Phoenix’s Fire (The Ruins Of Men #2)

Chapter 58

Fifty-Eight

Callah

I made my way back to my room in what felt like a daze. The further I got from the dining hall, the more whispers I heard. Girls lingered in the halls, clustered in groups as they all discussed what the news meant for us. Most of them looked at me, falling silent as I passed.

I made it nearly to my door when Ms. Lawton called out, "Callah? A moment, if you would?"

I paused right in front of my room and waited for her. The problem was I couldn't think of anything to say. This was real. All of this was happening, which meant Tobias hadn't lied, but was he trying to catch me at something? If so, he had all the proof already, so this was real. This was happening - and it was all too fast!

"Hey," Ms. Lawton breathed, reaching up to chafe my arm. "I saw your proposal. Are you planning to accept?"

"I..." I tried to shrug and shake my head at the same time. "I was supposed to have another month!"

"I know," she said. "I also know the elders spoke to me right before dinner. Women who are being courted will be given the option of the men they have, or any boy eighteen or older. If you have someone else in mind..."

"No," I breathed.

"And you're not satisfied with Mr. Warren?" she asked.

"I just..."

"Because," she went on, "if you do not accept him, other men will ask. Callah, because of your age, you will be married on the Day of the Seven Trumpets. There will be at least ten weddings each week, but no more than twenty. You're the eighth from turning, so you will be on the first day. I need to know if I should allow other men to court you. "

"No," I finally said, making my decision on the spot. "I'm pleased with Tobias, just shocked."

"He is a good man," she assured me. "As a hunter, he will be able to offer you privileges you wouldn't get with another man. Hopefully, that means you will be able to share the bounty with the other wives." She tilted her head slightly, almost as if asking whether I understood her double meaning.

"I know," I assured her. "I do, I just feel like I'm going to wake up soon - like this is some horrible dream. I don't even have a dress!"

"Mrs. Hinton and Mrs. Porter are already working on that," she said with a proud smile. "They asked me for your size a few days ago. White cloth is short currently, and I know you're fond of yellow. Will that be acceptable?"

"Yes, ma'am," I breathed, feeling something inside me relax a little.

"Good," she said. "And if you feel gracious, the younger girls are suffering even more shock. If you can let me know about anyone who is taking this harder than expected?" She gently smoothed back a tendril of hair from my brow. "I can't protect you girls from everything, but I want to at least make sure you're ready."

"I'll try," I promised. "I'm sorry, Ms. Lawton, I'm just so shocked myself."

"Go," she said, jerking her chin toward my door. "If Tobias comes, should I tell him you're busy tonight?"

"Yes, please," I told her. "And Ms. Lawton? Thank you for making us feel like we aren't insane for our fears."

"I cannot do much, but I do what I can," she said before stepping away. "As we all should."

Those words stuck with me as I secured my door behind me. Stripping out of my smock, I flopped down on my bed and waited for the tears to come - but they didn't. I wasn't shocked enough, or horrified. I'd known this was coming, and while I was scared, I'd been braced for it.

In the halls around me, I could hear smothered sobs and soft wailing. There were too many shushes to go with them, as if our very emotions were something we should be ashamed of. And while a part of me wanted to go out and reassure those girls that it would all be okay, it would be nothing more than a lie.

This wouldn't be okay. Tobias was training with grenades? I hadn't even known there Righteous had any - or were we making them? Weren't those weapons of war? Hadn't God insisted we should forgo such things in a quest to repair the world? Then again, Dragons weren't beasts, but people. Tobias had actually spoken to the Wyvern. He'd also said they were the meat we were all eating.

I hadn't wanted to think about that, and now I couldn't stop. If Dragons were people, and we ate people, then why weren't the deceased being butchered to feed the compound? Wasn't that just as disgusting?

Or were they?

I knew the interred were offered to the compost, which then fed the fungus. But offered wasn't the same as given. So many funerals were private now, and when my own mother had died, I'd barely been old enough to attend. My father had held me as we looked over the earth she was placed onto .

She hadn't been covered by it. Had they removed her body after we'd left? Could they be doing that to others? And if they were, we wouldn't have a clue! Like the hunters, I was sure the fungus farmers and coroners would be trained to keep their own secrets. Things everyone else was too soft or foolish to understand. Things that were turned into euphemisms to hide the disgusting acts we'd resorted to!

That was why I despised meat. I didn't care if we never had it again! I hadn't eaten it since I was a very young girl, and I had no intention of starting again. I'd simply say I was being conscientious of the men who needed it more or something. No one would care, and I was sure I'd never be able to swallow that stuff now that I knew about it.

But the one thing I was holding on to was how Tobias had called this place Hell. I knew he was miserable. He'd told me so over and over - or he was a very good liar. Sadly, I couldn't rule that out. And while I wanted to say he wasn't, how long had that man pretended to be an idiot? He was good at lying, and I couldn't trust him.

I also had no one else, and I couldn't do this alone.

For far too long, I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling. The crying in the halls faded slowly, turning into muffled screams from the rooms on either side. If I could hear them through the stone, that meant the tantrums had to be impressive, and I honestly envied the ones who could still find their rage.

Unfortunately, I wasn't growing weary. I'd hoped to cry myself to sleep, maybe to start again fresh tomorrow with plenty of rest. Instead, my mind was spinning with all the things I should be doing but couldn't. Things I would say to Ayla or Meri. Questions I wanted to ask Tobias. All of them popped up and vanished too fast for me to even keep track, leaving me with nothing but a stomach that had remembered it hadn't been fed and hands that needed to be doing something.

Climbing out of my bed, I found my smock again. That went on quickly. A few swipes of a brush put my hair in order. What I needed was paper - a way to collect my thoughts so I could make them useful. The only place I could think of where that was possible was the forbidden library.

I made it halfway up the halls before Rebekka stopped me. "Callah?" she asked, hurrying to walk at my side. "Are you going to accept Tobias?"

"I should," I told her, refusing to slow my steps.

She kept following. "If you don't, he's on my list. I was wondering how you caught his eye, because my other options..."

I finally stopped. "Rebekka, I'm on my way to speak to the wives about my dress." It was a lie, but if this girl kept walking with me, she'd see where I was going! "I'm sorry, but he proposed, and I don't have any other options I'm willing to consider."

"But surely - "

"Reynold Saunders," I snapped, leaning into her face. "My list has five names on it, and Mr. Saunders is the second best. I may not be ready to marry, but it seems we weren't given that option, and Mr. Warren is an attractive man. "

"I've been hoping to marry him since I was a girl!" Rebekka huffed. "You don't have anything in common with him!"

"He likes that I heal him," I told her. "He says he would like me to continue in the profession after I'm married." I lifted a brow. "What do you have in common with him?"

"I taught him how to weave baskets two years ago!" she huffed. "He said I'm very skilled." Then she sighed. "No, I'm sorry, Callah. You're right. He's taken an interest in you, and with your history , I'm sure you must accept."

I wanted to sneer at the girl. It hadn't been that long ago when she'd been telling me I was lucky, and now I was seeing that had been her jealousy speaking. But to throw out my "history" like that? Clearly, she meant it was because both Ayla and Meri had been banished.

"Exactly," I told her. "With my history, Rebekka, I have to accept his proposal, so I'm afraid you'll have to find another suitor. You should have at least a couple more weeks than I do."

"I shouldn't be getting married until March!" she spat.

"I know." I forced myself to remain calm. "I think we all feel that way right now."

"Yeah, but you don't have to act like a pious little harridan," she grumbled before storming up the hall ahead of me - in exactly the wrong way.

I had no clue where she was going, but I could guess. That way was the women's area where our lists were posted. Hopefully she was going to find herself another prospect to fixate on - or fret about. But it meant I couldn't disappear into the library. Devil's pointy horns! I'd also told her I was going to speak to the wives about my dress, thinking that would chase her off. Then again, the wives' washroom was in the same general direction.

I headed that way, deciding I could fill a pitcher with water and use that to quiet my empty stomach. I was sure none of the ladies I knew would be in there, but I'd been introduced to enough women that they no longer seemed confused when I wandered in.

I sighed as I passed the turn that led to the library, but I didn't dare look that way. The halls were busier tonight than usual. The girls' washroom was packed, with a cluster of young ladies standing outside the door. I kept going.

The women's washroom was quiet when I stepped in. This wasn't the same area we washed our laundry, but it was where many of us rinsed the cloths we used for our monthly flow. It also had showers and facilities, along with supplies that might be necessary for a wife to use in her home.

Heading to the back, I found a dented metal pitcher and took it to one of the larger sinks. Turning on the water, I set the pitcher under it, and leaned back to sigh. It didn't help. The tension refused to let go of my muscles. I felt like I wanted to run, but there was nowhere to go.

Once the pitcher was full, I turned off the water, but I wasn't ready to go back yet. The silence in here was calming in a way my own room hadn't been. There were no whimpers, no sobs. On impulse, I carried the pitcher further into the expansive area and found a bench. Sitting down, I drank straight from the metal side until my stomach was sloshing, then set it beside me.

I was going to marry Tobias.

Even if I stabbed him, the marriage part would still happen. Of all the crimes I could do that were sentenced to banishment, marriage would need to happen first - unless I stole something? But what? And from whom?

No, that wasn't a viable option. The first five commandments were almost impossible to break in a way that would have me thrown out. Most likely, they would result in common punishment, and I really did not want to be beaten.

The sixth would be the easiest, as Ayla had proven. The seventh was what Meri had used, but adultery required marriage first. Stealing was the eighth. False witness, the ninth, was much too common and would likely be ignored. The final one was coveting, and I couldn't conceive of a way to use that to my benefit.

Which meant my only option was to stab Tobias like he'd said. The pocket knife he'd given me was a small thing, shorter than my fingers. I could make sure I didn't permanently damage him, but would it work? Would the Righteous really throw me out for doing the same thing Ayla had done?

I didn't believe they would. If they did, it was all but asking for every other woman to do the same! We were forced to marry, whether we wanted to or not. They hadn't even asked Ayla if she agreed. They'd said it didn't matter!

But if trying to kill our suitors worked, then why wouldn't we? Right, because the surface was supposed to be where we died. I was the only one who realized there were people up there who'd help us. Well, and the hunters. After Ayla had made the Dragons so dangerous, the information I had only supported my fear they wouldn't keep sending us women up to them. For all they knew, we'd make things harder down here!

I leaned over my knees, knowing there was an answer somewhere if I could just find it, when the outer door creaked. The whisper of voices was soft but obvious as they came in.

"I need to be crying," one woman said. "Mrs. Worthington said extreme grief might be enough to delay things, but my list was bad before. It hasn't gotten any better, and I only have two months left!"

I casually cleared my throat so she wouldn't think she was in here alone.

"Hello?" another woman called out.

"I'm sorry, I was getting a pitcher," I said, grabbing the metal thing and pushing to my feet. "I was just on my way - "

Two widows came around the corner. One of them I recognized. She was the brazen woman from my first visit to the wives' laundry. Beside her was a younger girl, maybe twenty-three at most, and possibly the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen.

"Callah, right?" the brazen woman asked, guiding her friend past me and to the bench where I'd just been sitting. "Do you happen to know any tricks to cause tears?"

I calmly set my pitcher down again, realizing I was needed. "Yes. I do."