Chapter 30
Meeko might have had a career as an ambulanceman. He was calm and kind and took charge as Fiona started to tremble now the immediate danger was over. In the hospital he sat with her in a corridor while Adele and the baby were checked over. He fetched her tea heavily laced with sugar to disguise the metallic machine taste and to soothe her constant trembling and little sobs. Only when she had drained two paper cups of the stuff did the shaking stop.
“Feeling better?” Meeko asked. “That was quite an experience.”
Fiona took some breaths and nodded. “Especially for Adele. She was so brave. It happened so quickly.”
They sat in silence. Waiting. Fiona tried calling Joe again and left another voice message. She watched the midnight minute tick over into the next day. “Happy Christmas, Meeko.” She turned her face towards his and wondered what it would be like to be kissed properly by those lips.
“Happy Christmas, Fiona.” He moved in his seat and she thought he was going to hug her like he’d often done before; a hug that was platonic on his part but which generated glorious, unrequited tingles within her.
He didn’t hug her. Something unknown divided them, like a gauze curtain.
They were invited in to see a freshly cleaned-up mother and baby. Fiona was glad she’d had the foresight to grab Adele’s ready-packed hospital bag as they went out to Meeko’s car. The girl looked tired and dazed, but happy. She was attempting to latch the baby onto her breast with little success.
“Try again in a while, I think baby’s just as tired as you are.” The midwife turned to Meeko and Fiona. “Well done, Granny and Granddad!” The nurse beamed at them. “You did a good job with the home birth.”
“We’re not relations,” Fiona said immediately.
“Oh!” The midwife glanced questioningly at Adele, as though asking whether she wanted them to be there. Adele nodded. “I’ll leave you to it then.”
Meeko tactfully kept his eyes averted from Adele’s first attempts at feeding the baby until Fiona indicated that she was covered up and decent again. Then he disinfected his hands from the gel dispenser and went immediately to the side of the bed and stroked the downy, baby head. “She is gorgeous, Adele. You should be so proud.”
Fiona’s feet wouldn’t carry her the few steps from the door to the baby. She felt shaky all over again. This time it wasn’t the responsibility of managing the birth. It was a head full of regrets, of what might have been and what should have been.
“Fiona.” Adele appeared to be offering the baby up to her. “Come and see what you helped bring into the world.”
“You did all the work. I was a bystander.”
“You were essential backstage crew and you stopped me going beyond panic and pain into a zone that might have harmed Natalie.”
“What a lovely name.” Meeko was besotted with the little mite. He glanced over at Fiona. “This is the closest I’ve ever been to a birth and a newborn baby. My nephews and nieces were all a few days old before I met them. Come and have a look. She’s magical.”
Fiona forced her legs to move. “It’s the first time for me too.”
The baby’s eyes were closed and she looked like the most fragile thing in the world. But the tiny mite was also relaxed; baby Natalie had complete confidence that she would be kept safe. The infant hadn’t yet closed off any part of herself to other people. She was open to being loved. Fiona was envious of her innocence.
Breaking down her self-built barriers against the love offered by others was tough. Barriers built because she believed a second betrayal would tip her into a bottomless abyss. This had even applied to her parents because they were almost guaranteed to abandon her through death. That was how she’d been able to function immediately after her dad’s passing, propping Dorothea up through the funeral arrangements, admin and aftermath.
But the doors to some of those compartments were slipping ajar. The subsequent light was surprisingly pleasant, warm even. The baby shower hadn’t been easy but it had left her glowing. Picking up with Rob had been scary but ultimately had left her feeling good. It had been painful to discover the extent of her mother’s loneliness, caused in part by Fiona’s control over their relationship. But now she could open that door wider too and do something about it. Fiona would never be as laid-back and open as baby Natalie, but she was making progress towards feeling pleasant warmth again. There was still a long way to go: she had to open up to Joe about the divorce and about Amber; there was the mystery of Meeko’s coolness to solve, and much else, as yet unrecognised, to do before all those compartment doors were propped open on a permanent basis. But it seemed achievable.
“Do you want to hold her?” Adele asked.
“No, I might drop her or hurt her or squeeze her too tightly.”
Meeko was frowning, a mixture of puzzlement and concern on his face. “You did none of those things when she was slippery and not breathing. You brought her to life. She’s much easier to handle now she’s bathed and dressed.”
Adele was offering her the tiny mite.
Fiona’s legs began to shake. “Let me sit down first.” She sat in the black plastic-covered armchair at the side of the bed and Meeko passed Natalie over as though she was a parcel in a party game. Fiona’s arms shook as she cradled the beautiful creature. She tried to be in the moment and focus on Adele’s baby but, despite her positivity of a few moments ago, her mind kept turning tail and racing back through the years. She saw plainly the wrong decisions and roads not taken. She’d thought she was happy. She’d felt sorry for and superior to her colleagues who were trying to juggle stressful jobs, the needs of children, and often, to cap it all, the deterioration of the very relationships that had put them into that position in the first place. Now that compartments were creaking open, she recognised how wrong she’d been and how they’d probably been the ones feeling sorry for the emptiness and sterility of her life. She thought she’d had a life well lived and well directed, in which she’d achieved exactly what she wanted, when she wanted it. She’d kept all elements neat and tidy, but maybe things had to get messy in order to produce rewards that were worth having. She thought of the mess of blood, mucus and fluid in her bathroom, and the new life that had emerged there, and she started to cry.
“Hey.” Meeko bent over and whispered gently in her ear. “I hope those are tears of happiness on Adele’s part because it’s not the done thing to rain on someone else’s parade.”
“Natalie is absolutely gorgeous, Adele.” Fiona kissed the baby’s velvety forehead. “But I think at this early stage in her life she needs to be with her mum.”
There was a brief knock at the door and the midwife returned. “There’s another man arrived, Adele. He says he’s your father?”
“Dad! Yes, I want to see him.”
This was the excuse Fiona needed. “We’ll disappear. The last thing you need is a Piccadilly Circus in here.” The nurse held the door open for them.
Outside Fiona zipped her thin jacket against the cold night air and realised in the mad rush to leave the house that she’d brought only her phone and door key, no handbag and no money. Meeko drove her home without being asked. Whatever the issue between them, his generosity hadn’t changed.
“Thanks,” she said when he stopped outside the house. The journey had been mostly in silence. Despite the momentous evening, Meeko seemed not to want to talk. Something still wasn’t quite right between them.
“Are you going to be OK?” he asked as she undid her seat belt. “You got quite emotional over Natalie.”
“I’ll be fine.” She couldn’t look at him in case tears leaked out again. “She just reminded me of another time and another place.” She was on the verge of flinging open the compartment door and telling him everything, but something about the coolness between them was warning her off. She took his hand from where it rested on the gear lever and squeezed it. “Thanks for everything you’ve done tonight. Without you, the end result could’ve been completely different.” He gave a small smile but didn’t return the pressure on her hand. He merely stared pointedly at the passenger door handle. “Don’t forget Christmas lunch tomorrow, or should I say today?”
“I appreciate the offer, but I think it’s better I don’t come.”
“Why?” Something was more wrong than she’d thought.
“You’ve got a lot on your plate, and . . .” He was glancing in the rear-view mirror now as though he was impatient for her to be out of the car and on her way.
“It’s no trouble, honestly. Sleep on it and decide in the morning.”
There was a non-committal shrug from Meeko but no words. Fiona went into the house. She was sure he’d show up — he never turned down free food. After they’d eaten, she’d find a way for them to be on their own. They both had things they needed to get off their chests.
She climbed into bed without brushing her teeth in order to avoid the bathroom. She’d stepped onto an emotional rollercoaster and couldn’t get off. Beneath her eyelids scenes from the last six hours played on a continual loop: again and again she plummeted downwards when no taxi or ambulance was available and Adele was increasingly distressed, and then there was the slow rise of hope when Meeko turned up, and the highest plateau reached when mother and baby were both safe and well. And then downwards again as she realised that her suspicions at the baby shower were correct and there was an issue between her and Meeko. Something big that he wasn’t going to share with her. Not knowing what had caused the problem between them put her out of control. There was no chance of sleep, despite the red digits of the alarm clock telling her it was 3.30 a.m.
Fiona got up, put on her oldest clothes and started the gargantuan task of cleaning up.