Chapter Six Adam
“I just don’t understand why you left,” my mother said on the other end of the line, the disapproval in her voice all too clear. “You had a good job and a nice apartment. Everything was going well for you. What could there possibly be down in Ludington that you can’t get up here?”
Love. Maybe a sense of self. And of course, a fresh start. But none of those things would be satisfying to her.
“I needed to try something new,” I sighed. “I felt stagnant up there.”
“Something new?” she scoffed. “So put some jello in your pants and call it a day! You gave up everything just to try something new ?!”
“Mom,” I said, pinching the bridge of my nose. “This is what I want, okay? Besides making me feel bad about it now won’t change anything. I already sold it all and quit my job. There’s no going back.”
“You could always come live here,” she offered. That woman had been trying to get me to move back home since my father fucked off. “I’ve got your old room just the way you left it.”
“Right. Just what a thirty-three-year-old guy wants. To live with his mom and sleep in a twin bed with Disney sheets.”
“You love those Disney sheets!”
Another sigh. “Yeah. I do. But that’s not the point.”
“No, the point is that you’re having a mid-life crisis a decade too early and I’m worried about you.” She lowered her voice. “Is something wrong? Like really wrong?”
“I’m not sick if that’s what you’re going to ask. And yeah, something is wrong, but it has nothing to do with you. I just… I had to get something figured out for myself.”
“What does Josh think about all this?”
Fuck. I’d forgotten she knew my ex’s name.
“He’s… not in the picture anymore. He broke up with me before I quit my job.”
“Oh honey,” she cooed. “Is that what all this is about? Boys?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose again. How this woman always managed to find the source of the problem was beyond me. It was like she was a goddamn mind reader. It was the most irritating shit in the world. There was no keeping secrets from her.
“Mom… it’s not…” I let out a long sigh realizing I had no choice but to tell the truth. “Do you know how many guys I’ve dated since college?”
“A few,” she replied, clearly holding back.
“That’s generous of you to say. But no. I’ve dated exactly one hundred men, Mom. A hundred of them.” There was a long pause as I felt the familiar tightness grip my chest. “And not a single one of them wanted to stay with me.”
“Honey… I’m sure you just–”
“Mom,” I said, cutting her off. “Don’t tell me I just haven’t met the right guy yet. How many men did you date before you married Dad?”
“Three,” she sighed. “Although I obviously didn’t choose the right guy since he’s gone.”
“Maybe not, but at least he stuck around for more than a couple months,” I said, exasperated by this entire conversation. “You two were together for twenty years ! Obviously, something was right about it!”
“And yet, he still left. Apparently, I didn’t know him as well as I thought I did. The last thing I expected him to do was run off the moment you came out.”
There was that guilt again, tearing at my insides.
“I’m sorry–” I began.
“No,” she said, cutting me off. “Don’t ever apologize for being who you are. Nobody should ever have to apologize for that. Your father is an asshole. End of story. If he was even half the man I thought he was, he would’ve accepted you with open arms and told you that he loved you no matter what.”
I could hear the sadness in her voice, and it pulled at my heartstrings. I always thought the pair of them were inseparable. A love forged to last the ages. But when Dad wanted to disown me after I came out, Mom told me she had no choice but to send him packing. I was her priority and nothing, not even my own father, was going to take me away from her. That’s why I knew, no matter how much she pestered me, she loved me more than anything else in the world.
“I understand you’re feeling a bit lost,” she went on to say. “I get it. I really do. I feel lost myself some days. But honey, I don’t think running away from your life is going to fix it. There can’t be many men down there to even date.”
Another deep sigh.
“I know. And I’m not looking for guys down here. I actually came here because I realized, out of all my friends back home, the only ones I really cared about were down here. And I knew they could help me get it all sorted out.”
“Rowan?”
“Yeah. Him and James.” I took a deep breath. “They’re gonna help me get myself straightened out. It turns out I’m not as nice of a guy as I thought I was.”
“I’m sure you’re fine.”
I shook my head. “No, Mom. I’m not. I’ve been blocking people out and not giving them the attention they deserve. In fact, the more I look at things, the more I realize I’ve been coasting along for a long time without really connecting with anyone. It’s no wonder they all left.” I paused for a moment, glancing out the window toward the clouds on the horizon. “How can you fall in love with someone if they don’t ever let you in?”
“Oh honey…”
We were both silent for a long moment.
“I… I think I understand what you’re saying now,” she said finally. “That doesn’t mean I’m happy about it and I think there are probably better ways to work through this. But I understand. Coming home wouldn’t help because… well because you’re my son. I can’t see any bad in you even if I tried. But your friends might be able to give you more helpful advice.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My mother was giving me her approval.
“I still think this was all a bit rushed and thoughtless though.”
And she was back.
“I know, Mom. But I need this. And I’m gonna work through it all.”
“I know you will. And Rowan has a good head on his shoulders. He won’t lead you astray.”
“He’s already been really helpful.”
She blew out a long sigh. “Well. Anything interesting happening down there so far? Tourist season must be gearing up so I bet the beach is packed. I still don’t know why your uncle liked it down there so much. That cabin is tiny.”
“It’s plenty big enough for one or two people,” I smiled, happy to be onto a different subject. “And it’s been pretty quiet. The tourists are definitely trickling in. Oh, and I found a dog the other day.”
“You found a dog?”
“Well, she found me I guess.”
“Are… Are you going to keep it?”
“What? God no!”
Mom blew out a sigh of relief. “Oh good. The last thing you need to do right now is jump into a commitment you aren’t ready for.”
“First of all, ouch ,” I replied. “And no, I don’t want a dog, anyway. You know me, I’m not much of an animal person. Something about picking up another creature’s poop just makes me squirm.”
“Don’t have any kids then,” she laughed.
“ Haha . Very funny.”
“So did you call the pound then?”
“No. She had a collar and an address, so I took her home.” I paused, wondering how much I should share about the extremely handsome blind man I’d been so rude to. “Turns out she was some guy’s seeing-eye dog.”
“I bet he was happy to have her back.”
“He was. Although he wasn’t happy to see me.”
“Why’s that?”
“I didn’t know he was blind, and I might’ve called him a dickhead the other day when he ran into me by accident. Although maybe it was me that ran into him now that I think about it.”
“Adam Matthew,” she sighed, shaking her head. “What am I going to do with you?”
“It was an accident! And I apologized!”
“Did that make it all better?”
Her tone was accusatory because she already knew the answer.
“No,” I grumbled.
“And what did we learn?”
“I know, I know. Don’t be a dick to people as a knee-jerk reaction.”
“Very good.”
“Are we done with the preschool lesson now?”
“Only if you’ve learned it and committed it to memory.”
“You know what,” I said. “I think I need to get going. I’m meeting Rowan and James at the beach for a picnic.”
“Convenient.”
“But true.”
“Alright honey,” she said. “But just be nice to people, okay? You’re never going to make any friends or meet that special guy if you keep pushing people away.”
Another sigh. “I know. Thank you, Mom.”
“That’s what I’m here for.” She made a kissing noise on the other end of the phone. “Love you! And have fun at the beach.”
“I will.”
“Oh, and I’ll come down and visit soon, okay? I know that cabin has a spare bedroom so no telling me otherwise!”
Before I could say anything, she was gone. I pulled the phone away from my ear and slumped down into the couch with a sigh.
I was going to have to put the sex swing away if she was just gonna pop in whenever she wanted. That was the last thing I wanted to explain to her.
But for the moment I had a picnic to get too, and I still hadn’t bought the supplies I’d promised to bring.