Chapter 33
It was 29 December before mother and baby were given a clean bill of health to come home. Joe was beside himself with excitement and Fiona tried but failed to elevate herself to his level of anticipation. She was growing fond of Adele — there was a lot of herself in the girl, in particular the way Adele was adamant there was no place in her or Natalie’s life for the baby’s father. It reminded Fiona of the way she had dropped Rob and become totally self-reliant. Women learn from the adversity that men inflict upon them. They learn that you should trust no one but yourself.
During their daily visits to the hospital, she had come to tolerate short periods of holding Natalie without tears falling. And she was loving the newly animated version of Dorothea — rejuvenated by her new relatives-by-proxy. But all of this was tempered by the realities to come when Adele and Natalie were in her space twenty-four hours a day.
It would be goodbye to the privacy she and Joe had just enjoyed, from their emotional lovemaking on Christmas morning to both of them being able to walk around the house only half-dressed, to Joe not constantly criticising his daughter’s behaviour, to not having to think about Adele’s preference for convenience foods. All of those freedoms would be replaced by a house full of new baby chaos. She’d visited friends with babies and their domestic life went out of control: mess, toys, and everything focused around that one tiny being. It was probably acceptable when that tiny being was your own flesh and blood, but when it was an uninvited guest, was it possible to put up with it?
She and Joe had spent the previous day reorganising Adele’s room to accommodate the newly purchased cot in one corner and a changing unit with storage cupboard underneath in the other. The steam steriliser was left boxed in the garage — with luck Adele would breastfeed for a while, meaning it might be a few months before this would have to come out and clutter up the kitchen counter. And she might have moved out by then.
“Do you think we’ve missed anything? Are there enough packs of nappies? Are you sure we don’t need one of those baby gym toys?” The new grandfather was like a cat on a hot tin roof.
“It will be fine. More nappies can be bought at the drop of a hat, and Adele might like a hand in choosing things herself.” Fiona remembered the girl’s independent streak.
“Perhaps we should have a Welcome Home party this evening and invite Dan? Since he went to see her, he’s been posting ‘proud uncle’ photos all over social media.”
“No party today. Let Adele settle and Dan can pop round soon.”
Joe had followed the instructions for fitting the car seat. He had got Fiona to double-check it and then he had again compared its positioning and fastening with the illustrations in the leaflet. Fiona refused when he asked her to give it a fourth look-over. “We are both intelligent people. You followed the instructions and we’ve checked it. Off you go and do the honours.”
“Will you come with me?”
“Why? This is a once-in-a-lifetime family thing — Adele won’t want me there cluttering up the scene.” It will be emotional and I don’t want to have to fight tears of regret that bringing a baby home from hospital was something I deliberately turned my back on forever.
“It feels like it needs a woman’s touch. And, well, Rose . . . she’s not here . . . so . . . I don’t know anything about babies.”
You know more than me — you’ve been involved in bringing up two of them, and I am not and never will be a Rose replacement, in either Adele’s life or yours. “OK.” Joe was acting like a small child who needed his hand holding, and she eventually agreed to go with him for Adele’s sake rather than his. “We need to go now or Adele will worry that we’ve abandoned her.”
* * *
Adele was sitting in the small lobby of the ward when they arrived, Natalie in her arms and her overnight bag at her feet. “You’re late and they needed the bed for somebody else. I didn’t know whether to call a taxi or not.” There were dark circles under the girl’s eyes and a frown across her forehead.
Joe bent and kissed the cranky young mother and the peaceful baby. “I’m sorry, love, but I wanted to make sure that the baby seat was properly fitted in the car.”
Adele looked puzzled. “Where is it?”
“What?”
“Where’s the car seat, Dad?”
“In the car.”
The point of this question-and-answer session hit home quicker for Fiona than Joe as a young couple walked towards them. The man was holding the car seat by the handle. The baby was fastened securely in place.
“That—” Adele pointed at the seat as it swung gently in the man’s grip — “is how they are used.”
It took a few moments for Joe to grasp the meaning of his daughter’s comment. “Are you telling me that we carry Natalie around in the seat and then for every journey we have to fit and refit it in the car?”
“Yes, exactly that, Dad.”
“I can’t go through the stress of doing it wrong on every journey.”
“It can’t be rocket science, Dad. Thousands of people of ordinary intelligence do it every single day.”
The argument was not auguring well for them playing happy families at home, but it had swept away any emotion that Fiona had feared might overcome her.
“Are you able to carry Natalie to the car in your arms, Adele? I’ll carry your bag.” Fiona broke the antagonism between father and daughter. “With a little time, your dad will get used to everything. It’s brand new to all of us at the moment.”
Adele harrumphed but acquiesced.
At home Fiona made Joe leave Adele to her own devices with Natalie upstairs. “Let her settle them both in. She is in charge of Natalie, not us.”
“But while I’ve got time off work I could help.”
“We’ll help when we’re asked, but she’s got to grow her own confidence.”
“You are so wise.” Joe kissed her on the cheek. “You are just as good as Rose would have been at all this, and you’re not even related to Adele, and you’ve never had children. Unless you’ve got a closet full that you’ve never told me about?”
That statement is hurtful to me in so many ways. But I’ll let you off because you know not what you say. But I will only be able to let comparisons to Rose go so far and then I will have to put my foot down.
Fiona cooked the evening meal and Joe watched football on TV, but every few minutes she heard him walk to the foot of the stairs and listen. Adele came downstairs alone when the food was ready. All remained calm and silent as the three of them started to eat the shepherd’s pie, carrots and broccoli. Adele devoured it with gusto and made no reference to when they might have pizza or a takeaway.
“Fiona’s food is better than what they gave you in hospital then?” Joe said.
Fiona frowned. He had to treat his daughter like an adult otherwise this whole arrangement would go to pot. Adele merely shrugged. She’d placed the baby monitor in the middle of the table and kept glancing at it. They’d nearly finished the main course when the first cries came simultaneously through the baby monitor and the open door into the hallway. Adele looked at her watch. “It’s only two hours since I fed and changed her.”
“Babies need a lot of looking after.”
Well done on stating both the obvious and the unnecessary, Joe. “I can put your plate in the oven and hold the pudding back, if you like? Or shall I check on her while you finish?”
“No, I should go. She’ll want her mum.” Adele disappeared, leaving her fork fully loaded with the next mouthful. Fiona put the plate in the still-warm oven.
Fiona and Joe ate their bananas and yoghurt to the backdrop of Adele’s one-sided conversation with her daughter sounding through the monitor. The attempted feed wasn’t successful and Adele’s voice changed from gentle cooing to tighter pleas for Natalie to go to sleep. There were several deep silences followed by squawks. Fiona assumed these were failed attempts to get Natalie to remain calm once she was out of her mother’s arms and in the cot. Joe was glancing edgily from Fiona to the stairs and back.
“I’ll go see how she’s doing, shall I?” Relief washed over his face as she took his unspoken hint.
Upstairs there were tears on Adele’s cheeks. “I should know what to do. Maternal instinct should tell me what she wants. But I don’t know. She isn’t even a week old and I’ve failed as her mother.”
“You haven’t failed and you won’t fail.” Fiona spoke firmly, even though she felt as much at sea as Adele looked — and just as emotional. Adele was bowed down by brand-new parental responsibility, society’s expectations and the feeling that, because giving birth was a natural process, looking after the newborn should come automatically too.
“I am a failure.” The anguish of Adele’s voice made Fiona realise she was being selfish by not taking the lead when the young woman was obviously mentally and physically exhausted.
“Let me take her.” Fiona held out her arms, not wanting to take Natalie because of the emotion that handling the tiny infant generated, but knowing it was the only fair and reasonable thing to do. “You can finish your dinner and Natalie and I will sit at the table with you so that she can see you.” Did babies recognise their mothers by sight at this age? It didn’t matter, she was saying this for Fiona’s benefit only. “And later you can try feeding and changing her again.”
The dirty dishes were still on the table and Joe was on the settee scrolling through his phone. Fiona felt a bud of tension elongate and run across her shoulders. “Joe, please could you get Adele’s dinner from the oven and chop her a banana for pudding?” She glanced over at the wan girl taking her seat at the table. “And add a good splodge of golden syrup to the banana — energy is needed here.”
Adele gave her a grateful grin and Joe sighed exaggeratedly before moving his stockinged feet from settee to floor and going into the kitchen. Natalie remained calm in Fiona’s arms while Adele ate. The baby stared up into Fiona’s face, her clear blue eyes wide open in wonder. Fiona felt herself beaming back at the tiny bundle but also blinking hard to hold back her emotion. In another life she might have been holding her actual, related granddaughter. “Joe, would you like to hold her? She’s lovely and alert.”
Joe put down his phone and looked over Fiona’s shoulder. At the same time Natalie’s fists curled into tiny balls, her feet started to kick and the cries came loud and strong. Fiona thought about how much she’d willed this baby to cry after she was born; now she equally strongly wanted her to remain silent to give her mother a chance to eat and recuperate.
“That’s your fault, Dad.” Adele was spooning yoghurt, banana and golden syrup into her mouth as quickly as she could. “She was fine until she saw you. Maybe she doesn’t like men. You best stay away.”
There was hurt in Joe’s expression as he put his hands up in surrender. Fiona remained silent. She wasn’t going to mediate. It was up to Joe to sort that relationship. Adele took Natalie back upstairs to feed her. When she hadn’t reappeared an hour later Fiona went upstairs to check. The baby was asleep on her back in the cot and Adele was fast asleep, fully clothed on the top of her bed. When Joe switched on the TV again, she made him keep the volume low to avoid disturbing them.