Protecting the Boundary (LA Wolves #8)

Chapter 39

THIRTY-NINE

She doesn’t say anything right away, but she sucks in a sharp breath at my words.

I barrel on.

“I know I haven’t done enough to prove to you what you mean to me, but I promise that I’m working on it.And I see a future with you, Meredith.”

Maybe it makes me a coward to be having this conversation with her in the car, where she can’t escape and I don’t have to look at her the whole time.

The darkness helps ease some of my fears about opening up.

“I’m sorry I was distant,” she says.“After I talked to you about us being only in the guesthouse, I realized I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“No, I want you to be able to bring these things up. You should be comfortable telling me what you want.I don’t want you to feel like you can’t express an emotion or ask me a question.”

She twists her body in the seat to face me better.“I get it, Romel.I get it probably better than you think I do.”

I let out a frustrated sigh. “You shouldn’t have to get it ,” I tell her. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to understand my baggage.I want to be able to let you in—all the way in. Yeah, maybe it’s only been a few weeks, but I see a whole future with you, Meredith.And I want that future.I want to wake up with you in the mornings, not sneaking out to see you.I want you right there next to me.I want you in my arms.I want us to make breakfast together and go on adventures with Kaylee.I want those things.”

I glance over at her to see her nibbling her lip, her eyes uncertain.

“But?” she asks.

I hate that she asks, but I hate even more in this moment that it’s there anyway.

That there is still the “ but ” lingering between us.

The but can I let go?

I want her, but will I let myself have her?

Will I open myself up to that kind of hurt?I didn’t think I would survive losing Sydney.What would it do to me if I lost Meredith?

I don’t ever want to find out, and yet I know I am sitting on the precipice of potentially losing her anyway if I can’t pull my head out of my ass and figure this out.

I can feel the weight of her stare as she waits for me to answer.

“I don’t know, Meredith,” I say. “I’m sorry.I wish I could say with 100 percent certainty that we’ll be able to have everything I want.But there is one thing I’m certain of. And it’s thatI’m trying, and I’m going to keep trying because you have brought me back to life.You have made me feel things I never even dreamed I could feel again.You’ve made me breathe for the first time in nearly four years.I feel like I can finally take a full breath without the weight of grief sitting on my chest.Every day that I see you, my world feels a little bit brighter.And I know that doesn’t answer your question or ease your worries and your fears.But I hope it’s enough for now to know I am going to try my damnedest to be the man you need and the man you deserve.”

I pull up to the house and put the car in park.I don’t wait for her to say anything as I get out and walk around to her side of the car and open her door. Extending my hand, I wait for her to take it, hoping she will.

She slides her smooth hand into mine, her dark gaze staring up at me.And in those beautiful brown eyes, I see all the hopes, fears, and desires I feel reflected back at me.

Without a word, I guide her into the house.But instead of heading toward the patio doors and out to the guesthouse like we normally do, I head for the stairs.

She pulls on my hand as we reach the bottom step.“Where are you going?”

“We’re not going to the guesthouse.We’re going upstairs to my room.” I tighten my grip on her hand. “Are you coming?”