30. Wesley
Wesley
“ Y ou’re sure about this?” Kendal asks, eyeing Avery and me as we hover over her desk. She’s sitting with an email pulled up to send to one of the magazines she’s freelanced for. Attached is the exclusive interview we did with her about our retirement.
It’s been two weeks since Christmas, and in that time we’ve worked with Lydia and Derek on next steps. We both have unfinished contracts that we need to buy ourselves out of. Albums we’ll never write. Or maybe we will, but we won’t be sharing them with anyone else.
Now we’re ready to tell the world.
“Do it,” Avery says. She finds my hand at my side and squeezes it.
And I can’t believe how lucky I am. We’re making it out of this together. We have a future that shines so bright it makes me squint.
Kendal jams her finger into the button and the message whooshes off.
With the world notified, I pull out my phone to tell our friends that it’s finally over.
Me
It’s official, we’re jobless losers.
Evelyn
Well, you were always a loser.
Jared
Congrats you two.
Avery
you’re all still in for one final show together?
It was Avery’s idea. She was talking about how we all started together and it’s a shame that we didn’t end the same way. After a few calls, everyone, well, almost everyone was on board.
Evelyn
My lovely brother seems to have lost his phone. Give me a week and I’ll see what I can do.
“I’ll visit him before the Atlanta show this weekend. I’m sure he’ll want to join,” Avery says.
But she doesn’t get the chance. Our flight is delayed due to unexpected hurricanes hitting the East Coast. We barely make it in time to the stadium to do a quick mic check before heading backstage to change.
“Hey, I’ve got some flowers for you,” a crew member says. “And we need you on deck in three.”
Flowers and congratulations have been coming in nonstop from people in the industry Avery and I have worked with, each with notes about memories they have with us. There are people who are disappointed, angry even, but mostly the response has been positive.
“Thanks, just put them down anywhere there’s space.” I nod to the counter as I finish tucking in my shirt.
I move to check myself in the mirror, but my eyes fix on the lilies. They could be from anyone, I reassure myself. My heart thunders as I pluck free the attached note.
Retiring, without saying goodbye? You’ve been naughty.
I’ve got us a reservation at 11 a.m. so you can make it up to me.
The last line is the address for a restaurant. It’s not a request. Retiring means Maddie stops making as much money off me because if I’m not promoting myself, some of the interest in Fool’s Gambit will die off.
I don’t have time for this. I need to be on stage. I float through the halls, not able to shake the feeling that I’ve made a mistake.
I should have thought of how she’d react. Made a plan for it. I can’t get away. Even when I’m finally fucking happy, there’s always something for her to take. I’ll never be safe, only trick myself into thinking I am.
It feels like I blink and land on the platform. I’m unsteady on my feet, swaying as I rise up onto the stage. The lights are hot against my skin, and my stomach roils with a wave of nausea. I take a step forward completely on autopilot.
The band starts to play, but I miss the intro, so they loop it again.
People in the front row of the crowd grow uneasy as they press against the metal barricade.
I finally land it the third time. Even then, it’s hard to call it a landing.
It’s more like I dive out of a moving car and barely survive the impact.
I’m supposed to move to the front of the stage and say something, welcome them to… Fuck, where are we? It doesn’t matter because we launch into the next song, managing to get it on the first try. I keep losing my grip on the microphone, my hand slick with sweat.
Halfway through, the crowd roars, eyes fixing on a point behind me. I turn and stop singing entirely. But she doesn’t so it doesn’t matter. Avery takes long deliberate strides toward me from across the stage. What is she doing here? It’s still my set and I have six more songs.
When she reaches me she tilts her mic into my face.
Keep singing.
She places her free hand on my chest, under the open flap of my button down. Her skin against mine. I look down. Her ring. I meet her eyes. Pure concern swirling in the streaks of green.
It grounds me enough to make it through the rest of the songs.
“Take him. I’ll handle the rest,” Avery says the moment we’re off stage. I’m still in a daze, drenched in sweat that causes my clothes to stick against my already tight skin.
She unwraps her arm from where it was around my waist and someone is there beside me. A security guy with tattoos.
Then she’s gone. I reach for her, but she’s gone.
“I’ve got you,” whoever she handed me off to says. The voice is soft and low. He walks with me back to my dressing room.
When he reaches out for the doorknob, I cock my head. “You have the same tattoo as this guy I know. A spade on your arm.” I don’t say the rest, how the spade is part of a set that all of us got. Jared with a club, Garrett a heart, Luca a spade, and me a diamond.
“Who else do you know that has one?” He flicks off the lights as we walk in, so it takes a moment for my eyes to adjust and recognize the broad-shouldered man.
“Luca. What are you doing here?” “I missed your first show. I thought I could at least come to this one and see why Evelyn is up my ass about joining you guys.”
He came. That single thought breaks through the clouds cluttering my mind. Luca is here.
“Were you backstage this entire time?” I ask.
“I was a few rows back.”
“Did it look bad?” It doesn’t matter. It’s done. Talking is good. It keeps me breathing. Keeps my mind in the moment.
I’m here. I’m safe.
“Not to everyone else.” He shakes his head. “Just a bit of a stumble and they probably forgot after Avery came on stage. If there’s any coverage on it, they’ll probably just call it overly romantic.”
“But you knew?”
“I knew,” he confirms, giving the slightest nod.
“Because it happened to you too. Bet it feels great for me to get some karma.” I release a strangled laugh.
But I know that’s not all of it. We still know each other. No matter how much time passes that will never change. We met at an age when we were still learning who we were, and because of it, he’s a part of me.
“I did. And I know that I felt like shit after.” His shoulders relax as a new understanding settles between us. “What do you need?”
“Some water would be nice,” I say. My throat is raw and the water he brings back helps cool it.
He sits with me in silence as I do my best to settle into my surroundings.
Ground myself with the techniques I’ve discussed with Dr. Davis.
Feel the cracked leather of the couch, the rough outer seam of my pants.
Count the tattoos on Luca’s arms. Listen to the patter of footsteps outside.
Taste the tacky way my tongue sticks to my mouth.
I wrestle back control with what I’ve learned and that in itself feels like a victory.
“Hey, are you doing all right?” Avery’s voice is muted through the door.
“Come in.” I’m slumped against the couch. I’m sapped of energy, but I feel connected to myself again.
“I can leave now that everything is good here,” Luca says as he rises out of his chair.
“Stay. There’s something that you both should hear.
” Though I’ve told Avery most of what happened, there’s still something that I’ve withheld.
One truth I’ve kept locked away, terrified of confronting.
And if they look at me differently once they know, I’ll find a way to live with it.
But I’m tired of Maddie having power over me.
“I think it’s time that I told you both about what really happened that night on Avery’s birthday. ”