Five Years Before
Lottie
It was much later. I had started drinking again, not really caring what it was – vodka, wine, beer – what did it matter? I felt numb to it all. The music thumped and swirled around me, but I felt like I was in my own quiet bubble. I floated from room to room. My stomach was acid, my throat was raw, my head was so heavy I could barely keep it upright.
Jay and Sara had been gone for over an hour. Were they even coming back? But from here I could do nothing. They were together. They would probably be together forever now.
I wobbled on the spot. The room was spinning. Light danced in front of my eyes. Someone grabbed my arm.
‘Lottie, come here. Let’s get some air.’ It was Dec. He took me outside. The pool was glinting in the moonlight. It almost looked pretty.
Dec led me to a chair and sat me down. ‘You don’t look good,’ he said quietly. ‘Shall I help you to bed?’
‘No… I’m fine here. Leave me.’
‘I can help you clean up, too,’ he continued, looking around the garden. ‘It probably isn’t as bad as it looks. Once we get started, we can—’
‘Dec,’ I interrupt, fighting back a hiccough in my throat. ‘It’s OK. I’m not that bothered. I’ll stay here. Maybe I’ll choke on my sick. Maybe someone will notice me then.’
Dec shifted uneasily on his chair. ‘You are noticed, Lottie. We all notice you.’
I thought of Sara and Jay and made a snorting noise. Yeah, right. I barely mattered to them. But I couldn’t talk to Dec about this. He was too sweet, too innocent.
‘My mum doesn’t…’ I said instead, desperate to deflect. ‘I never even hear from her now.’
‘I’m sure she does notice you, Lottie. Parents just get caught up in their own stuff, don’t they? I know mine work a lot and only seem obsessed with how I’m doing at work and how much money I’m making, but I know they care really.’
‘I don’t think mine do, not really.’ I sighed, realising that a wound was beginning to open. ‘Even when I was little, I was just another thing that they could show off, then they ended up fighting over me. Dad left without too much of a fight and thinks that he can sow affection by throwing cash at me, and Mum doesn’t know what to do with me now that I’m no longer a cute little kid that she can dress up and control.’
I wasn’t expecting those words to tumble out, but they did, spilling out of me like a tap that has been turned on full. I was a little shocked. I shivered slightly in the night breeze. Dec noticed and moved closer; he awkwardly put his arm around me and hugged me.
‘I’m sorry, Lottie. That sounds hard.’
‘I’m sorry I poured it all out to you. I just hate it sometimes. All I’ve ever wanted to do is find somewhere where I fit in, find someone who gets me.’
‘I understand that, I do.’
Dec moved slowly towards me. I wasn’t expecting him to try and kiss me but as his lips neared mine, I realised his intent and quickly turned away, giggling softly.
‘No – Dec, I’m sorry, but I don’t want that.’
Dec looked hurt, he pushed his glasses back and moved slightly away from me. ‘I’m sorry, Lottie, I’ve been drinking. I wasn’t thinking.’
‘It’s OK. Don’t worry. I just can’t…’
‘You fancy him, don’t you?’ His voice was barely a whisper.
‘No. No, I don’t.’
I pulled myself up, trying not to laugh. My head was slightly clearer now, and my stomach was no longer rolling inside of me. The fresh air was clearly helping. ‘I think I might go for a walk,’ I told him. ‘It’ll make me feel better.’
‘Do you want me to come with you?’
‘No, stay here.’ I smiled stiffly. ‘Try and encourage these people to leave. I won’t be long.’
Dec nodded. ‘OK, but be careful.’
I told him I would be. The truth was I wasn’t planning to go far. I moved towards the back gate, already tasting the sea on my lips.
‘Lottie,’ Dec called suddenly. I turned back. He was standing facing me, looking serious, his face creased in concern. ‘You’ll never stop them being together. Eventually it will happen.’
I nodded in reply but said nothing back. There seemed little point.
Dec thought he knew us all so well, but really Dec knew nothing at all.
I wandered down to the beach, knowing they would still be there as it wasn’t far from the flat. The breeze was cool by now and it whipped at my face and body. I folded my arms across myself as I picked my way down the worn track that led to the waterfront. I don’t really know what I was planning to do. Confront them both perhaps? Tell them they were wasting their time with each other, that all they would do is hurt and upset each other. They were better as friends, surely anyone could see that?
We should all just stay as friends – forever.
I crossed the road opposite the beach. It was empty of course. At this time of night, even drunken revellers had moved away. I stood for a moment just taking in the sight of the crashing waves, breathing in the salty air. The best part of living here had been this place – it was so refreshing, so pure. It helped to clear my mind when it felt at its most cluttered. In a stupid way, standing here in the darkness, I almost felt like anything was possible – like I was at the end of the world, waiting for my life to start.
I heard the noise. A slight giggle, a movement on the shingle.
Walking onto the beach itself, the sharp stones dug in where the soles of my shoes were too thin and flimsy. It was all I could do not to yell out in pain. Instead, I bit my lip, pressing forward – trying to work out where the sound was coming from.
I saw them straight away. They were against the groynes, or at least Sara was. She was pressed up against the wood and Jay was on top of her.
They were kissing hungrily.
Transfixed, I stilled for a moment, weird thoughts flashing through my mind, like: Wasn’t Sara feeling the sharp rocks in her legs and bum as Jay pressed on top of her? Didn’t they care that they were out in public? For a stupid moment, I thought they were just messing around, but then I heard Sara’s groan. I watched as Jay thrust against her in both a primal and tender move.
Something exploded inside of me. It felt both terrifying and crushingly sad.
I quickly moved away, scared to make noise but also dimly aware that the two of them were so wrapped up in each other they would never have noticed me anyway. I was invisible again.
Back in the flat I pushed past Dec as he tried to talk to me, running into my bedroom.
Alone, all I wanted to do was scream. My body was hot and stiff, my stomach swirled with sickness and emotion. Every time I closed my eyes, I pictured the two of them shagging in the sand. That was it now. They would be a couple. They would fall in love.
And I would be alone again.
I thought of Dec, downstairs, still trying to clean up, still trying to make things better. I knew he was a good friend and possibly he fancied me, but he wasn’t enough. And even if I could persuade myself to like him, he would be leaving to go to America in a few months.
He would still end up leaving me.
This room was still so new, so fresh – I’d barely bothered to decorate it. It was cold, unloved and plain.
We had much in common.
I walked over to my latest Jar of Joy, sitting smug on my windowsill. So many times I’d reached inside, drawing out memories to make me feel better. The one I had drawn out this morning still lay folded beside it. I knew the words off by heart.
Remember when you moved here, your first day of sixth form.
Remember how you felt when you first met Sara. How she scared and intrigued you.
Remember when you first became friends.
I picked up the message and tore it up into tiny, tiny pieces and then dropped them around my feet as if they were flecks of ash from a fire.
I wished I’d never met them.