Chapter 68
Sixty-Eight
Meri
T he house was quiet at night. Too quiet.
In the compound, there was always some noise somewhere. As a girl, it had been Ayla and Callah turning in their sleep. Even breathing beside me made a noise that softened the silence. Sadly, not in Jeera's home.
Oh, every so often I could hear someone outside on the street, but that was rare. Occasionally, I'd heard sounds from the women's room. I was pretty sure what those were from, but I would never mention it. Such things were not discussed - at least I didn't know how to discuss them.
But sleeping was hard lately. Not because I wasn't tired. Oh, I felt like I could never quite rest as much as my body wanted. Instead, my problem was I could never get comfortable. Lying on my stomach was out of the question. The child was so large, my body couldn't even get into that position.
My side was better, but then this thing inside me began to move. Often, it would bounce or kick and make me need to pee. Tonight was one of those nights, but I didn't want to get up yet. I just wanted to lie here in the almost-darkness of real night where no one was listening or watching me.
"I don't know how to be a mother," I whispered to my stomach. "I know it's not your fault, but what if I mess you up? What if I make you into a monster because that's the only way I know how to be?"
The child inside me rolled again, making me groan with the intensity of it. Lessa had encouraged me to rant about Gideon. She'd listened to all of my stories, not even caring that they weren't in order. I'd screamed and wailed, getting all my anger out.
I hadn't cried.
The next day, she'd let me focus on the clothes. I'd told her I didn't want to talk about it that time, and she'd assured me we wouldn't. Instead, she'd run her hand over my hair like a caress before clasping my shoulder and giving me the fabric I'd need to sew.
She was always doing that. Lessa had no shame about offering hugs, a hand, or even those little touches that somehow made me feel better. Ayla and Callah didn't do that, but I didn't blame them. We'd been raised that touching was improper. Only married couples should caress like that, but my husband hadn't.
He'd held me down. He'd backhanded me. He'd screamed in my face, shoved me against the wall, and ignored me otherwise. Once, a girl in sermon had held my hand like that. Mr. Cassidy had screamed at us for an hour about the sins of friendship, gossip, and the temptations of flesh. I hadn't really understood what he'd meant back then, but I was pretty sure I was starting to.
Because when I thought of Lessa, it wasn't at all the way I thought of Ayla. Ayla was my friend. She was someone I could rely on, trust, and who would always be there. Ayla was like what I thought a sister should be. We'd always joked that we were more of a family than our real families were, and it was true. She and Callah had been a constant that made me think there was always a reason to keep hoping.
But Lessa?
My lips curled into a smile as I thought about her. She was almost golden - all over! Supposedly, her scales were "sand"-colored, but her hair was the brightest blonde I'd ever seen, her eyes were like fresh honey - which was one of the many foods I liked a lot - and her skin was as smooth as the finest silk.
I hummed softly to myself. I had words for those things now. Honey, gold, silk. I also knew the difference between linen and cotton. I'd been learning the trick to sewing chiffon. I'd caressed velvet! I'd tasted chocolate on strawberries. All of those were things Lessa had shown me. Stupid little meaningless sensations that felt like they meant the world.
"I want to be like Lessa," I whispered to my stomach. "I want to be proud and sweet and unashamed."
Mostly, I wanted to be able to reach out and caress her hair the way she did mine. I wanted to hug her the way she always did with me, but my body didn't make that easy. I couldn't exactly stand behind her and wrap my arms around her shoulders because this thing kept me from getting close enough.
I also wanted something more. Sometimes, when we talked, I found myself looking into her perfectly golden eyes and thinking about leaning in the way Jeera would with Brielle. That was silly, though. They were lovers. Not wives - or however it was said up here - but two people who had something. Jeera and Brielle had passion and romance. They touched the way I'd thought my husband would touch me, but he never had.
They were also gentle, and I couldn't help but wonder if that was what I longed for. For once in my life, I wanted someone to hold me softly.
Yet ever since I'd come here, all of my new friends had said the same thing - even Ayla. They'd told me I needed to decide what I wanted. Lessa had said it more bluntly, which made it finally make sense. I needed to stop trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be and figure out which parts made me happy, and which parts were me simply seeking praise as a substitute for that happiness.
Sadly, I didn't know.
What I was sure of was that I could ask. Over and over, I'd said things that should've been stupid or rude. I'd been confused about stuff these people all took for granted. Not once had any of them shamed me for it. Not even the Wyvern.
The most feared man on the surface of the Earth had told me it was okay to be myself. He'd promised to protect me, and he wasn't the only one. That meant I didn't need to be strong or powerful, but did I want to be?
Not like Ayla. No, I'd be too scared to fight with men. I hadn't even been able to look at that boy without remembering everything Gideon had done! No, I wanted to be strong like Brielle. I wanted to be confident, mostly, but that would take time.
The thing inside me bounced again, and I could no longer ignore the pressure on my bladder. Pushing myself up, I tossed back the covers and slid out of bed. The washroom was just across the hall, so I waddled that way to do my business.
As I cleaned my hands, I looked in the mirror. The lights were out, but darkness up here wasn't that dark. I could see the shape of my face, the pale mass of my hair, and my growing breasts. The girl I'd been was gone, replaced with this reflection that looked so much like a stranger.
I paused to dampen my face, hoping I could convince my body to sleep again, but a light tap sounded at the door.
"Meri?" It was Brielle, and she was whispering.
I hurried to open the door. "Sorry. I need to go a lot."
"I was just worried," Brielle promised. "Wanted to make sure you hadn't started labor or anything." She gestured up the hall. "Need something to relax?"
"Yes!" I gasped. "I am so tired, but I can't sleep."
She steered me toward the kitchen. "Heartburn or the child in the way?"
"The child," I mumbled.
Which made Brielle chuckle. "That means it won't be long now. Don't worry. When the kid gets here, we'll make sure you can sleep as much as you need."
"But I'll have to care for the baby," I reminded her.
She pulled out a chair and gestured for me to sit at the table. "And I happen to like babies. So does Jeera. I promise we will take over any time you need a break."
"What if all I want is a break?" I asked, watching as she headed to the stone cabinet to pull out a pitcher of cool juice. "Brielle, what if I'm not a good mother?"
"Meri, I'm going to tell you a secret," she said as she poured two glasses and headed back to claim the chair diagonal from me. "No one starts out as a good mother. Even the best mothers make mistakes. See, children are people, and everyone has their own personality. That means the way you think might not be what the child is reacting to, and so on."
"Oh."
She pressed the glass into my hands. "But making mistakes isn't the end of the world. Caring is what matters. That's what a mother needs to do. Not to always be the one to do the things, but to care enough to ask for help when she needs it."
I cradled the glass, thinking over her words. "What if I don't want to?" I asked before taking a sip.
Brielle waited until I put the glass back on the table. "Dragons have options, Meri. From what Ayla's told us, I think Moles only have one: raise your child. Right?"
I nodded.
So she reached over to take my hand. "Okay, let me start at the beginning. Dragons have birth control. That prevents sex from creating a child. That means women can choose when and if they want to ever be pregnant - usually. Birth control doesn't always work. It's rare, but sometimes it does fail. Sometimes people don't get it on time, or other things happen like not being able to afford it. In that case, a woman might get pregnant when she doesn't want to be."
"Okay," I said. "But she laid with a man? That means it's her responsibility."
"Children are not punishment," Brielle said. "They aren't repercussions or duties. Children are people, who come with all the complications of a small person who is completely reliant on another."
"Yeah," I grumbled.
"And not everyone wants that," Brielle went on. "Also, not everyone chooses to have sex. That's what 'rape' means. Sometimes, what you think you're agreeing to isn't what ends up happening. In most cases, that also counts as rape. If he promises to pull out and doesn't, removes protection, or any of a million ways a woman can have sex without intending to get pregnant, but still end up that way."
"Okay?" I asked, listening a little harder.
Brielle bobbed her head as she chose her words. "In those cases, we can perform an abortion. That is removing the fertilized egg while it's still just a mass of cells. For Dragons, we do not consider that a person. It's a potential person, and if the mother doesn't agree to carry it, then we do not force her. Other times, a pregnancy can be dangerous. If carrying a child to term will risk a mother's life, we can remove it. That is also an abortion."
"Kill it?" I asked.
She nodded. "Yes. Some people think that shouldn't be done. Others think it's an individual choice. Now, I'm not going to tell you which is right or wrong. I'm just saying we have the capability of doing it. Unfortunately, it can only be done to a certain point without causing more problems for you."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"I mean you're too far along," she explained. "If your child was born now - forced or naturally - it would survive. If we made it come early, that would cause lasting problems for it, or could. Your body could also suffer, making things even harder than your delicate condition already does. So, for you, abortion is not an option with this pregnancy, but it could be if you ever find yourself pregnant again. Make sense?"
I hurried to nod. "It does. I have to have this baby. "
"Yes," she said, "you do. It's the safest thing for both of you. However, you do not need to keep or raise that child. You can give it up for adoption. That means another parent would claim it, raise it, and you could even choose to never see it again. To not tell it your name, where you came from, or anything. Or, you could give it up for adoption and be involved from the edges. To be like an aunt, I guess? You can also keep and raise the child until you're sure, then if you decide later that you can't do this, you can give it up then."
"Really?" I breathed.
She nodded slowly, watching me the whole time. "The decision isn't an easy one, and you've had very little time to consider it. However, there's the most common option, which is raising that baby yourself. Meri, in Lorsa, friends and family will help you. Jeera and I will step in as much or as little as you want. Ayla, Naomi, Saveah, and probably even Lessa. You can be a mother to that child on your own because you will never be forced to be alone ."
"Oh," I breathed, leaning back in my chair as all of that began to sink in. "But I don't know what I want to do."
"I know," Brielle said. "And I know Lessa mentioned this to you a bit. She said you're worried about it, but you shouldn't be. No matter what you decide, it is the right choice for you , and that means it will likely be the best choice for this child. Dragons see no shame in any of these. We may have our own opinions, like how I couldn't imagine certain choices. That doesn't mean those choices are wrong. It just means I have my own life, with my own opinions, and my own preferences."
I lifted the glass and took a much larger drink this time. I needed it to moisten my mouth. "What if I change my mind?"
"It would be cruel to give someone a child they've longed for and then take it away," Brielle said gently. "It's better to wait and be sure. For those of us who can't have children, we wait a very long time for the chance. To have that and then lose it? It's painful, so we recommend you take your time, keep the baby for a while if you want to try."
"Okay," I said. "But how will I know?"
She smiled down at the table. "I don't know, Meri. I think you need to listen to your heart and trust yourself."
"But I don't know myself," I pointed out.
"Yeah, and that makes it harder," she said. "But no matter what, you will not be doing this alone. I promised Ayla that I would take care of you, and I will. Both of you, in any way you need me to. It's what people up here do."
I glanced away, feeling a stinging in my eyes. "Thank you. I know that's not enough, but I mean it. You make all of this a lot less terrifying."