Protecting His Vampire Mate (Blood Bonded Mates #3)

PROLOGUE || BRYAN

I was probably the only vampire in history who had ever stood in front of a coven of upset witches and wanted them to do something completely awful to me. But I already knew they wouldn’t. Not even after I had drained a bunch of them dry and very nearly caused a massive war between the witches and vampires of the city as a result.

“On this eve of Litha, as the sun sets upon the longest day of the year, we gather here to pass judgment upon the vampire centered here in our circle for the deaths of nine of our brothers and sisters.” The Witch Queen herself stood before me, in a long burgundy dress, her blond hair wavy and shimmering in the soft glow of the faerie lights. She looked regal, formidable, and very, very witchy. She added, raising her eyebrows at me, “Please speak your full name.”

“Bryan Peterson,” I gritted out. As if she didn’t already know it.

I resisted the urge to heave the frustrated sigh that was building up inside me. The pomp and circumstance of all this was completely ridiculous. I already knew she was going to pardon me, even if I didn’t want her to. Why not just send everyone an email or something instead, if she wasn’t even going to bother to do her job properly?

Why force everyone to watch as she let me off the hook completely?

It seemed like at least half the coven was there, on the back lawn of the stronghold. They stood in an enormous circle all around me, keeping well back. I didn’t look at any of them. But I could feel dozens of pairs of wary eyes on me, their faces streaked black and gold from the ring of faerie lights the witches had conjured, tiny motes of light hovering in the air like fireflies, which did little to beat back the deep purple shadows from the rapidly gathering twilight.

Tatiana’s violet eyes met mine and there was a softness to them that I didn’t deserve. She had linked her mind to mine only two weeks prior, in order to obtain information about the warlock who had enchanted me. She had seen everything I had done firsthand. How could she even look at me now? But somehow, seeing it for herself hadn’t made her recoil from me in horror, but had instead softened her to me.

She acted like she knew me or something.

“On behalf of the witches of Seattle, it is the decision of this council that we formally pardon you, Bryan Peterson, for crimes committed while under the influence of any spells cast by Giles Ames.”

She didn’t shout her words or anything, but somehow her voice carried at a normal volume, flowing out from her, and I felt certain that every single coven member present heard it clearly, as though she were standing right next to them. It was a spell of some sort, no doubt.

It took a moment for the meaning of her words to really register for me. Even though I knew how she felt, I still stood there, staring at her, willing her to say something else. Maybe she could banish me from the city? Or put me under house arrest or something?

Anything would have been better than nothing.

But she cast a look around, probably to see how her words landed amongst her people, and she seemed satisfied by whatever she saw there. She turned her attention to me again, met my gaze, and added, “You were an instrument of Giles Ames, a member of our own council. He was a murderer, a traitor to our people, and an enemy to this city at large. You participated in his downfall, and for that, our coven owes you a debt it can scarcely repay.”

There were murmurs of assent from the ring of witches and warlocks gathered around us.

It set my teeth on edge. Didn’t they understand how ruthlessly and mercilessly I had killed? I didn’t deserve any kudos. Especially since I had barely done anything at all. I had merely turned myself in to the Vampire King of the City, Nathaniel Bailey, half expecting him to end my life when he realized what I had done—that I had very nearly caused an all-out war. I had merely cooperated with them. Everyone else around me had done all the heavy lifting.

Tatiana paused, her gaze still locked with mine, and allowed silence to gather for a long moment before continuing.

“Giles Ames cast no less than a dozen spells of compulsion upon you. Forbidden magic, which he gathered illegally from the coven’s archives. His enchantments robbed you of your freedom and your will. You shall be held blameless by this coven for his crimes, under penalty of death. None of us shall ever act to cause you any harm in response to his actions. And none among our people will ever harbor any desire for vengeance, nor any desire for your misfortune.”

I strongly doubted that last part.

There had to have been someone amongst the assembled witches who had known at least one of my many victims. Maybe a family member? Or a friend? Perhaps even a lover? There was surely someone present who would see me standing there, back ramrod straight, entirely unharmed, and see a monster who should be put to death for taking someone they loved away from them.

Next to Tatiana stood a short and thin warlock with a mop of shock-white hair and the same strange violet eyes as his mother. Ethan Solomon, the last member of the coven that I had attempted to kill.

He was the very reason I was even here to begin with, operating under my own power again. His blood had broken the compulsive spells that Giles—a very dark, very evil, very twisted warlock from Ethan’s own coven—had placed me under. He didn’t seem to hold any grudges, though.

He even gave me an encouraging smile. He thought I was innocent too. Just like his mother did. It didn’t hurt that his best friend, Tobias Hawthorne, was my mate.

Beside Ethan stood Poppy Hawthorne. With her slight frame, pale skin, wide eyes, and the long and unruly mane of fire-engine red hair trailing down her back, she looked less like a witch and more like a woodland sprite or a seriously pissed off pixy who had somehow misplaced her wings.

She, at least, seemed a bit more skeptical of the Witch Queen’s declaration. Because at Tatiana’s words, she cast a wary glance into the crowd gathered around us. Whatever she saw there apparently was bad enough to cause her to scowl. Her hands twitched slightly, as though she wanted to cast a spell but had stopped herself.

She traded a dark look with Wynn, the other member of the Witches’ Council, who stood facing me. Wynn was an older woman with a severe face, going gently plump with age, with her steel-gray hair pulled back into a tight bun.

But when Wynn turned away from Poppy and met my eyes, I didn’t see any fear or hatred there. Only concern.

For me?

The thought caused my throat to close up and I fought the instinct to turn and run. I might have done that anyway though, if not for the man standing beside me, holding my hand in his with such supreme gentleness that I couldn’t quite bring myself to wrench my grip away.

When I glanced over at him, Tobias Hawthorne gave me a reassuring smile and squeezed my hand. He was Poppy’s twin brother, Ethan’s best friend, and the guy who was apparently my soulmate. Allegedly. According to the Verum Amor, a spell he had cast years ago in order to reveal the face of his true love, that had shown him me. Tobias swore that the Verum Amor is never wrong.

Still, I wasn’t entirely sure I believed any of it. It seemed like incredible luck to just have him drop into my life without warning. The universe definitely wasn’t fair, but it wasn’t that unfair, was it? I didn’t deserve that kind of luck. And I didn’t want it, either.

But somehow, his reassuring smile did actually calm some of the tension I felt. I felt it unravel against my will. I wanted to be tense. I didn’t want to be comforted.

“The decision of this council is unanimous and final,” Wynn confirmed, her words echoing through the crowd just like Tatiana’s had.

Fucking witches.

“This will be over soon, I promise,” Tobias reassured me.

“I hope so,” I muttered, wanting with every fiber of my being to be away from here. Away from all of these people, who should have hated me, but who instead seemed ready to forgive me and paint me as just another one of Giles’s victims.

“Further,” Tatiana announced, her voice seeming to wrap around me and draw my gaze to hers once more. “We cannot undo the harm Giles has caused you—the harm that this coven caused you—but we can, and we will, help to heal the damage.”

I stared at her, my eyes widening as the implication of her words sunk in.

“What are you saying?” I asked, my voice going thin and reedy with my sudden fear.

“We will use our magic to remove the memories of the actions you were forced to commit under the power of Giles Ames,” Tatiana told me, her smile soft and encouraging, like she was offering me a gift. “You will return to your old life, free from the burden of what was done to you. It is the least we can do to make this right.”

Horror flooded through me at her words.

“No,” I choked out, pulling my hand from Tobias’s. I took a step back from the witches’ council. I had been wrong before. I didn’t want to be punished after all. Not if this was what they had decided upon. This was so much worse than anything else they could have come up with. My voice came out as a terrified squeak and I added, “No, you can’t do that!”

“You don’t deserve to be tormented by crimes that were never your fault,” Wynn replied. Her eyebrows furrowed in bafflement as she took in whatever expression was now frozen on my face. “They were not your actions, but his. You should not be forced to suffer for them.”

But if they made me forget… if they erased the agony of those memories…

Well, what if that’s all that was left of me in the end? What if my body remembered the harm I had caused, even if I consciously couldn’t remember it? What if my darkest instincts as a vampire had been fed by what Giles had forced me to do, and I now craved violence, deep down? What if the memory of what I had done was all that was stopping me from committing fresh evil? If I could no longer use those memories as a shield to protect everyone around me, what might I do to the people I cared about?

And… if I didn’t remember killing those people… if I didn’t feel the shame and guilt and horror of their deaths every single day, then who would? My victims deserved that much, at least, didn’t they?

“Bryan,” Tobias whispered, sounding so forlorn that it caused my heart to ache. But he didn’t say anything else. He didn’t try to push me into it. If he had, I might have hated him. But I already knew, even at that moment, I wouldn’t ever be able to bring myself to hate Tobias Hawthorne.

“No,” I said, meeting his eyes. The flicker of pain I caught there made guilt flash through me, but I couldn’t do anything about that, could I? Swallowing hard, I turned away from him and met the Witch Queen’s gaze instead. She, at least, I could reason with without it tearing my heart to ribbons. “You’ve pardoned me, correct? You’ve vowed to do me no harm?”

“Well, yes,” Tatiana started, sounding abruptly alarmed. She held both hands up. A placating gesture. “But Bryan, truly—”

“Then you will let me go,” I told her flatly. “And I will keep the memories of what I’ve done. By your own word, you can’t do anything else.”

“Goddess!” Wynn exclaimed, her hand rising to her heart. Her eyes widened in surprise as they met mine. “Why on earth would you want that?”

I wasn’t about to explain myself to any of them. I didn’t even look at her. Instead, I kept my gaze fixed on the Witch Queen.

“Yes or no?”

“Well, yes,” Tatiana replied, sounding uneasy. “Of course, but—”

“I’m leaving, then,” I replied. I didn’t even pause to see how my words landed. I didn’t stop to see the stricken look I knew would be on Tobias’s face. I didn’t want to see any of it or know any of it. I just wanted to escape.

I strode forward. The coven parted before me, still giving me a wide berth, breaking the circle to allow me to leave. The witches and warlocks all looked nervous, like I might bite.

The thought turned my stomach.

I stormed into the stronghold, entering from the back. I had been here for the past two weeks, under the watchful eyes of the witches who specialized in healing and restorative magics. Not that it mattered. I was back to full health, with no trace of compulsion left on me.

I made my way down the long halls of the place—which had once been a school—and beelined to the bedroom the coven had set aside for me, which I had mostly confined myself to for the last week and change. It was a long and narrow space, hardly more than a closet. But that was fine. I didn’t have much. A few changes of clothes. A book on necromancy I had “borrowed” from the archives when no one was looking and then promptly hidden behind the dresser. A few half-finished, half-hearted drawings I had made in the sketchbook Tobias bought for me. Whoever I had been when I had liked to draw, I wasn’t really him anymore.

I packed it all into the backpack Ethan had given to me when I had moved from the vampire king’s dungeon into the stronghold. I left the stack of novels he had also given to me, all of which were unread. Someone would give them back, surely. They were all either romance or horror anyhow. I didn’t particularly believe in happy endings, and I certainly didn’t need any more horror in my life.

“You’re just going to go, then,” Tobias said from behind me.

I turned to find him blocking the door. Or, well, not blocking the door, exactly. I still could have left if I wanted to. He stood just inside the doorway, arms crossed, watching me with an unreadable look on his face. Still, broad shouldered and just over six feet tall, he took up plenty of space. I wasn’t that much shorter than him—three or four inches, maybe—but I was leaner. And it had definitely occurred to me how nice it would feel with his strong arms wrapped around me…

“Yes,” I replied, trying to snap myself out of the extremely unhelpful thoughts and desires I seemed to have any time I was in his vicinity. I wanted to sound harsh. But I couldn’t bring myself to hurt him. I let out a breath. “Look, I like you. How could I not? You’re basically perfect. But I just—I need space. I need time. Alone .”

“I know,” he replied.

Surprise flooded through me, and it must have been written all over my face, because he gave me a hollow smile. “It makes sense that you’d leave. Why would you stay here?”

“Right,” I agreed. A lump rose in my throat. “You’re not going to try to stop me?”

“I want to,” he admitted, his smile turning a little sadder. “But I understand. You went through something I will never be able to wrap my head around. I’d prefer it if you’d let me help you, but I’m not going to force you into anything you don’t want. You’ve had more than enough of that for one lifetime, and I swear that I won’t ever do something like that to you.”

He paused, letting out a long breath. Putting on a brave face. His smile even seemed a little more genuine now. “So, yeah. If you need some space to work through all of this, I can give you that. No problem.”

Of course he would say that. I didn’t know Tobias very well yet, but I had already gathered that he always put everyone else’s needs ahead of his own.

“Stop it!” I hissed, apparently not completely incapable of being angry with him, after all. “Stop being so fucking perfect. You don’t have to pretend! Not for my benefit. It’s okay if this is pissing you off. Or hurting or whatever. It’s okay for you to feel whatever you’re feeling.”

Did I want that? Did I want him to be upset?

No, of course not. But I didn’t want him to sit there and slap on a happy face and heave all of his emotions into the backseat, either.

“This isn’t pissing me off,” Tobias replied.

“What about what you want?”

“I’ve waited ten years for you. I can wait a little longer if I know that’s what you need from me.”

“We haven’t even kissed. We don’t know if there’s even anything here to wait for.”

“No,” Tobias told me, meeting my gaze and holding it. His eyes were so deep and blue, like the ocean. Like I could drown in them. “When I’m standing next to you, I feel peaceful. Like all the tension just kind of flows out of me, you know? It’s this sort of bone-deep knowing that everything is going to be okay, so long as you’re okay. Are you saying you really don’t feel anything like that at all?”

“No,” I lied. I don’t think either of us believed me.

He was only a year older than me, but somehow, he seemed to have a stability to him—a groundedness—that I had never once possessed and wasn’t sure if I ever would, even if I lived a century or longer. But that probably wasn’t age or whatever. It was probably just him.

“It’s okay if you don’t feel that yet. But I do. I know—every part of me knows—that you’re my mate. I’m willing to wait as long as I need to.”

“Right. What if that never happens?”

“If I know you’re safe and well, that’s all that should matter to me,” Tobias replied. But I caught the way his expression wobbled for just an instant, the mask slipping and revealing the flash of real fear in his eyes at my words. Maybe he wasn’t completely grounded and rock solid, after all.

That flash of fear was like a knife made of ice in my gut. I hated it. I hated that I was causing him any pain at all.

But leaving was the right thing to do.

If I stayed, I might give in. After all, I half wanted to even now. If I stayed, I might let the witches erase my memories, because the prospect of living without this crushing darkness was far too tantalizing. I might return to my old life. I could do my last year of college. I could hang out with friends. I could go to frat parties again. Play video games. Stay up all night studying for exams at the very last minute. Go to family night every Sunday with my folks and my older sister, Sarah.

I had only been turned three years ago, back when I was twenty-one. My parents had no idea, but Sarah knew what I was. I had told her, back when I had thought I could tell her anything. And once she’d gotten over her initial alarm, she had accepted me anyway. But I hadn’t spoken with any of them in months. Not since Giles had first enchanted me into killing for him—apart, of course, from a very, very brief phone conversation with them after Ethan’s blood had broken those spells. I had told them I wasn’t dead or missing. From their perspective, I had just vanished without warning and without explanation. They had been understandably outraged. My sister had called me incessantly afterward, demanding an explanation I couldn’t— wouldn’t —give her. But I knew they would all forgive me eventually, if I could have forced myself to explain why I had gone missing. They would have let me off the hook too, no doubt.

And maybe my new life, without the burden of knowing what I had done, could even have involved going on dates with Tobias, like I was a regular person, someone who deserved a bit of ordinary happiness as much as the next guy.

But I wasn’t. Not anymore.

Eventually, the darkness inside of me would reach out and mess everything up. Sooner or later, I would slip up and hurt someone I cared about. Something else would happen to prove to me that I deserved nothing more than an eternity of pain.

If Tobias was standing too close to me, he could get hurt too.

“Look, I’m not completely immune to you or anything. I said it before: I like you. A lot,” I told him, knowing I needed to leave, but still feeling unwilling to hurt him on the way out any more than I absolutely had to. “Way more than I should. And maybe someday, we can see if there is something. But until then, I don’t want you putting your life on hold for me.”

Tobias snorted at that. “Right, like I’m chomping at the bit to date around.” But then he paused. “Where will you go?”

“I’m going to spend some time with my maker in Las Vegas. She’ll let me crash at her place until I can figure out what I’m doing next. I’ll be okay, I promise.”

He nodded, seeming satisfied by my response. “And this is what you need?”

“Yeah. It is. I can’t be here anymore.” I laughed, but it wasn’t a humorous sound. “I’m scared to even leave this room, if I’m being honest. I grew up in this city—and everywhere I look, it’s all just going to be memories of who I used to be, before all of this. And I can’t see any of that right now. It’s just too awful.”

His expression went softer as he studied me. “That makes sense.”

Something in my chest twisted at the wrongness of leaving him behind. Part of me wanted to ask him to come with me. But that would have been insane. Not to mention unbelievably selfish, to ask him to give up his whole life. And it would’ve been dumb, too, because it would have defeated the whole purpose of keeping him safe from what I might eventually do to him the moment my guard slipped.

After all, I had already hurt far too many witches and warlocks, hadn’t I?

No, he was better off without me.

I slipped past him and stepped into the hall.

“If you ever need anything, you can call me,” he said. “It doesn’t matter how much time has passed. I will always be here for you. I swear it.”

I glanced back at him to find that he wasn’t looking at me at all anymore. His gaze was locked onto the far wall of my bedroom, staring straight ahead with his jaw tight. He blinked rapidly, his breath hitching. But he still wore that fucking mask, concealing how he really felt. Making this easier for me.

I hated it.

“Yeah,” I told him thickly, wanting to curl into his arms and fighting the urge to go to him. “I know that.”

Then I used every bit of my speed to put as much distance between myself and Tobias Hawthorne as I possibly could. I didn’t want to linger one moment longer. I was scared that, if I did, I might change my mind.