Chapter 30
CHAPTER THIRTY
H alf an hour later, Bean had changed into leggings, a long-sleeved shirt, fleece vest, hooded down coat, and, of course, her new hiking boots. It was a crisp and dreary gray afternoon that threatened rain. Basically, a typical October day in the Pacific Northwest. She and Gavin made their way past the Hudson Tactical facility toward the trailhead she’d explored with Wilson last week. She bit back a chuckle. Explored was probably a bit of an exaggeration. It had been more like a very leisurely stroll where she was sure her friend wanted to gouge his eyes out.
She peeked at Gavin and the humor in her fled. He was focused ahead of him, but the crinkle between his eyebrows was on full display. His mind was elsewhere.
“You doing okay, boss?” she asked, popping the top of her energy drink and taking a swig.
He glanced down at her and cringed. “How do you drink that?”
She held the can out to him. When he shook his head, she shrugged and took another drink. “It’s good. It’s like a liquid Jolly Rancher. I’ll have you know, I used to drink the full- sugar ones. This bad boy has zero sugar. So it’s not that bad for me.”
“I wouldn’t go that far,” he murmured.
“To be fair, I did drink a big bottle of water this morning.”
His lips pursed. “After how many cups of coffee and energy drinks?”
She chuckled. “Fair point, but one bottle of water is better than none, right?”
“True.” A tired smile ghosted his lips as he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his down jacket. “I just worry about you, B.”
She sobered at his words, at the dark look that flashed over his face. “I know, and I appreciate it. But I promise I’m trying to be better about eating and properly hydrating.” Well, hydrating in general. But whatever. “Believe it or not, this is only my second can of the day. Before that whole passing-out incident, I would have usually already had at least four.” More like six or seven. On top of the three to four cups of morning coffee. But the way the guy was grimacing at her admission, she didn’t want to give him a heart attack.
“What else is bugging you, boss?” When he gave her a pointed look, she rolled her eyes. “ Gavin . You’re worried, and I know it can’t just be about my energy drink consumption.”
He remained silent as they passed the easy trail she’d taken with Wilson. They veered to the right, and he held a branch up for her to walk under. “All of it. The shootings. The not knowing. Constance freaking Whitcomb. The fact that we’re stretched so thin with the McClintocks at the safe house.”
“Are you thinking of hiring another team?”
“I probably should, but it’s so damn hard to find good people. The teams we have are solid, but we basically have them booked out through the middle of next year. I don’t want to have anyone burnout.” He let out a weary sigh and scrubbed his hands over his face. Dropping his arms, his shoulders straightened, and he inhaled deeply. “I don’t want to talk about that though. We’re here to clear our heads. Tell me something non-work related. Maybe something about your childhood. I know you said you spent most of it at boarding schools, but did you have fun? Get into trouble?”
Bean made a face. “You met my mother. Fun wasn’t a high priority. But I suppose my childhood was fine.” She fought a cringe. That had sounded horrible. It hadn’t been bad, just... different. “Looking back, I definitely had an unusual upbringing. Boarding school at four. Done with high school by twelve. Two undergrad and two master’s degrees by eighteen.” She shrugged. “But at the time, I didn’t really know any better. It wasn’t until I was around thirteen that I realized I was an anomaly.”
He took her hand and squeezed. “You had friends and stuff, right? You were happy?”
Her chest tightened, and she frowned. Happy? That old feeling of not fitting in settled heavily in her gut. She wanted to be honest with Gavin, but she also didn’t want to be a complete downer. “I think the better word is focused. Determined. The boarding school I went to had kids of a variety of ages. When I started, I was the youngest, so it was hard to talk with the other kids. I’d mentioned Marie?—”
“The cook who gave you your nickname.”
A small smile bloomed, both from the memory of the woman and the fact that he’d remembered. “Yeah. Other kids came and went, but she was the one constant. I talked with her a lot. Picked her brain on what adult life was like. Watched sitcoms in the evening with her.”
“She was like your mother figure?”
Bean heard the warmth in his voice and nodded. Marie was the one who’d baked her cookies for her birthday, the one she’d run to when she’d been twelve and thought she was hemorrhaging, thought she was dying. Marie was the one person she kept in contact with from her childhood.
“At my school, since kids graduated high school at different ages, once you started your college courses—if you were too young to live on-campus at your university—you were transitioned into the boarding school’s ‘college’ dorms. It was hard to make friends. At that point, even though most of us were going to Stanford, everyone was kind of doing their own thing.”
Gavin looked at her in utter bafflement and appeared to be choosing his words carefully. “That sounds... impressive, for sure. But, honey, that sounds...”
“Boring?” She chuckled because, holy shit, it did sound boring. Luckily, she’d never known anything different, so she’d never noticed how lonely her childhood had been. “I obviously had a hard time relating to other kids. I mean, do you know what happens when you take a group of socially awkward, too smart, introverted kids and put them in a room together?”
He shook his head.
“Absolutely nothing. We didn’t talk to each other or engage in regular teenage mischief—or what I’m assuming teenage mischief is based on what I saw on TV—but I swear, I did have my share of fun. When I was thirteen, I got really into RPGs.”
Gavin’s jaw dropped, and he stopped dead in his tracks. A look of horror crossed his face. “Rocket-propelled grenades?”
She blinked. Twice. Then she burst into laughter. “Oh my God, Gavin, it’s obvious you weren’t a nerd as a kid. Role-playing games. You know, online computer games? EverQuest , World of Warcraft , Gothic —that kind of thing.”
“Holy shit,” he wheezed, slapping a hand to the center of his chest. “You had me worried there for a second. I mean, what the hell kind of fancy-ass school lets teenagers play with heavy-duty weapons.”
She shook her head, wiping a tear of hilarity away. “It was a school for super nerds. The only warfare was simulated.”
“Thank God for that.” He mimed wiping sweat from his brow.
The small gesture warmed her heart, and she couldn’t help but smile at him. Playful Gavin was quickly becoming one of her favorites. The way his eyes crinkled at the edges and the deeper lines bracketing his mouth softened his face was everything.
“Speaking of weapons... I’d really like it if you took some of our weapons training courses.” She opened her mouth to complain, but he held up a hand. “I know you’ve been putting it off since you’ve been so busy. But with Tiny coming on and you delegating more to the cyber team, I’d like you to consider it.”
He gave her his most pathetic puppy-dog look.
She rolled her eyes but chuckled, shaking her head.
His expression grew serious as he held her gaze. “Bean, it’s important to me that you’re safe. That you know how to defend yourself. At least think about it. Please?”
Gah! Of course, he had to go and be all sweet, had to make her insides all gooey.
It’s not that she had anything against their company’s courses. In fact, she’d heard great things about them. It’s just that she’d never handled any sort of weapon before. She could chop up vegetables as well as the next person, but that was as far as her knife skills went. She’d also never held a gun. Therefore, she knew she wouldn’t be good at it. And, yes, she understood that was the whole damn reason for the courses and lessons, but she hated not being good at something. If she wasn’t good at something, she put it off for... Well, forever if she had to .
Gavin’s kicked-puppy-dog look was back and dialed up a few notches. She bit back a smile. “Fine. I’ll think about it.”
“That’s all I ask and I’m taking that as a win. Now, were you good at these computer games you played?”
She slowly turned her head to him, one eyebrow arched high. “Is that a real question, Frazier?”
He winced, holding up his hands in mock surrender. “No. Not at all. It was a lapse of judgement. My stupid mouth saying stupid things.”
“I figured as much.” She gave him another pointed look. Good Lord, he was cute. “But in response to your stupid question, obviously, I was very, very good at those games.”
“Obviously,” he said, sending her a wink.
She grinned up at him and hooked her arm through his as they continued up the trail. Who knew hiking with Gavin Frazier would be this fun, this relaxing. “What was cool about the games was that they were all online. I picked a persona and no one knew I was a thirteen-year-old girl living at a boarding school and working on her first computer science degree. I wasn’t the weird kid. I just got to play and just... be.”
“I’m glad you had that outlet.”
“Me too. For as long as I can remember, it was easier to relax when I was behind a computer screen. I’ve never done well with people.”
“You deal with people just fine, B.”
She shook her head. “It may appear that way, but on the inside, I’m usually a nervous wreck.”
“When you first started at Hudson Security, did me and MacKay make you nervous?”
“No. You two were fine. But I’d heard about you guys from Esme first, and I knew you guys were solid if Esme trusted you. That woman barely trusts anyone—especially back then. ”
“Valid point.” His lips pursed, and his eyes narrowed, but he remained silent.
She knew that face, that I-want-to-ask-but-I-don’t-know-if-I-should expression. “Go ahead and ask whatever’s on your mind.”
He was quiet for a few more moments before he spoke, as if weighing his words. “Now that we have a larger crew at the office, are you okay with that? The last thing I want is for you to be uncomfortable at work. I want to make sure it’s always a safe space for you. Anything less is unacceptable.”
Holy. Freaking. Swoon.
Her insides melted. If she weren’t holding on to his arm, she’d be a puddle of goo at his feet. Who knew this man could be so sweet...
The intensity in his gaze—a mixture of protectiveness, care, and desire—had her gulping. But she had to be completely honest with him. “I’ve lived an unorthodox life. Until I came to work for you, I’d never truly felt secure. For the first time in my life, I have a place that I fit.”
He pulled them to a stop and faced her, taking both her hands in his. “You’re more than your job, B. You’re more than your brains and your beauty. You’re the whole damn package.”
Heat raced over her face, and she bit her bottom lip, her gaze dropping to the center of his chest. This man...
She let out an unsteady chuckle. “Now you’re making me nervous in a totally different way.”
He stepped toward her, eliminating the space between them, and wrapped her in his arms. Tipping her chin up with his finger, he gazed down at her, heat and tenderness swirling in his eyes. “Good to know. Because you make me nervous in the best way.”
Her stomach flipped as he pressed a kiss to her lips. Before things could get too heated, he pulled away, took her hand, and continued up the trail. “Do you still play?”
It took a moment for her brain to connect the dots. Games. Right. “I try. It’s been a bit hectic the last few months, so I haven’t had a lot of downtime.”
“I’m sorry for that. I know we put a lot on your plate.”
She shrugged. “Yeah, but it’s what I want. To keep busy. Letting go and delegating has been... hard.” Her nose scrunched. More like excruciating. It took everything she had to not micromanage her team. To not make sure they were doing things the right way. Hey, control freak! “However, I will admit—out loud—that Tiny’s really good. Better than I thought, actually. MacKay made the right call bringing him in.”
Gavin stopped in his tracks and stared at her like the proverbial deer in headlights. Then he laughed. And laughed. And laughed.
She crossed her arms over her chest, lips pursed as she waited for him to be done.
After way too long, he finally quieted down to little snickers. “Holy shit, B, did it hurt when you said that? Because, baby, your face just now?” His finger made a circle in the air around her face. “Swear to God, you looked like you were either gonna puke or punch something.”
Her hands hit her hips, and she glared at him but the corners of her lips twitched. Shaking her head, she huffed out an indignant sigh. He was too damn cute for his own good.
Before she could think of some smart-ass comeback, Gavin swooped her up into his arms so they were face-to-face, her chest pressed tightly against his. She clutched his broad shoulders, her feet dangling in the air. A flush tore over her cheeks, and she may have squeaked .
“Holy shit, B. You’re so fucking hot when you’re all grumpy, you know that?”
He crushed his mouth to hers and every nerve in her body caught fire. She moaned and parted her lips. His tongue thrust into her mouth, and she welcomed it, welcomed him. She couldn’t get enough of this man.
“Damn, baby, I need to make you grumpy at me all the time.”
“Is that so?” she asked, wrapping her legs around his waist and rocking against his growing erection. His moan had satisfaction surging through her. She’d done that. And she wanted more...
A bird cawed, and she pulled away, breathless. He had one hand under her ass to support her, and the other buried in her hair. She wasn’t sure how long they’d stood there devouring each other, but her heart was racing and everything was unsteady. This man destroyed her senses.
And by his equally heaving chest and wild eyes, it appeared to be a reciprocal destruction of senses.
When Gavin finally spoke, his voice was like gravel. “As much as I want to push you up against the nearest tree and sink deep into you...” He shook his head, and his eyes darted up to the trees.
It took a split second for understanding to sink in. When it did, she gasped and heat flooded over her face. “Oh my God,” she muttered, dropping her head into the side of his neck.
He cleared his throat. “Yeah . . .”
Laughing, she met his gaze and framed his face in her hands. “Yeah, is right. Pretty sure we just traumatized everyone in cyber for life.” She glanced up and scanned the trees. “Do you even know where the cameras are out here?”
As he lowered her to her feet, she pulled him down for one final kiss. Because she could. And cyber had already gotten a show, so what did it matter?
With a growl, he nipped at her lower lip before straightening. “No clue. I know Wilson wanted to make sure there weren’t any blind spots.” He glanced up and scanned the trees. Then he waved, calling out, “Sorry! Feel free to delete all that.”
Snickering, Bean hooked her arm through his. “You’re a nut. It’s doubtful anyone picked us up on the cameras.” He arched an eyebrow at her, and she winced. “Yeah, I’ll make sure that whoever is monitoring the game cameras erases that little part.” She cleared her throat. “Well, secret’s out about us, huh?”
She cringed and wanted to hit herself over the head. She’d hoped the words had come out casually, but the way Gavin stilled had her stomach twisting. She suppressed a disappointed sigh. Things had been going so well, but she had to go and make everything awkward. Typical, Bean. Typical .
Bean’s words had Gavin pausing. They’d been said casually, but there’d been a nervous edge in her voice. And that wasn’t going to fly.
“Are you okay with everyone at the office knowing we’re together?” he asked.
“Um, yeah. It’s fine. I mean, if you’re okay with it?”
He turned to fully face her. He wasn’t sure what had just happened. One second, they were making out and joking about getting caught on the cameras. Now, she was unsure. Awkward. Nervous.
This was Bean . The most kick-ass woman he knew. She should never be any of those things.
Spotting a felled tree, he pulled her toward it and sat. Patting the bark next to him, he waited until she was seated. “I know we’ve moved about a million miles an hour here. Hell, I haven’t even taken you out on an official date?—”
Her eyes widened in surprise, and his stomach sank. After everything they’d talked about the other night, did she think this was just a quick, casual fuck? Holy shit, if she did, then he was an absolute asshole.
“Look, B, I know we jumped into this pretty fast and?—”
“We’ve been friends for eight years.”
“Yeah, but this?” He cradled her face in his hands and kissed her. He took his time tasting her lips, her tongue, then her lips again before pulling back. “This? This is new. And we went pretty fast. Like I said, I haven’t even taken you out, which is all on me. That’s my fault. And just so there’s no miscommunication, that’s what I want. To take you out. To date you. To be with you.”
She looked at him with tentative eyes, like she wasn’t sure she quite believed him.
“Is that something you want too?” His voice caught on the last three words. Please say yes. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if she wanted to keep things casual.
With wide eyes, she gave a slight nod, and the tight band around his heart eased. He ran his thumb over her lower lip. Knowing her past, her history, he vowed right then and there that he’d do everything in his power to make her see how amazing she was.
“I don’t know if you want to put a label on what’s going on between us, and we don’t need to.”
Her eyes narrowed. “If you had to choose a label for us, what would it be?”
“You’d be my girlfriend. My partner. My woman. I’d also add my lover”—he shook his head and cringed—“but that word has always creeped me out.”
She laughed, as he’d intended. “It creeps me out too. ”
“But we don't need to label this if you’re not comfortable with that. I want to be with you. You want to be with me?” When she nodded again, this time with a small smile lifting her lips, he continued, “I hope you know that I respect the hell out of you. You’ve always mattered to me. And now?” He took in the arch of her eyebrows, the sharp cut of her cheekbones, the way her irises shifted from clear blue to nearly navy at the edges. His chest squeezed tightly. This woman was everything to him. “Now, you matter so damn much.”
She leaned into him and sealed her lips to his. Not caring about the cameras, he explored her mouth slowly, as if they had all the time in the world. Hell, if he had his way, they did. They’d have their entire lives.
A sharp trill had him groaning. His phone vibrated in his pocket.
She chuckled. “Is there a phone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
He laughed. With one hand, he hooked her behind the neck and pulled her in for a hard kiss. With his other hand, he pulled the phone from his pocket. “Aren’t you the comedian,” he muttered against her lips.
“Humor and sarcasm when I’m nervous. It’s a thing.” She shrugged. “What can I say?”
“Only good nervous around me, right?”
The smile that spread over her lips warmed his heart. “Right. Now answer your phone.”
“Yes, ma’am,” he said, bringing his phone to his ear. “Frazier.”
“It’s Alvarez. We need you guys back at the office. And as a heads-up, I don’t know what you and B are up to, but cyber’s hooting and hollering like twelve-year-olds. Be prepared.”
Rolling his eyes, Gavin replied, “Thanks, man. We’re on our way back now.” Rising, he glanced around the trail and held a hand out to Bean. “We’re about twenty to a half hour out.” His eyes narrowed at the noise on the other end of the phone. “What the hell was that?”
Alvarez chuckled. “That was a collective ‘Aww’ from cyber. You must have done something that met their approval.”
Shaking his head, he let go of Bean’s hand and glanced up at the trees. With a giant smile, he raised his middle finger. He chuckled at the raucous laughter he heard coming through his phone.