Chapter 6
CHAPTER 6
MARI
It is so hard now trying to do splits and jump kicks whilst trying to hide a growing stomach. Yeah you heard me. I’m pregnant. You guessed it, by Royce. Well duh considering I lost my virginity to him.
That night was amazing. The most beautiful thing to ever happen to me. I was so excited about the next day, and then my mom ruined it once again. I went back to the bar and tried to catch him, get his last name from the manager and she did give it to me, but when I looked him up, nothing. It’s like he is a ghost.
I began to feel stupid chasing after him because I was positive he wasn’t looking for me and that was enough to make me give up before I started. Besides, where I am living now, I could never make it across town to go work there from school and now in this condition, forget about it.
Finding out I was pregnant was a journey. The first missed period it was easy enough to equate it to stress. I mean, given my life, it makes sense. A few weeks later when I started feeling nauseous, I chalked that up to skipping meals due to being limited on funds. Made sense to me. When the vomiting started, calling it the flu was only feasible for so long until I had to go to the doctor. I knew. Logically I knew by then because I hadn't had a period in two months, but I think as long as it wasn’t confirmed I could pretend. Once it was confirmed, there was never a question of what I was going to do, but more what to say and not to say.
I thought about it long and hard. I knew I could get away with hiding it for a while but once I could no longer, I had no thoughts on what then. I suppose I could have continued to try to find Royce, but then what? He knew I had a boyfriend before him so why would he believe it is his baby? True, he took my virginity, and he knows it, but given my mom’s reputation, what if he didn’t believe the baby is his? Besides, there is no way I can keep this baby. What kind of life would it have? What kind of life would I have? I am leaving this town as soon as I graduate, and I cannot do that with a baby no matter how much I want it and love it. It deserves better than me.
“Geez Mari. Dipping in the doughnut bin much,” Lucy, one of the spotters says once she moves me to the floor. I should say something to her, but I am too embarrassed. I know I have gained weight, and she has every right to be miffed. So, I say nothing, grab my stuff once it is over and walk out of the gym.
I often take a minute before going home because I have to wait for the next bus and transfer two more buses to get to the undesirable part of town. It is a bit of a respite before going home to my mom and whatever douchebag she has with her. Hell my face is still healing from the last one.
I came from practice one-night last week and caught this drunk ass choking her over some beer. I jumped on his back, he jerked me off him, and slapped me when I got in his face. I missed two days of school trying to wait for that to fade slightly. Yeah my life is awesome. I am so lost in my own mind I don’t hear Mila, our captain, walk up behind me.
“Mari, can we talk?” Mila asks, her voice calm and low. Her eyes track my cheek, and I know she is looking at the yellowing on it. I stop myself from flinching from embarrassment.
“Sure. Yeah,” I answer by moving over so she can sit. “I know I haven't been my normal self. I’m sorry. I understand if you want to drop me from the team.” Might as well beat her to the punch. It is bound to happen.
“No, not at all but I do want to ask if you still want to be on it? I mean when I joined and became co-captain I thought I was going to build a team of sisterhood. One where we can be there for each other, share things that scare us and help one another overcome. Now looking at you, alone, obviously in pain, I don't think I have done a good job of that, and I am sorry I let you down.” I know my face shows confusion and incredulity. Is she serious? This team is the only reason I haven’t tried to kill myself. Up until now these girls have been a lifeline. My only friends even if we never hang out outside of here unless we have to. I still feel like a part of a sisterhood as a cheerleader and that has saved my life.
“No please. It’s not you. I just…I’m so used to not talking to anyone that I am not sure I could.”
“Try. We all know something is up, Mari. Look, tell me whatever is easiest to talk about. Then the harder stuff will come right out.” She smiles like she has just given me the answer to life, and I want to trust her. Mila has always been sweet, compassionate and all about us being there for one another. I have always felt I could trust her, it’s just not easy. So I take a deep breath and give it a shot.
“Okay. The truth is none of what I have to say is easy per say, but I guess this is the one you need to know anyway. I’m pregnant.” I say it and then hold my breath waiting for her response. She stares at me like she thinks I am going to laugh and say I am joking but when I don’t several different emotions show across her face, and I feel slightly deflated. “You’re probably wondering how I could be so stupid,” I whisper with tears falling down my face. She immediately looks mortified and begins shaking her head.
“No, I'm sorry. I am not judging you. I was just shocked and wondering if you are sure?” smiling, I nod my head.
“Yeah. I found out a month and a half ago.”
“Really? How far along are you?” It feels weird to be talking about this but also sort of good to be sharing it with someone.
“Four and a half months?” She doesn’t look like she believes me.
“How is that possible? I mean you…” I know what she is trying to say so instead I stand up and show her. Taking off my sweatshirt, I turn to the side and relax my core and my entire body exhales. I hear her gasp, but my own eyes are on my belly. Besides, I know what she is seeing. “Holy… I mean… Wow. How have you hid that?” she blurts out and then her hand covers her mouth. I giggle because I get it.
“I know right? I think at first I was in such denial. I knew for months, I think before having it confirmed by a doctor, but I was able to pretend and force myself to come up with another explanation for the missed periods, and the emotional moments and because I have so much other stuff happening, that I just kept overlooking it. I figured my body followed suit.”
“So what changed? I mean what made you pay attention?” Her voice gets lower and sort of weird when she asks that.
“I could only call the vomiting ‘flu-like symptoms’ for so long before I had to find out the truth. Finally, I went to the doctor, and she made me take a pregnancy test. It took less than two minutes for it to come back positive. By then I was three months along.” Almost as if I am alone, I rub my belly.
“I-I um…what about the father?” My body tenses when she asks that question. It occurs to me this question, this very one is the reason I have hidden this so fiercely. I don’t want to have to answer this. Instead of addressing it, I frantically begin grabbing my coat and such needing to get away from the impending judgement. “Mari, wait. Did I say something?” She grabs my arms and gives it a gentle tug keeping me from running out. My brain is going in circles trying to figure out how to answer it without answering it.
“I haven’t told him, and I don't plan on it. I need to get away. Find somewhere to go where he can’t find me.” I need to be able to give this baby a better life and giving it up for adoption is the only way even though it is going to kill me. I ask for forgiveness every night from my baby for not being around when it is growing up. I try explaining my reasons, but it never feels sufficient.
“Does he hurt you, Mari? Is that what the bruises are from?” my head jerks up at first, my instinct to defend Royce because he would never but then it hits me, she is talking about James. Oh my gosh. Everyone still thinks we are together. That never dawned on me. But now…now this might be my saving grace. Better they think it is his and pity me then to know the truth, that I had a one-night stand with someone out of my league and have them thinking I am a gold digger. So instead of denying it, I nod my head thanking God the tears help shield my shame from lying. “Mari, why? Why haven’t you told anyone?”
“I grew up seeing it, listening to the cries and pleas and hearing the shattering glass and the impact of fists and flesh. It seemed normal, until the day I found out I was pregnant. I realized on that day two things; I can’t keep this baby, and I will not stay in this cycle my mom created. So, I contacted an adoption agency, and I have been saving money to disappear. Not just from him but from my home life too.”
“Do you need somewhere safe to stay, Mari? I can help you find a place. I mean you can come home with me if you want?” Her words are sincere and sweet.
“No, I will figure it out.”
“Okay listen, I don’t want to push you. Why don’t we do this? Next month boyfriend and I are going to a winter feast, sort of a thing put together by one of his friend’s mother who is a chef. How about you come with us? Hang out, have some fun and we talk some more about this. Okay?” I appreciate her giving me time to get comfortable with sharing information about my life. By next month I should be in a better headspace. Hopefully.
“Well, I don’t know…” As usual my first gut response is to decline and retreat into myself but here Mila is trying to be supportive, and a friend and I don't want to shove her face in it. “Alright. I will give you my address.” We exchange information since mine has changed. In some strange way I feel hopeful like I have been granted a hail Mary of sorts. I am not sure why I feel this way yet, but I will take it. It has been a while since I felt anything resembling happiness. Four and a half months to be exact.