19. Delilah
CHAPTER 19
Delilah
T he next morning, I rolled over to see a freshly showered Alexander standing patiently watching me, dressed in athletic shorts and a T-shirt.
“How long have you been there?” I cried, noticing my covers had slipped and yanking them back over me.
“A while,” he said. “But I won’t touch you unless you want me to.”
“I do not want you to,” I snapped.
“Want to go up the Greenways?” he asked. “It’s finally dry enough for it to be safe.”
I hesitated. I did not want to do anything with Alexander.
Especially after last night.
But I did want to do the Greenways climbing route before I left.
“I’ll help you the whole time,” he promised, looking down earnestly at me. “You don’t have to worry about it being too hard.”
Gritting my teeth, that settled it.
I was done pretending he was a better climber than I was.
I’d walked by that route many times, Alexander thoughtfully assuring me that someday we’d be ready for it.
“Wait here,” I said. “I’ll go change in the bathroom.”
“All right,” he said, and he sat lightly on my bed to wait for me.
When we set out from the palace, all the climbing gear in Alexander’s backpack, I got a sense of déjà vu so sharp and poignant it made my head spin. We used to go climbing all the time. It was one of our favorite things to do together.
Would he be mad when he found out how much better than him I was?
Not that he was a bad climber by any means, my estranged husband had a lean, quick athleticism that meant he was good at so many sports.
But I was simply much better than him at this one.
It was a perfect day, the sky a glorious blue, with little happy clouds scudding across its wide expanse, the wooded trail keeping us cool.
“Do you want me to go first?” Alexander asked, winding the rope around his arm. “To show you the trickiest parts?”
“Nope,” I said blithely. “I’d rather go first, actually.”
He snapped me carefully into the harness, checking and double-checking the ropes and carabiners to make sure they were secured properly. I remembered that even in my initial love haze I had always noticed this and been impressed.
Maybe I would have been impressed by anything he did, but for an easygoing, drop-dead gorgeous royal who had always had everything handed to him, he was not easygoing about my safety, and never let me do any climb without making sure everything was properly secured.
I steeled myself not to shiver at his touch, the way his strong fingers skimmed by my skin.
As soon as he let me go, I turned and sighed as I placed my hands on the cool, smooth expanse of the rock.
It had been too wet in the spring to do the Greenways or any other route, and it gave me a sense of calm to feel the hard granite, my eyes already scanning for the first handholds.
I placed my foot on the first step and began.
Unlike all the other times we had gone, I didn’t go slowly. I went as fast as I wanted.
“Delilah, be careful!” Alexander called out.
I ignored him, instead reaching for my next fingerhold.
My toes stretched, and I could feel my calves flexing. My body was strong. I was strong.
I leaped for the tiny crack, landing exactly where I wanted, my toes gripping the rock, my fingers firm and sure as I steadied myself and looked for my next destination.
Alexander sucked in his breath, but I didn’t look down at him.
The wind whipped through my hair, making me feel wild and free. It was a joy to go as fast as I wanted to, feel my limbs moving, let myself take a riskier route just for the thrill of it.
When I reached the top, I turned around, staring out over the gorgeous Norjava countryside.
God, I did love it here. I felt a pang at the idea that in only a week or so I would be leaving forever.
Alexander didn’t say anything as I belayed down, but when I was almost at the bottom, he caught me in his arms, turning me around to look at him.
“You’re stunning up there,” he breathed. “You’re mile s better than I am, Delilah. We’re not even in the same league. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I guess I didn’t think you’d like me if I was better than you,” I said, uncomfortably realizing that I had been foolish. “I guess that was silly.”
“I love it!” the King said. “You’re phenomenal. Maybe with some practice I can be as good as you.”
He flashed his big smile at me, and it almost looked genuine this time, even though the dark, haunted circles under his eyes remained.
“But you weren’t silly,” he went on, his fingers slowly brushing a curl from my neck. “I’m sorry. For being an arrogant ass. For not making it clear that I don’t give a damn about status or you looking a certain way. Or pretending you’re not a genius rock-climber.”
There was a lump in my throat at his words. Why hadn’t he said them before? Why must he always do everything too late?
He was so close, and it would be so easy to melt into him, let him put those big arms around me.
But I dropped my eyes and moved my hands to the carabiners.
“Want to give me some tips?” my husband asked, his hands moving efficiently over the harness, that gleaming grin breaking out across his face.
“Keep looking to the left,” I said briefly. “There are some easier handholds that way.”
My husband stretched strong tanned arms up to the rock face, the slight wind rustling his golden hair. I watched him silently as I belayed, watched as he moved slowly through the route, gnawing on my lip as I saw his toned legs stretch, the way he flattened his whole body against the rock, the way the muscles stood out in his arms and across his shoulders as he gripped the deep crevasse.
He had to be slower and more deliberate, and he had to backtrack a few times, listening carefully when I pointed out a far handhold when he was stuck.
He made it too, stretching his toes against the almost sheer rock face and leaping for the hold, holding desperately on even though it was only a tiny ledge.
Alexander was tenacious.
More tenacious than I had expected him to be. . .
“We make a good team,” he said when he reached the ground again.
I turned away. “We aren’t a team at all,” I said in a hollow voice. “Just two people going rock-climbing.”
I could feel his disappointment, almost taste it in the air.
“You don’t understand how much I love you,” he cried out brokenly. “How sorry I am for hurting you. How badly I want to go back to the way things were.”
“We can never go back to how things were,” I said, not looking at him.
How could I ever forget what had happened?
After a moment of silence, I heard him take a deep breath.
“Want to take a rest before we had back?” he asked. “But I can’t stop trying. I won’t stop trying. Because losing you is all I think about, Delilah. I can’t stop trying to fix this.”
We sat on a big rock near the overlook, and he fished around in his backpack, handing me a Tupperware full of cut-up watermelon and blueberries.
For a few moments, we were both silent, watching the sun climb higher in the sky, sending bright rays over the lush green treetops of the forests around Norjava Palace.
“I’m sorry if you don’t want to talk about this,” Alexander said. “But I have to tell you, Delilah. I—remember how I used to see so much love in your eyes when you looked at me. It kills me not to see that when you look at me now. Kills me. Is there no hope of me ever getting it back?”
The pain in his eyes was so raw it almost took my breath away.
My throat tightened, and I swallowed a bit convulsively.
“It’s not—just the cheating. I heard what you told Libby, you know. I heard you say you could do whatever you wanted and I would always come running. Because I was that stupidly in love with you. Well, no longer, Alexander,” I continued, my voice feeling stretched and sandpapery.
“I am so sorry you heard that,” he said in a low tone. “I was arrogant and stupid. I didn’t appreciate you like you deserve, but I promise I will never make that mistake again!”
“And what assurance do I have of that?” I asked angrily.
“Look at my face, Delilah,” Alexander said. “You fucking shattered me when you left. I would never risk that again.”
When I didn’t respond, he spoke again.
“I’ll take anything you give me, Delilah. I know I have no right to ask you to stay. But I will take anything. You don’t have to love me again right now. Or like me again. Just stay at the palace. Please. Give me more time to convince you that you can trust me.”