Chapter Eighteen Mateo
W e were sitting on the beach, a blanket big enough to cocoon us both wrapped around our shoulders. Adam sat in front of me, his head against my chest. My arms were around his shoulders, holding the blanket over us both to keep out the cool night air. Tiny waves lapped at the shore and the entire world was overcome with a still peace that seemed to sink into everything it touched.
I wasn’t sure why Adam wanted to go down to the beach after we’d fucked for the second time, but I was only too happy to oblige. He’d been pretty quiet after the experience, but every time he spoke, I could hear the smile on his face and the lightness in his voice. I felt a surge of pride knowing that I was the one that did that for him. He hadn’t been this relaxed since I’d met him. And now he was sighing in contentment every couple of minutes. It was adorable.
For a while I was happy just to be near him and enjoy the quiet. It had been a long time since I’d felt this sort of peace. Actually, now that I thought about it, I wasn’t sure I’d ever felt like that before. There had been plenty of peaceful moments in my life, sure. But this kind of quiet joy that sank down into your very bones? That was new.
But why did I feel that way? It wasn’t the sex, I’d done that before. I supposed it might be because I hadn’t had sex in so long, but that didn’t seem right either. Every time I thought about it, all I came back to was the warmth of Adam’s skin, the citrus smell of his hair, and the heart rhythmically beating in his chest. Those simple things made me happy in a way I didn’t understand.
Well, maybe I did understand them. But I wasn’t willing to admit what that feeling might be just yet. I couldn’t admit them anyway. Not when I knew Adam didn’t think about me in that way. What we had was temporary, regardless of the feelings it evoked.
So, I might as well enjoy it while I could.
I wrapped my arms tighter around Adam’s chest, pulling him against me with a squeeze.
“Doing okay?”
“Yeah,” he sighed, a smile still in his voice. “Just thinking.”
“About what?”
Another sigh. “About what I’m gonna do with my life.” The smile faded from his voice. “You know, when all this is finally over.”
Those words made my heart hurt in a way that should have been illegal.
“Well,” I replied, trying to sound more cheerful than I suddenly felt. “What do you want to do with your life?”
He scoffed. “That’s like asking a high schooler what they want to be when they grow up. There’s too many options and not enough information.”
“Well, what makes you happy?”
Adam turned his head to look at me. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“Ouch.”
“What?”
“That… was probably one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard.”
“What do you mean?” He seemed suddenly irritated. “Living a life and making money have nothing to do with being happy. Believe me, I worked in HR. There’s no such thing as a happy employee. Just delusional ones.”
“So don’t go work anywhere.”
“What would I do then? The cabin doesn’t have a mortgage, but my savings won’t last forever.” He sighed, turning back to the water. “And I don’t want to go back to HR or the finance world. I can’t stand walking through the building every day and seeing all their fake smiles covering up the fact that they had to talk themselves down off a ledge over the weekend.”
“Jesus.”
“Sorry,” Adam muttered, pulling his knees to his chest and leaning away from me. “I just… I hate that place.”
I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him back against me. “Well, you don’t have to go back, okay? You can do anything you want. The world is your oyster.”
“What else am I qualified for? I’ve held the same job since college.”
“You could start an Only Fans account,” I grinned.
The sound of his lips parting into a bemused smile was priceless.
“I couldn’t do that,” he laughed, shaking his head.
“Why not? You’re a damn good bottom. And you’re gorgeous. I think people would pay good money to see you perform.”
I could feel his skin flush with heat, but he didn’t reply. He was looking for some real advice.
“Why don’t you write a book for something?”
“What?” he laughed. “Why would I do that?”
“You have a talent for words,” I replied, not letting him pull away again. “The way you described the sunset to me tonight was incredible. I could really see it in all its glory.”
“I don’t know about that…”
“You have a gift,” I said, this time more forcefully. “Believe me. I’m a literature professor. My entire life is words. I know a good set of them when I hear it.”
He was quiet for a long moment. “Well… even if I did and I’ m not saying I would… what would I write about?”
“Anything,” I smiled, kissing the back of his neck. “Write about epic battles with dragons. Write about thrilling murder mysteries where the bad guy always seems to get away at the last minute. Write an American classic that will sit forever in the annals of time.” I paused, giving him a squeeze. “Or write about love. The world needs more stories about people like us.”
His breath caught and his body tensed. “People l-like us?” he stammered.
“About gay men.”
The tension melted out of him. “Oh.”
I felt like I’d said something wrong. “Romance books sell well from what I’ve heard. People read them so fast they barely have time to eat or sleep. I know I’ve gotten sucked into a few of them myself.”
“Yeah. Maybe.” He let out a long sigh, shaking his head. “But what do I know about love? I don’t know if I’ve ever truly even been in love. I think I’ve been close before, but obviously none of it lasted. How do you write about something you’ve never experienced?”
“You just write what your heart tells you,” I said, placing my hand over his heart. “It knows what love looks, feels, and tastes like. And I know you have a lot of love in your heart to express. I can see it growing more and more every time I see you. You’re coming out of your shell, and it really shows, Adam.”
“You think so?” His tone was hopeful. “Am I actually getting better?”
“Adam. There was nothing wrong with you to begin with,” I said, placing my chin on his shoulder as I held him tight. “You were hurt and scared, that doesn’t make you broken. It just means you need a little bit of extra care, that’s all. And anyone not willing to give you that extra care doesn’t deserve you. You’re too smart, too caring, and too beautiful to put up with anything less than perfection. You deserve the world.”
And I wished I could give it to him.
“Thanks, Mateo,” he said at last, patting my arm. “It’s nice of you to say.”
He moved my arms aside, pulling himself to his feet. I heard him take a few steps and a hiss of air through his teeth as his toes slipped into the cold water. I stared up at him, wondering what was on his mind.
“Will… Will you…” Adam began.
A whisper passed his lips, but the rest was too quiet for me to hear. His words were lost on the night breeze and I had to stop myself from asking him to repeat himself. Whatever he’d said, it was just between him and the universe, a private moment I had no business to barge in on. That was easy enough to tell.
Whole minutes passed and eventually I pulled myself to my feet as well, shaking off the sand from myself and the blanket. It was getting cold, and Adam had to be freezing standing in the water like that.
“Come on,” I said. “Let’s go back inside and warm up.”
“Mateo?”
“Yeah?”
“Will… Will you stay the night with me?”
I smiled wide. “Nothing would make me happier.”
“Even though none of this is real and we’re just friends?”
His words cut me like a knife. But I swallowed the pain and nodded anyway.
“Yes. Even… Even though we’re just… friends.”