, suck on that delicate digit then kiss my way up her arm until I find her lips then down…
Stop. This isn’t over.
I jerk my thoughts away from the carnal and focus. This isn’t the time and certainly not the place.
“Vapas… I need to finish,” she says, holding her finger to my lips a moment longer than is strictly necessary. Pressing a little bit harder, a little more insistent, then removing it with what seems like reluctance and a hitch in her breathing. “I came to gather information. Data for my leader. She thought if we could find enough good things, enough… I don’t know, similarities between the Urr’ki and the Zmaj that she could negotiate at least a truce if not an actual peace.”
I frown. I don’t understand what this human leader wants. No one does something without some kind of a gain for themselves, what does she gain? What do the humans get from involving themselves in our war?
“Why? Why bother? What do you, your people gain from any of this?”
She shakes her head then shrugs.
“I.. don’t know.”
“You are sure?” I probe, watching her responses, the final dregs of suspicion holding me back from understanding. She nods and all I see is sincerity. She is telling me all she knows. “Do you think…”
Do I want to know this answer? Will she be honest?
“Think?”
I swallow pride and no small amount of trepidation. Steeling myself for the answer, whether I like it or not.
“Do you think they will kill me?”
She jerks back, eyes widening, and her mouth dropping open.
“No!” she exclaims so loudly that it echoes off the walls of the tunnel. She shakes her head violently and grabs onto my arms, pulling me in closer. “No Vapas. No, I’d never. No.”
She cups my face between her hands. Her face is close enough to kiss. The intensity in her eyes burns into my heart.
“It is okay,” I say. “I do this for my people. For the chance, no matter how slight, to stop the Shaman.”
“Vapas, no. I meant what I said. All of it. They will not harm you. I will not allow it.”
“Phoebe, you cannot know that. Our peoples…”
“I know it,” she says, steel suddenly in her voice. “Because I will not allow it. As long as there is breath in my lungs and strength in my hands, you will not die at the hands of the Zmaj.”
There is no hint of doubt or deception in her voice. Her eyes bore intensely into mine.
I pull her into a kiss.