Chapter 26
CHAPTER 26
“Oh, fuck, Tiff,” Dylan said to her best friend, because she had to tell someone. She was afraid of falling to pieces if she didn’t. “Promise me that this will stay between us. Neither Connor, nor Joe can ever find out about this.” Tiffany was Dylan’s ex-sister-in-law but still very current confidante. She was the only person in the world that Dylan had confided in about her bad investment and, in case of an emergency, her stay in Big Bear instead of Europe. Even though Tiffany was Connor’s aunt, Dylan trusted that her secret was safe with her. Tiffany had kept many secrets for her over the decades they’d known each other, and vice versa.
“I wish I’d known you were going to tell me secrets. I would have made the tea stronger.” Tiffany was a recovering alcoholic who was twenty-five years sober.
“Connor sent Raffo to Big Bear because her girlfriend broke up with her and she couldn’t paint anymore and she just needed a break from everything,” Dylan blurted out.
“And Connor didn’t know you were there,” Tiff said.
“No, so Raffo arrives.” Dylan skipped the part where Raffo walked in on her sleeping topless. “Expecting to find the house empty, except it’s not. I’m in hiding. And I have to convince her not to tell Con, who she’s incredibly close to, but… that’s not what I want to tell you.” Dylan wished she had something stronger than tea, although she also knew—from Tiffany—that booze was rarely the answer to anything. She took a deep breath, realizing there was no way she could say this without sounding ridiculous and like a horrible almost-sixty-year-old cliché. “I fell in love with her,” Dylan whispered. “I fell in love with Raffo.” Her voice became more powerful as she repeated it. “She is one of the most amazing people I’ve ever spent time with.”
“I’m sorry, but… what?” Tiffany’s brow was a nest of wrinkles. “You fell in love with Raffo Shah? Connor’s friend and protégée?”
How Raffo would balk at being called Connor’s protégée, but that wasn’t the point here.
“I know how it sounds. I know it’s absurd. But it’s also the truth.” Dylan, who had missed her son so much, could barely bring herself to call him for fear she would crack and tell him. Or, even worse, that he would mention Raffo and Dylan would burst into tears. “I’m so in love with her and we’re meant to have distance between us, and LA might be big, but we’re in the same city, and she’s living with Connor at the moment, and it’s driving me completely insane.”
“Back up a little, please. What happened? You say you’re in love with her, but… does she know? Does she have feelings for you? Did you… I don’t know. Tell me.”
“We were both in Big Bear nursing our wounds and we spent a lot of time together. We talked a lot. Shared a lot. And then one night, it just happened. We slept together. And then it proved impossible to stop, even though we tried. The only way to stop was to leave Big Bear and come home, which we did. That was a week ago and I’ve been losing my mind ever since.”
“You haven’t been in touch since you left Big Bear?” Tiffany wasn’t one to judge.
Dylan shook her head.
“Did you tell her how you feel about her?”
“Yes and no. I might have alluded to it being more than sex for me, but we never expanded on that. And I didn’t want to make a big love declaration before leaving, before jumping back into our real lives. That hardly seemed fair. And also because it doesn’t matter. It’s not like we can ever be together.”
“Because of Connor.” Tiffany nodded her understanding.
“Yes, most of all, but also because she’s only thirty-two and she just came out of a long-term relationship that ended badly and… there are so many reasons, but mainly Connor, of course. Yes.” As long as Dylan could focus on her son, and the effect her ridiculous feelings for his best friend would have on him, she could keep it somewhat together.
“I’m sorry, Dyl. I’m sorry you feel that way about someone you can’t be with.” Dylan had known Tiffany would never try to talk her into giving into her feelings—because she didn’t believe in love-at-all-cost like that and because she was Connor’s aunt.
“I’ll get over it.” Dylan gazed into her tea. “I just wish I was over it already.” Dylan couldn’t believe she’d been the one claiming it wouldn’t be as hard as they thought it was going to be—it was so much harder.
“Do you wish Raffo had never shown up at Big Bear?”
“No way. I wouldn’t have missed that for the world.”
“What’s so special about her, anyway?” Tiffany asked.
What’s not? “She’s been through so much in her life yet she carries herself with such grace and…” There were things Dylan couldn’t share, even with her best friend. “She’s so crazily talented. I watched her paint. It was like watching pure magic unfold, no tricks needed.” The first piece Raffo had painted for Dylan stood in her bedroom for now, although Dylan knew she’d have to put it somewhere else so as not to be constantly reminded of Raffo. It was just like their clandestine affair. She wanted to keep it and cherish it so badly, but she couldn’t because of the possible consequences. “But mostly, she’s just such a joy to be around. She’s so calm and down-to-earth and serene and…” Dylan let her eyes fall shut. Instantly, on the back of her eyelids, an image of Raffo in one of the Adirondack chairs by the lake materialized. Her still face. The way her dark gaze would light up when Dylan approached. Dylan quickly opened her eyes again. “I don’t know how to get over someone like that.”
Tiff regarded her intently. “You didn’t feel worthy of her?” She had a knack for cutting to the chase.
“No, because I felt like such a fuck-up when I arrived in Big Bear. Such a loser. And I was a mother lying to her son. But Raffo, she… she liked me, just for me.” And maybe for my breasts and my legs. “But, in the end, I have to be realistic about that as well. She was so hurt. Her break-up really devastated her. I’m smart enough to know that I was also a distraction for her—from her heartache. But, um, the sex… My god, Tiff.”
“That good, huh?” Tiffany sipped from her tea stoically. She reminded Dylan of Raffo—or maybe it had been the other way around. They both had a calmness about them that Dylan enjoyed. Tiffany was the opposite of a dramatic person—maybe because, like Raffo, she’d been through a thing or two in her life as well.
“Out of this world.” Dylan used up so much precious energy trying not to think of Raffo in bed, of how she looked when she surrendered but, most of all, of how she looked when she did the opposite of surrender. It sent a shiver down her spine every single time.
“I wish I could give you some sage advice, but I don’t think I have any,” Tiff admitted. “The only thing you can do is live your life and let time go by. Many hearts have been healed like that.”
“I have a lot to do in that respect,” Dylan said on a sigh. “To sort out my life.”
“On the bright side,” Tiffany said. “You’re on the cusp of sixty. You know this will pass. You’re not a teenager unable to control your hormones. You have experience and the kind of wisdom that can only come with age. Use it to your advantage.”
Dylan didn’t feel wise or that life experience could help her get over Raffo more quickly. She just missed her every second of every day.
“Thanks, Tiff.”
“And you have me,” Tiffany said. “Whenever you feel like you might do something… unwise. Call me. Come and see me. We’ll talk it through.”
If only it were that easy, Dylan thought, even though she had no choice but to do just that.