Chapter 11
Eleven
Ayla
I ended up spending almost another hour with the men, learning how to flip them. When that was done, I needed a bath. I'd spent enough time wrestling with the guys that I had to hurry to get clean. I almost felt bad about it, since I should be worrying about Meri, but if I hurried, I wouldn't be late.
Rymar had said he had to go to City Hall, but he assured me there wasn't a time limit. Still, I rushed through getting dressed, choosing my favorite pale-green dress. I wanted to look good, demure, and not too strange when I saw Meri again.
When I returned to the living room, Rymar looked up, then froze in the way that only Dragons could. Everything about him paused, as if he wasn't even breathing. When he started moving again, he blinked first, then the rest of his muscles relaxed, making me giggle.
"I can't do that," I told him.
"Lizard thing," he admitted. "Our muscles have a torpor state. It allows us to freeze because some things hunt off movement."
"Oh."
Then he stood tipping his head at the door. "Ready?"
"I think so," I said, holding my arms out a bit for inspection. "I don't know what else I'd need."
"The book." Then Rymar shoved a hand into his pocket and passed me a handful of paper. "Money," he said. "Just in case you girls decide to do anything."
"You can pay for Meri," Zasen called from the kitchen as I hurried to get the English copy of my favorite book from the shelf in Zasen's room. "And make sure you eat! It's almost lunchtime," he called, raising his voice so it followed me.
"Okay," I promised, coming back with the hardbound copy in my hands. "Tell Kanik I appreciate the lesson."
"He knows," Rymar assured me. "Bye, Zasen. "
"Bye, Zasen," I mimicked.
"Have fun," Zasen called after us.
"Bye, Ayla!" Kanik's voice called down from the second floor.
I just shook my head and followed Rymar out. These men insisted there was nothing wrong with yelling through the house, but I couldn't do it. Too many years of being taught that a lady did not raise her voice - and certainly didn't yell down the halls - made it one of those things I simply couldn't shake.
"So," Rymar said, falling in beside me once we reached the road, "are you going to tell me what that moment was about with you and Zasen earlier?"
"When?" I asked. "And what do you mean by 'that' moment?"
He shook his head and chuckled. "When you pulled him to his feet and you both got lost in each other's eyes." Shifting closer, he draped his arm over me, hugging my neck. "Do you like the man, Ayla?"
I tensed at the contact, but forced myself to relax. This was Rymar, and he was my friend. Kanik said it was okay for Dragons to touch this way, and I was a Dragon now. I'd always been one, which may have been why I'd been so defiant, but I hadn't known that until a few weeks ago when I'd learned the woman across the street was my sister. So this was okay. I was okay. I also didn't really know how to answer Rymar's question.
"Zasen is my friend," I mumbled, "but he looked at me the same way as he did before he kissed me."
Suddenly, Rymar jerked back and his head snapped over to look at me. "He kissed you?" he demanded.
"Yeah, when Kanik told you," I explained. "It was after the last battle, when we were leaving Saveah's. It was after she saw my ring and the serpent on it. We walked outside, Zasen said he'd treat my wound, then kissed me. Kanik held my hand afterwards."
"Wait," Rymar begged. "Why was Kanik telling me that Zasen kissed you? And how did Zasen kiss you?" Confusion had taken over his expression. "I don't remember any of this."
"It was when Kanik came downstairs for the town meeting," I explained. "And then you said you'd teach me to use profanity."
Rymar just nodded his head slowly. "And I was half asleep." He nodded one more time. "Right. So you told Zasen it was okay to kiss you?"
"Well, it just kinda happened," I mumbled.
Those turquoise eyes of his held mine for a little too long. Even though our feet were moving, it felt like the world had paused between us right up until he sighed.
"I'm going to sting that fucker!" he grumbled. "He just up and kissed you?"
"It didn't hurt," I quickly assured him.
"Maybe not," Rymar agreed, "but you didn't exactly give permission either. That dumb fuck! I made it clear..." He ended with a growl instead of words.
"I didn't mean to get him in trouble!" I hurried to explain. "I thought it was allowed. That it's okay for Dragons to touch!"
Pushing out a sigh, Rymar reached up to rub my closest shoulder. "There's nothing wrong with doing it," he explained, "if both people want to. Ayla, you've made it clear you don't want to be with a man like that. You just want friends, not kissing or sex. You don't want to get married. You don't want to have children. How many times have you told us that?"
"But it didn't hurt!" I said again, trying to make him understand. "Rymar, I always thought it would hurt! When Reynold Saunders kissed me, he shoved my lips against my teeth and banged our faces together. It didn't feel like that when Zasen kissed me. And then Zasen just walked away. He didn't expect me to do that with him!"
Which made Rymar murmur under his breath. "Okay, I won't sting him, but I will yell at him. Ayla, what he did? Kissing you without permission - even if it ended up okay? That's wrong. That's the sort of thing you need to tell me about, okay?"
I could feel my brow wrinkling on my forehead. "Okay, but why?"
"It's called consent," he explained. "You always have the right to not only say no to something, but also have it respected. If you say no and someone just walks all over that?" A grumble sounded deep in his throat. "Fuck, he knows better."
"But I didn't really mind," I insisted.
"And I get that." Rymar pushed a smile to his lips, but it looked fake - worried, almost. "The important thing is you don't have to do it, Ayla. You can pull away - "
"Or slap him," I broke in. "Yes, Kanik told me that. But I didn't want to." I paused, chewing on my lip.
Talking about this was weird, but I didn't want Zasen to get in trouble. That kiss hadn't hurt, and I wouldn't have known if he hadn't done it. Now I did, and I could see why the kisses in those forbidden books had been so desirable. I'd always thought they were just fantasy, but everything on the surface was a fantasy to me!
"I may have changed my mind about the kissing," I mumbled, sure that was something horrible to say out loud.
"Wait." Rymar brushed my hand even as he stopped. "Was that before or after he kissed you?"
"After."
Rymar simply grumbled again, sounding like he was disappointed. "Fucking asshole," he muttered under his breath. Then he raised his voice again. "So you're no longer opposed to kissing at all? "
I shrugged, trying to think of an answer, but we'd made it all the way to the main cross street. Even worse, a group of women were headed towards us, and I was sure this was one of those things I shouldn't talk about in public.
"No. I mean, I dunno," I fumbled. "I like the kind of kisses Drozel gave Omden. I mean, I think I would and when Zasen kissed me, it could've been like that, and that seems okay, but it was two men, and that makes it different, right? Because men are strong and can push someone back, or slap them to the ground, or - "
My voice faded as those people heading towards us got close enough to possibly hear what I was saying. Telling Rymar was hard. Saying this around other women? Especially ones I didn't know? That was not about to happen.
But the trio of women weren't looking at me. Their eyes were on my friend. Granted, his brilliant colors were hard to miss. Just as they passed us, the one in front flashed Rymar a smile, and the kind the elders would've punished a girl for using back in the compound.
"Hi, Rymar!" she called, all three of them smiling and wiggling their fingers in his direction.
"Ladies," he replied politely before turning back to me as if shutting them out. "See, Ayla, there's a difference between being polite and letting others take advantage of you."
"Zasen wouldn't - " I tried.
"He might unintentionally," Rymar broke in. "But my point is that just because someone flirts with you, you're not required to flirt back, let them kiss you, or anything else you don't want to do. You also can do any or all of those things if you want." He flicked a finger towards the ladies, who were now on the other side of the street and heading away. "Like that. I was polite without offering anything."
"Oh." I quickly thought back to those smiles and the way all three had looked him over. "So they were doing the flirting?" I asked.
"Yep," he agreed, refusing to look back. "It's an invitation for me to talk to them, then they talk to me, then we date. If dating goes well, then we can become partners. Boyfriends, girlfriends, that sort of thing. And if that goes well - which usually takes many months, maybe even years - then we can move in and become a family."
"Get married?" I asked.
"Or not get married," he agreed. "Saveah and Tasult didn't get married, but they were a family."
"Because of the kids, yes."
"Before the kids," he corrected. "But that's more than just friends, Ayla. It's called being lovers. The affection starts as like and grows to love. If it doesn't, there's nothing wrong with ending the relationship - which it sounds like Moles couldn't do. And usually, that kind of relationship starts with a kiss, so now I'm wondering what would you do if Zasen, or Kanik, or even I liked you that way? Maybe someone else? Even a woman?"
"For kissing?" I knew that wasn't the right phrase, but it was all I had right now. "I don't know. Rymar, everything's so different here."
"Well, think about it," he said. "Because at some point, you're going to have to explain to Meri that Jeera and Brielle are lovers, and that it's okay. And who knows? Maybe she'll eventually want someone to help her raise her baby. Someone she can love back, Ayla. Or someone you could. It's allowed, and it happens all the time, but I don't really know how to help you ladies understand it can actually be not only safe, but also a good thing."
"I think you just did," I said softly, daring to look over and meet his turquoise eyes. "Rymar, you don't even see it, but I do. "
"See what?"
"Those women were wanton toward you, but you didn't take advantage of it, and you've never hurt anyone!"
"I have," he said.
"Not like that! Have you?"
"No," he swore. "Not like that. I've hurt Moles, and I've hurt people who hurt me or my friends. I've accidentally hurt people I've dated because we didn't work out, but heartbreak isn't an intentional pain." Then he reached up to rub my shoulder. "And I've never hurt someone with sex, Ayla. Never. If I did, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself."
I nodded, truly believing him. "I can see that." But when he angled me away from the market, I realized I had no clue where we were going. "Rymar, where does Jeera live?"
"On the far side of town," he explained. "Brielle owns a house over there, and Jeera moved in about a year ago."
"So it's Brielle's house?" I asked.
Rymar hummed at that. "It's theirs now. Brielle gave Jeera half. It's what people do when they like each other enough. They merge their things."
"Like you and Kanik?" I asked.
Rymar stuttered a bit at that, making sounds but no real words. "Um, not exactly. Kinda?"
I laughed once. "I don't know what that means."
"Well..." He draped his arm over my shoulder again and leaned in.
Before he could finish his thought, a guy at one of the stalls near the street called out, "Hey, Rymar! How's it going?"
The man was bright red with pale patches on his shoulders. The colors were vivid, but not as intense as Rymar's. Then there was the man's chest, which reminded me of Zasen's muscles, even if this man wasn't as tall.
"Good, Qavan," Rymar called back. "Just going to visit friends."
"Gonna be at the cafe later?" Qavan called back.
"Not today," Rymar said. "Tomorrow, probably."
Which made the man wave and turn back to what he'd been doing. Rymar just shook his head, then picked up where he'd left off.
"Well, Kanik is my friend. We've known each other since childhood, so he's more like a brother to me." He ducked his head, glancing at me from the corner of his eye. "I won't kiss him."
"Oh." I nodded, and we kept walking, but Rymar just kept watching me.
Probably because my thoughts had just taken off again. I'd seen two men kiss. I knew Jeera and Brielle were girlfriends, which meant they kissed - I just hadn't seen it. Men also kissed women, and all my friends insisted it could be just as loving, but I hadn't seen that either.
But Rymar liked Kanik as a brother. That much I could follow. It made perfect sense. I liked Meri as a sister. Callah too! Plus, Zasen had kissed me, and that hadn't felt bad. Not wrong, not painful, nor any other type of bad I could think of. The best part had been how Kanik had seen and hadn't been upset.
"You should also know," Rymar said, breaking into my spinning thoughts, "that most people only share money and things when they're romantically involved."
I nodded, but then paused. "What exactly does that mean?" Because I figured it was better to ask and be sure.
"Dating," he said, then groaned. "Kissing, Ayla. Usually sleeping together, but keep in mind, most people don't think that's a bad thing."
"Is that why Kanik didn't want your money stuff?" I asked. "He doesn't want to kiss or share a bed with you?"
Rymar slowly began to chuckle. "Um, 'sleeping together' is a phrase that means having sex. Usually, it's because people fall asleep afterwards, but not always." He waved that away. "And no, Kanik doesn't want to kiss or fuck me."
"Fuck," I breathed, trying to memorize the easy way he used that word. "Okay."
"See," he said, "some people only like men that way. Others only like women. Some like both, and some like none." He shrugged. "I like both, and yes, I think Kanik is very handsome."
That made my feet stutter to a halt. "Really?"
He nodded. "Zasen is handsome too, but we've been friends too long for me to think of him that way. Kanik? I used to have a crush on him, but he doesn't like me like that." He reached up to push his orangey-red hair back. "So, yeah. I thought that was why he kept refusing my help."
"I think it was just embarrassment," I assured him. "Kanik likes to help, not be helped. You should've seen him when I wouldn't let him help me clean."
Rymar grinned at that. "I think you have us all figured out. Next time my roommates confuse me, I know who I'll ask for help." And he pointed right at me.
"Promise," I said. Then, "So how do I know?"
"Which part?"
I made a little gesture, trying to find my words. "If I want to kiss someone. If it's even okay to want it. Do women even do that? Or are we just supposed to wait to be kissed?"
He chuckled, but before he could answer, another voice made us both look up the street.
"Ry!" a tailless woman said, hurrying up to wrap her arms around him. "You never came back to see me."
"Sorry, Shannel," he told her, easing her back. "I've been a little busy lately."
So she trailed a nail down his neck. "You haven't replaced me already, have you?"
"No, I've been - " he tried.
She didn't let him finish. "Or did you seduce the new Mole too?" Her tone had turned acidic.
"Shannel," Rymar said, his voice holding a warning.
"Well, you've clearly gotten close with her !" And she looked right at me .
His reply came hard and fast. "I didn't come see you because we can't even have a whole conversation without you telling me I'm wrong," he snarled into her face. "And you're doing it again. I'm here with my friend, you're trying to insult her, and you think that's going to what? Impress me? No. I didn't take you on another date because I don't actually like you."
"Asshole!" she huffed. "Fuck you, Rymar."
"Did that!" he shot back before turning me up the street again. "Let's go, Ayla."
Wow. That had not been at all polite! Her, mostly, because I was impressed at how brazenly Rymar had put her in her place. Granted, I didn't know if that was a good thing or not, but it sure felt like she'd deserved it. Mostly because of the way she'd sneered at me!
"Sorry," he mumbled when we were far enough away.
"I don't know what just happened," I admitted, the pair of us still walking.
Rymar sighed heavily. "You know how I said you can end things if they aren't working? Well, she's one of those things that didn't work," he admitted. "Fuck. I'm just shit at love, if I'm honest. It's like..." He let his head drop to his chest. "Never mind. That's not really your problem."
So I glanced back, making sure the rude woman was out of sight, then stopped again. "You're my friend," I said, catching his hand. "I don't have to understand to listen, and sometimes it's nice to just tell someone, even if they don't get it. I used to tell Meri and Callah all about my books, so I know that from experience."
"Thank you," he said, letting his fingers curl against mine. "But it's not your problem. I was supposed to be helping you understand things, not making it worse."
A little giggle slipped from my lips. I bit it back, trying not to embarrass him. "Rymar, are you a desirable prospect?" I teased. "Because everyone seems to want to talk to you. If we were in the compound, I'd say they were trying to catch your eye so you'd propose, and I'm not sure of the right phrase here, but you know what I mean."
Which made him laugh a bit. "Well, I'm pretty well known in town because I'm the deputy mayor."
"The second-in-charge of Lorsa," I said, showing I knew that.
He nodded. "Yeah. I also have very bright colors, and to people here, that's a sign of beauty. Kinda like..." He paused. "Do the Moles have something like that? Maybe long hair on a woman? Muscles on men?"
"Both," I agreed. "Women who had to cut their hair for any reason were mocked as being disgusting, or manly, even. Men with muscles are fit and considered good providers, although none of them have muscles like Dragons."
"Well, people think I'm attractive," he said, sounding like it was nothing more than an explanation - not bragging. "The problem is, none of them want to know me. They like my looks, or my job, or how much money I have. Some of them - like Shannel - don't actually like me . They like what they think I can do for them."
"That's the way the men looked at women in the compound," I said. "Like we weren't people. "
"Yeah," he breathed. "That's why I want to make sure kissing someone is your decision, Ayla. Not Zasen's - or anyone else who tries. I want to make it clear you can talk to me and that I get it. We're friends like that, and if anyone tries - even Zasen - you can tell me, and I will make sure they stop trying."
"Thank you," I breathed. "I just feel stupid asking about it."
"And yet you'll have to explain it to Meri," he countered. "I get it, Ayla. Trust me, I know how much it sucks to be treated like an object, and how hard it is to trust anyone afterwards."
"Because you don't trust people?" I asked.
He shrugged. "I trust our friends."
I looked up at him in a whole new way. "Yeah, me too, and you're one of mine."
The smile he gave me this time was soft - and deeper than any I'd seen on him before. Like it reached all the way down into his soul. "That's all I want. Ayla, I just want to make sure you always have someone you can trust. I think you deserve nothing less."
I nodded, squeezing his hand again. "Only if you agree to let me do the same for you."
"That," he swore, "is more than fair. Now let's make sure you know your way around Lorsa, hm?"
And he let go of my hand to turn me up the street, dropping his arm over my shoulder again. This time, I didn't tense up at all.