Chapter Twenty-Four
Twenty-four
“You should be sleeping,” Win says from the chair next to Caleb’s bedside. I have no clue how she knows that I’m awake, my back is to her on the pullout cot I’m laid out on. “I told you, I’m watching him.”
I sigh, tucking a hand under the pillow the hospital provided. “I know…”
“Is it the monitors?” she asks. “Or the lights?” The nurses dimmed the lights to a soft, orange glow and turned the volume down on the machines just after Bo left to trade places with Win back at the hotel. But neither of those things are what is keeping me from sleeping.
“No, I keep drifting off but then jolt awake seconds later thinking something’s wrong.” I lift the blanket off me, sit up, and move to the second chair next to hers. Win is in her favorite navy sweatpants and a long-sleeve gray camp shirt. Her knees are bent up to her chest and she holds a large water bottle between her legs. “You should take the bed.” I mirror her sitting position and place my chin onto my knees.
I’m grateful that she thought to bring me some of her comfy clothes as well. And, that the hospital had a shower I could use just down the hall. At least I no longer smell as bad as I feel.
“No,” Win says, turning toward Caleb. “I’m not tired.” I watch the rising and falling of Caleb’s chest once again and find myself syncing my own breathing to his rhythm. “What time did they say they’d run more tests again?”
“Six-ish, before shift change.”
She glances up to the digital clock on the wall, and then back to Caleb. After a brief second, I see her wipe her cheek against her knee. Then she sniffs, confirming what I’d suspected—she’s crying. Which, in turn, makes me cry too.
In an unspoken, mutual understanding, we decide to do nothing but hug our knees and let the moment pass as we sit and cry together.
“I texted my mom,” Win says after a few minutes. “She’s offered to come up, to watch Gus or stay with you. I said we’d let her know tomorrow.”
I love Aunt June deeply but that woman hasn’t made a situation easier on anyone in her entire life. “If you need her for Gus,” I say softly. “But I think we’ll be okay. They all keep saying they’re taking extra precautions…That this is just protocol when someone loses consciousness. I don’t want to waste her time.”
“Right,” Win agrees. “You’re right.” But I see her lip quiver just before she turns around.
“Babe,” I say, reaching out for her. “It’s okay.”
Win turns toward me, her red-rimmed eyes in contrast to the sweet smile that she offers. “I’m sorry, I should be comforting you, not the other way around.”
“If you want your mom here, then tell her to come.”
“No, it’s not that. Obviously, Mom shouldn’t be here, she’s like an emotional bull in a china shop. But she may annoy Caleb enough that he wakes up.”
I laugh, though I probably shouldn’t. “So, what is it?”
“I just hate this.”
“I know, me too.”
“And, I’m so frustrated that I’m not keeping my shit together in front of you.”
“In your defense, I should be sleeping.”
“Yeah, you’re right. It’s so rude of you to interrupt my scheduled meltdown time.”
I huff, in an almost laugh. “My apologies.”
“Seeing him like this…It feels so vulnerable,” Win whispers. “It’s bringing back all the memories of…Well, you know. And, sitting here, I’ve realized that we give Caleb such a hard time and—”
“Win, he knows how much you love him,” I interrupt.
“Yeah?” She looks at me, a sad sort of hopefulness in her eyes.
I nod. “Yes, definitely. You’re in his top five favorite people, remember ?” Caleb had one too many gin and tonics at Bo and Win’s wedding reception and made a very long-winded toast that concluded in him ranking his all-time favorite humans. Bo was fifth, Win was fourth, Gus was third, and Leonard Nimoy was a close second, apparently, to me.
“I’m sorry I cannot protect you from this,” Win says, reaching out to cup my face. “I would if I could.”
I pat her hand twice before she pulls away. “Right back at you, babe.”
Win sits up straighter in her chair and I watch as she literally shakes herself, sniffs once, and blinks back tears. “Caleb’s walking out of this hospital by the end of the week.” She speaks with such authority that I find myself nodding in agreement as she gives direct eye contact. “I promise you.”
Deep down I know that she doesn’t have any right to promise anything, that she’s just as helpless as the rest of us. But I decide to allow myself the kindness of believing her. At least for tonight. “Okay.”
“Are you really not going to sleep?” she asks.
I shake my head. “Do you want the bed?”
“No, I want to hear about your trip. How was it?”
“It was great until it wasn’t,” I answer.
“Tell me about the great parts.”
So, I do.
I tell her about Yvonne stopping the rain, the other couples, Libby, the fake abstinence rule, the first hike, being dragged back to the tent by Caleb, our public fight and the conversation that followed, the communication, the playfulness, the sex—of which I spare no detail. Win laughs with me, cries with me, sits patiently while I gather myself as we approach the timing of the accident and my thoughts scatter. For some levity, I pull out my phone and we make quick work of finding Nina’s Instagram. We joke about how absurdly gorgeous she and Jai are. How unjust the world is to bestow such beauty upon one couple. I talk about my session with Yvonne and the revelations that have continued to follow in the days since. How much steadier I feel…Or, felt.
“So, university then? That’s huge.”
I nod. I feel a wave of fresh anxiety wash over me, looking toward Caleb over her shoulder. “It felt simpler yesterday, though. To plan and dream for the future.”
“This is a slight hiccup,” Win says, teasing as she grimaces at her obvious oversimplification. “But you’ll get yourself there.”
“I’m not really interested in any version of life without Caleb,” I say. “And right now, any thoughts of the future are freaking me the fuck out.”
“And you won’t have to know what that looks like,” Win says calmly. “And, I’m sorry.”
“What? For what?”
“For not seeing it before. For not seeing how you were feeling all these years. You seemed so happy, and content, but I should have known better. I should have asked…I’m proud of you for figuring it out, but I’m sorry I didn’t get the chance to help sooner.”
“I’m okay,” I reassure her. “And, I think it had to be this way. I had to decide to change for myself.”
After a few more shared memories, tears, conversation, and one smuggled-in bag of chips the nurse definitely sees us eating and chooses to allow, we both fall asleep at Caleb’s bedside.
When my eyes open again, it’s morning. Caleb’s nurses are checking on him, sunlight is pouring in from the window behind us, and Chellie is standing outside the glass sliding door, talking to a doctor I’ve yet to meet.
“Oh boy,” Win says, spotting her too as she fixes the bun on top of her head.
“Here we go.” I stretch my sore neck before I move to stand. “Chellie, hi,” I say, sliding open the door. She immediately hugs me. It’s brief, and rigid, but initiated by her, which is new.
“I’m glad you could get some sleep,” she says, looking me over. “I don’t think I’d be able to if it was Cyrus laid up in there.”
I swallow my words, and put on a soft smile, turning to the doctor. “Is there any news?” I say, glancing between them both.
“I was just explaining to your mother-in-law that I’m not on Caleb’s support team.”
“And I was just inquiring as to why the lead attending in the ICU isn’t attending to my son,” Chellie responds.
I turn back toward the room, wondering if Win is witnessing this. And, of course, she is. Her mischievous face is peeking around the curtain with wide eyes as she whispers something to the amused nurse taking Caleb’s blood pressure.
“Caleb has had great care so far,” I assure her. “There’s two nurses in there now who I’m sure would be happy to—” Chellie holds out her hand to me, so I stop, pulling my lips in tightly.
“Doctor—” She only gets one word out as she squares up with the doctor before he interrupts her.
“Rest assured, ma’am, you do not want me on your son’s case. If I were his doctor, he’d be in a much worse condition.”
“Why, because you’re incompetent?”
His jaw ticks, but his smile remains cool and collected. “No, because I get the difficult cases. Now, if you’ll excuse me…I have a patient next door who’s already tried to die on me three times this morning.” The doctor walks away and Chellie turns to me, visibly offended.
“I cannot believe he just said that,” she says.
“Is Cora with you?” I change topics abruptly.
“No, uh, she’s at a hotel a few blocks away. She’s onboarding or deboarding or doing something with a new client and…” Her words die off as the nurses begin to wheel Caleb out of his room, his equipment in tow.
“They’re doing another CT scan this morning,” I explain. “To check if the swelling has gone down.”
Chellie clasps her purse in front of her jacket, holding on to it as her eyes remain glued to Caleb as they wheel him down the hall. “He’s…He looks…”
“I know,” I say, reaching out instinctively to hold her elbow. “C’mon. Come sit with us.”
“Winnifred,” Chellie says in greeting, her voice distant, as I help her into what had previously been my chair.
“Hi, Chellie,” Win answers back, then turns to me with a soft smile. “The nurse said his vitals were looking good. They’ll bring him back in about an hour and they should have the results of the CT scan soon after. It would probably be a good time for us to go get breakfast.”
“Do you want to go see Gus?” I ask her.
Win shakes her head. “I’m sticking with you. Bo’s taking her to some indoor playground for the day. We’ll switch off again after dinner for her bedtime routine.”
“Are you sure?”
“Definitely.”
I turn toward my mother-in-law, who’s looking more and more out of her element by the second. I suppose it is strange how quickly I’ve adapted to my surroundings but it’s not my first time in a place like this. “Chellie, are you hungry?”
“I couldn’t possibly eat hospital food.”
“It’s actually pretty good,” Win says. “They’ve got a bunch of fresh fruit and pastries and there’s even one of those fancy cappuccino machines.”
“Plus, I could use a change of scenery,” I add.
“I’ll stay here, in case he comes back early,” Chellie says, opening her purse just to shut it again. I exchange a look with Win and she nods, hearing me without a word needing to be spoken.
“You know what, I’m not really hungry, so could you just bring me back a coffee when you’re done?” I ask Win, who’s already standing.
“For sure.”
“Me too, please. A tea. Chamomile, if they have it.”
“You got it.”
I take Win’s seat and angle it toward Chellie. I watch as she looks everywhere but in my direction. The floor, the red plugs and buttons on the wall, the light on the ceiling, the hallway as a nurse passes by. “Chellie?”
“Hmm?” she returns absently.
“It’s okay to be upset.”
“Well, it won’t solve anything.”
“It might,” I offer. She turns to face me. “If it helps, almost every nurse that has come into this room in the past twelve hours has assured me that Caleb will probably not be here for very long.”
“Good.”
“He lost consciousness, so they had to sedate and intubate him, it’s hospital protocol.”
“Right.”
“But once the swelling on his brain subsides, they can take him off of it and—”
“I’ll speak with his doctor later, thank you,” she interrupts curtly, then pulls her phone out of her purse. I fall back into my chair, resigned. But just as I’m about to try again, to tell her that I am on her side, Chellie makes a call, putting her phone on speaker. On the sixth ring, Cyrus answers, his brief greeting drowned out by the sound of clinking dishware and many other voices.
“Darling, it’s me,” Chellie says loudly into the phone, holding it up to her mouth.
“Yes, hello?” Caleb’s father returns.
“I’ve just gotten to the hospital. I wanted to catch you before you go to bed.” This is the first time I’m hearing that Cyrus knows that Caleb is in the hospital. I suppose that’s not shocking, but it is disappointing considering he hasn’t reached out a single time for updates. Though he could be getting those from Chellie. But a check-in would have been appreciated too. Hello, daughter-in-law whom I’ve known for seventeen years…How are you holding up?
“It’s only seven P.M. , Chellie. I’m at a client dinner.”
Well, excuse the fuck out of your wife for not knowing what time it is in Beijing.
“I don’t know your schedule, Cyrus.”
Tell him, girl.
“Can this wait?” he asks.
Chellie’s face falls, and I swear I can see the faintest hint of tears gathering at the corners of her eyes. Which is a big deal considering I’ve never once seen this woman cry in all my years of orbiting their family. Not even at Opa’s funeral.
Chellie is built of steel. That mask I’ve never been able to wear well, the one of the good, calm, hospitable wife, has been her impenetrable armor she doesn’t seem to ever take off.
My heart hurts for her. For the first time, I feel pity for Michelle Linwood. I hate that she doesn’t feel able to ask for what she needs from her husband, which is clearly comfort. It’s tragic that she has become so excellent at covering up her own emotions that she’s no longer able to fall apart when the time calls forit.
That’s her baby they just wheeled out of the ICU. Her unconscious, hurt, only son. And if she doesn’t have the strength to ask for what she needs, then I’ll do it for her.
She clears her throat. “I suppose it can wait… But —”
“Great. I’ll call you back when—”
I rip the phone from Chellie and before I have a moment to regret it, I’m speaking. “Cyrus, it’s Sarah. Your son is in the ICU and your wife is freaking the fuck out and needs you. Say goodbye to your little friends and talk to your damn wife. Better yet consider getting on your buddy’s private jet and flying back here. Or at least offer to do so like a goddamn father should! Also, her name is Michelle and it’s a beautiful fucking name, you cantankerous, self-indulgent dick!” With a slow breath out, I calmly hand the phone back to Chellie, who is the definition of stunned.
“It’s for you,” I say far too calmly. She gawks at me, rendered speechless as she glances between the phone and my smug grin.
God, that felt good.
I stand up to leave, deciding that I am in the mood for breakfast after all.