Pieces of Us

Day Nine

Sara

The bus is crowded, but I manage to find a seat by myself towards the back. Pressed up against the window, I stare out as we climb away from the main roads of the city itself, the signs of summer everywhere. Shops have brightly coloured displays, people are walking in short or loose-fitting clothes showing off tanned legs and arms, the trees are in full bloom.

Tyler said it was going to be a long, hot summer this year – the kind that Lottie always loved, and I always tended to complain about. If Lottie was here now, she would be insisting we go down to the beach, wearing the skimpiest dresses and giggling up at the sun as if it was a gift from the gods.

Guilt prickles in my chest, not only thinking about Lottie, but of Tyler too. I’d tried to call him last night, but he hadn’t answered. This morning he sent me a text suggesting that we meet up and ‘talk things through’. The thought of doing anything heavy like talking about our relationship filled me with dread, but I knew I owed it to Tyler to try and work something out. After all, Tyler was fun, he did make me laugh and for the last year or so he’d taken my mind off the mess of life. Was I avoiding anything too serious because I was terrified of being hurt again? Or maybe, like Jay once told me, I wasn’t the sort of person who would ever be ready to settle down.

I haven’t answered him yet. I’m not even sure what I want from Tyler, but I know I miss his company and could really use someone to cuddle up with right now. Is that enough of a reason to stay with someone? Am I just using him for sex and bed-warming opportunities like he said?

I continue to stare out of the window, blinking back the tears, when my phone buzzes, but I ignore it. It’s likely to be Sharon asking if I can come in on my day off, or maybe Tyler checking the details for tomorrow. I’m too numb to speak to anyone at the moment. Instead I watch as people pass, caught up in their own lives and dreams. I wonder if any of them feel as stuck as me. A twenty-something fuck-up. An emotional wreck. Someone who pushed everyone away, except Lottie, and look how that ended up.

The bus is nearing my mum’s stop so I gather up my bag and phone, glancing down at the screen. There’s a voicemail notification and I click on it, suddenly worried it might be Mum or something.

It’s not.

His voice still has the same effect on me, making my stomach bottom out and icy air swoop in. I have to play it twice to take in the details.

‘Hey, Sara. I’m not sure whether you are getting my messages? I don’t know, maybe you still don’t want to hear from me. I can’t say I blame you, but Sara… I really need to talk to you. I hope you don’t mind me trying again. I’m using my mum’s phone because I figured you might have blocked me or something. Anyway – uh – listen, I’m only going to be down here for a few weeks, I can’t stay with Mum much longer, we’ll drive each other mad, and then I’m going back. I think we have stuff to sort out and talk through. Losing Lottie has made me realise so much. It’s made me see’ – his voice breaks – ‘it’s made me see that life is short and we need to check in on the people we care about. I just hope maybe you feel the same. Call me, please.’

The bus comes to a shuddering stop as my phone falls silent. My head is throbbing slightly.

I don’t know what to do any more. I don’t even know how to think straight.

The estate has declined in the past few years, but I guess that’s no surprise. No one wants to invest in a tatty sprawling housing estate on the rough side of town. I stare up at the dark grey flats, peppered with graffiti and surrounded by unkempt lawns and pathways, and feel a mixture of nostalgia and annoyance. This was my home for so long and I’d always had a fierce sense of pride about it. The people who lived here were kind, hardworking and looked out for one another.

Mum lived on the ground floor of the nearest block and two blocks over Jay’s flat had been on the top floor overlooking the entire grounds.

It’s always weird coming back, like the teenage part of me has returned and suddenly all those feelings of insecurity and freedom come flooding back. I never actually hated being a teen, there was a lot to love about it, but it was fair to say that I’d struggled with finding my place and actually knowing what were the best decisions to make.

Walking past the low brick walk that runs alongside the steps, I remember how me, Jay and Dec, and later Lottie, would meet here, often sat on the rough top, our legs swinging in the wind. If I squint my eyes I can still picture us, like ghosts caught in a photo.

Isn’t it funny how time moves so fast and yet in many ways it barely feels like it’s moved at all?

I push through the heavy doors and stride across the foyer towards my mum’s flat. We were always glad to live at the bottom. The lifts here were forever going on the blink and it also meant we had direct access to the small, scrappy, shared communal garden. Mum had taken over a patch, lining the area outside her back door with plant pots and sticking chairs on the couple of tiles of patio. To most of the residents that lived here, the outdoor bit was owned by her.

I knock on Mum’s door and wait patiently, expecting that she’s out the back and will take her time getting to me, so I’m surprised when she opens the door in a matter of seconds, and I’m even more shocked by the state of her – she looks pretty awful.

My mum never gets sick, she always told us she could never afford to. She’s wearing a scruffy tracksuit and her usually well-groomed hair has been pulled back into a messy ponytail. Her face is pale and lined, make-up free, and she greets me with a loud and rather throaty cough.

‘Bloody hell, you are ill,’ I say, pushing past her to get into the flat. ‘You should have told me before.’

Mum follows me down the hall. As usual it’s spotless in here. Mum hates anything being dirty, but she still has loads of ‘stuff’. I muscle past the bookcase that is overflowing and in the living room I notice she’s added more knick-knacks to the shelves.

‘I figured you had enough on your plate what with Lottie and everything,’ Mum says. ‘Now do you want tea or coffee?’

‘Tea, please, but I can make it.’

Mum immediately pulls a face. ‘I might have a cold but I’m perfectly capable of making us both a cuppa.’ She smiles. ‘Besides, yours are always weak as shit.’

I sit nursing my cup on my knee. Whenever I come back here, I’m reminded of the years I spent laid out on the sofa watching TV or sat in the kitchen wolfing down a hearty dinner. Many times, the others would be with me, although Jay would rarely come when Mum was there. She was never rude to him, but I hated the way her face would go all stiff and closed when she saw him – like he had a bad smell about him. She was always cool about me having people over though, even if she was out. That’s probably why Lottie liked it so much. There were no airs or graces here. You just took us as you found us.

‘I’m sorry I haven’t visited for so long,’ I say. ‘I’ve just been so busy, you know.’

Mum observes me with her clever, grey eyes. ‘We both have.’

I returned from travelling four years ago, and in that time I’ve only come to see Mum a handful of times, which is crazy when you think I only live a matter of minutes away. The last time I came was a few weeks ago when I first heard Lottie had died, but before that it had been Christmas and I hadn’t stayed long. I knew Kyle was due that afternoon and to be honest I didn’t have the energy to face him and his dramas. Visits to Mum’s had been awkward and sometimes ill-tempered. Mum hadn’t been happy with my choices after university. She had longed for me to settle down into a ‘proper job’ and maybe even meet a decent young man. My numerous temping jobs and long-term waitressing role before I went travelling were viewed as ‘wasteful’. I tried to argue that I was just passing time until I found the right art-based job but Mum could see right through me and I knew it. I was too scared to commit to anything.

‘I’m glad you came,’ Mum continues gently. ‘When you told me before about Lottie, you were in and out of here. I barely had a chance to speak to you.’

‘It was hard. I thought I wanted to talk at the time, but—’ I shook my head. ‘You know, it was Lottie who made me come today.’ I tell mum about Lottie’s Jar of Joy and watch as a smile slowly spreads across her face.

‘I always thought that girl had her head in the clouds, but that’s actually a really sweet thing to do.’ She pauses. ‘She must have known that you and me hadn’t been spending much time together.’

‘Well, she knew that since I got back I didn’t really see anyone. I just threw myself into work.’ I think of Derek and the long conversations we’d had, and realise that he’s been my substitution since I’d blocked my family out.

‘I know I was angry about you travelling at first, but that was only because I didn’t want you throwing your life away like I did. You’re so bright, so talented…’ She trailed off, probably because she saw the look on my face. ‘I’m sorry,’ she says finally, sipping her tea. ‘This isn’t the time. I can see that.’

‘I’m happy, Mum, honestly. You don’t have to keep nagging me.’

‘But are you?’ Those dark eyes seem to be burning into mine. ‘I’m not silly, Sara. I know what you do when you’re upset about things. You shut yourself away. You did the same when Kyle was arrested and then later with that upset with Jay. Now that Lottie has gone, you are even more isolated. I just want you to have someone, and something to focus on.’

‘I have my work.’ But even as I say this, Jess’s face comes to mind – how often she’s told me to call her, and how I’ve resisted. I wiggle in my seat, irritated. I hate it when Mum is right.

‘I look back now, and I think the travelling was good for you, it made you strong and independent – but you still need your family and friends,’ Mum says carefully. ‘Kyle has been asking after you. You know he’s in a better place now, he—’

‘I’m not here to talk about Kyle, Mum,’ I snap. Of course she has to bring her golden boy up again. Kyle has only ever been a cause of drama in this family – I was pretty sure he was the last thing I needed.

Kyle was the other source of disagreement between me and Mum. Every time I did visit, she would bring him into conversation, try and paint him as a new, reformed guy. I didn’t buy it. Kyle was the angry, destructive force that destroyed my childhood and drove a wedge between me and Jay. No good could come from having him back in my life.

Mum is staring at me intently.

‘Well – I can’t believe I’m saying this – but I wonder if you should reach out to Jay.’

A half-laugh splutters from my lips. ‘Really? God you must be worried about me.’

‘Jay knows you better than anyone,’ she says quietly. ‘And maybe, looking back, I can accept I was wrong to try and stop the pair of you being friends. It was never fair. You two had no reason to fall out – the argument wasn’t yours to cling onto.’

‘No…’ I lower my eyes. ‘But Jay ended up showing his true colours anyway. You were right all the time, Mum. The Walkers were never any good. I should have listened to you then.’

‘The past is in the past. Maybe you should listen to me again.’ Her voice is more earnest now. ‘Sometimes it’s better to forgive than to spend years holding onto bitterness.’

I leave the estate feeling a little lighter than when I arrived. Mum had hugged me at the door as I was leaving, and I had greedily drunk in the scent of her. For too long I’d thought that I was fine as I was – that being independent was the best way to be – but standing with my Mum’s arms pulled tight around me made me realise that I needed her more than ever.

‘Come again soon,’ she demanded. ‘I want to know all the other crazy places Lottie has sent you.’

‘I will,’ I promised. ‘Maybe one of the messages will take me somewhere hot like Spain or France. Here’s hoping, eh?’

Mum was already fanning herself. ‘It’s plenty hot enough here. Anyway, those messages mean something, remember that. Lottie took her time to send you somewhere that was important to both you and her.’

Shading my eyes from the sun, I grin at the ugly grey building that I’ve always had such mixed thoughts about before. I guess Dorothy was right all those years ago. There really is no place like home.

‘Hey, Sara!’

I spin around. I recognise the voice of course, but I hardly believe who I’m seeing. Surely, he can’t be here too?

‘Jay?’

He jogs over towards me, his dark curls floppy against his face, his blue eyes even lighter in the bright sun. He grins and my legs still wobble slightly. I hate that. It’s like my body is betraying me.

‘What are you doing here?’ I say sharply. ‘It’s almost like you’re following me.’

The thought does cross my mind. After all, he was outside the cafe too, and he left the message on my phone. I know he wants to talk, but this reeks of desperation.

‘I’ve been staying with my mum. Didn’t you get my message?’

My gaze automatically switches to his flat, so high up with views to die for. I’ve known Jay since we were little kids, but I’ve only visited that flat once. His mother would never let me in. I was bad blood in her eyes.

‘I’m surprised you’re not in some posh hotel somewhere,’ I mutter.

‘Nah, I wanted to be with Mum while I was here. Work have given me some time off but I can still catch up on stuff remotely anyway. I saw you out of the window. You’re visiting home too, eh?’

I nod. I almost tell him about Lottie’s jar and then think better of it. It’s better that it’s just ‘our’ thing. I don’t want it to be something else he might spoil. ‘How long are you here? I thought you were just staying for Lottie’s funeral.’

Jay hitches himself up on the low wall and gestures for me to sit next to him. I shift on the spot, feeling uncomfortable; we were different people when we used to sit here. I find myself leaning against it instead. A kind of compromise.

‘I was going to go back straight after, but Mum was a bit low…’ Jay shrugs. ‘I figured it would be nice to stick around for a few more days. Visit some old haunts.’

‘Like the cafe.’

‘Yeah…’ Jay is staring at me intently. It makes my entire skin buzz, like he’s sending an electric current into my veins. ‘Sara, I wanted to catch up with you, too. I know time has passed and all of that, but I still feel like there is unfinished business between us.’

‘There really isn’t.’ I try to keep my voice light. ‘We got together a few times, so what? We were young. We both knew it was a mistake.’

‘We never got a chance to sort things out properly.’

‘You made your choice, Jay.’ I hear the wobble in my voice and quickly turn away. ‘Look, I don’t want to go into all this again. It’s not fair now that Lottie has gone. You wanted to be with her not me, and I get that, I really do. I’m sorry it didn’t work out between you.’ There is so much ice in my tone, I can barely recognise myself. Jay has the decency to look away.

‘I didn’t mean to hurt her, or you,’ he says quietly. ‘It was a horrible, messy situation. I got so much wrong.’

‘Yeah – well, that’s not my problem.’

I go to walk away but he jumps off the wall and comes up to me. He gently touches my arm. I have to pull away quickly, remembering a time when I longed for him to grab me like that.

‘Sara, please – can we just talk properly? Just one night? It doesn’t even have to be about anything serious. I could just use a friend at the moment, an old friend. Don’t you remember how we used to talk about everything?’ I can’t speak. I simply nod my head instead. ‘I hate how complicated things got for us. Why did it matter that my dad was once shagging your mum? It wasn’t to do with us, we were just kids. It wasn’t our fault that Kyle decided to hurt him. The whole thing got into both our heads.’

‘Kyle had his reasons,’ I remind him a bit agitated now. ‘Your dad was a controlling idiot, he made my mum’s life hell and she changed when she was with him. For ages he kept telling her he was going to leave your mum for her and then he would leave her for weeks without any contact. He made her feel worthless and small.’

Jay’s features stiffen. ‘I know he’s got his faults, Sara. You don’t have to remind me. He destroyed my mum, too – but he’s still my dad, whatever happened, and he didn’t deserve that beating Kyle gave him.’

‘He thought he was protecting our family,’ I say. ‘He didn’t like how your dad was treating everyone. He was sick of the lies and pretence.’ I sigh. ‘Besides, Kyle has his own problems. He’s never been able to manage his emotions. But he paid the price for what he did, Jay. Youth detention nearly finished him and he’s not been the same since.’

‘I know that. I don’t blame Kyle, not really. I don’t really blame anyone.’ Jay sounds so sad. ‘But it messed us all up. We always felt guilty for being close, for having a bond that no one else understood.’

‘My mum used to say your family were dangerous.’ I giggle despite myself. ‘You were the least dangerous person I knew.’

Although he could still cause harm. I’d learnt that to my regret.

‘My mum said your family were all cheats and liars, and you were the most honest and decent person I’ve ever met.’ Jay shrugs. ‘Families get it wrong sometimes.’

I think of what Mum said to me earlier, about letting go of bitterness. ‘Perhaps not all the time,’ I say hesitantly. ‘Look, maybe we can go for that drink. But just one, OK? Tomorrow.’

‘Really?’ Jay looks stunned.

‘It’s just a drink, it’s no big deal,’ I say, walking away. ‘It’s not like it will ever be like it used to be between us.’

Because that’s not what I want.

Is it?