12
Kristof woke me when he joined me in bed later, clearly having a hard time because it was my period. I threw fuel on the fire and told him that I’d kissed other people and let them touch me. That I’d loved every second of it and had been a naughty wife who needed to be punished.
I was even naughtier when I moved so I was facing Tian as my husband spanked me. The vampire watched me as my husband did everything to me. I was pretty sure Vitor caught on, but he was also into watching Kristof “punish” me and then love on me, so he wasn’t going to bring it up.
We took a soak in the bath and Kristof doted on me before handing me something. I was shocked when I realized it was the phone with James’s apology.
I couldn’t get my mouth to work for a minute. “Why? I thought you don’t want me with him?”
He sighed as he washed my legs. “I want you happy, my love. I don’t want to be selfish with you and our love to grow. As much as I want to be everything you need, I know my limits and there is something the cat gives you that I can’t. Plus, you hurt and I heard part of his apology and I know you well enough that it will help.”
And he felt attached to something James had said. It resonated with Kristof. That was clear from the way he pushed.
I nodded that I heard him and watched the apology. Instantly, I knew what had made an impact with Kristof. It was the way James talked about his place in life and how it was never framed to him as a belief or view but law—how everyone felt. And he’d had to almost flee his family to learn his own mind.
Yeah, Kristof would understand that more than most.
But most wouldn’t understand that when James loved his family.
It did if someone watched the whole video. He started with saying again that he was an asshole and should have explained when we’d gotten together knowing that joke was between us, but he never thought his cat would react like that. He’d always thought the person side of him was the one who was so volatile on the leash thing, so his cat doing it was surprising.
Fair. I mean, I couldn’t understand it not being a shifter, but it made sense. I’d been around them enough now to know that it was a whole other being inside of them at times.
James was honest and very vulnerable in the video saying how him being born first was a horrible curse and weight. That he might be an Alpha shifter, but he’d never wanted the responsibility of the family. The head of the clans—it was like being princess. They were shit on for everything. He fully understood why his dad was such an asshole.
That he hated him at times and especially how he’d treated Trisha and the other sister they’d lost in NYC, but he understood how his dad had gotten there. And it was always his leash to his family, the tie-down. He had the same reaction at times with tying off ships which was comical since he’d run off to join the Navy to get away from his family.
Not forever, but he wanted to have a life as James and learn who he was before he could ever become head of the clan. He didn’t want to become their puppet and the next one of a line of broken men. And then he apologized for saying “puppet” specifically after what I’d been through, but that was what it had always felt to him.
Plus, his cousins all hated him for being next. They acted like he’d get to rule a country and fortune, but it was a burden. And that animosity never went away. His dad’s cousins and siblings were assholes to him. They blamed him for everything. He loved his family but hated how toxic they were. Like an uncle lost his job and somehow it was his dad’s fault.
The whole family were rude and shitty to him until he got the guy a new job. All of it on his lap. Like… Where was the perk to being head of the clan? And he was constantly told that was just being the leader.
Except it wasn’t. The Gagnons were a perfect example of that. The Begleys were a bit too toxic, and him leaving—getting Trisha out later too—gave him the perspective. But he always had nightmares of being pulled back in and forced to live that life. He said it wasn’t always the right analogy, but a lot of times it was almost like a retractable leash that dragged him back.
I got it. I heard him, and it might have seemed off base or crazy… It wasn’t my life. I hadn’t lived what he had.
I mulled over what he’d said while Kristof washed and conditioned my hair. “I love when you do this. I feel so loved and special when you treat me this tenderly thinking that you’re too hard to be gentle that it makes me want to cry.”
He was quiet a minute, but then I was shocked when he sniffled. “Thank you, my love. Thank you. I needed to hear that I’m not failing you. Especially today.”
I blinked back tears as I turned to meet his gaze. “It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t my fault. We didn’t fail. That asshole was an asshole, and we did what we should. We can’t control them. I’m just glad he didn’t kill anyone.”
“I know. I just—your vision for the world is so beautiful and I hate when people shit on it. I want to make it happen for you.”
“I love you too, you old fart.”
“Thank you, my wife,” he chuckled and went back to his task.
I also looked over the pictures in the phone and it sparked something in the back of my mind, making me chuckle. I told Kristof what I was thinking, and he laughed so hard he had to drop my hair and lean on the edge of the tub to not fall over.
“He might not find it as funny as we do, Inez,” he warned.
I gave a half shrug. “I didn’t say what I did to hurt him or just lash out. Part of me does wish that maybe I could stop loving him. Maybe it’s time he proves he’s worth my love and…” I shrugged again and looked away from his knowing gaze.
Explanation or not, what James had done had really hurt me. I’d done something privately as a joke, already hurt that he hadn’t stood up for me when people were laughing at me. He should have pushed back and not let people laugh at something because of him but instead enjoyed that they said I was whipped for him or whatever.
I would never, not ever have allowed someone I loved to be treated that way.
So when I tried to teasingly call him on it, he behaved that way.
Yeah, he deserved a bit of payback and spanking.
Which he seemed to understand was on the docket the next morning when there were a lot more people gathered at Albuquerque than normal. Shifters even and clan heads. Lots of visiting vampires and all of the nobles staying with us to support their princesses. Clearly, people heard something was going down.
People needed anything else to talk and think about besides the apocalypse, so I didn’t even blame them this time.
“It’s up to you,” I told James as he approached me. That didn’t seem enough, so I decided to give him something. “I watched the video and understand.” I turned and held my hand out to Sisay who was my guard. He gave me the jewelry box and James’s eyes flashed with something.
He let out a slow breath and glanced around before nodding. He pulled off his sweater and knelt before me. He stared up at me with something soft in his eyes that actually surprised me. Then he smiled, probably seeing my confusion.
“I love you, My Princess. I hurt you and I regret that. You deserve your pound of flesh, but you won’t do anything to really humiliate me.”
Glad one of us had faith in that because I didn’t. I’d been beaten up too much… And partially by him.
I opened the box and showed him the pink diamond necklace that was a sub collar according to Kristof and my husbands. We’d found it when raiding, and there had been jokes about how it would be pretty on their princess and made them think of a Star Wars princess when she’d been caught by a blob—I didn’t understand it all.
I just knew it was about ownership and sexual games and definitely one person showing dominance over the other. I raised an eyebrow at him. “Do you want me to put this on you, my pretty kitty?”
He glanced at it and swallowed loudly. “I’m honored that the woman I love would give me such a valuable gift. Of course I’ll wear it proudly.”
“Good boy,” I chuckled darkly as I took it out of the box and handed that to Sisay.
I put it on James, glad Kristof thought to put a few chain extensions in it so it would fit. I turned his head one way and then the other so I could see it from different angles but really so that others did. I kept my fingers under his chin as I gave him a soft kiss.
“You were a bad kitty, but you’re still my kitty, so you’ll wear that until I’m not upset and you give me what I really need. Then we’ll design something together,” I told him firmly. I let my fangs slide out and took in a slow breath as I ran my fingers over his neck. “And you’ll join me in bed tonight with my eldest Night—all night. Unless you object.”
“Never,” he breathed, getting something else was going on from the way the vampires there were whispering. “Thank you, My Princess.”
I gave him another kiss and then looked at all of the visiting nobles. “This isn’t just for show, and I do know what I’m doing. Let’s not have any misunderstandings and risk our alliances. He is mine.”
“Clearly, Princess, and no, we want no trouble,” someone said loudly, several immediately agreeing.
Good. Something was nipped in the bud for once and I got to spank one of my men before another issue spun out.
For once. Maybe.
Hopefully?
We didn’t have sex that night like James maybe had hoped, but he was very happy to hold me while I fed from him and Kristof took me. Over and over again, and I touched James, kissed him and stroked him until he couldn’t give me anymore blood. Then I simply loved on him and my husband, but only Kristoff had me.
“I don’t understand what happened today and most of the shifters were back and forth about it,” James admitted to Kristof when they thought I was asleep.
“She basically accepted your engagement offer like our ways. It makes her able to kill anyone who touches you or your family,” he explained quietly. “She already said it, but it’s the ways of vampires, and princesses don’t do it for shifters. To have you up here overnight while she bleeds and they all think you’re having sex—you’re engaged.”
Vitor took over when James seemed upset. “Even if you don’t say it like that—in our ways. That level. She’s not pushing you to propose. No, she’s been burned from moving too fast.”
“She burned the ground around me and mine,” he whispered. “I get it. I just don’t get why, especially after I fucked up again.”
“It’s because you fucked up again that people think they have a chance of stealing you away and the wound it would be to her and this coven,” Kristof mumbled, sounding too tired. “Or they could pressure you somehow—Trisha probably, and Inez wouldn’t help because you hurt her. Inez sidestepped that, especially after you were so useful in Europe.”
“I’ll deserve it,” James whispered before shifting and crawling into bed with me.
I smiled and snuggled up against his soft fur, really falling asleep as his leopard licked my face and my husband slid in behind me. That was exactly what I needed when there was so much crazy.
And I was the one bringing some of the crazy into my life now. I needed to be smacked for that. I knew that.
I knew that .
But for some reason, I couldn’t stop myself. I could not stop fucking with Tian. Every time he was my guard or even if he wasn’t and I had the chance, I was pressing against him or messing with him in some way. I let him catch me alone and told him to finger me, knowing he got blood from me that way.
That was it. I wouldn’t give him more or what I knew he wanted. I was driving him crazy and I fucking loved it.
So I was a psychopath now?
Awesome.
Seriously… Awesome.
I was more than ready for my first official session with Vanessa a couple of days later.
“First, I want to be honest how unsettling the whole thing is with your period, and it will take me a bit to get my head wrapped around it,” she told me. “I didn’t want to start off our time being honest trying to hide that. Also, I’m advising against this.” She gestured to Kristof sitting in the corner of the room reviewing something.
And his lips simply twitched.
“I love you, you old fart,” I chuckled.
“Thank you, My Princess,” he sighed.
I smiled at Vanessa. “My husband has his faults and he knows that. He knows he has traumas and—we’ve always—not always been able to be honest, but Kristof is one of the few people in the world—he truly wants to know what he does wrong. I’ve told him when he is the problem, and he’s been the one to comfort me through that hurt.”
“That’s rare,” she praised, glancing at him. “And surprising from what I’ve observed.”
“He’s only soft with me. And importantly, for this to work, he’s protecting me. He has a barrier over this room so all the super old vamps who are visiting and raiding for our alliances can’t hear what’s happening in here. So he’ll—nothing we’ll say will probably shock him. Or maybe it will help him understand me better when I have trouble communicating.”
“As we both do, my love. I hope hearing you be brave will push me to be brave as well,” he said gently. “I’m very proud of you for taking this step and putting yourself first. I hope we can have these sessions together, and I’m here to help anyway I can. I can wear your earbuds and blast music—whatever you need.”
I thought about that a minute. “Maybe for some things if I need to feel I can work things out on my own, but I definitely want your support while getting her caught up on the crazy. I might even need you to jump in when things get hard.”
“Always. I will always jump in, my love.”
“Okay, I withdraw my objection as long as he really does allow you to have private sessions when you want it.” She gave a half shrug. “This normally registers as controlling behavior from where I sit. I understand I’m the unknown and you need to be protected, but you’re much stronger than me, and I know I’m not in good shape physically. So…”
Again, she shrugged.
Fair enough.
I let out a slow breath. “No, but you’re going to be influencing me, and after what we learned about what my family did, the ones who love me were nervous about letting someone be alone with me and having any power over me that way.”
“I only heard whispers,” Vanessa said gently. “I did talk to Josephine…” She trailed off when I flinched. Yeah, it was hard to hide that even hearing the name upset me. “She wants to change her name.” She nodded when I did a double take.
“I would ask why or what she wants for that?” Kristof worried, immediately moving next to me and wrapping his arm around me protectively.
I bit back a smile and saw Vanessa was amused as well.
She ignored him and focused on me. “Seeing your reaction to her name and knowing it causes you pain when you’re the only princess who has offered any real kindness besides Noel solidified her decision. She has always disliked the name and the people who gave it to her. And you should know that she approached me to discuss it in earnest, no one pressured her.”
“This is the first I’m hearing of it, and everyone snitches to me about everything,” Kristof muttered. “But I’m glad. For Inez and—we want people to heal. I say that as someone my wife has healed immensely.”
Vanessa nodded that she heard him but again stayed focused on me. “She would like some time to find the right name that she likes and take the decision seriously. But she would also ask that those in your inner circle be open to… Test-driving names. That it’s explained to them that this is something she wants to break free from her past and to be kind.”
“Absolutely. We would even if it wasn’t an issue for me or I will pound people into the ground,” I told her, my tone making it clear I wasn’t kidding. “That’s not a big deal, and—we need more allowances for everyone.”
“Agreed, and you’ve done an excellent job fostering that environment.” She cleared her throat when I went to brush her off. “I need you hear me on this, Inez.” She sighed when Kristof corrected her. “I’m sorry, but in here, I need her to just be Inez. In here.”
“I agree,” I told Kristof.
“As you wish,” he accepted. “Yes, I guess that’s best. As long as she’s not flexing on you having you call her doctor whatever.”
“No, not when this will be a bit unorthodox and probably cross professional lines into big sister advice at times because the situation is so dire given the whole apocalypse thing.” Vanessa waited until I nodded. “And I’m doing that now. You need to hear me that you’ve done an amazing job , Inez. I’ve heard over and over again that you making it this far is a miracle.
“All of these guest nobles say it all of the time and their princesses agree. That you’ve done what no other princess could have and during the fucking apocalypse while the corrupted and gods hunt you. Plus, so young even for humans. Ignore their jealousy and realize that even the ones who dislike you are in awe. You’ve done something amazing, and you have to start accepting that.”
I blinked at her a moment before I burst out crying, shocking the shit out of Kristof.
But Vanessa wasn’t surprised. She had tissues ready.
So my reaction didn’t make me a weirdo then?
“Relief,” she whispered when I started to calm down several minutes later. “You let out all that tension and anxiety and stress that you constantly carry around that you’re failing and someone else could have done better. Yes, your reaction was normal, and you need to have it more. That will keep you going, and you need to keep going for all of our sakes.”
And maybe for the first time in a long time, I felt like I could. I also felt like I could be honest with her.
“I keep wanting to act out,” I confessed when Kristof went back to the corner to look over stuff. “Do crazy things and start trouble in my own life and—I hate all of the drama and—why would I do that? The drama breaks me, so why would I—what is wrong with me?”
“Nothing,” she said firmly. She nodded when I looked at her like she was crazy. “Inez, that’s a completely normal response to your trauma . Fuck, traumas as in several, and I’m in awe you keep moving and only took one bum day which you need more of and was a very healthy move. If you need to act out a bit and do something stupid—do it.”
“I’m making problems for me later,” I worried.
And I shot a worried look at Kristof which he didn’t catch.
But Vanessa did. “You’re not hurting yourself physically, right?” She looked relieved when I shook my head. “You’re not physically hurting people?” Again, I shook my head. She let out a long breath and leaned forward so her forearms were resting on her knees. “Do I recommend you throwing grenades in your life? No, of course not.
“I’m not a sociopath. It’s normal. It’s expected. I’m here to try and recommend other options for you to handle these common urges before it becomes too destructive. I don’t want you lashing out. If you have a weekend of sex and drinking—normal. Even sleeping with someone you shouldn’t. I would say try to do things that get anger out to try and—”
“Preemptively,” I muttered, getting where she was going. I nodded when she did. “Trisha and my female knights tried making me go jogging before, but—you’ve seen it. Everything goes to shit so fucking fast. The twins and others were working with me on training. Cerdic too. It’s just…” I blew out a harsh breath. “It’s the fucking apocalypse.”
“It is, but you’re not the only one who needs these outlets. And I suggest fast , because as people aren’t constantly scared for their lives and on edge every second of every day, they’re going to start acting out too. Validly after what they’ve been through. I’m amazed Albuquerque hasn’t seen a lot of fights and brawls.”
“We didn’t bring the problems but yes, we’ve been waiting for it too because everyone is too close to ‘popping’ as several said,” Kristof interjected. “We don’t know how to handle the situation. Any advice would be welcome.”
“You’ve done an amazing job getting back what they’ve lost from food to necessities and convenience. Whoever came up with the drive-in Friday night movie night is a genius. It’s helped. But you need to get the aggression out.”
“In your perfect world, how would that look?” I shrugged when she raised an eyebrow. “Everyone doesn’t want to play with a sniper rifle and shoot corrupted.”
“No, but even I want to fucking shoot a whole lot of them and I’m not good with guns. I would love someone to let me shoot them like fish in a barrel for what I’ve lost—who I’ve lost. Let me get one time to just— please .”
I felt for her when she sniffled and looked away.
“We could do that,” Kristof muttered. “Set up guns and have help—like the bridge situation in Alaska but not so crazy. Set schedules and let—we could make that work once we’ve got more handled with the coven.”
“What else?” I asked Vanessa. “Some won’t want to.”
She considered that. “Something like destruction rooms. You can destroy things into energy beads anyways, right? Take a bunch of us to a parking garage and let us get it out with sledgehammers. Fuck, that sounds nice. I just—I’m not a violent woman, but my kickboxing class used to keep me sane. We need that type of release.”
“Before people start letting it out on each other,” I finished for her, understanding that was the rest of that sentence if she took the thought all of the way.
She nodded, not denying it. It was good feedback to hear.
I finished my hour and a half session, and then we talked to her for another hour about her new role. All of the medical personnel had been pulled out of all the human settlements and put into special housing. So that was helpful, and they were able to trade notes on what they needed and especially what they were looking for in help.
Perfect. Hopefully, that would get us to a more efficient place.