Chapter 47
FORTY-SEVEN
Pulling up to her dad’s house, only one thought keeps repeating itself. I hope I’m not too late.
I’ve had a lot of tough conversations over the last week, and faced a lot of self-reflection. I’m not proud that it took Meredith leaving for me to finally face how I’d let my grief skew my perspective about loving again in the future.
It was ultimately Sydney herself who set me free.
The day after Meredith left, I spent the day locked in my room, finally emptying out Sydney’s closet. Each item of clothing I put into a box felt like a stab in my gut. Some brought back memories of parties we went to, dresses she wore on nights out, her favorite pair of jeans that had a doodle of a flower she did during a lecture once when she was bored.
I was a mess, but I kept going instead of continuing to put it off like I had been since she died. It was when I got to her accessory drawer that I found a letter with my name on it.
I sat on the floor, my back to the rest of the drawers, and stared at my name in her handwriting. It had been so long since I’d seen her delicate scrawl, but it brought back so many memories. She used to write me little notes before all my games in college.
Why hadn’t she told me this was here waiting for me? How long would it have stayed there if I hadn’t met Meredith and felt the need to finally put Sydney to rest?
With shaking hands, I slid my thumb under the sealed envelope and then pulled out the cream paper. The words blurred together several times as I read her note—and then read it again. It took a third readthrough before they penetrated the thick fog of my grief.
And all at once, the full weight of what I’d lost with Meredith hit me full force.
I spent the rest of the week making a plan, talking to my friends, and scheduling my first appointment with a therapist—because if I’m going to be my best self for Meredith, I need to do the work.
Now I’m here at Meredith’s dad’s house to put my plan into action.
I walk down the path to his front door and knock, my nerves a mess because I have no idea how this is going to go, and I’m not a guy who likes conflict.
The door swings open and Rob stands there, his full body blocking the door and his face in a scowl. I deserve that.
“Is Meredith here?”
“No.”
Well, shit.
“Do you know when she’ll be back?”
“Not for a while.”
“Listen, I know you have no reason to like me after I broke her heart, but I’m here to fight for her. I messed up. I know I did, but I’m here to make it right.”
His eyes narrow, but at least he hasn’t shut the door in my face. We stare at each other for longer than feels comfortable, but I’m not leaving until I have no other choice. I know her dad means the world to her. If I can get him to give me another shot, then it means I have a chance with Meredith.
His jaw wiggles back and forth like he’s chewing on words he wants to say, but instead of saying anything, he steps back and gestures with a sweep of his hand for me to come inside. I don’t hesitate.
The living room is just like it was the night I was here with Meredith, and I take a seat on the couch while he sits in his lounge chair across from me. The TV is on ESPN, but it’s muted.
On the mantel above the fireplace on the opposite side of the room are several framed pictures, most of Rob and Meredith at various stages of her life, but there are also a few with a woman who has similar features as Meredith, except with brown hair.
“She was the most beautiful woman I’d ever laid eyes on,” Rob says, pulling my attention back to him. When I glance over, he’s staring at the mantel too. When he looks at me again, his gaze is curious. “I was never able to feel that way about anyone else. Not even close. I tried dating when Meredith was in junior high and she started going to sleepovers with her friends. I gave up pretty quickly. It’s rough out there.”
“I wouldn’t know. I never even looked at another woman until Meredith came into my life.” It’s true. No one ever caught even the slightest bit of my attention until Meredith.
His expression gets thoughtful. “What is it about Meredith that made you pay attention?”
I’ve thought a lot about this over the past week. “It was the way she loved my daughter. She didn’t just watch Kaylee and then check out when I was home. She was actively engaged with her and worried about her at all times. She cared about her well-being in a way that went above what I expected from someone who was doing it as a job.” A smile—the first one I’ve had all week—lifts the corner of my lips. “She also wasn’t afraid to call me out. I wasn’t used to that. Most people in my life have been pretty delicate with me since Sydney died. Meredith wasn’t.”
Rob smiles to himself. “She’s always been like that. I’ll never forget when she was four years old, she came up to me and said, ‘Daddy, you need to smile more.’ I hadn’t even realized I didn’t smile that often, but she’d noticed and didn’t hesitate to call me out. I figured that was just the brutal truth of kids, but she didn’t really grow out of it.” His smile drops. “Except for in the last year of college. She was different then. Withdrawn in a way I’ve never seen her.” His brown gaze pierces me. “Until she started working for you. Your daughter brought the light back into her eyes, and then you brought the fire back to her spirit.”
We both grow somber as the unsaid truth settles between us. I may have done that, but then I also hurt her because I couldn’t give her what she needed when she needed it. It’s a mistake I hope she’ll let me fix and one I don’t plan to make ever again.
“Do you love her?” he asks me.
“You aren’t exactly the person who should be hearing this first, but I suspect you won’t let me stay long unless you know the truth. So, yes, I love her, but I’ve done a poor job of showing it—of even figuring it out. But I do love her, more than I thought I was capable of ever loving anyone.”
“Again?” he asks, tacking on a word I might have added if someone had asked me this a month ago.
But something I’ve thought a lot about this week is how Meredith kept trying to make me understand I could love them both—equally but different. I didn’t understand what she meant until this week.
“No. I loved Sydney, but not the same way I love Meredith. I always thought love was like a well full of water, but only enough for one person. I didn’t realize that well can be refilled. Maybe it’s not the same spring of water, but it’s still water, and it can still sustain you and keep you alive. It’s different, but not less than. I love Meredith. Full stop. Not more or less than Sydney, but differently. I’m not the same man I was when Sydney was alive. I’m the new version of me that was born because of her loss. And this version of me loves Meredith with everything I’ve got in me.”
I hope he understands what I’m explaining because I need his support if I’m going to get a chance to tell Meredith all of this.
He takes a deep breath and then gets up and walks over to a small hutch in the corner. He pulls out a pen and paper and writes something down, then comes over and hands me the piece of paper with an address on it.
“Meredith is in Boston for a grad school interview. She’ll be there for two more days. If you want another chance, don’t wait. You and I both know life is too short to sit on the sidelines and not act.”
I take the paper, stand, and shake his hand. “Thank you, Rob.”
“Don’t break her heart again, Romel.”
“Never again,” I promise. It’s one I intend to keep until my very last breath.
And then I rush out the door, my phone to my ear as I call Larissa. I need her to watch Kaylee because I have a flight to catch to Boston.