Pieces of Us

Eight Years Before

Lottie

I always put off visiting my mother. It was easier living away, as though the constraints around me had been loosened. I was even beginning to restore some of my relationship with my dad now that I no longer had her breathing down my neck. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t forgive him for what he did to us, but I could start to understand some of the strain Dad had been under. I of all people understood how difficult my mum was to live with.

On the way to another obligatory visit, I tried to straighten my thoughts. There was a lot going on at that time. Sara, Jay and Dec had recently graduated from university and, after a burst of local parties, were now back together in the same town. Jay had sent us a simple message, asking us to meet him in the woods by the lake. He wanted a get-together, he wanted it to be ‘just like old times’. Just those words made me feel an immediate resistance. I knew I wasn’t being fair; Jay and Sara had history, he knew all of the issues she had been through before, while I’d barely scratched the surface. How could I expect them to forget and move on? They would always be close, wouldn’t they?

It was meant to be different for girls, though. We were meant to be the ones to support each other, to whisper our secrets to one another. I desperately wanted Sara to trust me enough to talk to me properly. Despite living together for three years, I still didn’t feel like this had happened for us. I was just her surface friend – the one she talked to about TV shows and fashion trends. Sara kept so much of herself locked away and I knew, deep inside, that the only one that had got even close to penetrating that had been Jay.

And now he was back. For how long, I wasn’t sure.

As I reached the house, a familiar feeling of loneliness tugged at me. I stared up at the building that Sara once pointed out was the largest one on the road and could probably fit her flat in it three times over – but to me was a great yawning space.

Inside, all I could smell was floor polish and bleach and a slight scent of the fresh flowers that our cleaner had placed in the hall. At Sara’s mum’s flat, you had to step into a crowded, narrow hall where coats were overflowing on hooks on the wall and shoes littered the carpet. It always smelt warmer somehow, more human – like people actually existed in the space and hadn’t been tidied away.

I kicked off my shoes on the mat and moved through to the kitchen, planning to get myself a drink or something, nearly leaping in shock when I saw Mum sitting at the breakfast bar, staring at her phone.

‘Hi Mum. How are you?’

She looked up. Mum always had a slightly frozen look on her face, probably not helped by the years of Botox. Her eyebrows were always slightly too raised, her skin too stretched.

‘I’m surprised you even care.’

I inwardly sighed. Great, she was in a bad mood too. This was all I needed. I walked over to the sink and got myself some water, feeling her eyes burn into my back the entire time I stood there.

‘I spoke to your dad today.’

Her voice was a little too high. I turned off the tap and took a sip of water; it did nothing to take away the bitter taste in my mouth.

‘Oh, did you?’

‘Yes, I did, though God help me I wish I hadn’t. That smug bastard always has to get one over on me. You know he’s marrying that tart? That woman he was sleeping with behind my back?’

I almost asked ‘which one’ but held my tongue. I didn’t want to wind Mum up any more. As it happens I did know that Dad was marrying Emily. They had a lovely place in Essex. I hoped Mum didn’t know that it was twice the size of this house.

‘You knew though, didn’t you? Of course, you did’ – her tone was colder now – ‘because you’ve been having lots of lovely chats with him.’

‘Well… he is my dad. And my employer now, too.’

Mum sucked in a breath. Her face had that pained look, like I’d just stabbed her with one of her hideously expensive chef-branded knives.

‘Yes, of course, I know all of this… but after everything he did to us. I thought you understood—’

She was looking distraught now, and I felt a tug of guilt. I was angry with him too. I hated him for leaving us, for finding someone he’d rather live with, but that didn’t mean I wanted him out of my life forever.

‘He’s still my dad,’ I said quietly.

‘Oh, I know he’s your dad,’ Mum sneered. ‘It’s funny how he seemed to forget that when he walked out on us.’

Dad had told me that Mum had blocked his calls and wouldn’t let him visit after he left. He told me that their break-up had been more complicated than Mum had led me to believe, however, looking at Mum’s rigid expression, I knew that there was little point in raising this now, it would only make her angrier.

‘He took great pleasure in telling me about you on the call, seemed to think he knew more about you than I did. He was telling me how well you’re doing at work…’ She pulled a face. ‘I never see you, so I wouldn’t know.’

I shrugged. ‘I’ve been busy, Mum.’

‘But you have time to go bleating away to dear Daddy instead.’ Mum pulled herself away from the breakfast bar and started pacing the room. ‘He told me that he’s offered you a promotion at his place. Oh, yeah – he was all smug about it, like he’d fixed all of our problems.’

‘Mum – the promotion would be a great opportunity. I might not even get it.’

It had only been a passing comment by him, although I had to admit I was hoping Dad might be able to use his influence. I was currently working as a receptionist for his dealership in Hove, but the sales role in the Brighton office was far more lucrative. Dad would just need to convince the manager there.

‘Yeah, well, he can stick his options where the sun don’t shine.’ Mum pointed a well-manicured finger at me. ‘I’m telling you now, if you stay working for that cheating arsehole, well – you stop visiting here altogether. It’ll be clear whose side you’ve picked.’

‘Mum – it’s not about sides!’

‘Of course it’s about sides! And that shit always wins!’ She was shouting now. ‘I can’t believe you can’t understand that. All this time I’ve been doing all I can to look after you, to keep my own sanity, and the minute Daddy turns on the charm you go running back to him trying to manipulate him to get what you want.’

‘It’s not like that,’ I whispered.

‘It is. That’s the problem with you Lottie, you’re always so desperate for love and approval.’ Mum was properly sneering now. ‘And you go the wrong way trying to get it.’

I left soon after, unable to stand being in a house with a woman so twisted with bitterness that she could no longer see straight. As I walked, I tried to process some of the things she had said to me about Dad and how I was manipulating him. That comment stung, but was she right? It was true that I had hoped Dad would sort things out for me, come to my rescue like he’d always done when I was a kid. The truth was, I lacked motivation and commitment to make any important decisions for myself – I just wanted to take the easiest route possible.

That was why I was so jealous of Jay and Sara – they both had ambition and desire. Jay had often talked about his plans to train as an architect and Sara was keen to move into graphic design, or something where she could use her art. They were both hugely talented and had fire in their bellies to drive them on. Even Dec knew that he wanted to work in the tech industry. It was different for me. The only thing I had was Dad’s money and even that was of limited use; it wasn’t like I had the brains or ambition to set up my own business or use it to fund studies. At this rate, I would end up like my mum, marrying a man I could barely stand in order to sustain the life I had got used to. My heart felt heavy just thinking about it.

I didn’t even realise where I was walking to until I got there. The woods were soon surrounding me, the trees swamping me, a familiar hug as I followed the curvy path that ran alongside the bubbly stream. I wasn’t due to meet the others for another hour, but it seemed my feet had automatically brought me to Jay’s spot. It didn’t matter though, I could wait here. It was a warm afternoon. I’d have time to clear my mind before the others arrived.

I walked briskly until I reached the small clearing. This was usually where we would meet up. A couple of tree stumps made useful seats and the view to the stream here was particularly pretty. There was no sign of any of them. I had time to relax. I settled myself down on a nearby tree stump and started to get my headphones out ready to play some music.

I heard them before I saw them.

‘I don’t know why you do it, Sara.’

I froze. The voice was Jay’s. Pushing through brambles, I edged closer to peer through the branches and spotted him and Sara together, Jay looking angry while Sara sat defiant with her arms drawn tightly across her body.

‘Do what?’

‘Blow hot and cold all the time. One minute I’m your best mate, you call me up and we chat like it’s old times, and the next you’re cold towards me. I don’t know where I stand.’

‘Stop making a big deal of everything, Jay. I’m not in the mood.’

‘No – you never are. That’s the problem.’

‘For God’s sake…’

‘You know I loved those calls. Every time we spoke it felt like the old days. It felt like us.’

‘I know…’ I heard the crack in her voice. ‘You know I like talking to you. It’s always been so easy.’

A chill passed through me. I didn’t realise they had both been talking so much. That explained what Sara had been doing when she was shut away in her room.

‘And now I’m back, I just thought…’ He let out a breath. ‘I miss our time together.’

‘I know, me too – but I’m confused too. It’s hard, Jay. Kyle is coming out of prison soon. Mum is stressed out about it. She still won’t have your family mentioned. And there’s the other stuff… I’m not sure I even want to go into that now.’

‘What is it? Why do you push me away all the time?’ He sighed. ‘I thought we came here to talk about everything before the others got here. You know, finally work out what we wanted.’

‘I know, but—’

‘But what? I try and get close to you, and you freeze. I don’t understand what you want.’

Sara sniffed. ‘I don’t know – it just freaks me out when you get too close.’

‘Freaks you out?’ Jay sounded hurt. ‘Sara, do you even like me?’

Sara laughed. It sounded cruel, but I knew it was because she felt awkward. ‘Jay – I don’t know why you’re asking that. It’s you that doesn’t see me that way. I’ll always be the little sister to you, won’t I?’

‘Eh? What makes you say that?’

‘You’ve made it pretty clear,’ Sara muttered. ‘And what about Rae? I thought you were all loved up?’

‘Rae was never that serious. You know that. You must know that?’

‘You’re crazy.’

‘So I’m crazy now? I came here to try and clear things up, to talk to you, and you just treat me like shit.’

‘It’s not like that—’

‘So what is it like?’

‘I dunno. I just…’ She sighed. ‘I can’t be bothered with this, Jay.’

‘Yeah, and that’s the problem isn’t it! You can never be bothered.’

‘Jay, don’t be like that!’ Her voice was wobbling. ‘We don’t need to destroy what we have. We’re good friends, aren’t we? Or at least we were. I want that back. I really do.’

‘You want friendship?’

‘Of course.’ She paused. ‘I’m seeing someone now – I met him at uni. Carl. I think you’d like him.’

Carl? I frowned. Sara told me she didn’t even like him that much. He was just another lad she was hanging around with sometimes.

Jay coughed. ‘Yeah. Dec mentioned something. Is it serious then?’

‘Well, it might be. I like him.’

There was a brief silence and some movement in the trees. I flinched, scared that I would be discovered.

‘I’m glad you’re happy, Sara. That’s all I wanted. I just want to find a way where we can be around each other without hurting each other, that’s all. Maybe I want different things from you, I’m not sure.’

‘Jay – I don’t know what you’re saying?’

‘I don’t know, it’s too hard being around you. Maybe our mums were right. Maybe we are too toxic for each other. Maybe even friendship is too much for us.’ His voice was so quiet, barely a whisper. ‘I’m going to go, Sara. Say hi to the others – I don’t think I’m in the mood for this now.’

‘But they’ll want to see you. Stay, don’t be daft.’

‘No, I can’t. I’m sorry.’

He stormed off, luckily in a different direction to where I was standing, and Sara was left on her own. She slumped to the ground, sniffling. She looked broken. Her eyes stared out and, at first, I thought she could see me but then I realised she was looking into nothingness, her fingers gently tracing a marking on the tree.

I stayed and watched until Sara slowly got up and left a few minutes later. She left in the same direction as Jay, her body still slumped, her eyes downcast. I thought of running after her, but then she would’ve known I’d followed her here. She would’ve known I’d been watching.

Instead, I walked over to the tree. The words were carved deep into the bark.

Sara & Jay

4Eva