Pieces of Us

Chapter 27 FML

Amity

‘I fucked Lincoln,’ I blurt out as I browse the lingerie store we’re in. My line is far from ready, but I need a few new pieces for upcoming interviews. I want to get this out of the way so I can focus my sole attention on Jagger when he gets here.

The lace feels soft on my hands, which is a stark contrast to how my pussy is feeling after how hard I let Linc fuck me two days ago.

Lily, Jas and Ella’s mouths collectively drop open in shock.

‘Absolutely not,’ Jas screeches, halting my next sentence. Covering her ears, she stares at me, mortified. ‘I don’t want to hear this! I’m going to get a frozen coke.’

Whoops. I didn’t intentionally plan on vomiting my sex life to his sister. I’m too frantic to care, though, so when she’s well and truly out of sight, I twirl back around. It hasn’t escaped me that Lily and Ella are acting like stunned mullets.

I invited Ella because there’s just something about her that I’m drawn to. Plus, I see how the other girls at the office look at her, and I don’t like the mean girl glances.

Blinking, Lily breaks her trance. ‘I’m sorry. Repeat that for me,’ she all but shrieks, grabbing my arm and almost tearing it from the socket. Ella laughs, tipping her head back at the entertainment that is my life. I’ve filled her in—mostly—on the tumultuous history that is Linc and I, but she’s probably not used to so much drama.

I groan as I start moving from rack to rack, inspecting the delicate bras. ‘I fucked Linc. In an alley. A couple of nights ago. After he went down on me. And sucked fairy floss off my skin. Then I blew him.’ I browse for my size, an E. I inspect the garment. It’s riskier than what I’ve worn recently. Really, it just criss-crosses over my nipples, but damn, if it doesn’t flood my pussy thinking about how much Linc would like to tear this off me.

My feelings are all over the place when it comes to him. I’m working on getting through the pain of our history. I’ve forgiven him for his past mistakes. I just don’t know if he’s worth risking my heart again. I’m also not in a position to give him all of me when I’m hiding a huge part of my brokenness. Still, I can’t help how slutty my pussy is for him.

‘I’m-I’m…I don’t know what the fuck I am,’ Lily says, digesting what I’ve told her while she takes a seat on the nearest available chair. ‘I say this with so much love, but have you lost your fucking mind?’ Her voice carries through the store, drawing attention to us.

‘I know! I don’t know! I was horny. So fucking horny. And it’s Linc, you know?’ I bemoan as I pick up the matching strappy G-string.

‘Did you forget the cock was attached to the guy who broke your fucking heart by screwing that whore, and more?’ Lily blasts. I get she’s protective, but I don’t need her guilt trip.

Sensing the hurt, Ella steps in as peacekeeper.

‘Okay. Okay. Let’s start from the beginning. How was it?’ I cackle at her crassness before reminiscing on what it was like to be with him in that way again.

‘It was instinctive. It was like fitting a key into its lock. As fucking cringey as this sounds, it’s like I’ve found a missing link.’ Wistfully tearing up, I can feel myself being pulled under again by my torrent of emotions.

‘I still don’t understand,’ Lily says, both hands flying to her temples.

‘We had another mini argument over me supposedly making him jealous with Jagger coming to town, and then he came over mine to apologise. We talked through some more and decided to move forward. We didn’t label it, and then the next thing I knew, we were going out to dinner. One thing led to another, and it’s like my body took over my mind, or he had some kind of control over me.’

I nod to the changing rooms, silently asking them to follow me while I try the pieces on.

‘And?’ Ella asks, probing for more.

Thankfully, the room has a small lounge that both of them can fit on so we can continue our private conversation.

‘Nothing. We held hands back to the car. I fell asleep, and then I practically bolted to my door and haven’t spoken to him since.’ Pulling my sundress over my head and unclipping my bra, I start the painful process of squeezing myself into the miniscule pieces of lingerie.

‘Do you regret it?’ Lily asks.

I’ve contemplated the same question over and over, and each time my mind and body both agree that I don’t.

Shaking my head, they both wait for me to verbalise what I’m feeling.

‘I could never regret something so intimate with Linc. I just don’t know where it leaves us. Jag’s coming to town soon, and we have history, and I know it’s about to complicate things further. Who I am now is not the same person Linc remembers. I need to see how my old and new lives collide together.’

Adjusting the straps to sit properly on my shoulders, I turn to look at myself from all angles in the mirror. I’m over-scrutinising myself, but I’m sure I’ve gained a few kilos while I’ve been slacking off. The creeping thoughts invade my mind like a hovering black cloud.

‘But you and Jag are just friends?’ Ella confirms, trying to keep up.

‘Yeah, with benefits here and there,’ Lily snorts. I kick my dress and it hits her in the face.

‘No!’ Ella gasps.

‘Lil. You’re the worst.’

‘Hey, now.’ She tosses my dress on the ground.

‘We’ve…benefited in the past. No feelings. Just letting off some physical steam. He’s one of my best friends, but I’m not in love with him. We both know where we stand,’ I reiterate to both of them.

Our arrangement has always remained relatively private. Lily and Rome are the only two we divulged what we were doing to. We haven’t had that sort of relationship in about six months, but at one stage, we were hot and heavy. It’s a hell of a lot safer than hooking up with randoms, and at least I knew the sex was good. It has always been a very casual arrangement that’s worked for both of us.

Do I think he’ll screw the daylights out of me down under? If that’s what I want, then sure, but I don’t think I want to now that I’ve fucked Lincoln. That’s way more drama than I need right now.

‘You live the fucking life, Amity. You live the fucking life,’ Ella all but swoons, looking dreamily at me as if she’s picturing Jagger and I.

‘Oh, yeah. The perfect life,’ I scoff. ‘Want to trade?’

‘Not a chance. I have my own dramas, girlfriend.’ I wonder what they are, but I don’t pry because I’m in my selfish era, fretting over the inevitable calamity that is Lincoln and Jagger meeting.

‘Linc doesn’t know about Jagger, and even if he did, you’ve done nothing wrong,’ Lily points out. I do the jiggle test by jumping up and down on the spot. Sometimes, my interviews can get a little rowdy, so I have to make sure I don’t pop out.

‘Exactly, but why do I feel so guilty?’ I’ve never felt bad for fucking Jag, and now I feel dirty or like I’ve done something wrong by Linc, which is ludicrous.

‘Because you have feelings for him, honey.’ Lily hugs me around the waist before travelling her hands up to my chest. ‘You have the best tits.’ She cups and squeezes them, making Ella squeal.

I rear-end her to back off, laughing.

‘So was the sex good with Linc?’ Ella loops back around.

‘Out of this world hot. I…guys. Words don’t even justify. He was not like that when we were in high school.’ I flush, feeling myself tingle below. Lowering my voice as if it’s so salacious, I get off my chest what I’ve really been thinking about. ‘He was so demanding, and creative, and-and…dominant. He actually said he wished he could give me a hand necklace and choke me, and I swear, my soul was ready to be sold to the devil to make that happen. It wasn’t just regular sex. Regular sex is fun and satisfying…this was something else.’

Lily and Ella give each other a look and burst out laughing. Both sandwiching me, they rest their heads on each of my shoulders.

‘Nothing better than a man who takes control,’ Ella winks while Lily bites her lip, agreeing.

‘Are you hoes done talking about my brother’s dick?’ Jas shouts from outside the dressing room. We all burst out laughing, inviting her into the room.

After they leave, I still have a few more stops to make. To welcome Jagger to Australia, I want to put together a care package for him with things like lamingtons, Tim Tams, Milo, Vegemite, crocodile jerky, Furry Friends, Allens red frogs, Cheezels and Shapes.

Most of it I find in Woolies. I meander to the chips aisle to get the Shapes. Tapping my fingers against my chin as I survey the flavours, I wonder which one he’ll like more. If it was me, he’d get only barbecue, but I think he’ll enjoy chicken as well.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see another shopper beelining down the aisle towards me. Stopping a few feet away, I’m desperately praying it isn’t someone I know. I groan as the shopping trolley inches towards me. I move out of the way, assuming I am standing in front of the product they’re looking at.

‘It baffles me that Lincoln can’t let you go.’ Surprised and shocked at her abrasiveness, I turn towards the sound of Billie’s fake Kim Kardashian voice. She glares at me, her pretty features contorting. She’s manufactured beauty, but a beauty nonetheless. It’s a shame her heart is so ugly.

Quietly studying her, I notice she has the same pinched look on her face that she’s had ever since I’ve known her. It’s as if she’s constipated.

Realising just how unhappy she is with herself and her life dulls my own heartbreak and the jealousy I’ve had when I’ve thought about her over the years.

Seeing her makes me sad. It makes me sad that someone can hold such contempt for another woman who hasn’t given her any reason to. But I don’t feel sad that she and Lincoln aren’t together, and I don’t feel sad that she lost a baby. I feel nothing towards her.

I’m exhausted by her pettiness, immaturity, drama and need to stay relevant, so with that, I turn back to the shelves and inspect the Shapes once again. It doesn’t take a genius to feel how outraged she is by my blatant dismissal.

If her hoity toity snort of derision doesn’t give her away, it’s her clomping feet and balled fists that do it.

‘You’ve always thought you’re so much better than everyone else,’ she sneers, her flying spit hitting the side of my face.

I sigh, knowing I’m not going to be able to get away from her until she’s given me a piece of her mind.

‘To be honest, Billie goat, I don’t think about you at all, and I don’t think that about myself. I do think that about you, however.’ I chuck the barbecue Shapes in my basket. ‘I think that you have extremely low self-esteem and haven’t changed your childish antics since high school.’

I hate that I reduce what she did to just high school drama, but I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of knowing just how much she damaged me.

‘Please! You should have seen how devastated you looked when I fucked Linc the other day in his office,’ she scoffs. ‘Same mousey expression you had when he fingered me in the spa, and every other time he chose me over you.’

I stiffen at her explicitness.

Breathing in and out slowly, I remain impassive.

‘I’m sure it was a look of disgust, but the way Linc explained it to me was that you threw yourself on him. Again. And again, he rejected you.’

After everything we’ve been through, Lincoln wouldn’t lie to me again. I’m sure of it.

Several emotions passed Billie’s face. Humiliation. Shame. Aggravation. Hesitation. Anger.

For a moment, her facade slips, but her mask defaults back to pretentious bitch just as quickly. It doesn’t matter, though, because I only needed seconds to know she was lying.

‘You’re so blinded, Amity, that you don’t and never have seen what’s right in front of your face. Lincoln and I will always be out of your league. While you were away sulking, he and I were building our lives together. A family. Our baby. You can’t and never will erase me.’

She is so deluded and broken.

‘I’m sorry that you’re stuck in the past. I’m sorry that everyone has moved on. But really, Bill, I’m sorry that you had to stoop so low and steal someone who was never yours to begin with. Even without me in the picture, you’ll always be second best.’ I keep my voice intentionally low so not a soul but her can hear me.

‘I don’t fucking need your pity or apologies,’ she blisters.

‘Well, you have them regardless. I hope you get the help you need.’ I shake my head in fake sympathy, which enrages her further. ‘Competing with me has made you even crazier than you were in high school.’

The trolley shakes as she tries to reign in her outrage.

‘You can have that fuckwit, for all I care. I’m over him. I got what I wanted and needed,’ she grits, as if this is solely about Lincoln and not the fact that she’s just a mean girl bitch.

‘Okay,’ I say slowly and condescendingly to make her more irate. ‘I don’t mean to point out the obvious, but I will. It seems like you’re still hung up on him, and also maybe have a bit of an obsession with me as well. You’ve made every effort since I’ve been back to try and make me notice you. Far out, you’ve even tracked me down in the grocery store. I have lots of stalkers, but you’re as deranged as they come. I don’t know whether I need to call security on you. For some warped reason, my whole life, you’ve tried to make me miserable with your taunts and games, but I’m sorry to say you’ll never win. I won’t let someone like you fuck with me any longer. I don’t care about you or anything you have to say. You’re irrelevant.’

Her face flushes in embarrassment, eyes darting to the side to see if anyone has overheard my takedown of her.

‘Goodbye, Billie. Have fun living in the past and competing with my ghost.’ I move past her, keeping my face stoic and head held high. I said everything I’ve ever wanted to say to her. Damn, it feels good.

As I hurry up the aisle, I just know she’s standing there, puzzled and furious at my complete and utter rejection of her.