Chapter Eight Adam
“Y ou’ve been quiet today,” Rowan observed.
He and I were sitting on a blanket in the sand, a large umbrella popped over top of us. James was only a couple feet away splayed out on a beach chair. He was lying on his stomach so that his back could get some sun.
“Sorry,” I murmured, shaking myself out of it. “Just thinking.”
“About what?”
I thought about telling Rowan what had happened at the coffee shop. How Mateo had complimented me not once, but twice . And how I knew he was flirting with me even though I wouldn’t allow myself to flirt back. It just turned the entire exchange awkward, and I wasn’t sure what to make of it. How do you tell a man you just met that you aren’t dating because you’re a piece of shit person who needs to fix himself? If some guy told me that I would’ve run for the hills.
“It’s nothing,” I replied, waving him off. “Nothing I can do anything about right now, anyway.”
I leaned back on my elbows, staring out over the waves that sparkled in the sunlight. A new thought suddenly struck me. A loophole in my plan.
“Well, maybe that’s not true,” I continued. “I guess I’ve been thinking a lot about what you guys said the other day. About how I’m closed off to everyone.”
“Yeah?”
“Well, I’ve been trying to dial back the sass and the rude comments,” I shrugged. “That’s a bit easier than the other stuff. I just try not to talk as much.”
Rowan furrowed his eyebrows. “I don’t think we were telling you not to talk anymore.”
“I know you weren’t. But while I’m learning to be… nicer , it’s just easier to stay quiet.”
“Okay.”
“But I don’t know how to practice the opening up part. You know me, Booboo. I don’t really like people that much and the ones I do, I like to keep things light.”
“I know you really well.”
“Yeah, but that’s because I met you before I knew better,” I sighed. “College is easy to make friends and open up. You’re coming of age together and it just feels natural to share too much.” I glanced in his direction, noticing the frown on his face. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I did. I love having you in my life. But… well… people since then haven’t been as nice.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. Working at a big company is like being in high school again. I found myself being fake with people because I had to work with them whether I liked it or not. And it was better that they knew as little about me as possible. People can be ruthless when the economy is bad and there are fewer promotions available.” I took a deep breath, hissing it out through my teeth. “And I guess I started doing that with my dating life too without realizing it. At first, I wasn’t really looking for the perfect guy to settle down with forever. I was too young, and I wanted to have fun. But the longer it went on, the more distant I became.” I let my head tilt back toward the sky, the blue above me seemingly endless. “There are some guys I dated for a month or more and didn’t even know their last name or the color of their eyes.”
“The answer seems pretty obvious,” James inserted, turning his head to face us. “Date someone and open up to them. Even if it doesn’t go anywhere.”
Another sigh. “That’s what I’m trying to avoid ,” I groaned. “Another meaningless relationship.”
“It won’t be meaningless. You’ll be using it to learn about yourself and practice being less closed off.”
“Isn’t that just using someone then?”
“And what you were doing before wasn’t using them?”
My face fell.
“I’m not saying it to be mean,” James added. “Really, I’m not. But all dating is practice. You’re spending time with people to figure out what you like and what you don’t. When you find the right one, things click. And when they don’t, you move on. Everyone knows that dating is trial and error. If they think you’re supposed to wait around for Mr. Right and only date him, they’re stupid.” He gave me a soft smile. “So, you’re not using people. Date someone you’re genuinely interested in and practice being open. See how it goes and then you can figure out what kind of step to take next. But sitting here beating yourself up for past mistakes is gonna get you exactly nowhere.”
“He’s got a point,” Rowan added. “And who knows? Maybe you’ll do what I did.”
“What was that?”
“I took a chance on something new that I thought would never last.” He reached over, giving James’ ass a squeeze. “And it turned out to be what I needed all along.”
James glanced down at Rowan’s hand. “That finger is dangerously close to being inside me.”
Rowan squeezed him harder with a playful smile. “Oh darn…”
“Rowan!” He batted his hand away. “We are on a public beach! There are families here!” But he couldn’t help smiling. “And thanks a lot. Now I can’t turn over. Asshole.”
I couldn’t help laughing at the pair of them. They were adorable together, playful, and I could feel the affection flowing between them. They were a perfect pair. And an unlikely one at that. I never would’ve guessed Rowan would end up with a guy . But James was just right for him. It made me happy to see them smiling.
Now if only I could find something similar.
“So,” James said, after he’d sat up in the chair and grabbed a towel to wrap around his waist. “What’s the plan?”
I shrugged. “I guess I could give it a try. If you both think it’s a good idea, there’s probably some merit to it. I’m too close to the situation to really know at this point.”
“Do you need a wingman? Do we need to go barhopping?”
“There are gay guys in this town?”
James laughed. “Yeah. Most of them are still in the closet too. But it’s tourist season, and that means there’s lots of guys around looking for nothing serious. Could be a good way to practice and get some self-care at the same time. Gotta keep that engine running!”
“You want me to go out and fuck rando tourists?”
“Emotionally and physically, yes.”
I turned to Rowan. “You approve of this idea?”
He shrugged. “Sure! Why not? We’re not getting any younger, right? Might as well have fun.” He gave me a nudge. “Besides, you’re too cute to be holed up in that cabin. And I know that sex swing hasn’t been used in a while.”
I felt my cheeks burning with embarrassment, but I tried not to let it show. I’d had a crush on Rowan for years so having him call me cute was a little bit of a thrill. But he wasn’t the one I was looking for. In fact, the moment James offered up this wild idea of his, there was only one guy I could think of.
Mateo.
“I… I think I might give it a shot,” I said at last. “You’re right. I need to practice being more open. I just hope this doesn’t lead to more hurt feelings. I’m tired of feeling hurt.”
“We’re here to support you,” Rowan nodded, placing a hand on my shoulder and giving it a squeeze. “Anything you need.”
“Agreed,” James added. “Even if that means ice cream at midnight and crying until dawn.”
My chest swelled with affection for the pair of them and a smile spread over my face. “Thanks guys. That means a lot.”
“Anytime.”
“So,” James said, sitting up with the towel still draped over his waist. “Top or bottom?”
I lifted an eyebrow. “Top, I guess? Both are fine though I just don’t usually–”
“You don’t usually trust people enough to let them top you,” he finished for me. “Does that sound correct?”
I hated that he was right. “Yeah,” I sighed. “It does.”
“I’ll start working on a list of guys we can try.” The look of determination on his face was surprising and a little worrying. “I’ve got a few exes myself that you might like.”
“Let’s not jump the gun here,” I laughed, holding my hands up. “Give me a couple days to warm up to the idea first.”
“Fine. Two days. Then you date.”
I glanced at Rowan. “Is he always this determined?”
He nodded. “You have no idea.”