Chapter 27
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
B ean was thankful Gavin didn’t protest when she insisted on driving him home. Taking his SUV, their short drive was mostly silent, her mind whirling and consumed by what could have gone wrong. She knew she was needlessly torturing herself, because Gavin was fine. He was seated beside her. But still, she couldn’t stop her mind from agonizing over every what-if scenario. He’d changed into a Hudson Security polo before they left the office, but the images of his torn and bloody shirt lingered in her mind.
This night could have ended so differently.
Bean glanced over at Gavin in the passenger seat. The dark circles under his tired eyes were emphasized by the moonlight.
He murmured something, but his voice was so low that she wasn’t quite sure she’d heard him. “Sorry, what was that?” she asked.
“Stay with me tonight?”
That’s what she’d thought he’d said. Bringing her attention back to the road, she turned into his driveway before peeking at him again. There was something in his softly spoken words that tugged at her heart. She couldn’t— wouldn’t —say no to him. Not tonight. “Of course.”
As she pulled up to his garage, he pressed a button on his rearview mirror to open the door. She pulled in, cut the engine, and hurried over to the passenger side.
“I got it, honey,” he murmured as he eased out of his seat.
“Don’t argue with me,” she said, wrapping an arm around his waist.
After unlocking the door, she hurried to the security panel and disengaged the alarm. When she turned, he stood before her. Silent.
Her breath quickened as she took him in. His jaw was clenched, and there was tension in his body, as if he were holding himself back somehow. A glance at his gray eyes showed his pupils were blown. A low rumble emanated from his chest.
She wasn’t sure who moved first, but on her next breath, her back was pressed against the wall, and his body covered every inch of hers. His mouth devoured hers while his hands yanked her jacket off. She frantically tried to undo the buttons of her blouse, but her trembling hands weren’t cooperating.
He pulled slightly away, his chest heaving, and tore the panels of her blouse apart. Buttons went flying, clinking onto the hardwood floors, but she didn’t care. She needed this man. Desperately.
Needing to feel his hot skin against her, she grabbed the bottom of his shirt and pushed the fabric up. She ran her hands up his muscled torso, and her hand grazed the bandage on his shoulder. She froze, gasping.
“Gavin, we can’t. Your arm.”
“Fuck my arm.” His mouth crashed against hers, and her mind went blank.
Until her hand ran over the bandage again .
She pulled away and met his gaze. Need and desire stared back at her. As much as she wanted him, she had to be sure.
“Gavin,” she whispered, placing her hands on either side of his jaw. “Are you sure you’re okay? I don’t want you getting more hurt.”
A look of tenderness crossed his face. “Yes, baby. I promise I’m okay.” This time, his kiss was slow and delicate. His tongue traced the seam of her lips and she immediately opened, allowing him in. Their tongues tangled, and within seconds, their kiss grew frantic. He growled and hoisted her up.
“Wait. Your shoulder.”
“Still don’t care,” he muttered, his mouth seeking her neck. “Wrap your legs around me.”
She didn’t hesitate to comply, groaning at the feel of his hardness rubbing against the apex of her thighs. “I need you.” Desperation clawed at her. She needed to feel him, needed him to fill her, needed to know he truly was okay.
“I wanted to take my time with you,” he murmured. “For our first time, I wanted to explore every inch of you. But, baby, I don’t think I can wait.”
“Don’t wait.” Hell no. She fused her mouth to his, sucking on his tongue the way she wanted to suck on his cock. But not now. Later. “Hard and fast. I want to feel you deep inside me.”
“Holy fuck, B,” he groaned, grinding against her. Then he stilled. “Hold on, I need to get a condom.”
The way his hard cock was rubbing against her had her so close. So. Damn. Close. “I’m on the pill. Please, Gavin. Take me. I need to feel all of you.”
He laid her onto the couch. Before she could sit up, he’d shoved her skirt up to her waist and yanked off her panties.
“Yes, ma’am,” he said, his voice like gravel. “Baby, I can fucking see how much you want me. ”
She should have been embarrassed, but she didn’t have time. He dropped to his knees, and his mouth was on her pussy, his tongue licking, thrusting, exploring. She nearly shot off the couch, but his arm pinned her down. Explosions rocketed within her, and tension built in her body. “You taste so damn good. I can’t get enough of you.”
He thrust two fingers deep inside her and flicked his tongue violently over her clit. She exploded. Detonated. Her thighs clamped tightly around his head and her body shook.
He sat up, his expression feral. “Now I want you to come all over my cock.”
Her lips lifted in a smirk. “Bossy.”
“Oh, baby. You haven’t seen anything yet.” He ran his hands from her ankles, up her calves, and over her thighs. Skimming them up her sides, he squeezed her breasts before pulling her up into a seated position. “So damn beautiful,” he said against her lips before kissing her deeply. He pulled away with a growl. “On your knees, B. Hands on the back of the couch. I’m gonna fuck you hard and fast. Just like you want.”
Her pussy clenched with need, arousal flooding through her. Yes, please.
She moved to her knees, and he stripped her of her skirt while she gripped the back frame of the couch. Leaning forward, she tilted her hips back. His hand caressed the globes of her ass, squeezing, making her even wetter.
“Look at you, baby.” Gavin’s voice was pure sin. He ran his cock up and down her slit, and she moaned and tilted her hips even more, desperate for him to fill her. “That’s it, show me your pussy.”
“Please, Gavin,” she begged, not caring how desperate she sounded.
They both groaned as he pushed inside her and filled her in one long thrust. Her insides quaked. Full. She’d never been this damn full.
“You feel so fucking good,” he muttered.
She rocked her hips, needing him to move. “More. Please. Fuck me.”
With a growl, he pulled his hips slowly back. The slide of every delicious inch of him set her nerves on fire. Then he surged back into her over and over again at a breakneck pace. His hips slammed against her ass, his balls slapping against her clit. She cried out and held on, taking each and every one of his hard thrusts.
“Yes, yes, yes!” Tension built within her, and she ached for release.
Then he pulled out. Before she could protest, she was flat on her back.
“Need to see you when you come, baby. Need to see your face when you take me.”
The wild look in his eyes had her smiling, had her spreading her legs wide for him.
“You’re so fucking beautiful,” he said before claiming her mouth. Pulling away, he loomed over her. His right arm was propped on the couch by her head, supporting him. He hooked her leg in the crook of his left elbow and grabbed the back of the couch, opening her up even more.
She gasped as he thrust inside her. Every rock of his hips shot her right back to the edge. Seeing his muscles bunch as he took her—the clench of his abs, the flex of his arms—was the hottest thing she’d ever seen. He pounded into her, his eyes glued to where they were joined. “You take me so good,” he muttered. “Fucking made for me, B.”
Then his hips thrust even harder. He continued to pound into her, made her feel every inch of his thick cock. Her body shook, and she cried out as she came, her legs trembling as he continued his unrelenting pace .
Moments later, he thew his head back and cried out as he emptied inside her. Warmth filled her as his movements finally slowed. He eased himself down on top of her, careful not to squish her. He was still, but she felt the hammering of his racing heart, could feel him twitching inside her.
She welcomed the heavy weight of him and ran her fingers down his damp spine, reveling in the moment. Having this amazing man fill her, take her, was everything. Beyond the physical—which had blown her mind—being with him like this filled her soul.
A smile lifted her lips, and she pressed a kiss to his shoulder. “You were made for me too.”
Gavin wasn’t quite sure when they’d switched positions. He was lying on his back on the couch with Bean sprawled over him, her head tucked into the side of his neck.
He wasn’t complaining. Not at all.
In fact, he’d never felt better.
There was post-orgasm relaxation, and then there was this. It was next-level.
It boggled his mind that Bean was in his arms, that she fit so perfectly against him. His fingers traced circles on the soft skin of her hip. This time last week, they’d just been friends on a mission to rescue a kidnapped child. Now...
A smile pulled at the corners of his lips, and he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. He felt her smile against his chest.
Now, they had this . . .
She kissed his pec and shifted to meet his gaze. “You know, I was thinking that?—”
Gasping, her eyes went wide with alarm. “Gavin, your shoulder!” Panic laced the three words as she scrambled to sit .
Glancing at his right shoulder, he winced. Dots of crimson stained his bandage. He’d opened up his wound. “It’s fine, B.”
“It’s not fine,” she snapped. “You’re bleeding!”
God, she was hot when she was all riled up. “Bean, it’s fine. I have a first aid kit under my bathroom sink.”
Rising, he held a hand out to her. When she took it, he pulled her up and took a moment to admire every inch of her skin. “Goddamn, now every time I look at you, I’ll be picturing you like this. Naked. Sexy as hell. My come running down your thighs.”
Her gaze trailed down his chest to his dick. She licked her lips, and his cock twitched. “Right back at ya, boss man.”
Chuckling, he laced his fingers with hers and pulled her toward his bedroom. “Come on, little devil. Let’s get this retaped, and then what do you say we go for another round?”
Her gaze darted to his shoulder, and her grin dimmed. “But?—”
“No buts. This?” He raised his right shoulder. “Totally worth it.”
“If you say so,” she said as they entered his bedroom. She released his hand and made her way to his bathroom as he turned down his sheets and settled onto his bed. “But you’re taking pain meds tonight,” she called out from the bathroom. “I don’t care if you don’t want to or not, you’re taking them.”
Water ran in the sink, and after a moment, he heard the sound of drawers and cabinet doors opening and closing. He kicked himself for not taking the time to clean her up. He should be the one taking care of her, not the other way around. Next time...
When she returned with his first aid kit in her hands, he was peeling up the corner of his bandage. “Like I said, that was totally worth messing up the stitches. ”
He wasn’t lying. He was still riding high from his orgasm and wasn’t feeling any pain.
For the next couple of minutes, they worked together to remove his bandage. He’d popped two stitches, but it wasn’t bad. As he walked her through applying a butterfly bandage, he noticed her eyelids getting heavy. She wrapped a new bandage over his shoulder and yawned.
She gathered the first aid supplies and went back into the bathroom. “I may have to take a rain check on round two. I think you wrecked me.”
Gavin shifted, swinging his legs onto the bed. He pulled the duvet over his lap and froze. His heart hammered in his chest, and ice filled his veins. Holy shit, what the hell was he doing? He couldn’t spend the night with her in the same bed.
His breath locked in his chest as Bean reentered the bedroom. His limbs were leaden, but he watched as she made her way to the other side of his bed. Pulling the covers down, she paused and tilted her head to the side in concern. “Is the tape bothering you? Did I make it too tight?”
Fucking hell, he couldn’t do this. No matter how much he wanted to crawl into bed, pull Bean into his arms, and go the fuck to sleep, he couldn’t. It wasn’t an option.
Images from years ago bombarded his brain. A blond woman. Chelsea. He couldn’t remember her last name, wasn’t even sure she’d ever told him what it was. They’d both been out looking for a good time. Nothing more. But that night was seared into his brain. He’d never forgotten the panic and terror in her brown eyes. How her mouth had hung open in a silent scream as she’d clawed at his wrists. How she’d drawn blood on the backs of his hands.
Hands that he’d wrapped around her throat . . .
Bile turned his stomach, and he pressed his lips together. A sheen of sweat broke out over his skin. He hadn’t shared a bed with a woman since that horrific night. And he couldn’t now. It wasn’t safe.
Bean meant too much.
“You okay?” she asked, meeting his gaze.
Whatever she saw when she looked at him had a flicker of disappointment crossing her face. Shit! He was fucking this all up.
She dropped the edge of the duvet and gestured to the bedroom door. “You know what, I think I’ll get out of your hair.” She smiled, and his stomach sank. It was one of her fake, polished smiles. “I have some stuff I have to do in the morning, so I’ll just see you at the office tomorrow.”
He wanted to reach for her, to grab her by the waist and haul her back to him. Wanted to cuddle her naked body close and sleep peacefully with her. Then wake her in the middle of the night and sink deep into her again.
Instead, he sat there frozen.
Unable to move.
Unable to say a fucking thing.
Not because he didn’t want her to stay, but because he didn’t trust himself.
She turned and glanced around. Frowning, she yanked open his dresser drawers, grabbed one of his T-shirts, and pulled it over her head. The tension in the silent room threatened to suffocate him. When she reached his bedroom door, she turned back with that damn society smile on her face. Her shoulders were ramrod straight, and her head was held high. But she didn’t meet his gaze. Instead, her attention was focused on his shoulder.
“I’m taking your car, and I’ll reengage your alarm when I head out.” She turned but then hesitated and looked over her shoulder at him. “You going to be okay tonight?”
His stomach twisted. He was a motherfucking asshole.
Nodding, he shifted and winced at both the pull in his shoulder and at his own stupidity. But no matter how much he willed himself to say something, he couldn’t get his mouth to form the words, couldn’t ask her to stay.
She opened his bedroom door, and panic surged through him, flooding every one of his senses. “Wait!”
She stilled but didn’t turn around.
Seconds earlier, he’d been rendered mute. Now, fear had words spewing from his mouth. “Holy shit, Bean, I’m so fucking sorry. I want to ask you to stay, but I don’t think... I don’t know...”
She finally turned to face him and it was like a kick to the gut. Disappointment, sadness, and resignation all swirled in her blue eyes. With a tight smile, she nodded. “It’s fine, Frazier. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He scrambled out of the bed but remained standing at its edge, afraid to get too close to her, afraid she’d push him away, afraid she wouldn’t. “I’m sorry. I’m fucking this all up. It’s not you, I swear.” The look of abject disbelief she gave him had him rushing on. “I swear to God, it’s me. It’s...” Letting out a frustrated growl, he rubbed his hands over his face. Dropping his arms to his sides, he met her gaze. The wariness staring back at him had determination surging through him. He had to get this right, dammit. “I’m a fucking idiot. When you went to get into bed with me, I froze.” He waved at the rumpled bed behind him. “I couldn’t fucking move. I haven’t slept with anyone in years?—”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Frazier.” She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms across her chest. “If you’re going to lie to me, at least make it believable.”
“I’m serious. Yes, I’ve had sex with women, but it’s been a long time since I’ve slept with someone. But you...”
Her brow arched in challenge, and she scoffed. “I’m what? Different ?”
“Yes! You’re so fucking special. You’re more important than all the others combined.” Her eyes widened the tiniest fraction. He’d surprised her. Hell, he’d surprised himself. But everything he’d said was the truth. And he was desperate for her to believe him. “I don’t do sleepovers—haven’t done one since I moved here—and I sure as hell don’t invite anyone into my home. I want you to stay tonight. More than fucking anything. But I don’t want to hurt you. And if you stay with me—in my bed—I might. I’d rather die than hurt you.”
Silence ticked by for longer than he wanted. Her eyes searched his, and he feared what she saw.
“Your nightmares.” The two words she uttered were a statement, not a question. Shame threatened to engulf him, but he held her gaze and nodded.
Without a word, she took his hand and turned him. She gave him a gentle shove, and he climbed back into the bed. He held his breath as she rounded the bed and crawled in beside him. “We don’t have to sleep. We can just talk.”
He shifted so she was tucked against him, her head on his good shoulder. He remained silent, trying to find the right words. “I’m sorry if I hurt you earlier. I didn’t know how... or what to say.”
She kissed his pec and rested her cheek back against his chest. “You can make it up to me by talking to me. As little or as much as you want.”
He didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know where to even start. Letting out a sigh, he focused on Bean. She had one hand resting on his chest, and her fingers moved soothingly back and forth along his skin. Her touch calmed him, settled his racing heart. He took a deep breath in and let her floral scent wash over him. If he couldn’t be honest with her, then what was the point? This woman had been one of his closest friends for years and meant so damn much.
“You know I have nightmares. I’ve gotten a pretty good handle on them over the years, but the McClintock kidnapping stirred up a bunch of shit.”
“Like I said, Gavin, you can tell me as little or as much as you want. You’ll get no judgement from me.”
“I know, honey.” He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and sighed. “My last mission as a Delta involved this piece of shit HVT—high-value target. The guy was the head of a trafficking ring. Specialized in kids. The kicker was his base of operations was in an orphanage.” His mind drifted to the afternoon they’d arrived at the village. He could still feel the sting of the insect bites and the humidity of the jungle suffocating him.
“Our team took up positions around the orphanage and the plan was to go in at zero three hundred. Take out the HVT, confirm the kill, and be done. When evening fell, a van arrived. Fifteen men got out, and the HVT was there to greet them. The kids...” His chest squeezed, and his throat grew thick. “We could hear the sounds of those guys fucking them, torturing them. Could see what the fuck some of them were doing through the windows. We could hear the kids crying.” Their screams and terrified whimpers echoed in his brain. “But we were ordered to stand down. To wait. To not do jack shit to help them.”
Wetness dropped onto his chest, and Bean sniffed. He tightened his arms around her, and he swallowed past the rock in his throat.
“We followed orders and waited until the van of men left. Waited until zero three fucking hundred hours. Then we went in. Took out the HVT and his associates, confirmed the kill, and left.” He shook his head. “We left the kids. Some were dead. The ones that were still alive were in rough shape. But we had to leave them all.”
He stared at the ceiling, his chest painfully tight. Tears slid down the sides of his face, and disgust coursed through him. “We were lucky that we didn’t lose anyone on our team, but that mission fucked with a lot of our heads. I got out after that. So did Xander and Wilson and a couple others.”
“I’m so sorry you had to go through that, Gavin,” Bean whispered, squeezing him tightly. “I’m sorry the people in command were such heartless assholes.”
The anger in her voice eased some of the pain in his heart. “Me too.”
“That’s why you started Hudson Security, isn’t it?”
He nodded. “I still wanted to make a difference, wanted to help people. But I was done with the bureaucratic bullshit.”
She remained silent for a few heartbeats. “I’m proud of you. Hudson Security matters. You’ve given us all an opportunity to make a difference.”
God, this woman . . .
“I guess that was a long way of explaining that I have sleep issues. When I got out, I was plagued with nightmares. For years. I went to therapy, and that helped. But...”
“But?” Bean prodded when he’d stayed silent.
“The last time I attempted to stay the night with anyone was right around when I started Hudson Security. I was over on Whidbey Island and picked up a woman at a bar. Chelsea. I’d just gotten out, and she was Navy, so we commiserated over our time in the service. One thing led to another and we ended up back at her place. It was totally casual. Then I woke up in the middle of the night and didn’t know where I was.”
Shame swirled in his gut like a hot rock, and his pulse picked up speed. “I’m not sure what exactly happened. One moment, I thought I was still in that orphanage, and the next moment, I was straddling Chelsea, pinning her down with my hands around her throat.”
It had taken him precious seconds for him to realize the woman under him wasn’t a piece-of-shit sex trafficker. But it was too late. Chelsea’s terror had gutted him .
“I couldn’t apologize enough. I was a fucking wreck.” He continued to stare at the ceiling, petrified to look at Bean, scared to see what she thought of him. “For some unknown reason, Chelsea forgave me. Not sure why. But I went into therapy after that. I was so fucking broken.”
“You’ve never slept in bed with anyone since?”
Bean’s words were soft and lacked censure. Holding his breath, he risked a peek at her. She wasn’t looking at him, so he only saw the top of her head. “No. I’ve never wanted to. Until you. But... I don’t trust myself.”
She glanced up at him, and there was something in her expression, something he couldn’t describe, something he couldn’t look away from.
“I said it before and I’ll say it again, Gavin Frazier. I’m proud of you.”
He frowned. There was no way he’d heard that right.
She propped her chin onto his chest and met his gaze. “What you went through on your last mission was terrible. It left you with horrible PTSD. I know you didn’t mean to hurt that woman, but you did.”
His stomach sank and he looked away, but Bean grabbed his chin and forcibly made him face her. “But you got help, Gavin. Professional help. You did the work to get better, to manage your nightmares. You could have easily just tried to go it alone. But you didn’t. It takes a lot of guts to seek help. Especially for you macho-alpha types.” She patted his stomach. “And, yeah, you may have had a setback after the McClintock kidnapping, but you know the steps you need to take to manage it, right?”
He nodded.
“You could have also just shut me out earlier. But you didn’t. You opened up and told me what was going on in that head of yours. I was ready to walk out thinking you didn’t want me. ”
Everything inside him revolted at the thought. “You can’t imagine how much I want you, Bean. And not just tonight.”
“I want you too. And for more than just tonight.” Her lips lifted into a small smile. “Thank you for talking to me, for being honest with me.”
The tension in his body eased like a slowly deflating balloon. He ran a hand through her hair, unable to tear his gaze from her. “Bean, baby, I don’t deserve you.”
Her smile grew as she rolled her eyes. “You’re a lot of things, but you’re not stupid. Don’t start acting like it now.” Then she tucked her head against his neck.
Wrapping his arms around her, he simply held her.
As he ran his hand mindlessly up and down her spine, everything inside him settled—his heart, his soul, his entire being. He squeezed her tighter. This woman was quickly becoming everything.
“I’m still scared to sleep with you,” he confessed. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
She met his gaze, and there was nothing but understanding in her blue eyes. “If you’re really worried, I can sleep in the guest room. It’s okay, Gavin.”
He was shaking his head before she’d finished speaking. “I want to. Hell, there’s nothing I want more than to fall asleep with you in my arms but... I’m nervous. If I hurt you?—”
She pressed her finger to his lips, silencing him. “I have an idea. In order to have a really good sleep, you need to be totally exhausted, right?”
There was a twinkle in her eyes that had him smiling. He had no idea where she was going with this, but he was game. “Yeah?”
“How about I exhaust you? I mean, as long as you don’t pop any more stitches.” While she spoke, she moved off his body until she was kneeling between his legs. Her fingers skimmed over his thighs, and his cock hardened. “I mean, good sleep is vital, wouldn’t you agree? Will you let me see if I can get that brain of yours to shut off?”
“Yeah.” The one word came out like a croak but he didn’t give a shit, because she was lowering her face to his cock. He groaned as her little pink tongue flicked the underside. He got impossibly harder, desperate to feel her mouth on him. “Please, B.”
The look she shot him was sex and tenderness all wrapped in one. “Please what, boss man?”
“Suck my cock, baby. Please.”
“Yes, sir.”
His dick jerked at those two words. Then his brain shut off completely as she swallowed him down. The image of her sweet mouth bobbing up and down on his cock was forever imprinted into his brain.
Holy shit, this woman . . .
This glorious fucking woman.
She owned him. Completely. Mind, body, and soul. He was hers.