44. Phoebe
The room is pretty much the same as the one I was in before, except now I’m not sharing it with three other girls. It’s just Vapas and I.
I took the time to put things in place, including getting my few belongings from my old room. I showed Vapas where the cleaning rooms were and though they kept a guard on him, we were both able to clean up.
Now we’re back in our room with nothing to do. He’s been quiet since our meeting with Rosalind. It makes sense, he had a grand purpose and now it’s a game of wait and see.
The calm that usually radiates from him like a steady flame is gone, extinguished by the weight of this moment. Every tick of the clock gnaws at his restraint, fraying the edges of a patience I once believed unshakable. His jaw tightens, his hands curl into fists, and for the first time, I see cracks in the foundation of his endless kindness. A tension that threatens to snap under the strain.
We sit next to each other by the small fire in the middle of the room, both of us staring into the flames. He puts his arm over my shoulders and I rest my head against his chest. It’s comfortable, but I’m acutely aware of how tense he is.
“It won’t be long,” I say at last.
“No?” he asks.
“I don’t think so,” I say. “They’ll have to decide soon.”
“If they do not, it will not matter.”
I think about that and the worst part is, I am sure he’s right. The Shaman and his Maulavi grew more erratic the longer I was there. Something definitely changed. I don’t know what, though.
I sigh, wishing there was something I could do. Lacking any other way to help, I snuggle in close, squeezing him tight. He returns the affection, looking down and planting noisy kisses on top of my head.
Leaning backwards, I meet his lips with mine which immediately leads us both into strong interest in something besides waiting. We make love next to the fire pit. With no constraints of time, or any danger that we can do anything about at least, we take our time.
I don’t think about it until we’re done but as we cuddle under a blanket it hits me. He finished inside me and this is the first vaginal sex I’ve had since the ship. I’m not on any kind of prevention. On the ship, population was strictly monitored and controlled. Birth control was part of our daily rations until we were ‘permitted’ to have a child.
We didn’t do anything, not even the old standby of pull out and pray. Some of his come leaks out, but most of what felt like a really big load is sitting inside, working along and doing its magic.
Maybe. I know enough biology to know that it’s not automatic or any kind of a guarantee, but the idea has ‘taken seed’ in my head and now I can’t quit thinking about it.
We are spooning together, but I need to talk to him about this. I roll over, throwing my arm over his broad chest while hooking my leg over his. I kiss his cheek, peppering the strong jaw line with small smacks of my lips.
“Vapas,” I murmur.
“Hmm?”
He’s half asleep, his eyes are closed and his breath is evening out.
“What do you think of a child?”
His eyes snap open and he rises partially up onto an elbow.
“Are you?”
“No, I mean, I don’t know, but… we haven’t talked about it.”
He frowns, lying back down. He hooks one arm under his head for support and stares at the ceiling. He lost a child with his dragoste, so it’s not hard to imagine he’s not only thinking this through but dealing with those emotions too.
Rather than prod, I wait. I hate waiting, almost as much as he does, but anything less would be disrespectful and I’m not going to do that to him. He inhales deeply and then lets it out slowly.
“It is good,” he says at last.
“You’re sure?” I ask.
He nods.
“I am. You are my dragoste.”
“Yes, but… her…”
He turns and our faces are a fingers width apart. His eyes bore into mine.
“Dragoste,” he says. “You are mine. I loved her, deep and true.”
“But…”
“But nothing. Phoebe, I do not know the truth of the spiritual aspects nor pretend to. Are you her returned? Are you, you? How am I to know these things? What I do know is this: I love you. You . Here, now, in this time and in this place my heart is now yours. Is that enough?”
“Yes,” I force the word out but I can’t say more because my heart is in my throat.
I kiss him and run my hands through his hair. He returns the kiss and then his cock is digging into my belly and we’re making love again.
I’m his and he’s mine. Our pretend relationship may have been a ruse to try and protect me, but there is no doubt in the world that what began with faking is now real.
There’s so much going on in the world and while there is still a war to be fought, nothing will change this. I have found love.
Real love. Love that is strong enough, possibly, to even beat the bindings of death. I don’t know either if that is true or not, but what I do know, is that it is definitely enough for me. For us. And for the family we will create together.
THE END