Chapter 13
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Tucker’s hand on my ass squeezed while simultaneously his hand in my hair tightened before he wrenched his mouth from mine.
Wanting it back, never wanting the kiss to end, I chased it and moaned my protest.
“Lizzy,” he groaned.
“More.”
“Baby, I’m two seconds from stripping you down,” he warned.
That sounded like the best idea I’d ever heard.
“More.”
“Tonight,” he declared.
I didn’t want to wait however many hours that was.
“Now,” I pleaded and tightened my legs around his hips.
“Tonight,” he firmly affirmed. “I want to take my time.”
As amazing as that sounded, because I knew what Tucker could do when he took his time, I still didn’t want to wait.
I was hot and bothered and wanted what I knew only Tucker could give me.
Before I could protest…or more aptly beg, he rested his forehead against mine.
“You have no idea how hard it is.” He flexed his hips, grinding his erection against my ass to punctuate his point. “Literally, Lizzy, so fucking hard it hurts. But I don’t want a quick fuck in a hotel room. I want us to have time.”
A quick fuck in a hotel room. We’d had that once. Well, it wasn’t quick, it was an all-nighter. I knew what came the morning after. I knew how badly it hurt to have him walk away. I knew the torturous pain of being friend-zoned. It didn’t matter that pain was worth having him in my life any way I could’ve had him, but it was still pain. And two years ago, I put an end to it, then endured a new kind of agony—losing him altogether.
At that, I snapped out of the sex fog Tucker had created with a kiss.
A kiss.
That was all it had taken for me to forget. No, that wasn’t true, it was a really good kiss. The best. The kind of kiss that bent reality and catapulted you into an alternate universe free of pain and heartbreak.
I loosened my legs and wiggled.
“Put me down.”
Tucker’s grip tightened. Our size difference being what it was, made it easy for him to hitch me higher and keep me where he wanted.
“Nope.”
“What do you mean nope?” I squeaked, having a gut feeling I knew what he meant so I wiggled more.
He pivoted and pushed my back against the wall. Once he successfully pinned me in place he went on to declare his scary intentions. “Not until we get a few things straight. You admitted yourself you love me. I told you I’ve been in love with you from the beginning. We’re talking this out. After that, I’m taking you to my bed and I’m taking my time showing you how much I’ve missed you. In return you’re gonna show me.”
“Tucker—”
“Go ahead, baby, deny it. Lie and tell me you weren’t into that kiss as much as I was. Tell me you haven’t missed me. Tell me you don’t want this as much as I do. I won’t believe you but I’ll listen. I’m not giving up. I’m not letting you retreat. I’m not letting you run. I’m taking us where we should’ve gone two years ago. You can fight it all you want, but, baby, I’m dragging you with me.”
That didn’t sound good mainly because it was everything I wanted and I rarely—as in never—got what I wanted. From as far back as I could remember there were two things I wanted more than anything and I never got them. I wasn’t worthy of them. One day Tucker, too, would figure out I wasn’t worth the trouble, I wasn’t good enough for him. And when he turned his back on me it would hurt worse than all the times my dad told me he didn’t have time for me. I’d learned to live with the sting of my father’s rejection. I’d never live through Tucker throwing me away.
I’d wilt and wither until there was nothing left.
“Just because you’re a good kisser and I remember how good you are in bed doesn’t mean I want a relationship with you.”
Tucker smiled.
The man actually smiled at my snarky, untrue remark.
“Right.”
“And I said I loved you. Past tense.”
“Sure,” he returned, drawing out the word so there was no missing he didn’t believe me.
“And you don’t love me.”
Tucker lost his smile, his face went hard, as did his voice when he declared, “Right there, Liza, is the line. You want to deny you love me, do it. But don’t ever tell me how I feel.”
“I see, but you can tell me how I feel?”
“Yes. When you’re fucked in the head and twisting shit to protect yourself, absolutely.”
“Fucked in the head?”
“Fucked in the head,” he asserted firmly.
Was I fucked in the head? Evidence was suggesting I was. However, I didn’t like him drawing that conclusion even if it was the correct one.
“That’s not nice,” I snapped.
“Never said I was gonna be nice, Liza. I said, I was dragging you with me. I’m sensing you’re not understanding the fullness of that statement. So be clear, I’ll fight as dirty as I have to. You wanna play games, lie, hide, do your worst, Liza. I’ll best any effort you make. I’ll take whatever you dish out, swallow it, and still win. Now, baby…” he leaned closer so all I could see were his gray eyes. “…do you get me?”
Oh, I got him alright. The truth was out. He knew I loved him. He knew why I ran. And I knew Tucker; he’d use my admissions against me. He’d fight dirty. And worse, he never lost. He never backed down.
He was smart.
He was resourceful.
Which meant, I was screwed.
“Can you please put me down?”
“After you tell me you get me.”
“What I get, Tucker, is this isn’t gonna go well for me.”
His eyes closed, his forehead hit mine, and he whispered, “If you think that, then, baby, you’re not paying attention.”
I was paying so much attention the warning bells were ringing and my mental stop signs were nothing more than a blur as I sped past them.
“Just don’t blame me when you find out you’ve wasted your time on me.”
“Liza—”
“You’re all fired up to see where this goes,” I interrupted him, not wanting to hear his rebuttal. Truthfully, he was saying everything I’d desperately wanted to hear. He was giving me hope. Which was something I’d learned the hard way was dangerous. Hope led to devastating pain. “But, Tucker, I know how it ends.”
“How does it end?” he asked softly.
“With you finding out I’m not worth the effort.”
Tucker leaned closer until there wasn’t a smidgen of room between us. I was trapped. Completely engulfed in all things Tucker Mitchell. I could feel his chest rising and falling against mine. All I could smell was him. All I could see were his eyes. I was exactly where I wanted to be—fully immersed in the man I loved.
I was high on hope.
So high, I knew the fall would be far and arduous, and when I hit the bottom it would be crippling.
“Lizzy, baby,” he groaned. “That’s totally fucked.”
“That’s me. The real me. The me I hid from you because this Liza isn’t all that fun to be around.”
More truth I shouldn’t be admitting.
Not that I had much of a chance of concealing who I really was, with Tucker on a mission of discovery. He’d soon learn everything and then he’d leave and I’d go back to missing him. Only this time it would be worse.
A cruelty he didn’t know he was inflicting.
Giving me hope that maybe I could be enough.
Tucker bent his neck back a smidgen, his eyes roamed my face, then he stepped away from the wall. My legs wrapped tighter around his hips and my arms still resting on his shoulders circled his neck.
“That right there is all I need, Liza.”
My confusion must’ve been written on my face. An unfortunate circumstance for me.
“You holding on. That’s it, baby, that’s all I need. I’ll do the rest of the work, just hold the fuck on and let me show you you’re not only worth the effort, you’re worth everything. I promise you—swear it, Liza—all you have to do is hold on and I’ll show you whoever put that in your head was wrong. Dead wrong. You’re the best woman I know, Liza, and if nothing else, I swear I’m gonna make you believe.”
I wanted to believe.
I wanted Tucker to love me.
I wanted to be enough.
But wanting and getting were two different things.
That’s what that phone call back in Tucson was about. My father calling to tell me how disappointed he was I’d gone through with my divorce. He blamed me, and my inability to be a good wife for the failure of my marriage. I wasn’t good enough and never would be.
With no other options available to me unless I wanted to continue on this not-so-merry-go-round, I nodded.
“I give you that play, baby, as long as you know that I know you’re only agreeing so I’ll end the conversation.”
So what, he knew my play.
If it got us out of my hotel room before I did something more embarrassing than begging him to fuck me, I didn’t care what he knew or what I was agreeing to.
“Leave your suitcase, we’ll swing by after work to pick it up.”
I didn’t think staying the night at his house was a good idea but arguing with him would be futile.
I nodded again.
Tucker dropped me to my feet, held onto my hips until I was steady, then turned to grab my purse. Once he handed it to me he declared, “You’re riding back with me.”
Again, I decided arguing with him was useless.
I stayed silent as we walked to the doorway and out of it. The elevator ride was also quiet, so was the walk through the lobby and out to his SUV. But that didn’t mean my brain wasn’t going a mile a minute. So many what-ifs ran through my mind. Scenario after scenario of what could happen raced. None of them ending in the happily ever after Tucker wanted.
I’d been cheated on. I’d been discarded. I’d been unwanted. I was never enough for the men in my life.
This wasn’t going to end well.
“Good, you’re back,” Carter said as soon as Tucker and I walked into TC. “Nick’s waiting for us. We think we have a plan to get you two onto the compound.”
If Carter knew what I’d planned and why Tucker had come after me, he didn’t let on. It was business as usual. No inflection, no censure, just a rushed statement as he strolled across the lobby on his way to the conference room.
I should’ve been grateful. Instead, I felt guilt.
Lauren rounded the corner, heels clicking on the hardwood floor, mug in hand, and smile firmly in place. She really was a beautiful woman. Stylish, friendly, and from what I’d seen extremely efficient. I couldn’t say we were friends, but in the last week I’d been at TC we’d chatted some. Mostly in the break room when we were both in there for a caffeine fix, so I knew the mug she was carrying back to her desk wasn’t coffee, it was Masala Chai made from mushrooms. She swore by it, said it had more caffeine than real coffee with the added benefit of being healthy. I was all for more caffeine; it was the healthy stuff I wasn’t fond of, which meant I’d declined her many offers to try her mushroom drink.
During our brief chats she’d told me she’d worked at TC a good while, even before her now-husband Logan started working there. Obviously I’d meet Logan. The former SEAL used to be in Carter’s platoon along with Trey, Luke, and Matt. During my last visit to Georgia I’d met Luke at Phoenix’s house. He was married to Phoenix’s sister, Shiloh. How that man broke through Sunny’s prickly exterior was a mystery. I loved and adored Sunny but she made her boundaries clear. There was only so far she’d let you in. But the last time I saw her, she was a different person. No, she was the same, but better. She no longer held herself apart.
It wasn’t until right then, thinking about all the ways Sunny had changed did it hit, why she and I had gotten along so well. How similar we were. I had friends, same as her, but none of them—save Tucker—were real friends. The kind you opened up to. All of my friendships were surface, no depth, no sharing, and clear boundaries.
Lauren smiled as she approached and it dawned on me, I’d done it to Lauren. She’d tried asking me about my life—not my job, or the case, but about me. She’d tried to get to know me, but I’d deflected and asked her questions about herself and Luke but mostly about working at TC, keeping our interactions surface level. She’d invited me out to lunch. I’d declined. She’d invited me to dinner with her, Hadley, and Liberty. I’d declined. She’d even offered to wrangle her girls, as she called them, though she hadn’t elaborated on who her ‘girls’ were, to come by my hotel for drinks so I wasn’t alone every night. I’d declined.
And yet she was still smiling at me as she made her way to her desk, Masala Chai in hand. I knew she drank mushroom coffee. She knew I drank regular coffee. That was the only personal information I’d given her, if coffee preference could be considered personal.
“Hey, Liza,” Lauren greeted. “I printed the report you sent me. It’s on Tucker’s desk.”
Damn. I’d forgotten I’d sent her Frank’s field notes and asked her to print them for me.
“Thanks, Lauren.” Before I thought better of it or could change my mind, I tacked on, “And please, call me Lizzy. I mean, if you want. That’s what…um…my friends call me.”
That wasn’t the whole truth, per se, the only person who called me ‘Lizzy’ was Tucker. Though he was my only true friend so it wasn’t an outright fib.
I felt Tucker stiffen next to me. I watched Lauren’s surprise register but she recovered quickly with a nod.
“My friends call me Ren,” she supplied.
That was cool she offered her nickname in return, but now I was at a loss of how to respond. Thankfully Tucker knew what to do.
“Sorry to cut this short, Ren, but Nick’s waiting on us.”
Lauren set her mug down on her desk and picked up a stack of papers, offering them to Tucker.
“Save me the trip, will you?”
Tucker moved to retrieve the papers. I moved with him. But my eyes were on Lauren’s mug.
In for a penny in for a pound.
If I survived the meeting I was going to ask her if I could try her mushroom caffeine elixir. I couldn’t say I’d engage in meaningful conversation, but I’d try the drink.
I was still pondering why I’d offered Lauren to use Tucker’s nickname. Why it was so important to me to accept Lauren’s friendly gesture. Why I suddenly felt like such a bitch for rebuffing her earlier attempts at kindness. When Tucker grabbed my hand and laced our fingers together.
The jury was still out but I was leaning toward it being Tucker’s fault.
He’d given me a kernel of hope.
Maybe it was also Shiloh Kent-now-Marcou’s fault.
The woman had grown up in a cesspool of dysfunction, with a deadbeat father turned cop killer and a mother who’d run out on her family. The only love Sunny ever knew came from Echo, River, and Phoenix, yet she’d opened herself up to Luke and found something beautiful. Something beyond the brotherly love she’d been cloaked in. If she could do it, maybe I could, too. I didn’t know Luke well, but from what I knew he was a lot like Tucker. Honest. Loyal. Charming. Hard-headed. Maybe that’s what I needed, Tucker to fight for me like Luke had fought for Sunny.
Maybe.
Just maybe, Tucker could show me the way. He’d stay true to his word and fight for me, for us.
Maybe if Sunny could take a chance and come out a winner, I could hope.
That was a lot of maybes.
“Lizzy?” Tucker squeezed my hand. I tipped my head back to look at him. “You okay?”
I thought about lying.
I didn’t.
I gave him the truth.
“I don’t know what I am. But, no, I don’t think I’m okay.”
His eyes gentled. So did his features, giving me the old Tucker. My friend. The man who had been the one constant in my life, even if there were times when we’d gone months without speaking, and longer without actually seeing him. The one person who, up until my dinner with Lenox, I’d thought I’d shared everything with. But that night, speaking with Lenox about my father, I realized that was one thing I’d kept from Tucker. And up until Tucker’s declaration he was changing the parameters of our friendship and taking us from platonic to something more, I hadn’t ever considered why that was.
My childhood.
I didn’t like to talk about my childhood so I avoided it and Tucker had never pushed. Not that he’d know there was something there to dig into. As far as he knew, I’d grown up in a middle-income family with both parents in the home. Normal. Boring even. He had no idea how deep I’d buried my father’s disregard and my mother’s constant excuses. Hell, at this point, I wasn’t even sure if I understood my feelings. My father was one of those stop signs I knew not to get near.
“You will be okay,” he promised.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been okay,” I admitted.
“Liza! Tucker!” Carter shouted.
Tucker didn’t move.
However, I needed a mental vacation so I did.
With a tug of his hand, I started in the direction of the conference room. I knew Tucker was allowing this, giving me what I needed, letting me have my play even though he looked like he wanted to whisk me away to his office and finish our conversation.
Maybe this time it was okay to hope.