Phoenix’s Fire (The Ruins Of Men #2)

Chapter 53

Fifty-Three

Meri

A n hour later, I had a stack of fabric beside me, a collection of thread spread on the other side, and was pushing cloth through the machine that operated by a pedal I could pump with my foot. It wasn't easy, but it was a lot easier than sewing everything by hand the way we'd done it in the compound.

"Am I useful?" I asked, letting the machine slow to a halt so I could rest my leg.

From the far side of the room, Lessa chuckled. "Very. Why?"

"Because you looked like you were relaxing, and then I showed up, and now you're working," I said, turning to see her.

Lessa grabbed a few more bolts of fabric, struggling to get her arms around all of it. "I have been wanting to get this cloth organized for months now," she said, moving along the back wall to drop off the fabric in various places. "I also hate changing that asshole's bandages."

My brow furrowed. "I thought you were friends with Drozel?"

"I am."

"But he's an asshole?" I asked. "Isn't that a bad word?"

Lessa giggled. "It is, but it's also true. Drozel's a grump most days. He's also a nice guy, and ripped."

"Ripped?" I asked, trying to figure out what that would mean in English.

"Muscular," she offered instead.

"Oh." I pushed to my feet and reached for one of the bolts near me. "How are you organizing this?"

"Don't you dare pick up that fabric!" she snapped, making me jerk back.

"I'm sorry!" I whimpered.

"Some of these weigh a lot," Lessa said, hurrying around to see me. "You're not supposed to be lifting that much. "

I sat back down with a heavy sigh. "I see."

Lessa kept coming, but the look on her face had changed. "You don't want to hurt the baby, do you?"

"No, I suppose not."

That made her head cock slightly. "Meri? Are you okay?"

"I just..." I huffed. "Yes, ma'am. I'm just glad to be helping."

"That's not what you were going to say," she pointed out as she found a chair in the mess and pulled it out to sit before me. "What's going on? Why did you really come over, Meri?"

"Because I'm tired of being in the way," I whined. "And now I'm in the way again, making you do all of this while I get to play. And everyone keeps telling me to be careful, and to worry about the baby, and I just..." I shrugged. "I dunno. I want to be useful."

"You are useful," she assured me. "I need those things sewn. I need to finish the orders, and you pay attention to the stitches, fixing it when the threads twist or have a gap. You don't just hurry through it. You make it the way I would."

I nodded. "So it will last."

"So it looks beautiful," she corrected. "And the only reason I'm not asking you to help me organize this is because you're so close to having that baby."

"I know," I grumbled.

"Aren't you happy about it?"

All I could do was shrug. "I should be."

"But?" she pressed.

I leaned my head back and groaned. "I wasn't supposed to be stopping you, Lessa. I'm sorry."

"And you are clearly avoiding something," she told me. "Meri, we're friends, right?"

"Are we?" I asked. "Or are you just being nice the way everyone else is?"

"Ah," she said, nodding to show she understood. "You think everyone helping you is doing it because they have to, hm? That we can't be doing this both because you need it and because we actually care enough to want to help?"

"But why?" I asked. "Why would you do so much for me when I can't do anything back? I don’t know how to cook all of your foods. I don't know how to use a bow or a weapon. I'm not allowed to lift anything heavy, and I can't heal like Ayla does. I'm scared of her dog, and I'm not a warrior, and the only reason I'm here is because I'm her friend, and it's just not right!"

"Right?" Lessa asked, picking up on that word. "Why?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "It just doesn't feel right."

She nodded slowly. "I think you mean fair. It doesn't feel fair to you, because you think you have to do something first, hm?"

"But... Don't I?"

"Nope." She reached up to cup the back of my head. "You are a beautiful young lady who showed up here in need. I can't even imagine how terrifying pregnancy is, so all I can do is try to help. That you like clothing this much? Knowing I finally have someone who actually enjoys sitting around and talking with me about whether linen or cotton would work better in a design?"

"Ayla sews better than me, you should ask her."

Lessa scoffed. "Ayla isn't my friend. You are."

"But you knew her first," I countered. "And everyone likes Ayla. She's brave and bold and willing to try anything."

Lessa shrugged that off. "So?"

"But she's better than me!" I said.

"How so?"

"All my life, I've tried so hard to do everything right, and she was always better. Ayla didn't even like sewing, but she learned so she could work in the infirmary. Her stitches are so small and perfectly spaced - and she doesn't even try! She knew how to help people, and that made it okay for her to break the rules. She snuck into the library, she refused to let men court her, and she..."

"She what?" Lessa asked, calmly smoothing my hair back.

"She's the one everyone likes," I mumbled, knowing I was pouting but unable to stop myself. "It's just not fair, Lessa. When she comes around, people are so happy to see her. I mean, she was always such a disobedient girl, and she didn't care that she got in trouble. I tried to be good. I wanted to do it right. I thought that if I was the pious and proper lady, then maybe I could finally get what I wanted, and then Gideon asked me to marry him."

"The baby's father?" she asked.

I nodded. "But he stopped being kind and sweet the moment we were married. I only ever broke the rules once! I told Callah and Ayla about what happens in the marriage bed and how much it hurts, and he caught us. He hit us, but Ayla just kept pushing, and he hit her again, and she glared. There she was, breaking even more rules, and now she's here, doing the same thing."

"Oh, Meri..." Lessa breathed, pulling me closer to hug me against her shoulder.

"And now we're here, and she's so happy, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do!" I admitted, feeling the first sob crack my voice. "I'm not brave! I'm not smart. I'm just a wife, and all I know is how to be a good wife, but none of that applies here, so I'm just in the way, and all I want is to be useful to someone!"

"Shh..." she breathed, smoothing my hair down my back. "Oh, Meri, you are useful. Look at how you just jumped in to take care of Drozel's tail? Or how about all of this? You're so good at sewing! You're also a very pretty girl, and Ayla isn't perfect. She's obnoxious and oblivious and sometimes even arrogant. And that's fine, but it doesn't mean she's better than you, Meri."

"But she got what she wanted!" I huffed.

So Lessa leaned me back. "So what do you want?"

"I don't want to be pregnant!" I wailed, feeling the tears flood my eyes and start to spill over. "I don't want to die!"

"We won't let you die," she swore.

"And I don't want to be Gideon's wife!"

She nodded. "We can get you a divorce. "

I sucked in my lower lip. "I don't want to be scared all the time."

"Oh, baby," Lessa breathed, hugging me against her again. "That's going to take a bit. Everything is new and different up here, and that's okay. You have the chance to see what you want to do, okay? You get a chance to figure it out."

"But I don't know what I'm supposed to be!"

"What do you want to be?" she asked.

All I could do was shrug. "I like sewing, but it's not the same. Nothing looks pretty on me because I'm shaped like a ball."

She chuckled softly. "Only for a bit longer."

"But what if he comes back for his baby?" I asked. "What if my brother tells him I lied? What if Gideon realizes this is his child and he wants it back? Ayla said they come here ! I don't want to see him again, Lessa!"

"I will sting the shit out of that man," she swore, bending to kiss the top of my head. "I will bite him if I have to, and that's just fucking gross, okay?"

That made a little laugh slip from my mouth. "Yeah?"

"Mhm," she promised. "We have fangs, but only little kids use them. Well, or if we have no other option. It's pretty nasty to bite someone, and since I hate fighting too, I'd just rather not. But if that man ever tries to lay a hand on you, I will fight for my friend."

"But I didn't do anything to be your friend," I said.

Lessa just scoffed. "Of course you did. You're nice, and sweet, and pretty. You talked to me, Meri, and you make me feel like you want to see me - and I like that."

"But that's nothing!"

"No," she countered. "That's everything. Meri, I am not a Mole. I don't expect you to be my servant. I'm not friends with anyone because of what they can do for me. Why? Because I can do it all for myself. So can you."

"But I can't!"

"Why not?"

That made me pause. I didn't really have a good answer, so I gave her the best one I had. "I don't know how."

"Which means you get to learn how." Lessa eased me back again, then looked down at my belly. "That is temporary, Meri. And once you have that baby, we'll make you a whole new wardrobe of clothes to make you feel beautiful again, okay? Jeera and Brielle will help you with the baby too."

"Not you?" I asked.

She rocked her head from side to side. "I'm not really the baby sort. I never wanted one like most people do. I mean, maybe later, but since I can't have them, I just never worried about it."

"I wish I didn't."

Her eyes narrowed. "Meri, do you want that baby?"

My blood froze in my veins. My lungs completely forgot how to work, but my eyes jumped up to hang on her golden ones. I felt my head shaking from side to side in a silent denial, but I couldn't even find any words.

"I..."

Lessa's shoulders slumped. "That's it, isn't it?"

"I laid with a man. It's my burden to carry, and now that I'm a mother, that's all I'll ever be."

"No, that is not true," she insisted. "Mothers can do anything they want. Naomi's a mother and a doctor! Saveah - "

"Is a mother," I shot back. "Ayla's sister does nothing but care for her kids."

Lessa groaned. "Okay, yeah, but that's what she always wanted. She planned to have a lot more kids, but her husband was killed. Meri, there are dozens of women who have kids that their husbands raise, and - "

"And I don't have a husband!" I yelled. "I don't want him. He hit me, and he would punish me if he knew I was still alive!"

"Shh..." she breathed again. "It's okay. It's all going to be okay."

"But Ayla gets to have it all. She broke all the rules, and now she gets a second chance," I said. "I did everything right and lost it all. I'm never going to be able to be anything! I have to raise Gideon's child. I'm now theirs. I am still a servant, even though I got out. I can't be me, Lessa. And I don't even know who I am, because I was never allowed to even think that was possible, but Gideon took that from me. This baby is taking it still!"

She bent to look right in my eyes. "And those rules no longer apply," she told me. "Meri, you have options."

"I do?"

She nodded. "You can give the baby away. You can keep the baby and pay someone to watch it while you work or play."

"But I don't have a job!"

"Be my assistant?" she offered. "I'll pay you twenty-five percent of every piece you make. That leaves us enough for the cost of the supplies, and it's a good wage. You can afford your own place with that, or save it up, or do whatever you want."

"But the baby!" I reminded her.

"Work for me?" she almost begged. "Let's start there, okay? And then you can decide what comes next. Once you have the first step, the rest tend to be easier to figure out. Work for me so you can afford to figure out your dreams. And if you want to keep that baby, we'll find someone to watch it during the day. I have a feeling Saveah will be more than willing to do that, so you aren't tied to the child. And if you really don't want it? Meri, Dragons have a thing called adoption."

"What's that?" I asked.

She smiled at me softly. "It's where one woman has a child for someone else. She gives birth to it, but she doesn't raise it. She's not the mother, just the 'birth mother,' but that means it would no longer be your child. Someone else would raise it their way. They would give it a name. They would decide what it studied and pay for its games and such."

"Like the nursery?" I asked.

She gave me a confused look. "I don't know what that is, but I'm going to guess no. See, in Lorsa, a lot of us can't have kids. We need women like you to have the babies for us. Some do it as a favor. Some do it in their family, then everyone helps raise the child. Others get pregnant by mistake and let a different family raise it. Some of those want to know the child later. Others don't."

"And if I keep it?" I asked.

"Then your friends will help you," she promised. "And Meri? We are your friends, not just Ayla's. I happen to like you much more than her."

Which made me bite my lip and glance away. In the pit of my stomach, something was fluttering, and I was pretty sure that wasn't the baby kicking.