Pieces of Us

Five Years Before

Lottie

It was late morning, almost afternoon, by the time I woke the next day, sore and miserable and still clothed in my dress from the night before. My mouth was dry and tasted rancid and, after staggering to the bathroom, I went downstairs to get a drink, dreading what I might find. But the flat looked in a reasonable state. On the kitchen counter was a note from Dec – telling me he’d done all he could, and he hoped I was OK.

Guilt rose inside me; he was such a nice guy, I should have treated him better.

I poured myself a water and guzzled it down, trying to fix the throbbing in my head. I thought again of Jay and Sara on the beach and felt sick. I wish I hadn’t gone down there; sometimes it’s better not to see these things.

I was about to go off for a well-needed shower when I heard a movement behind me.

It was Sara. She looked awful.

‘Lottie,’ she said quietly. ‘I need your help.’

We sat down in the kitchen. I tried to ignore my pounding headache and impending sense of doom. This was just like being a kid again when Mum would tell me about another one of her hobbies or outings, something new and exciting that she would cast me aside for. I was never the centre of anyone’s life.

‘I’m sorry we left the party yesterday,’ Sara said.

I noticed how she said ‘we’ but tried not to fixate on it, instead busying myself pouring us both a fresh orange juice. I figured we could both use the vitamins. Sara wasn’t exactly glowing either, in fact she looked like shit – her skin was dull, and her eyes lacked their usual sparkle. She didn’t look like someone who had just shagged the guy she fancied on the beach.

‘I felt so rough and as you know me and Jay ended up going for a walk…’ Her voice trailed off as she accepted my drink. She took a sip and flinched slightly. ‘Things have got kind of complicated.’

‘Oh yeah?’ I tried to act dumb.

‘Yeah.’ Her cheeks began to colour a little. ‘We were talking and messing around a bit and then before I knew it, well, we kind of ended up having sex.’

She wasn’t talking like this was the happiest event in her life. I sipped my own drink, trying not to recoil at the sourness. My stomach rolled a little, like a giant marble sat unstable inside of me.

‘That’s good, isn’t it?’ I probed. ‘It’s what you wanted?’

‘Yeah, I guess. I mean – yes, it’s what I wanted, but we were both drunk. I’m not sure if this is what Jay would want, not really. And it complicates things. We always agreed to be just friends and now things are… messy.’

She crinkled her nose at this and pushed aside her drink. ‘I need to talk to him, Lottie, like really talk to him, but after we… well, finished, we started to walk back here. It was a bit awkward, you know – I don’t know if either of us knew what to say. And then Dec ran out of the flat. He said Jay’s mum had been trying to get hold of him – but of course I’d dropped his bloody phone in the paddling pool. In desperation she had called Dec. His dad was in hospital, he’s really sick apparently. So Jay just – he just took off…’

‘Oh shit, poor Jay…’ I breathed out.

Sara nodded. ‘Obviously I can’t go and see him now, it wouldn’t be right. His family need him, and they wouldn’t want me there, I’d be the last person they’d want around. I could wait, I know – but I just want to tell him, you know? I want him to know that I am interested in taking things further, if he does. I understand if he just wants to be friends, but I need to know one way or another. This going back and forth is driving me mad.’

‘He might not be in the right headspace now,’ I reasoned.

‘I know. I get that…’ She rubbed at her head. ‘Maybe it’s selfish of me, but I’m going up to my nan’s for a couple of weeks so I’m not going to be around. She needs some help after her hip operation. To be honest, I need the space. I just wish there was a way I could tell him how I really feel. If he had his phone, I could just message him or something, but that’s not an option and I don’t want to talk to Dec about it. He’d just mess it up.’

‘I see…’ I considered this for a moment or two. ‘Well, maybe you need to take the more old-fashioned approach?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, Mum still has the love letters stored in her bedroom that Dad used to send her. They are a bit grim to be honest, I read a few once and regretted it immediately. Those two were a right dirty pair.’ I shuddered at the memory. ‘But if you can’t text or talk to Jay – surely a letter would make sense? You could tell him how you feel, lay it on the line. Ask him to contact you or something if he’s really interested in being more serious?’

Sara seemed to brighten. ‘That does seem a cute idea, but I couldn’t risk delivering it to his place. If his mum saw me with it, she’d probably tear it to pieces.’

I forced a smile. ‘Well, that’s where I can come in. I’ve always fancied myself as a bit of a cupid.’

I found Sara a pretty notepad from my room, gave her a pen and left her in the kitchen writing while I had a hot shower. I was amazed at how much better I was feeling. The headache had bled away, and my stomach had settled. I sung softly under my breath, rubbing cream into my body and inhaling the sweet scent.

I was doing a good thing here. In the long run, I was helping both Sara and Jay. Everybody could see that they would be a mess of a couple, and I would only end up picking up the pieces later on.

It was so much better to intervene early on, to help them both move on. I was being the good person here.

Sara handed me the folded note. There was no envelope, just two simple pieces of paper.

She smiled faintly. ‘I did what you suggested. I told him how I felt and asked him to call me while I was away if he was interested in something more. If he’s not, I’ve given him the easy way out. He doesn’t contact me, and we just remain friends.’

‘At least you’ll know, one way or another,’ I told her. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll make sure he gets it. What time are you going to your nan’s?’

‘Soon,’ she replied. ‘I don’t want to stick around. Nan is struggling at the moment and I want to spend some precious time with her, you know?’

‘I know,’ I said, even though I didn’t really. Dad’s parents died long before I was born and Mum’s lived in a villa in Spain. They called whenever they remembered and sent me money for my birthday, but it wasn’t the same. I never really had a family of my own.

Holding Sara’s letter tightly in my hand, I could almost feel the hope burning through it. Sara gave me one last tight smile before leaving to get her stuff ready.

‘I know I’m probably wasting my time,’ she said. ‘Jay will probably just want to stay friends and that’s fine, I just don’t want him to make a fool of me. That’s fair enough, isn’t it? I just don’t want him to treat me like a mug.’

‘I’m sure he won’t, Sara.’

‘Thanks, Lottie,’ she said softly. ‘I know I wasn’t always good to you, especially when you first joined our school, but I want you to know how much you mean to me.’

She gave me a tight little hug. I could still smell Jay’s scent on her clothes. I pulled back and forced a grin.

‘It’s not a problem,’ I said sweetly. ‘It’s what I’m here for.’

I watched and waited as she closed the bedroom door behind her and then drew a breath.

It didn’t take me long to forge the letter. After all, I was well skilled in it after years of forging Mum’s writing to get out of PE or miss a day of school when I was younger. Sara’s loopy, almost childish handwriting was easy to copy. I tried not to cringe as I read her words, telling Jay how much he meant to her and how she had now realised that she wanted to be his girlfriend. How sad she was to be going away, but how she hoped it would give them the chance to realise what they both wanted and maybe, just maybe, they could give their relationship a chance.

‘“If you don’t want to be with me I understand, I do,”’ I read aloud, hearing the cruelness of my tone but not able to stop it. ‘“I just need to know where I stand. I’ll be at my nan’s. I’ve put my number on the bottom of this letter in case you can’t remember it. If you want to give things a go, call me – but if you don’t, leave it. Your silence will tell me all I need to know.”’

It was sweet, it really was, and I knew it would have the desired effect on Jay. He would fall for the words, he would call Sara and they would delude themselves in their happy ever after for a little longer, meanwhile ignoring the obvious flaws. Would Jay just continue to let Sara treat him like rubbish? Would the pair of them shut everyone out? They would be a damaged couple. Everyone knew it – even they did, deep down – I was sure of it.

As I began to write, I pushed back the guilt. I was doing the right thing here. I was a daughter of divorce; I’d seen the end result of toxic love. An intervention was needed.

I’m going away for a bit because I’m confused and a little upset by everything. We shouldn’t have done what we did last night. Sex was a step too far and I really regret it now. We were both drunk and emotional and it’s not what I wanted. We know how our parents would react and I’m not sure that’s the kind of stress I need. We should just be friends, Jay, but I’m not even sure we can be that now. Call me if you want to talk it through, but I understand if it’s a bit heavy for you. If not, let’s just carry on as before when I get back. I don’t want to make a big fuss of this. I’d rather just forget it ever happened.

There. It was done. I folded the pages just as Sara had and put Sara’s copy into my diary. I don’t know why I didn’t just throw it away, but something told me that was a step too far. Her words didn’t deserve to be destroyed, just hidden, and one day, hopefully, she would thank me for this. I pictured us as older women; Sara would be married to someone else, have children of her own and Jay would be a distant memory. Maybe Jay would be with someone else – someone who could love and look after him.

Maybe one day, Jay could be with me.

The idea had only just spilled into my mind, a taunting and intriguing thought. After all, if I was with Jay I would be totally in control. I could stop this nonsense between them forever. And I would never, ever be left out again.

Maybe I was the solution?

Even though it was a baking hot afternoon and quite a trek, I decided to walk to Jay’s. I needed the air. I just hoped that Jay wouldn’t suspect anything and that my writing would be convincing enough.

I’d only been to Jay’s flat once before; he was still living with his mum, a couple of blocks away from Sara’s mum’s place, and usually didn’t have friends over because his mum got stressed out about it. His flat was on the third floor. I knocked on the painted white door and stood back nervously, wondering if his mum might answer. Sara had always made her out to be quite a cow and I wasn’t sure she would be that pleased to see me either.

Thankfully it was Jay who answered. He looked flustered and a little confused to see me. I noticed that his hair was damp, like he had just stepped out of the shower. I felt myself flush a little. He really was quite cute.

‘Lottie? What are you doing here?’

I handed him the letter, telling him that Sara had gone to see her nan and had asked me to bring it to him, because she couldn’t ‘face him herself’. I tried to ignore the pained expression in his eyes. He didn’t open it in front of me.

‘She doesn’t want to be with me, does she?’ he said flatly, fingering the pages. ‘I should have guessed. I keep doing this to myself.’

‘I’m sorry, Jay,’ I said softly. ‘I told her she needed to tell you. It’s only fair.’

‘It’s a shame she couldn’t tell me face to face. A letter?’ He scoffed. ‘What are we? Five?’

‘To be fair, your phone is broken, and she was scared of bumping into your mum. She wanted you to know before she went away.’

‘That’s big of her.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I said again.

He swiped his hand across his face, a wry grin settled. ‘It’s all right. I mean, I thought after last night… but I guess I got the signs wrong again. I keep doing that.’

‘She’s been blowing hot and cold, Jay. It isn’t fair on you.’

Jay shrugged. ‘It’s OK. At least I know now.’ He shoved the letter in his pocket. ‘I would invite you in, Lottie, but I’m getting ready to see my dad…’

‘How is he?’

‘Better. He’ll need a stent in his heart, but apparently after that he should be much better.’ Jay nodded, almost as if he was convincing himself. ‘It’s probably best that Sara said this, you know – I have lots on my plate at the moment. I don’t need more complications, more stress.’

‘Yeah, I get that.’ I paused. ‘But Jay, I’m here for you – you know? If you need a friend, or whatever.’

‘Thanks, Lottie.’ His smile was warmer now. ‘I appreciate that.’

I watched as his hand subconsciously touched his pocket again and then he nodded and closed the door.

Sara rang me constantly while she was away, asking me how Jay was. She was upset that he hadn’t contacted her but assumed that he had made his decision.

‘I think he’s got too much going on,’ I soothed. ‘What with his dad’s operation and thinking about his job. He’s still in line for that promotion apparently. Maybe it’s not the right time for him to be in anything heavy.’

‘Maybe,’ Sara whispered.

‘You’re still friends, aren’t you?’ I said. The silence on the other end of the phone told me all I needed to know. As I suspected, Sara couldn’t see Jay as a friend now. They had stepped too far over the line and now he had hurt her. She might like to pretend that they could carry on as usual, but I could see right through that.

‘Maybe I need a longer break away from him. Away from everything?’ she said finally. ‘Dec joked that I should go travelling. That it would be a good way to clear my head. Maybe I should look into it.’

‘Travelling…?’ I repeated. ‘That seems a bit drastic. You don’t need to run away, Sara. I’ll always be here for you.’

My thoughts were hurtling around inside of me. This wasn’t what I wanted. I had always been frightened of what might happen if Jay and Sara ever became a couple, but I had never considered what might happen if Sara was no longer around. How could I manage without her?

‘But it wouldn’t be running away. It would be getting some space…’ She paused. ‘Anyway, it’s probably a crazy idea. I’d miss you guys too much.’

I smiled. ‘And I would miss you, just like I’m missing you right now.’

And I was.

But Sara was at her nan’s longer than I had expected and as a result Jay and I spent more time together. The weeks soon sped away. I went to the hospital a few times with him to visit his dad. I even met his mum a few times and she was lovely, not at all the scary monster Sara had made out. I was a shoulder for Jay to cry on. He talked about Sara a lot, he was confused and hurt – but mostly he was frustrated.

‘I can’t keep wasting my time on her,’ he told me sadly. ‘It’s messing with my head.’

I just made sure I was a reassuring presence. The good friend. The hand holder. I played my role well. I knew that Jay was coming to rely on me.

‘What’s going on with you two?’ Dec asked one evening when they were both round mine. Jay had slipped out to the loo, and it was just me and Dec in the living room. His eyes were boring into mine. ‘You’ve been stuck to each other like glue these past few weeks. Is there something I should know?’

‘Nothing at all,’ I smiled. ‘I just care about Jay, that’s all.’

Dec’s gaze wouldn’t leave mine. ‘I don’t know what game you’re playing here, Lottie, but I know somebody is going to get badly hurt. It could end up being you.’

I held his gaze. ‘That’s not going to happen. Dec.’

I was confident I was in control.

Later that evening, I sat on the floor holding an old Jar of Joy. This one was from when I first joined Jay and Sara’s school.

Sometimes I needed to remember a time that was good in my old house, or a happy memory of my parents – but this was not that time. Right now, I needed to engage with something more recent.

I reached inside and pulled out a folded piece of paper, my fingers fluttering at the edges, almost wary of opening it. But it was like I knew exactly what it would say, even though I couldn’t be sure, I couldn’t know what message was written on there.

Tears pricked my eyes.

Jay sat next to me at lunch today. He was so kind, asking how I was and if he could help with anything.

He really cares about me.

I think he could make me really happy.

Remember his smile and the way he makes you feel.

I’m certain he’s the one.

My breathing was a little unsteady and tears were now streaming down my face. I’d forgotten how Jay had made me feel in those early months. How kind he had been, how sweet.

It just made everything so much harder.