Three Years Before
Lottie
Jay and I kind of stayed together, but it was never real, never substantial. I knew this. We were just the ones left over when Sara left and Dec too, for a job in London. Jay was depressed for a time and spent a lot of time alone in his flat.
He thought about phoning Sara occasionally but soon talked himself out of it. After all, she had left him. She clearly didn’t care. He needed her and she went. He convinced himself it wasn’t meant to be and yes, maybe I had a hand in that.
We were on/off with each other for the next two and a half years. When Jay had been drinking, he would come to mine, and we would talk and often sleep together. I was his pity shag and my self-esteem was so low I just accepted it. Jay never wanted me, I knew that. He told me that he didn’t want to string me along. He told me he could never love me. Many times, he tried to break off our weird relationship, but I begged him not to. I told him that everyone left me in the end. He was the only one still here. Out of guilt we clung to each other.
By the end, we were a mess, barely even friends. Jay resented spending time with me and I hated the fact that he could never see me as anything more than he did. Dec came to visit us. He was completely pissed off with the entire situation and tried to talk some sense into me. Instead, we ended up getting drunk together and having disappointing sex in a back alley by the pub. I knew Dec would tell Jay. I think he was hoping it would make Jay end the whole charade. I was hoping it might make Jay jealous and it would make him see sense.
Jay didn’t seem to care either way. Actually, he thought it was kind of funny. The three of us were so fucked up – it was like we had completely lost our way since Sara had gone.
We didn’t realise Sara was back from her travels until we saw her in town. We were in the park, ironically having another disagreement. Jay was telling me that he was leaving for good. He had a job in Newcastle, and he wanted to move there to be closer to his dad, to escape the mess of his life. When I started to cry, Jay pulled me into a hug.
‘I’m sorry, Lottie. You never should have been caught up in this crap.’
When we drew away Sara was just standing there, like a ghost from the past. She had a rigid grin on her face, but I could see the pain flashing in her eyes.
‘Hey.’ She smiled. ‘I’m glad to see it worked out for you both.’
I think Jay was about to tell her the truth, that we weren’t a couple, that we never had been, really – but Sara interrupted in her usual blunt way. She started telling us too brightly about her fun times in Spain, how she had a new job in the care home and how her new boyfriend Ty was ‘amazing’ and made her so happy. I tried to ignore how much Jay stiffened next to me as she spoke.
When she walked away, Jay turned to me. I saw tears sparkle in his eyes.
‘This is why I have to go, Lottie. I can’t be with you; I can’t be here any more. I will always be in love with Sara, so it’s best for everyone if I go.’
And then he left me standing in the park, my whole world crashing down around me, and I knew then – above everything else – that I deserved this. I had caused this. All the pain and lies had been for nothing.
I was still desperately alone.