Chapter 2
2
B eth hovered awkwardly outside General Pants. Back in her kitchen, her plan had seemed so simple—go into town, buy some age-inappropriate outfit to seduce Byron in, then head back home and start dinner. But she hadn’t factored in looking at actual teenagers while she picked out clothes.
Even from her extremely far away vantage point, General Pants appeared entirely staffed by foetuses. She was sure if she stepped inside, she’d trigger an old person alarm and get chased off.
“…I can’t actually,” a girl with braces told her child-friend as they slid effortlessly through the old person barrier. “You actually can’t believe how stupid it looked…”
Not as stupid as Beth knew she’d look trying on clothes in General Pants. She took a feeble step forward, then backed away to a nearby bench, trying to look like she’d remembered something important.
She swigged the Coke Zero she’d bought as a treat without tasting anything. As okay-ish as she felt about her post-baby body, it was still hard sometimes. She was five years older than Byron and, in her opinion, punching well above her weight before she’d given birth. The fact that no one agreed did little to put her mind at ease. Whenever Byron pushed Simon in his stroller, women went into fits of rapture. Again, Beth wasn’t worried anyone would turn his head—Byron wasn’t that kind of guy, and he still got hard watching her put moisturiser on her boobs—but it would be nice to be the one everyone stared at sometimes.
Right now, she’d settle for walking into General Pants without feeling like she was sneaking into a foreign country without a passport. It would be easier if she could picture the clothes she actually wanted to wear for Byron. The fantasy she wanted to cater to tonight was his, and that made arranging the aesthetic trickier.
She’d gotten the idea a few weeks ago when she’d woken early, checked on Simon and spontaneously returned to bed with a coffee for Byron, who was scrolling on his phone and looking adorably rumpled.
When she’d given him the mug handle first, he’d looked at her with such stern surprise she’d felt herself blush.
“Sorry for interrupting, Mr Thomas,” she’d improvised. “Is there anything else I can do for you?”
His green eyes had darkened, and Beth felt a flutter of excitement. She and Byron used to pretend to be different people in bed, and he’d always been into it. Not just into it but eager to play along.
“I don’t know,” he’d said slowly. “How about?—”
Then his phone rang, and Byron swore loudly. From his pained expression, Beth had known it was something important.
“Answer it,” she said. “We can talk when you’re done.”
Byron had smirked. “Good. I’m really into this hot nanny thing.”
Beth was glad he was too distracted by his call to see the shock on her face. She’d been thinking more along the lines of ‘secretary.’ She’d rushed out of their bedroom, panicking that he was attracted to one of the many nannies who’d come to look after Simon through the service Mara had found. After a few minutes of hard breathing into the mirror, she knew that wasn’t likely. All nannies weren’t hot girls, and all hot girls weren’t nannies, and Byron was probably just flirting with her. And sure, he’d never brought up the hot nanny thing before, but he had just become a father. Maybe he was having more… fatherly fantasies?
Unfortunately for both of them, exploring said fantasy wasn’t on the cards. The early morning call had heralded one of the biggest scandals of Byron’s burgeoning career. One of his younger players had been caught fucking one of the senior player’s wives at a party. The older guy caught them going at it and threw the younger through a window. He ran away, only to return with three teammates to start an all-out brawl.
To Beth, the solution was obvious: sack everyone. But she wasn’t a coach, and apparently, the kicking skills of everyone involved meant a mutual shit-canning wasn’t on the cards. It also meant Byron had had his phone glued to his ear ever since, trying to arrange trades and smooth things over while also transitioning to his new role at the Sharks, packing and co-parenting Simon.
They were now less than two days from moving, and Beth desperately wanted to do something for them before they left to mark their time in Perth. But sitting on the bench near General Pants, she wondered if it was just the wrong time.
So when will be the right time? A little voice in her head asked.
The older Beth got, the clearer it became that some ‘truisms’ were blatantly false—that thing about everyone eventually becoming a conservative was ridiculous. But other truisms had gotten so sharp they pierced. Take that John Lennon quote about how ‘life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans’. Beth couldn’t relate to that more. One minute you were a professional housesitter; the next, you were changing your kid’s nappies, and then you were middle-aged and hadn’t done anal in ten years…
“Fuck that.” Beth got to her feet. She needed to figure out what a hot nanny would wear, and since she was incapable of doing so, she needed to outsource. Her first thought was Mara, but as she pulled out her phone, it occurred to her that she knew someone even more fitting for the role. Someone who arranged horny costumes for a living and didn’t know the meaning of the word ‘inappropriate.’
She dialled her sister-in-law’s number, and Sal answered on the first ring. “G’day, moite. How’s the packing? How’s my nephatee?”
“Hi,” Beth said. “Sal, you’re young and cool?—”
“Not really.”
“Sorry?”
“Gen Alpha,” Sal clarified. “Gen Alpha have come online, mate, and they are bullying us. ”
“Uh, sure. Well, when Simon gets old enough for Instagram, I’ll tell him to go easy on you.”
“I just can’t believe it! One minute, you’re on top of the world. The next thing, some kid with an AI toilet in its profile picture is calling me a cringe boomer...”
Beth suppressed a laugh. “Yeah, that’s pretty much how it goes...”
“No one told me!”
“I told you. I said this exact thing would happen because it happens to everyone .”
“Yeah, but like…
“I’m old?”
“Kind of? Only in linear time.”
“Cheers,” Beth said wryly. “Well, circling back to my point, I need to talk to you about something kind of…”
“Horny?” Sal perked up at once. “Sexually motivated?”
“Yes.”
“Nice! Wait… you fuck my brother. Booooo! ”
“Sorry.”
“Ah, someone has to fuck my brother, I guess. What’s the deal? Is your box all munt post-Simon?”
“No,” Beth protested. “Well, it was… but not anymore.”
“Excellent! So, you haven’t fucked since Simon was born, and you want my advice on getting back in the game?”
Beth put a hand to her forehead. She loved Sal, but she always forgot her sister-in-law had apparently inherited all the words Byron would never say and was determined to machine-gun them out as fast as possible. “Your brother and I are having sex, Sal. We had sex three days ago.”
“ Boooooo! So, what’s the problem?”
“I… I want to do something special for him before we move. I want to dress up.”
Sal cackled. “Fuck yeah. Like dress up like a smutty vampire and bite Byron in the neck until he bleeds?”
“I was thinking more… sexy nanny?”
Sal cackled even harder, but thankfully, not as though they found the idea ridiculous. “Fuck yes. Get it!”
“I just don’t have any good ideas for clothes,” Beth blurted out. “I want to look young, but like… authentically young. Not my idea of what looks young. I know I’m old?—”
“Only in linear time! You look fucking great.” Sal made a thoughtful noise. “Hot nanny like ‘thot uni student home wreaker’? Or, like, ‘good girl uni student who’s all cute but clowns on Dad’s dick anyway’?”
Beth widened her eyes. “Oh, wow, that’s a smart question…”
“There are no bad questions. Personally—and I don’t wanna be a total freak—but I think you want the good girl thing. It goes way better with your face and Byron’s uptight vibes.”
Beth had a vision of Byron in bed, looking at her all sexy-stern when she brought him the unexpected coffee. “True. We definitely want good girl. So, what does that look like?”
“Cold-weather Bimbo, Dark Academia meets Christian-Girl-Autumn look.”
Beth frowned. Each of those words made individual sense, but together, not so much. “Can that be boiled down to actual items of clothing?”
“Long socks and oxfords,” Sal said promptly, “A little pleated skirt and a shirt with a sweater vest. Or a cashmere flare dress with a belt and ankle boots. Or a black turtleneck with a blazer and those cute chunky platform sneaks. Or?—”
“I’m getting overwhelmed here, Sal. Do you have pictures?”
“I don’t, but I will,” Sal said, their voice growing distant as though they were already searching for things. “I’ll make a pinboard of ideas. Layers. Plaid. Bimbofication. Hair accessories. Make-up. Underwear, oh my God, underwear! ”
“You don’t have to do too much,” Beth rushed, feeling guilty. “It’s just one look.”
“One look can last a lifetime,” Sal said absently, clearly scrolling for clothes. “Besides, I owe you. You gave me a nephatee.”
“Me and Byron,” Beth said with a smile.
“Fuck that guy. What’s he done lately? Anyway, I’m mega excited for you guys to move back home and all that.”
“So are we. It’ll be great to be closer to you.” A thought occurred to her. “Could you maybe find stores where I can look for dark bimbo clothes? I’m scared to browse where I’m not wanted.”
“Fuck where you’re not wanted. You’ve got money. That’s wanted everywhere.”
Beth’s smile grew wider. That was the thing about having never fit between conventional lines. Sal was braver than she’d ever been, and their bravery was infectious. Beth bet Sal would be fifty and still walking into General Pants like they owned the place. And if nothing fit or it all looked bad, they’d blame the brand and walk out with their head held high.
“Thanks so much,” she said. “For everything.”
“Anytime,” Sal replied distractedly. “I’ll send you some shit ASAP. And if you’re trying for goody-goody academia, you might want a little backpack and a headband, too. Don’t worry, I’ll include it all in my Google Doc!”
Sal hung up, and knowing she needed to give them some time, Beth went to the food court and got a pretzel.
Twenty minutes later, Sal had delivered in spades. Beth bounced from recommended store to recommended store, picking up a tortoiseshell headband, leather ankle boots, a pleated navy skirt, and a pale pink t-shirt. May was warm in Perth, even in Autumn, but she could always crank up the air conditioning… She picked out a floral lingerie set and tried on the whole outfit in the change room.
To her amazement, everything came together beautifully. She didn’t know if she was pulling off ‘Dark Academica,’ but she did look cute.
When she got home, she decided she’d blow out her hair in the Victoria’s Secret model style she hadn’t attempted for months. Thanks to time and regular hair appointments, the bald places had mostly grown out. Mara had suggested extensions if she got pregnant again, and while Beth couldn’t imagine having another baby right now, it was nice to know she had options besides Temu wigs.
She paid for the lingerie and called home to check on Simon.
“He’s great, just staring up at his space mobile,” Wendy said happily. “I’ll send you a photo.”
“Thanks!” Beth was about to ring off when she remembered Wendy and her partner Vivian ran an after-hours babysitting service. It was expensive, but if she wanted to do her hair and make-up and be waiting at the door for Byron…
“I know it’s last-minute,” she said in a rush. “But could you and Viv maybe take Si for a few hours tonight? Until at least eleven?”
“Of course,” Wendy said, sounding surprised. “Is something wrong?”
“Not at all! I just forgot it’s our… anniversary…?”
“Wasn’t that last month?”
Damn their too-conscientious nanny.
“No, not our wedding anniversary,” Beth improvised. “I mean, the anniversary of when… Byron and I… first kissed?”
“Cute. Well, Viv’s caring for another couple of kids right now, so if you’d like, I could take Si with me when I leave and keep him until later?”
Beth chewed her lower lip. The thought of all that free time was indulgent, maybe even reckless…
It was also the old voice creeping through the back door to tell her only a lousy mum would leave their child with someone else so they could have sex. Because God forbid, she wanted to have sex. Christ, have mercy on her for desiring her husband. And Lord only knew the same people shaming her for doing so would be the first to throw stones if she got divorced because she and Byron stopped banging.
“That would be incredible,” Beth heard herself say. “Thanks so much, Wendy.”
“Anytime! See you soon.”
Beth felt strangely disoriented as she returned to her car, shopping bags in hand. She waited for the sky to open and lightning to strike her in punishment. Nothing happened. It was almost like no one cared, like no one even knew. She piled her new clothes into the backseat and found herself smiling. For the first time in what felt like forever, she had a sexy secret. A little corner of herself restored to herself.