Chapter 7 Numb
It kills me that I now resent the song ‘Numb’ by Linkin Park, all because he was named after the band. But that is exactly how I feel. Numb. I don’t know if I possess any feeling other than desolation.
The first few weeks at my old school have been the epitome of hell. By the end of the first week, a cacophony of rumours threatened to drown me. They ranged from Lincoln supposedly dumping me, to Billie and him reigniting an old flame they once had, to him cheating on me our whole relationship with her.
The worst one that swirled in my mind was how Lincoln preferred a girl that looked more like him (AKA fit). My insecurities about my body and idea of perfection intensified tenfold, pushing me to take drastic measures and make an appointment with my doctor to discuss weight loss. My BMI was in the ‘obese’ category, so he had no qualms about prescribing me a year-long prescription for a weight loss drug, which was surprisingly easy to get my hands on.
Now, for the first time in weeks, I feel like this could be the answer to a new beginning for me. What better way to show him what he’s missing than by having a major glow-up? I had already started limiting my food and exercising. This drug just helps see results faster. Nausea, cramping and constipation are common side effects of the weekly injection, but then again, the same symptoms could be said about having to see Lincoln around school with her.
Preferring to live in lala land, I keep my head down most of the time, determined to ignore the constant jabs and sneers from my peers. I also don’t want to see the smirks from spiteful bitches or his disgusting buddies, knowing they are revelling in my heartache.
I forgot to take my injection this morning, which is why I am hiding in toilets that look more like a dungeon. The hallway is dimly lit, and no one really comes down here unless they are blowing their boyfriends. If I get caught with a needle at school, I’ll for sure be expelled, but I need to inject myself. It’s a visceral need to speed the process up faster.
Pinching my skin to find a non-tender spot, I freeze when I hear the click clack of footsteps drawing closer. Please, God, don’t let it be anyone I know. I’ve already resigned myself to the fact that I’m stuck in this rank cubicle until they leave.
‘I still can’t believe the audacity of Amity, just barging into the party like she did.’ My heart leaps into my throat at my name. Our group has pretty much been divided down the middle since the incident, but the nasally voice bouncing off the walls is definitely Billie’s best friend, Zara, who clearly hasn’t moved on from that night.
‘I know, right? So desperate,’ another lackey joins in. I can’t decipher who it is. I crouch on the toilet, praying I stay invisible.
‘As if she thought Lincoln would stay with a fat shit like her,’ Zara spits out again, making the rest bark out in laughter. There are four, maybe five of them.
‘Shamu never stood a chance. Always thinking she was better than us.’ Hearing Billie call me a whale makes me light-headed.
Is this what he thinks as well?
‘He loves to toss me around. Says that he loves my body, how little and light I am. He barely needs to hold me with two hands when he fucks me against the wall.’
Water cascades down my face, hearing these painful revelations. Strangling my throat, I cut off circulation to stop the onslaught of heaving.
‘I bet she was a starfish in bed, if he could even find her pussy beneath all those rolls. Do you think she had to lift the skin up so he could find it?’ one of them cruelly cackles.
What they’re saying is asphyxiating.
They are ruining the most precious memory I shared with Lincoln with their taunts.
Holding my breath, I know what I have to do.
With shaky hands and eyes closed, I push the plunger of the needle down, feeling the sting in my skin.
‘She knew you liked him and went after him anyway. Such a sweaty skank,’ Zara pipes up again.
Huh?
She’s the one who outwardly flirted with my boyfriend, over and over.
‘How has it been with Linc since she got back?’ one of her minions asks sympathetically, as if my return is the worst thing in the world.
‘Let’s just say I’ve been occupying his time so he doesn’t have a spare minute to even think about her.’ Her tone is villainously gleeful, and I’ll bet she is sporting the smuggest smirk.
‘I bet he was only nice to her as a favour to his mum or something. Didn’t she die?’ a crony chimes in.
Sickness swamps every part of my body at the mention of Linc’s innocent mum.
‘Oh, I know he was only with her out of guilt or a twisted sense of moral duty. Apparently, their dads are best friends, so he didn’t want to ruin their relationship. He was so relieved when she left. It was literally like losing a hundred kilos of dead weight. He didn’t look like the bad guy, breaking up with Shrek.’
Feeling dizzy, I stabilise myself on the toilet by pressing my palms to the sides of the walls.
Is that true? It sounds plausible. As I filter through how Lincoln treated me over the past few months, I feel it in my gut; that he truly feels that way about me.
‘And get this,’ Billie goes on conspiratorially. ‘He even bought her a gym membership so she could lose weight, but she left before he could give it to her. He was trying to help her shed the kilos so she had some sort of glow-up before he broke up with her.’
‘Oh my God. Stop. What a nice guy, to even think like that!’ Zara says.
That isn’t true. I mean, he could have bought it, but as I recall, my version of events from our conversations about gym is vastly different. I wanted to start pilates and yoga because of my back problems, and he said he didn’t want to miss an opportunity to see my ass in tights, so he’d come with me.
‘I know, right? Apparently, he gave her some lame excuse about wanting to see her in tights.’
Scrunching my eyes shut, I prayed to every god that she will just stop talking. Every word, every sentence is like I am at my own crucifixion.
They can all go fuck a cactus. They’re pricks, the lot of them.
‘So glad she isn’t a part of the group anymore. Honestly, all of Lincoln’s friends couldn’t stand her. They pitied how pathetic she is. Did you hear that all the guys played fuck, marry, kill, and almost all of them said to shoot the cow with a pistol?’ one of them cracks.
The final nail in the coffin or dagger to my heart is Billie admitting they have been talking behind my back. ‘He used to tell me his friends weren’t the biggest fans! Ever since eighth grade, we’ve been secretly messaging. He’s always come to me when he needed advice or support, and me him. We’ve shared so many secrets and desires, and I know it was secretly killing him that he couldn’t be with me. He’s always been that one guy I could count on, you know? Being with him was inevitable. We just needed to wait for the right time.’
A few minutes later, they exit the bathroom, and my body crumples to the floor.
There’s no way I can survive the rest of the day.
I knew Linc and Billie were a full-blown couple, but to see it thrown smack-bang in my face is more than I am capable of handling.
‘Signing out for the day?’ the school receptionist asks. When a year twelve student has a free period in the afternoon, they’re allowed to leave early, as long as we sign out in the front office. Thank fuck for free periods.
I nod my head politely, trying to shield my puffy red eyes. ‘Just sign here.’ Once the mundane task is over, I turn to head out, but instead crash into two bodies. When I look up, I falter, seeing Linc holding Billie’s smaller, french-manicured hand in his. Gulping, I’m jarred by the intimacy between the two of them. For fuck’s sake, I’ve seen his hands down her pants and his face sucking hers, yet the simple, tender gesture of hand-holding unravels me. He stares at her adoringly, the same expression that I used to own. It guts me. When his face flits over to my pain-stricken face, his morphs into empathy. Or is it remorse? I don’t stay long enough to find out, dodging around them and running away.
My pulse is beating as fast as a hummingbird as I sag against my car. I’m in no state to drive with all this frenetic emotion zipping through my body. Jangling my keys and bouncing on the spot is how Lily and Rome find me.
‘I’ve done so well to avoid them.’ I slump into Rome’s arms while Lily embraces me from behind.
‘We know, honey. For what it’s worth, he looks tortured every time he sees you.’ Rome’s statement shocks me.
I frown in confusion. ‘I don’t know about that.’ I don’t dare divulge the heinous things I overheard in the bathroom earlier. At this point, I don’t know what to believe, but nothing would surprise me.
Lily shrugs. ‘It’s true. I dunno how to explain it, but it’s like he knows he’s made the biggest mistake of his life, ruining what you two had.’
‘There’s no way, and even if there’s a smidgen of a chance he does feel like that, I could never take him back. I don’t even care how much of a strain it puts on our dads, who are stuck in the middle.’ I’m grateful for Rome’s cuddle, as if he’s proud of me.
‘I bet that’s awkward as fuck. Does your daddy need someone to lean on during this hard time?’ Lily jokes, batting her lashes. There’s no denying that she has the hots for my dad. It’s gross, and most of the time I ignore her. Rolling my eyes, she can tell I am unamused.
‘Dad’s fine. Both he and Uncle Jacob are livid at what Linc’s done. It’s a walk in the park at my home. I can’t really tell you the shit Linc would be in at his home. Uncle Jacob told Dad he’s been freezing him out and won’t let Billie in the house.’
‘Sucked in!’ Rome laughs, bringing a smile to my face.
‘Can we just go? I don’t want to bump into them, and I’m feeling a little light-headed,’ I groan, knowing I haven’t eaten all day. I have an appetising assortment of cucumbers, carrots and celery awaiting me when I get home.
As the school year drags on, I spend less time hating him and more time missing him. Missing the connection we had—or the one I thought we had.
My obsession with perfection continues. My sole focus is firmly on shedding kilos and sculpting myself to be someone who isn’t the ‘fat’ or ‘frumpy’ girl. I’ve dropped a significant amount of weight already, but you can’t tell, since I insist on layering my clothes. Sometimes I can feel myself spiralling into my addiction, like when I accidentally came across a local Facebook Group calling Billie and Linc ‘The next Instafamous couple’. I was so worked up, I didn’t realise I’d been running on the treadmill for an hour.
Uncle Jacob comes to our house regularly, but Dad still refuses to step foot in theirs as a staunch supporter of his baby girl, whose heart is broken. At first, things were awkward with Uncle Jacob, but he too is a pappa bear where I am concerned.
I hadn’t realised he was over until I hear them playing pool in our games room. Hiding in the kitchen, I try to make myself as invisible as possible.
I hear a pool cue collide with the billiards. ‘I still think he’s in love with Amity, Mark. This thing with Billie is just lust. His hormones are taking over. If Amity gave him a second chance, I’m telling you, he’d choose her,’ Uncle Jacob insists.
‘Jake. Stop. No. Don’t get me wrong, Linc is like a son to me, but I still want to throttle him for what he’s done,’ Dad defends.
‘I’m not saying I don’t like Billie. I think she’s sweet, and she obviously cares deeply for Linc. I just don’t think she’s his soulmate like Amity is. From what I know, Billie has always sort of been waiting in the background for her chance, and feelings developed.’ That statement tells me all I need to know. I am replaceable. I can’t bear to hear more, so I begin to sneak away, until Uncle Jake slices me with his words. ‘I didn’t know this, but Billie said she was his first. I overheard her talking to one of her girlfriends. I don’t know if it’s true, but she said it. I always thought he and Amity lost it to each other. I just don’t want this to get back to Amity, so I wanted to tell you first, in case it is true.’
A clink of a glass hits the wooden surface of the table. ‘Jesus, Jake. Enough. I don’t want to think about my baby girl doing…that. What does it matter, anyway?’ he huffs.
‘I think Linc is slowly giving up on Amity. He admitted to me the other day that she won’t even give him the time of day. He’s ready to give his whole heart away to someone who actually wants it.’
‘Let him. Amity has made her choice. Of course, I wish they were still together, but they’re not. He screwed up. My baby girl’s heart was collateral damage. You know the hell I’ve been through, trying to get her back to her normal self. How worried I’ve been. I need you to stop. Stop trying to force them back together. We’re ending this conversation now. Amity is due back any minute from the gym, and I don’t want her hearing any of this. She’s come too far. She’s laughing and smiling again. She’s healthy, and I think she’s almost back to her old self. Please don’t stuff that up for her,’ Dad pleads.
The revelation that I wasn’t his first makes me sick. I always assumed we were each other’s, and that it was something sacred and precious we shared together. Never did I imagine how much of a viper Billie was, and how callous Linc could be in keeping this from me. I don’t know if it’s true, but I am inclined to believe it is, along with every other lie they have ever told me.
Rivulets of sweat slide down my body. I’m not only overheated and exhausted from my workout, but my body is vibrating in vicious distress. Scrambling away, I make it to my room barely and sob into my sheets. It’s only when I hear a faint knock on my door that I realise that someone else is hearing me, too. Dad.
A deep sigh leaves his lips. ‘Baby. Please stop crying.’ He pulls the doona back so he can see my face, but I wish he hadn’t, because when I look at him, all I see is sorrow.
‘Just when I think I’m okay, he breaks me all over again,’ I hiccup. ‘I heard what Uncle Jacob told you,’ I confess.
‘Come here.’ Dad opens his arms and I fly into them without hesitation. I need his strength to keep me going. He strokes my hair, shushing me in a soothing way. As much as I love Mum, I’ll always be a daddy’s girl. He’s largely played both roles my whole life. ‘Believe it or not, I was like you when your mum and I decided that we were better as friends. I couldn’t believe that she didn’t love me the way I did her.’ This is the first time he’s opened up about their past to me so candidly.
‘How did you get over her?’ I sniffle.
‘Uh…I don’t think you really want to know,’ he chuckles.
And just like that, I forget about Linc screwing me over. ‘Eww, Dad,’ I grimace, shoving him off me. The thought of him having sex is vomit-inducing.
‘What’s your plans for after your QCE and graduation?’ he enquires. It’s a topic I’ve been avoiding, because my future was always meant to be entwined with Linc’s.
‘I still want to be a journalist. I don’t know if I want to start university straight away. With everything that’s happened this year, I think I need a break, and I was thinking about staying with Mum for a bit.’ I bite my bottom lip, scared to admit that I want to be anywhere but here.
After a thoughtful beat, he finally responds.
‘Whatever you want, sweetheart. How would you feel about visiting her in October as an early birthday present? You could even do your studying over there. That way, you can concentrate on just that and not have to worry about anything back here. Of course, you’ll come back for exams and graduation, but I think putting as much space between you and Linc as possible might be a good thing.’ I can tell he's apprehensive, admitting his plan to me, but what he doesn’t realise is that a break away is exactly what I need.
I smile brightly at him. ‘Absolutely. I need this.’