34. Asher
34
ASHER
Pissed didn’t even begin to describe how I was feeling right now. I wanted to be understanding of what Jade was going through. I really did. But for her to go to Holly’s shop and manipulate her was going too far.
The elevator let me off at her floor and I stomped down the hallway to her room. I didn’t give anyone warning that I was coming. Maybe I should have, but I had been too angry to think about anything other than the fact that Jade had gone a step too far.
My fist landed with a loud thud against the door over and over until she swung it open, shocked at the anger on my face.
“Asher—”
I shoved past her into the room, spinning on her as I did my best to tamp down the worst of my rage. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
Her mouth dropped and she took a step back in fear. “I—what do you mean?”
“I’m talking about you showing up at Holly’s store—telling her stories about our past. Why the hell would you do that?”
The door swung open and Chase stormed in, glaring at me like I was a piece of shit. “Do you want to make a little more noise? I’m not sure the rest of the floor heard you yet?”
“Tell me!” I said, ignoring Chase.
“Asher, you have to understand?—”
“I don’t have to understand anything. Why would you go there?”
“Go where?” Chase asked in confusion.
“To Holly’s shop.”
Chase’s gaze snapped to Jade’s in question. “You went to Holly’s?”
“Patrick took me. I just wanted to meet her.”
“You mean intimidate her,” I accused.
“Well, if she can’t handle it, that’s not my problem,” Jade snapped.
I barked out a laugh at that. “Handle it? Jade, this isn’t your father’s world we’re living in. What you did was downright shitty.”
“What I did was check out the woman my husband’s sleeping with,” she argued, crossing her arms over her chest. “You’re married to me, yet I haven’t said a word about the fact that you went to her last night. How do you think it makes me feel that you were in her bed last night?”
“That’s none of your business!” I shouted.
“We’re still married! How can you say none of this is my business?” she cried out. “I woke up and you weren’t there! You were supposed to be by my side for the rest of my life and you left me!”
“It was the other way around, Jade. I didn’t leave you. You chose to take those pills. You chose to get in that van and drive it into a fucking tree. You fucking left me!” I shouted, slamming my fist into my chest. “Every single fucking thing I promised you was gone in the blink of an eye. You didn’t fucking trust me to take care of you. When you were hurting, you didn’t turn to me for help. When you couldn’t sleep, when you couldn’t stop the pain, you didn’t trust me to help. How the fuck do you think that made me feel?”
“You had so much on your plate already!” she cried, tears filling her eyes. “You were trying to save us all. I was just trying to get through the day. I didn’t want you to have to worry about me.”
“Well, guess what. I was already worried about you. Every since fucking minute of every single day. My plan changed from bringing down The Syndicate to just getting us out of there alive so I could give you a normal life. You stole that chance from me the moment you drove the van into a fucking tree.”
Tears spilled down her cheeks as she shook her head at me. “Asher…I was hurting. I…I don’t know what else to tell you. I was so lost and there was nothing you could do for me.”
“Nothing you wanted to let me do for you,” I corrected.
“Asher—” Chase warned.
But I was beyond dancing around her issues. I did that before and look where it got me. If we were going to lay this to rest, we had to get to the truth.
“Our marriage died that day, Jade. Whatever we had, it all fucking died that day.”
“Please don’t say that,” she sniffled. “Please don’t…don’t say that.”
I hated to see her cry. I always hated it when she cried, but this time, there was too much at risk. Holly was at risk, and I couldn’t put anyone above her.
“This has to end. The cycle of us hurting each other has to be over.”
“But—but I love you,” she cried. “And I know you still love me!”
“Jade, I will always love you, but not like you need me to. That part of my life is over.”
“No!” she shouted, running at me and pounding her fists into my chest. “I don’t accept that! We were good together! Everything about us was so perfect!”
I laughed. I couldn’t help it. “Is that what you think?” I asked, catching her fists and holding them tight. “You think our relationship was so fucking perfect? We were toxic for each other, Jade.”
“No, it was?—”
“You can’t see it now, but I had a lot of fucking time to think about it. Every fucking second after you were gone—nights when all I thought about was your death and how I didn’t save you. It played on repeat in my head. It still does. And you know what I figured out?” She shook her head at me. “We were so wrong for each other. So fucking wrong,” I whispered.
She yanked her wrists out of my grasp and stepped back, covering her mouth as a look of horror streaked across her face. “Take that back.”
“It’s the truth.”
“No—”
“Yes! I wanted so badly to be what you needed, but I missed every fucking sign there was that you needed help. Maybe I didn’t want to see it. Our whole relationship was a fucking lie! And if you really loved me as much as you said you did, you wouldn’t have tried to kill yourself like that. You wouldn’t have put me through that!”
“I didn’t want to feel any more pain!” she cried out.
“Well, you put me through fucking hell for two goddamn years!” I shouted, losing my shit. “I couldn’t sleep without dreaming about your death over and over again. I woke up every morning puking my guts up. I drank myself to sleep every night, hoping that it would help to lessen the nightmares, but it never fucking worked. You were always there, always pleading with me to save you.”
“Asher, don’t!” Chase snapped.
“And then Chase and Patrick came for me. They tried to bring me back. Do you know what they found?”
She shook her head slowly.
“They found a man who was drunk more than he was sober. I was barely functioning most days, living in some rundown cabin. I didn’t talk to anyone, and when I did, half the time, I was ready to kill someone.”
“Asher, I’m sorry,” she whispered.
I huffed out a laugh. “I still have your fucking pills.”
“My what?”
“The pills,” I stressed. “The ones you were carrying on you that day. I carried them with me as a reminder of how I failed you. Do you know how many times I thought about swallowing them and ending it all so I could join you?”
“Alright, that’s enough,” Chase stepped in front of me, pressing his hand to my chest. “Enough, man.”
“No, she came here to win me back and she didn’t believe me when I said it was over. She needs to know why. Move.”
His jaw clenched, but he stepped aside. “Just remember…”
I always fucking remembered.
Jade was sobbing, wiping her eyes on the sleeves of her shirt. “Asher…I never thought…I never meant for any of this to happen. I…Please. We can start over. I know we can get back what we had,” she pleaded.
“You’re fucking toxic to me!” I shouted, getting through to her the only way I knew how.
She gasped, clutching her chest as if I had stabbed her. “Asher…”
“I almost put a bullet in my head and ended it all, Jade. I was this fucking close,” I snapped. “If it wasn’t for Chase tackling me to the ground, I would be dead right now. I was there. I was ready to end my fucking life because I had failed you. I just wanted all the pain to stop. I was about to do the same fucking thing to them that you had done to me. Don’t you get it? We were not good together. We didn’t fit. We destroyed each other!”
She collapsed into hiccuping sobs on the couch, barely holding it together. If I were the man I used to be, I would go to her and comfort her, but that couldn’t be me anymore. Gone were the days of taking care of each other. It was time for us to both move on. She had to find someone who would love her for her, and me to live my life the way I needed to.
“Not sure that was the nicest way to handle things,” Chase muttered.
“I’m done being nice. That never got me anywhere with her.”
“That’s a little harsh.”
“Maybe. But what we both needed was a reality check, and neither of us got it until it was too late.”
He sighed, shaking his head. “I don’t agree with it, but I get it. I’ll make sure she gets wherever she needs to go.”
“I appreciate that.”
“What are you going to do about the divorce?”
“I contacted a lawyer today. I’m waiting to hear back from him.”
He nodded. “Well, I hope it all works out the way you want.”
“Me too.”
“You’d better go. I don’t think sticking around is a good idea.”
I looked back at Jade, still in tears on the couch. My heart was telling me to go to her, but my head was telling me that would only start the cycle over again. So, I turned on my heel and walked out the door.
Back to Holly.
Back to my life.
The moment Holly opened the door, I pulled her into my arms and held on as if she might disappear at any second. I knew I should let her go and tell her what was going on, but I needed these few minutes to anchor myself to this life that I was so afraid of losing.
“Everything okay?” she asked as she stepped back.
“Yeah, I think so.”
“That doesn’t sound very promising.”
“I said what I had to say and I think this time she actually heard me. Chase too. He said he would take her wherever she needed to go.”
Surprise lit her face. “So, she’s leaving?”
I nodded, feeling a huge weight leave my chest. “Yeah, I think she really is.”
“Asher…I’m so sorry about all this. I can’t even imagine what it was like to have her come back from the dead and?—”
“I didn’t handle it the best,” I laughed. “It could have gone better all around. Then again, if I had just answered my phone when Chase called, I would have found out a long time ago.”
“Why weren’t you answering him?” she asked curiously, pulling me over to the couch.
“Because when he called the first time, I had this horrible dream. It was about Jade, only you somehow worked your way into it. It scared the hell out of me. I thought for sure it was some kind of premonition that if I let him back into my life, you would somehow be put in danger.”
“And do you still believe that?”
I thought about it and shook my head. “No. I think my mind was telling me what I feared the most.”
“So…where does that leave us?”
I turned to her, unsure of where she was going with this. “Where does that leave us in what way?”
Her eyes dropped and she focused solely on her fingers as they fiddled with the blanket draped over the back of the couch. “I guess what I’m asking is…does that mean you want to go back to your old job?”
I barked out a laugh, pulling her into my arms. “Where did you get that idea?”
“Where do you think?”
“Baby, you can’t listen to things Jade said.”
“But she had a point.”
“About what?”
“That it’s in your blood. The whole…adrenaline junkie, fast-paced life thing. She said you were drawn to it and that one day you would want to go back.”
“Yeah, I am drawn to that life. I had some good times, and there are stories I could tell you that would make you laugh at how stupid I was.”
“And?”
“And I also like my life the way it is now. I come home to you every night. There’s nobody shooting at me. I don’t carry a gun every day, and I find I don’t mind. I like knowing that my job doesn’t put you in danger. Unless I really piss off a customer, which I have no intention of doing.”
“But what about the excitement? Aren’t you worried you’re going to get bored?”
“With you?” I laughed. “Not possible.”
She rolled her eyes at me. “You know what I mean. I just want you to be sure. I would hate for you to make this decision and then five years down the road, decide that it wasn’t what you wanted.”
“Baby, if that day ever came, I would discuss it with you. I wouldn’t make the decision alone. But I like that you’re thinking about us five years from now. But now that you brought it up, I have to tell you that Chase asked me to go back to OPS.” She flinched at my words. “Cash, my old boss, has gone off the rails and is missing or something. He left his family and is seeking revenge for the men who killed his brother.”
She nodded, swallowing hard. “Are you going to do it?”
“It wasn’t in my plans. I just thought you should know about it. I didn’t want there to be any secrets between us. And if there comes a day that I decide I need to go back, I didn’t want to tell you I’d known about it for months, but hadn’t told you.”
A smile tugged at her lips. “Thank you for that.”
I shrugged. “I do what I can to be a good boyfriend.”
Her hand skimmed over the scruff along my jaw and she sighed. “You’ve far exceeded my expectations.”
“I aim to please. So, what do you want to do tonight? Should we go out? Get some dinner?”
“Honestly? I don’t want to go anywhere. I just want to sit here and watch TV with you.” She winced, embarrassed by her choice of activities. “Is that okay?”
“Sitting on the couch and fondling you all night? I’m game.”
“I said nothing about fondling.”
“That’s what I heard. Sit on the couch and be fondled by my boyfriend.”
A pillow came flying at my head, but I quickly ducked, avoiding getting smacked in the face, only to be hit by the secondary pillow I hadn’t seen coming.
“Whatever happened to my boyfriend, the gentleman?”
I climbed over her, caging her under my body. “I don’t recall ever calling myself a gentleman.” I nipped at her neck, sliding my hand under her shirt to palm her breast. Forget fondling. I was going to fuck her right here on the couch. “Baby, you’re wearing entirely way too much clothing.”
“Not for watching TV!”
“The TV’s not on,” I murmured, sliding my tongue along her neck.
“I can turn it on,” she said, pushing at my chest.
“It’s broken,” I mumbled, snapping the buttons on her jeans. “A bat flew in here yesterday and attacked the TV.”
My fingers slid into her pussy just as she attempted to protest.
“Asher—ah!”
“What’s that, baby?”
Her fingers dug into my shoulders as I pumped my fingers in and out of her while thumbing her clit. “Ash…”
“That’s right, baby. Soak my fingers. Come all over me,” I whispered in her ear.
“I—God, Asher!” I ground my cock against her thigh as her nails dug painfully into my shoulder. She was so close, so fucking?—
The shrill sound of my phone ringing interrupted the perfect sounds of her panting in my ears. But I didn’t stop. Not when she was so close.
“Come on, baby. Almost there. I can feel you squeezing me. Imagine it was my cock inside you, filling you up.”
Her thighs started to quiver and then her legs snapped shut, trapping my hand in her pussy as she cried out. I captured her lips in mine, swallowing her cries until her heart stopped racing and her legs finally fell open, releasing me from their death grip.
I pressed kisses to her neck as I lazily stroked her, loving the way she shivered from my touch. I couldn’t imagine ever going back to my place again. That one night away from her was agony. I never wanted to do it again.
“I want to live with you, Holly.”
She chuckled. “We practically live together already.”
I rubbed my nose along her jaw, continuing to stroke her. “Then let’s make it official. I’ll live with you or you can live with me. Or we can find a new place together. I don’t give a shit. But I never want to be away from you again.”
“Asher,” she said, her head jerking toward mine. “Isn’t this a little too soon?”
“You know I’m in love with you. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you. If I didn’t think you’d flip out, I’d ask you to marry me right now.”
“It’s too soon for that.”
“Which is why I said we should live together,” I grinned. “If you kick me out ever again, you’ll do it knowing I have nowhere else to go.”
She shivered as I slid my fingers back inside her.
“You know I belong right here with you. Let’s make it official.”
She bit her lip, shaking it slightly. “Not until you’re divorced. I just…I can’t, Asher.”
Disappointment flooded me, but I held back the pain because what she was asking for wasn’t unreasonable. Kissing her, I pretended I was fine with it. “I understand, Holly Bear.”
“I do want to live with you, but?—”
“Hey, you don’t have to explain.” And she really didn’t. How many other women had been in her situation, swearing the man they were with promised he would get a divorce? It didn’t matter how much she trusted me. This was something she needed, and I would get it for her, no matter what it took.
My phone rang again, and I extracted my hand from her despite wanting to take her to bed and finish what I had started. “Hang on, baby.
I grabbed the phone and answered. “Yeah, this is Asher.”
“Asher, this is Greg from the law firm.”
I sat up, no longer interested in sex. “Hang on.” I put him on speakerphone so Holly would hear everything I was. “I have you on speakerphone with my girlfriend. What did you find out?”
“Well, it’s pretty cut and dry. Your wife was declared dead. According to the law, your marriage was officially over when her death certificate was signed.”
“What about if she tried to challenge it since she wasn’t actually dead?”
“It still wouldn’t matter. Legally, your marriage is over. Even if you wanted to be married, you’d have to remarry. You are essentially a single man.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. It was over. It was really over. “What about paperwork? Her assets and things I inherited from her?”
“That’s up to you. I would assume that since you’re no longer married and she’s alive, you would like to return those assets to her?” he asked, almost as if he was hoping my answer would be yes.
“That would be the ideal way to handle this.”
“She’ll first need to get an amended death certificate. It won’t be over by Tuesday. But I would assume she’s already started the process if she’s been alive as long as you say.”
“Alright, I’ll check into that and let you know what I need help with.”
“I look forward to hearing from you.”
“Thanks, Greg.”
“Any time.”
I ended the call and breathed for the first time since I saw Jade in that restaurant. “It’s over,” I whispered. Holly clasped her hand in mine, and when I looked up at her, tears filled her eyes. “It’s really over.”
She nodded, bursting into tears.
“Hey. Hey, why are you crying?” I cupped her cheeks, brushing away the tears. The waterworks had really kicked in and it was starting to concern me. “Tell me what’s going on.”
She wiped her tears and smiled. “I’m not your mistress.”
“Thank God,” I laughed. “Mistress Holly Bear would be a terrible name.”
She nodded. “I’m just glad I didn’t have to fight her. I’m like sixty percent sure I would have lost to her.”
“Not a chance in hell,” I chuckled.
She nodded seriously, her eyes wide as saucers. “She hugged me. I felt the power in those arms. I would have flopped like a pancake. Which is pretty pathetic since she was in a coma for four years.”
I couldn’t help but smile at that. “And yet, I still would have chosen you if you had become a pancake.”
“Even if I was all mushy?”
“Especially then. Then I could lick you up.”
She grimaced, smacking me on the chest. “Gross. You know, there’s a time and a place.”
“Holly Bear, I just fingered you on the couch. This is the time and place.”
“Yes, but?—”
“No buts. And since I’m no longer married, you know what this means.”
She leaned back, trying to get away from me as I moved closer. “You’re going to make a drastic change and cut your hair.”
“Nope.”
“You need to find a different insurance company.”
“Not even close.”
She stood and backed around the couch, but I chased her. There was no way she was making any excuses. “You’ve decided that you need a new vehicle and you’re getting a sports car.”
I chased her down and grabbed her around the waist, pulling her against me. “You have exactly ten seconds to decide if you want to live in this house or buy a new one. Then I’m making the decision for us.”
“But—”
“Ten.”
“Asher, I can’t make this kind of decision in ten seconds.”
“Six.”
“That was not four seconds!”
“Three.”
“This is hardly fair. You’re not even giving me a chance?—”
I kissed her hard, spinning us. We fell over the back of the couch onto the cushions with our lips still fused together. When we finally came up for air, I grinned at her.
“Looks like we’re going house shopping, Holly Bear.”
She nodded breathlessly. “Yeah, alright.”