Chapter 37 Kieran
Kieran
There is nothing more humbling than a prison cell.
Last week I’d been sunbathing on a private beach, now I had a hard bench and a pool of vomit in the corner that had been hastily covered in sawdust. I’d lost her.
I’d seen it in her eyes when they wrapped those cuffs around my wrists.
Everybody said I was a thug. I didn’t want to be like the man who left me, Mum, and Jack to fend for ourselves.
Every shitty thing that had ever been written about me was confirmed in that moment.
The heavy door creaked open and the police officer peered at me. A wave of sickness rolled over me. My face ached. I hadn’t had a wink of sleep on the narrow mattress that passed for a bed.
“You’re free to go.” The police officer summoned me with a cheerful smile. “Charges have been dropped.”
About fucking time. Sean was every bit as guilty as me. I’d thrown the first punch, but he’d come back at me like an animal. At least I’d laid some good ones on the bastard. However bad my face looked this morning, his would look worse.
Curious eyes burned into me as I shuffled to the desk to collect my belongings. The desk sergeant passed me my phone and my wallet. He glanced over his shoulder and lowered his voice.
“I shouldn’t say this, but any chance of an autograph?”
“Will you arrest me again if I say no?” My mouth was like sandpaper.
The desk sergeant inclined his head. “I’ll arrest you if you lose to Palace next season.”
“That’s fair. I’d arrest me for that.”
He passed me a pad to sign. I flexed my fingers. Pain shot from my bruised knuckles.
“Any chance of a selfie together?” the desk sergeant asked.
For fuck’s sake. I raised a wry eyebrow and regretted it because the slightest flex in my forehead made my head pound. “Sure. Why not? Get the whole station.”
He flashed an overbright smile. “Cheers. They’ll love that.”
I posed for selfies even though my brain felt like it was liquefying. After everyone in the police station, including the cleaners and canteen staff, had posed for selfies with me, I turned the corner to see Jack waiting for me in the reception area.
He raised a wry eyebrow as he took in my disheveled state.
To my shame, it wasn’t the first time he’d dragged my arse out of a police cell.
The last time was when I’d snatched a paparazzi’s phone and dropped it down the toilet.
I couldn’t regret that one. That’s what you get if you try and take a photo of a man having a piss.
He twirled his car keys around his finger. “Heavy night?”
“You could say that.”
He flashed a small smile. “Come on, bro. Let’s get you out of here.”
Jack parked his Lambo in the lot of a drive-through coffee place, and even though I’d spent a fortune in swanky restaurants over the years, nothing had tasted better than this cheap coffee and stale pain aux raisins. It was still dark outside. The moon cast a pale shimmer over the rows of cars.
Jack’s head hung low. “I’m sorry.”
I kept my gaze fixed ahead. “You don’t owe anyone an apology, least of all me.”
A brittle silence pulled tight.
He pressed his forehead to the steering wheel. “I don’t know what to do about Sean.”
Me neither. The worst part was how helpless this made me feel. I’d always done everything I could to give Jack what he needed, but sometimes I didn’t have a clue.
I twisted my disposable cup in my hands, seeking comfort from the heat after that freezing cell. “I’m too old for this shit. It’s costing me too much.”
“What shit?”
“Every time you ask me to go out drinking, I can’t say no. I’m trying to keep an eye on you. But the partying has messed everything up. Rob is pissed off with me. I got passed over to play for England last time. All I’m trying to do is be a good brother.
“I’ve lost Joanie. I don’t know how to fix any of this. She won’t forgive me. And I’m sorry. I know none of this is about me, but I don’t have all the answers. I don’t have any answers for this one.”
“What do you mean, you’ve lost Joanie?”
“Mortimer Fox made me promise not to touch her.”
Jack pressed his palm to his forehead. “I take it you couldn’t follow the rules?”
I turned my face to the window.
He laughed. “Did you even try?”
“Of course I tried, but this woman . . . she’s incredible.
Way too good for me. Not just because she’s Mortimer’s daughter, but because she’s amazing.
She’s kind, and funny, and thoughtful. I’ve never met anyone like her.
Mortimer knew I wasn’t worthy of her. That’s why he warned me to back off.
These people are untouchable, Jack. You know what they’re like. It’s not like he’s wrong, is it?”
I was undeserving of Joanie. She knew it, too. I’d seen it in her eyes when the police had dragged me off. It didn’t matter how much I loved her. She didn’t want me.
I bit my lip until it throbbed. “Mortimer will get me kicked out of Calverdale. I don’t want to leave you there on your own.”
Jack sighed. “Jesus, Kieran. You can’t live your life worrying about me all the time.”
My body ached with exhaustion. “I worry about you every day. Someone has to look out for you.”
I didn’t want to admit weakness, not in front of Jack, but it had been a long time since I’d talked about my feelings. Maybe Joanie had got me back in the habit. “I wanted to be there for you, but I haven’t been. Not enough. I get so angry sometimes. I don’t want to be like him.”
We didn’t call him Dad, because he’d never been that. Jack clamped his jaw tight and stared at the pigeons flapping by the dumpsters. The silence of the early hours of the morning sat heavily between us.
“You’re a great brother, Kieran. Better than any. You’ve done enough. You can fix it with Joanie, because you’re a good man. Nobody is too good for you. You’re nothing like him.”
“Am I a good man?”
“The best. Why do you think Sean is so threatened by you? He already knows you’re the real captain. You’re the one the lads look up to and trust. The only reason Sean wears the armband is because his dad is pulling the strings.”
“I’ve never wanted to be the captain.”
Jack laughed. “Tough luck.” He blew out a breath.
“Everything you want is within your reach. You’ve worked hard for so long.
You have to believe that you’re allowed to take these things.
That you have the right to what you’ve earned.
You walk around with this huge chip on your shoulder, but that shit is just weighing you down. You’re worthy of anything you want.”
Despite my wretched headache, a sudden lightness filled me. “When the fuck did you get so wise?”
A smile crept onto his lips. “I’m not. I just see through your bullshit. You’ve been pushing me for years because it’s easier to set me up for success than believe in yourself.”
I sighed. “I preferred it when my bullshit was more opaque.”
Jack laughed. “Sorry, bro. You’re so transparent. It’s embarrassing.”
We sat in silence for a long time. The sounds of the awakening city filtered into the car—bird trills, the rumble of a truck, the calls of the workers emptying the dumpsters. Jack tapped on the steering wheel. He took a deep breath.
“Sometimes we meet people who are different to us, but something clicks. Opposites attract, I guess.” He picked at the steering wheel. “Me and Ollie are different. He finds it difficult that I’m not . . . open like him.”
I held my breath, searching for words. We’d never had a conversation this frank before. He was opening up to me for the first time. I didn’t want to blow it.
“It’s the visibility, you know.” He took another deep breath, punctuated by a few short gasps.
“I’m not ready for all that yet. It’s a responsibility.
Visibility comes with attention. I don’t want that pressure.
I want people to talk about my football, not my private life.
Maybe one day . . . not yet. It has to feel right. ”
I let the silence stretch until it was clear he wasn’t going to say anything else. He’d already given me more than he ever had before. I understood. It was similar to the reasons Joanie hadn’t wanted to wear that bikini. She wanted the football to take precedence.
“You’re still so young. You have time for anything you want to do in this life.
I’ll do whatever I can to support you. Whatever you need.
Always.” I put as much warmth into my voice as I could.
Jack needed to know I’d be with him for anything he needed.
Not because I owed him a father, but because I loved him as a brother.
“I’ve got your back, every step. Don’t let anyone rush you into anything.
Do what’s right for you. Please know I’m here for you whatever, and I love you. ”
“I know, bro.” He relaxed back into his seat. “I love you too.”
Outside, the first orange streaks brightened the sky.
“Do you think Sean’s making empty threats?” he asked.
“Honestly? He’s a loose cannon. Who knows what he’s capable of?”
“How much shit are you going to be in for punching him?”
A lot of shit. I’d most likely be unemployed in a couple of hours. “If Mortimer doesn’t have me thrown off the team for this, then Sean will.”
Jack gave a resolute nod. “Whatever comes, we’ll get through it together.”
Weak light washed over the row of cars parked in front of us and illuminated my brother’s smiling face.
Salmon pink edged the clouds, and the sky was filled with the most beautiful streaks of lavender.
It wasn’t a Menorcan sunrise, but even a parking lot in England could look beautiful when it held the promise of another day on this earth.
A sunrise was a chance to try again, put things right, and move forward.
That’s all I wanted to do with Joanie. What hope did I have if she wouldn’t let me explain myself?
“I’ve apologized. I said I’d do anything to make it better.
I’d get down on my knees and beg Joanie if I thought it would make a difference.
I’ve never seen that look on her face before.
It was so final. I don’t know how I’m supposed to win her back if she won’t speak to me.
I know I did wrong. I should have been honest, but I had so much to lose. ”
“Give her time, and be honest with her.” He shot me a meaningful look. “Be totally honest, Kieran. Everything. You were trying to protect me. I appreciate it.”
“It won’t work. I don’t even think she wants me to fight for her.”
“Maybe she needs to fight for you.”
I snorted.
He raised an eyebrow. “I’m serious. Why not?”
“I’m the one who fucked this up.”
“You’ve fucked up, but you’ve owned it, and apologized. You’re willing to do the work to put it right. Her dad put you in a horrible situation. She could at least give you a chance to explain yourself, and try to understand.”
Maybe Jack was right. Maybe not. All I knew is that I’d had that for a short time, life had been beautiful, and now everything was shit again. She’d pushed me away. I understood why. Despite Jack’s reassurances, everyone knew the truth. Joanie deserved better than a man like me.