37. Troy
thirty-seven
troy
Six Schlongs Hen Party
Garrett Meyer
[Link to ESPN video clip: Troy Winters’ Mid-Game Reunion Breaks the Internet] Holy shit!! Sports Center has been playing this clip on repeat. @Troy Winters, details ASAP, please!
Dean Meyer
DUDE! I have watched the same clip at least fifteen times! @Troy Winters, you magnificent piece of man meat! How did you get your girlfriend to out-Sasquatch your Sasquatch?
Hudson Case
Every major sports network is talking about the ‘biggest BigFoot love declaration to have been caught live on camera’. And the Blazers took home another win, so it was a twofer night for you.
Garrett Meyer
I almost spit up my beer when I saw your girl go all Wookie-unleashed on security. And that kiss? Not to sound like a sappy pussy like my twin, but it made me all misty-eyed.
Dean Meyer
Hey! Just because I have a sweet and tender heart doesn’t make me sappy. It makes me EVOLVED! Also, aren’t YOU the one who tattooed your chest with your wedding date after DRUNK marrying a woman? That’s the fucking definition of sappy.
Garrett Meyer
Does anyone want to rewatch the video of Dean crying at Dev and Piper’s wedding? I can dig it back up from my phone in case you guys want to see what evolved looks like with snot bubbles.
Darian Meyer
If Dean is evolved, then I’m terrified for the future of our species. This is the same man who went to the ER in high school for second-degree burns on his balls. The reason for which has still never been revealed, BTW.
Hudson Case
It’s anyone’s guess as to how the man is still alive.
Dean Meyer
At least my balls have BEEN ON FIRE and lived to tell the story, unlike you boring fuckers! Doctors hailed my full recovery a medical miracle, just like your ability to stay up past nine PM, Dar. While my scrotum was being mentioned in medical journals, you were wondering if your balls were ever gonna drop.
Hudson Case
@Troy Winters and @Dev Menon, your silence might be the smartest response to this Meyer brothers’ bitch battle. You guys still alive?
Dev Menon
Barely. Ask me again in eighteen years. Swear to God, I never thought tiny humans produced this much shit.
Garrett Meyer
Just wait until that tiny human turns into a toddler who still wears diapers. The turds they lay could wipe out planets.
Hudson Case
Are we talking about Dev’s newborn or Dean?
Dean Meyer
HARDY HAR HAR. middle finger emoji
Darian Meyer
How’s Ariana doing, @Dev Menon? Glad we were all able to see her for a little bit last weekend.
Dev Menon
Given she looks just like her mom, she’s perfect. She smiles at me when she looks at me, too. It’s fucking adorable.
Dean Meyer
It’s probably gas. Similar to why Piper smiles at you.
Garrett Meyer
Don’t be an ass. Let the man believe it’s for real. Seriously though, @Dev Menon, being a dad suits you.
Troy Winters
Glad I got to see Ariana on FaceTime, but just wanted to say congratulations again, Dev. She’s beautiful. And yes, thank God she looks like her mom. smirk emoji
Dean Meyer
Holy shit, he lives! Look who clearly crawled out of his Sasquatch love den! What was the matter Troy, were your fingers too busy with other activities to type?
Troy Winters
Fuck off. But yeah, something like that. wink emoji
Dev Menon
Give him a break. He’s making up for weeks of being without his girl, and a year of wondering if it was all going to work out.
Dean Meyer
He IS taking a break from his furry sexathon if he has the time to text us. Curious minds want to know, @Troy Winters, when’s the proposal coming?
Darian Meyer
For fuck’s sake, Dean, let the man enjoy himself before you start asking for a wedding invite.
Hudson Case
If Troy invites people based on creepiness level, he’d have a special seat for Dean. Behind bulletproof glass.
Dean Meyer
Careful there, old man, you sound jealous.
Hudson Case
Of what, exactly? Your collection of restraining orders?
Dean Meyer
Of my good looks, my beautiful heart, and my youth. You’re basically the Evil Queen to my Snow White.
Hudson Case
@Troy Winters, when are you heading back home?
Troy Winters
Flight’s tomorrow. Sarina is heading back with me.
Darian Meyer
Can we all agree to give them some space after they get back? At least for a day or two. @Dean Meyer, I’m looking at you.
Dean Meyer
Hell no! I’ve already ordered a welcome home banner for Troy’s backyard that says, “Lady BigFoot Crossed State Lines for this Man’s Wood”. Got it rush delivered and everything.
Dev Menon
I’d like to think you’re joking, but . . .
Troy Winters
I will burn it down. Along with your house.
Dean Meyer
Aw, buddy, don’t be like that. When have I ever done anything you didn’t love?
Troy Winters
A few times come to mind. Anyway, I’ve gotta go. Sarina’s about to get back into bed, and I have a surprise for her. And no, Dean, it’s not my dick or a proposal.
Dean Meyer
My heart’s squeezing at the fact you know me so well.
Garrett Meyer
Wait. What surprise?
Troy Winters
Something I’ve been working on behind the scenes. You guys will find out soon enough.
Dev Menon
Is it what I heard about recently? If so, proud of you, buddy.
Dean Meyer
What the fuck is going on? And why does Dev know and the rest of us don’t?
Dev Menon
I know a lot of shit the rest of you don’t. wink emoji
Hudson Case
I can practically feel a full-on Dean hissy fit coming on.
Dean Meyer
@Troy Winters, why can’t you tell us now? How am I going to sleep after this? Are you guys eloping or something? Should I not come to your house with that banner, then?
Troy Winters
We’re not fucking eloping. WHEN I marry the woman—and make no mistake, I WILL—it’ll be in front of the world to see.
And as for you showing up with the banner? Please refrain, unless you want me to call the mental institution and let them know we’ve found their escapee.
Hudson Case
Whether they have an escapee or not, he looks like one. They’ll take him.
Troy Winters
Talk later. She just came back.
Dean Meyer
NO! Troy, wait!
[ Troy Winters has left the chat]
Dean Meyer
Dammit! @Dev Menon, tell us what you know.
Dev Menon
Sorry, dealing with a puke situation. Talk later.
Dean Meyer
NO! GODDAMMIT!
[ Dev Menon has left the chat]
Dean Meyer
Looks like it’s just me and the rest of you guys.
Hudson Case
Nope, I’m out, too.
[ Hudson Case has left the chat]
Garrett Meyer
Me, too.
[ Garrett Meyer has left the chat]
Dean Meyer
What are you waiting around for, @Darian Meyer? Need me to make a hairless pussy joke?
[ Darian Meyer has left the chat]
Dean Meyer
God, I hate them all.