Pieces of Us

Chapter 20 Leave Out All The Rest

Lincoln

Licking her pussy wasn’t a part of the plan.

But fuck me, if it wasn’t the best thing I’ve tasted in years. Tasting her again has unlocked this visceral, feral need to fuck her senseless until she gives in to me.

While my plan is to wear her down enough to let me back in, I know I’m a step closer with the way she lost control at the game. She still has a flicker of feeling for me, which I plan to torch alight again.

Over the last week, I’ve upped my persistence. Technically, I gave up on my barrage of pressuring texts and phone calls, but I’ve managed to find a loophole and text her sweet messages each day, like ‘Hope you had a good day’, and ‘Thinking of you.’

I knew she thought they were endearing when she started liking them or saying something generic, like ‘You too.’

She isn’t ready to fully commit to having me back in her life again, given how much resentment, anger and pain I’ve caused her, but I’m determined to break through the brick-like barriers she’s built up around her heart.

Something I desperately want to badger her about is her statement about me making her the worst version of herself. As far as I can see, she is thriving. Yeah, I guess that sassy vivaciousness has dimmed down a little, but that could be put down to her ongoing work stress.

What has wholeheartedly changed is how her body feels in my hands. I’ve loved every version of this woman. To me, she is and always has been perfect. Fuck everyone who ever made her feel otherwise.

As I power away at plans for my next project, I can’t help to replay some of my favourite memories of ours over and over. Not just the ones of us as a couple, but also of the years of friendship we nurtured. I miss her so much as my friend. I was a damn idiot to let anyone else come before us.

It’s a lively afternoon at the office. Daniella—or Ella—from Marketing is flouncing around, being her regular jovial self. From where I’m sitting, I can see Dad has a glint in his eye, laughing at something she is expressively saying to him.

The only downer has been Billie sulking when I turned her down for lunch. I am in a precarious situation.

This is a woman I had a semi-long-term relationship with. A woman who, at one time, I had deep feelings for. I want to believe the best in her, but she keeps showing me her worst. It’s difficult to reconcile the person she is with me and the person she is to others. She’s inherently a part of my friendship circle and a slice of my past. It’s not as easy as just untangling myself for good. I don’t know how to keep straddling the line between her and Amity. I know that I will eventually have to completely cut ties with Billie, otherwise there’s no hope in hell of ever getting my Hart back.

As if I summoned the missing piece of myself, Amity appears, strutting towards my office. Billie stiffens in her seat, scoffing as her eyes work into slits at the sight of her.

Ella notices Amity and starts animatedly bouncing on the spot. I have to remind myself that Amity is kind of a big deal and restrain myself from laughing at Ella’s antics. She lurches herself at Hart, who stumbles back from the force. I see the shock and horror on Dad’s face, pulling his vivacious employee away. If she’s embarrassed by her behaviour, she doesn’t show it. She just giggles. Hart’s smile radiates as she gives her complete attention to Ella and whatever she’s started to ramble about.

Dad pulls Amity to his side and gives her a peck on her temple, making sure he holds her close. I stare at the easy demeanour she has with him, hugging his waist as Ella continues on her rampage. While I see Dad’s attention is on the two beauties in front of him, crinkles form on his forehead as his lips thin in a tight smile. He shuffles both feet and glances around. It isn’t long before he zones in on me, giving me a warning without words.

I interpret it to mean to stay put unless Amity seeks me out, which I’m not pleased about, but to appease him, I’ll listen. For now.

After what feels like eternity, she waves bye to Ella, who’s been called by another colleague. It’s then that I see Hart untangle herself from Dad, murmur something in his ear, give him a kiss on the cheek and walk towards me. Her smile is tentative and her steps unsure, but I can see by the conviction in her eyes that she wants to talk to me. My chest palpitates the closer she gets, half out of anxiety over what Billie might do and say and half because she chose to seek me out and not the other way around.

The memory of the last time she was here sits unhappily in my stomach. She was pale and shuddering as she slammed the doors open to escape me. I only hope her visitdoesn’t end in the way she left last time.

I race to the door. ‘Hey,’ I greet her with a cheesy grin, standing a little too close for her comfort.

Eyeing her up and down, I appreciate the fuck out of how she looks. I drink in her pale pink overalls and braids with her white New Balance runners. The whole world has seen her in a lot less—heck, I’ve seen her fucking naked—yet today, there’s something effervescently enticing about the way she looks.

She gives me an adorable, awkward smile. ‘Hi.’ Crossing the threshold and passing me, she steps further into my office.

I hurriedly close the door and block out peering, leering eyes.

When I spin around, my eyes dart to the shorts cupping her ass. The jiggle it used to make in my hands, or when she bounced on my cock made me unhinged. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I am itching to do the worst kinds of things to it.

My eyes dash to her face just before she catches me. ‘I hope this is okay?’ she asks, unsure whether she should sit or not.

‘This is the best surprise. You’ve made my year,’ I insist. ‘Sit,’ I plead, hoping she gets more comfy. I walk back around to my seat, rolling it so I’m next to her.

With every effort, I train my face muscles to relax so she doesn’t see how nervous I am at the unexpected visit. I wait patiently with my hands in my lap, giving her the time and space she needs to coherently speak her mind.

‘I’m ready to talk.’

I open my mouth, but she stops me with her hand.

‘If it’s okay, I’d like to ask the questions.’

I blow a breath out, running my hands up and down my knees. ‘By all means. The floor is yours.’

Taking a deep lungful of air, I can see her mind filtering through which stab-me-in-the-heart question she wants to ask first.

‘I need to know your thought process and the events leading up to you effectively shutting me out and going for her,’ she spits. ‘Please don’t sugarcoat anything. I need to understand…even if it hurts.’

So, I guess we’re starting off with one of the most difficult questions of all time.

My palms are perspiring, and not even rubbing them on my pants is helping. I don’t want to give her drivel, so I really think about my answer in a way that will place her in my mindset back then.

‘I need to preface this by saying it was nothing you did, and it wasn’t because I didn’t love you or wasn’t in love with you.’ She gasps at my candidness, her eyes shining with sadness. ‘In hindsight, I wish I would have told you that every day, but in some ways, maybe it was easier you didn’t know, because it would have made what I did worse.’ She nods mutely.

‘Okay.’ Her head bows down as if she’s ready for the blow.

‘Billie was never what you were to me, missing the same calibre and intensity, but when you moved, it left an opening to be filled. Despite what you may think, or what I know now, she was always a kind, loving, go-lucky, genuine friend who took the time to really care about me. She didn’t seem like she had any agenda or drama, and I saw a lot of you in her, which made me feel not so lost.’ She scoffs at my likening them. ‘I don’t want to say I was actively trying to replace you, but she seemed like a good fit to help me deal with not having your presence in my life. It was organic. We just started hanging out more, talking more, being stupid and silly around each other, and as much as I hate to admit this, I was attracted to her, and she made me feel wanted. There was a spark.’ As if I just slapped her in the face, Amity jerks her chair back, the scrape of the legs audible around the room.

I rush to correct myself. ‘I wasn’t attracted to her just for her looks. I mean, I guess, to some degree, her looks, but I don’t have a type. If I do, you’re my type.’ I’m fucking this up harder than a pornstar in a gangbang. ‘I mean, I was attracted to her personality and how she made me feel again…after you.’ I’m fumbling. If I was a footballer, you wouldn’t pass me the ball at this point.

She starts shallow breathing and her head shakes in utter despair. ‘So you pulled away from me to get closer to her?’

I fidget with my collar. ‘I guess? I think deep down, I knew I was betraying you, but I was also betraying her by keeping the memory or the hope of us alive.’ Her brows furrow in a frown.

‘And when things…progressed…you didn’t think I had a right to at least know, at the very least as a friend?’ I see the pulse point in her neck thrumming wildly as her anger builds.

‘It was a concoction of things.’ My fingers thread through my hair. ‘I was lonely. Horny. Young. Wanted. And I was feeling better about this new chapter. I knew that if I told you, I would be dragged back to that hopeless feeling I had when you left. I’m not saying in any way, shape or form that it’s your fault.’

Her grimace tells me she doesn’t believe me as she plays with the tips of her hair.

‘But I came back…and you still chose her.’ She turns her head to intentionally avoid my face.

‘By that point, I didn’t think it was fair to just drop her after we had built something. Selfishly, a part of me wanted to see if the feelings I had for her could match up to the feelings I have for you. Staying with her was the only way for sure I’d know who my soulmate was.’

She scoffs, crossing her arms over her chest. ‘That’s a thing you don’t need to do an experiment on. You should know, you know, in your soul.’

‘I felt something for her. I just didn’t know what it was at the time. I didn’t want to make a mistake. I also didn’t want to hurt either of you, but I figured I’d already lost you when you…found out.’ She eyes me curiously, her piercing green stare listening intently to every word.

She cocks an eyebrow, and a slightly villainous smile turns up. ‘Yes.’ She claps. ‘Let’s talk about the moment I found out.’

I slump back in my chair, feeling smaller than a microorganism. ‘What do you want to know?’ I reside myself to the fact that I’m about to get reamed. It was the single worst moment of my life when she walked in on me fingering Billie in the hot tub.

‘I was drunk.’

She grimaces. ‘You know what? No. I don’t need any further elaboration. What I saw is burned in my retinas for life. I…I…don’t know how I’ll ever get over seeing…that. When did you first sleep with her?’ Her voice cracks, and so does my heart.

I choke on trapped air in my throat.

Shit.

She can’t know the answer to this.

I have to lie.

‘When you came back.’ I abruptly stop myself short from revealing the truth that has been gnawing my insides like starving rats for years.

I am a piece of shit, but the truth would be catastrophic if she—or anyone—ever found out.

The first time I slept with Billie was before I took Hart’s virginity.

I never explicitly told Hart I was a virgin when we had sex for the first time. I assumed she thought I was, like her, but I wasn’t. I’d slept with Billie a couple of years beforehand. It wasn’t even a moment of weakness, it was just me being a horny teenager and wanting to lose it. We promised we’d never tell a soul.

If Amity ever found out she wasn’t my first…that I gave away what was meant to be hers to someone else. To the one person she hates more than me.

There is something else I am hiding. Something so devastating, so reckoning that if anyone ever finds out, my life will be over.

‘And was she any good?’

I shift nervously, hoping she doesn’t see through the lie I just told her. Hopefully, she takes the ants in my pants as a sign that this question is uncomfortable.

‘It was fine.’ I don’t elaborate. Sex was sex. It was always good. I came. She came. I’ve fucked Billie hundreds of times, so I’m well acquainted with her body. With Hart, I’ve only ever had sex with her a dozen times, but I still remember each and every time like it was yesterday.

‘You’re all I wanted, Lincoln. You’re all I ever needed. You owned me from the day we first met, and you threw it away for someone else.’ I pale at her words. If she only knew. I’m agitated, but not at her—at myself. My knee bounces like a drug addict waiting for his next fix.

‘I wish I could take away your hurt.’

‘But you don’t wish you could take it back?’ She leans forward.

I pause.

‘No. I don’t.’ I sigh, lowering my head. ‘I don’t regret learning from my mistakes. For exploring. I didn’t want to think “what if”, only ever giving you ninety-nine percent of me. I don’t regret it because it means you wouldn’t have the life you do today, and I wouldn’t know for certain that you’re meant to be mine and I’m meant to be yours. You deserve better than that.’

She swallows painfully as she digests my words. Her arms are limp by her sides as if she’s given up all the fight she had in her.

‘And what about the bullying and taunts, and everyone in your ear about my weight?’ She scrunches up her face. ‘You can’t tell me you didn’t love touching every part of Billie’s itty bitty body, or mine now. Back then, you never looked at me with the sort of hunger you do now.’ Her face flushes as if she’s tormented.

‘Amity,’ I sigh, not even knowing how to approach this entire topic. ‘I could have done better. I should have done better.’ She gasps, her eyes jerking to me. Shit. ‘No. Woah. Let me rephrase that. With my friends, I mean.’ I hold up both hands, begging her to not stab me with my fountain pen. ‘When I was with you, they used to make you feel uncomfortable, but I never really put them in their place because I thought it was just boys being boys.’ It’s a lame excuse. ‘When they started whispering or comparing you to Billie, I didn’t want to rock the boat, so I turned a blind eye and just ignored it.’ Guilt is leaden in my body. ‘I am so ashamed, baby. I will never forgive myself for how I let that go on, even more so when I found out Billie was one of the instigators. She never directly said anything to my face or within the group, but that’s the reason we broke up. I found out she was the one spreading rumours.’ Moon prints indent the backs of her hands as she stabs herself with her nails.

She had no idea the extent of it. I am sure of it.

‘We will loop back around to that in a sec. I want to know if you thought Billie’s body was better than mine because of the way she looks—or looked. Whatever.’ Her voice sharpens.

‘I liked her body, yes. But that doesn’t and didn’t mean I didn’t like yours,’ I rush to clarify, reaching out for her but pulling back when she shoots me daggers.

‘So you admit, skinny and fit turns you on?’

‘Manhandling a woman in the bedroom turns me on.’ It’s the wrong answer, as soon as it slips from my lips. I wish I could smack myself in the face for saying it.

‘You never manhandled me because I was too fat.’ Her eyes glisten with unshed tears.

‘I never said that.’

‘You didn’t not say it either. You never looked at me as if I was fuckable. I saw it when you were in the spa with Billie, and all throughout our last year of high school. You had this insatiable look in your eyes like you couldn’t get enough of her body.’ A lone tear slides down her cheek onto her chest, splitting me in half.

I can’t deny to myself that I liked the feel of Billie, but she isn’t listening. I used to look at her the same way too. I worshipped her as if she was my religion.

‘Amity. I need you to listen. I never once compared you to Billie. Your bodies, separately, were and are perfect. I never wished you looked like her. I was in love and lust with your body.’

Her face tells me she doesn’t believe me. Fuck. I’ve failed as a boyfriend and as a friend if she doesn’t believe me.

‘But you’re not denying you like my body better now.’ She’s fixated on her weight. Something she should never have to worry about. It’s unsettling, and makes me feel like there’s more to what she’s letting on. Were there ever strong signs this deeply affected her? I thought it was just normal teenage shit.

‘I like that you seem more comfortable and confident in your body now. You weren’t like that when we were together. I hardly saw your body. Now, it’s like you’re proud of your figure. Do I love your tits and ass? Of course I do, but it wouldn’t matter to me if you were a size six or sixteen.’ I shrug, hoping she gets the message.

‘You broke up with her because you found out she started the horrific rumours about me?’ She skates past what I just told her.

‘Yes. She was gossiping to our friends about you. She’s jealous of your fame. I felt sick when I heard it and ended it. She apologised and opened up about how she always felt inferior to you—like you were the third person in our relationship. After airing out all our dirty laundry, we decided to stay friends.’

She purses her lips. ‘Friends who fuck.’ It’s a statement, not a question.

‘Yes.’

‘I find it a little hard to believe you want me back when you’re fucking her, and have been for the better part of seven years.’ Her tone is incredulous, bordering sarcastic. She watches me cooly.

‘It was a coping mechanism after seeing you move on so fast from me.’ Surprise sheaths her face. She whips her eyes to mine, curious at my statement.

‘Coping mechanism?’

My jaw clenches as I stare over her shoulder. ‘Yeah, babe. You’re practically naked for your job and you hang around fucking rock stars, movie stars, sports stars. Don’t even get me started on this Jagger prick. I’m fucking seething that you’re probably fucking and sucking any dude you want.’ I laugh bitterly, petulantly folding my arms.

She barks out a maniacal laugh with zero humour.

‘I’m not you,’ she shoots. ‘If that’s really what you think of me, then that’s dismal. My job is my job, and that’s it. If it bothers you so much to the point you need to fuck and suck a hoard of whores, then there’s nothing left to say,’ she snaps.

I immediately crouch in front of her, grabbing her hands. She flinches, but it doesn’t stop the jolt of electric current surging through me. She flickers her forest-green eyes behind me, wanting to avoid the intimacy of this moment.

‘I’m so proud of you, Hart. I wish I could have been there alongside you, but don’t for one second think I’m not a jealous cunt when I see other guys near you, or the comments you get on your social media, or even when another guy breathes in your direction.’

Tugging on her hands, I hope she hears the sincerity in my voice.

She nods, accepting what I’ve told her. I go back to my seat, feeling a lot more relaxed. There’s a lingering thought still in the back of my head about what she’s been through, but this is her time to grill me, so I let it subside for now.

‘Can I ask how many others there have been?’ Her morbid curiosity gets the better of her.

Rubbing the back of my neck. I know I want to be as honest as possible. ‘I really don’t know. Maybe ten, on and off over the years between Billie. She was always the constant.’

She winces at my response, sighing in discomfort.

‘None of them came close to the feelings I had for you,’ I insist. ‘Have for you,’ I clarify.

‘What about since I’ve been back?’ she fishes.

I shoot her a withering glare, watching as her lips tip up into a sweet smile.

‘So I’ve cock blocked you then?’

I snort, laughter bubbling between us at her quip. ‘I’m not complaining. I don’t want anyone but you.’

‘Thank you for answering my questions.’ The conversation turns serious again, thick air hanging around us.

I look at her solemnly, my entire focus on her. ‘Anytime. Anything else you’d like to know?’

She shakes her head, letting out a long breath as if the weight of the world has been lifted off her shoulders.

‘Can we go out sometime?’ I figure I have nothing else to lose by asking her.

Her mouth gapes open in stunned silence.

‘Just as friends…for now. I just want to hang out with you again…reacquaint myself with you. Mix the old and familiar with the shiny and new.’

Giving me a soft, shy smile, she tilts her head to the side. ‘Sometime,’ she affirms, biting her lower lip. Slapping her palms to her thighs, she moves to ascend. ‘Right. I’m off to see your dad. He’s designing my new home.’ Her giddy expression tells me she’s over the moon that she gets to work with Dad, but a pang of dejection pokes at my chest. It was supposed to be me designing our home.

I don’t let her see my sad puppy eyes. Instead, I force a smile, prop my hand on her lower back, and walk her to my dad’s office. ‘I’ll be around after if you change your mind.’ She nods, giving me one last grin before ducking into Dad’s space.

Sooner or later, she will be mine again. And when she is, I’ll redesign our home. The home we were always meant to share and build together. The same one I etched all those years ago. A place where the rest of our future will play out and be nurtured.