Chapter 18
CHAPTER
EIGHTEEN
Chester was too old to be sneaking out of hotel rooms at midnight two nights in a row and then getting up at six in the morning for a swim. When his alarm had gone off, he’d thought about ignoring it. He hadn’t because that wasn’t the kind of person he was. He liked his Wednesday morning swim and catch up with Preston, and at that time of the morning, the pool wasn’t busy. Preston was already doing his laps when Chester slid into the water, taking more than a moment to get used to the cold.
Preston was one of the few people who knew too much about him. He could add Garrett to that list. He shouldn’t be adding people to that list, because the more people who knew, the more likely it would be the wrong person found out. “People like him” weren’t meant to crawl out of their hovel. They were meant to stay there and prove that poor people remain stuck there because they were bad people or bad with money… or whatever excuse those with generational wealth like to make.
He wasn’t rich, not like some of the people who attended his charity dinners. Nicely comfortable would be a more accurate term, and as long as things kept rolling along, he’d be fine. He’d started a nest egg, and eventually he’d sell one of the businesses…
Which then made him think of Garrett.
As much as he liked time with his thoughts while he did laps, he did not want to spend the morning thinking of the hard curves of muscle, the rounded ass and desperate moans Garrett made even with his mouth full of dick. That was harder than it should’ve been because Garrett invaded a lot of his thoughts, as well as his evenings.
And he didn’t resent it… No, he thoroughly enjoyed the time they’d spent together.
There was no pressure or expectations, and no planning for the future, except for the damn getaway. He wasn’t sure how that had happened, and yet, it was a thing. Not that Garrett had mentioned it again. Maybe it wouldn’t happen.
The thought of not going on the trip was worse than the idea of committing to a sex-filled weekend with a closeted football player.
What the fuck was he doing?
He didn’t want to go back into the closet for anyone.
At the moment, however, it was a nice change having the relationship just for themselves. That’s why there was no pressure. Or, at least, there hadn’t been until he let his heart believe there might be a chance when Garrett came out.
Because it was when, not if.
And when he did, Chester didn’t want to think of Garrett being with anyone else.
Because he was selfish. That was why he liked the whole secrecy thing. He didn’t have to share, not with his friends, not with Garrett’s friends. No one knew.
Which also meant when it fell apart, he’d be licking his wounds alone.
As he swam, his thoughts turned to what it might be like if everything worked out. If Garrett stayed with the Troopers, they could keep seeing each other. If Garrett was out, they could move in together. And if they took that trip… and then… and then they ended up married or something.
He couldn’t imagine that far ahead.
He’d been nine when his mother had sent divorce papers to his father along with a birthday card for him. His father had signed them, and Chester had ridden his bike to the post office to send them. He had written his own letter to his mother and added it to the envelope, asking why she didn’t love them. Why she’d left him…
She never answered, and the cards stopped coming.
She wanted the divorce so she could remarry and have a new family. A better one. One that didn’t involve rusted cars, moonshine, and counting every dime. He was more like her than she’d ever realized.
Both of them craved a bigger life, knowing there was more out there, and wanting to taste it all. Yet there he was, stuck in Austin, chained to work.
Unable to take a mini-vacation because he didn’t trust someone with his business for even a few days. It was a problem he needed to solve sooner rather than later.
Preston waited for him at the end of the lane, leaning on the side of the pool. “What’s up with you?”
Chester flicked back his hair. “Nothing.”
“Liar. You only swim like you’re possessed when something or someone is eating you.”
He’d met Dr. Preston Green through a friend when he decided to have his teeth straightened. That had been eighteen months of hell, but it had been worth it. He should’ve had braces as a child. Over those eighteen months of Preston torturing him, they had become friends, even though they came from vastly different backgrounds. Preston had been one of his early steps into the right circles while running his first bar.
Chester stared at the water, trying to slow his breathing. He had been pushing himself, trying to drown out the thoughts, and the doubts, and the hopes and the fears, and everything else that came with a relationship. Because that’s what it was, even if he couldn’t name what kind of relationship he had with Garrett.
“Both.” His lip curved, remembering both Monday and Tuesday night. “I’m not sure what I’m doing or why.”
“Because you want to be fucked.” Preston was always blunt, but Chester appreciated the truth.
“That’s really not hard to achieve.” He sighed and leaned against the wall of the pool. I was okay on my own. I enjoyed the space and time to myself. I wasn’t even looking. And then Bang. He walks in all dimples and smiles and disrupts everything, and he’s not even my type. He’s the opposite of everything I want.”
He felt Preston’s gaze on him. “Was Michael what you wanted or what looked good on your resume?”
“Ouch. Is that what you thought of him? Why didn’t you say something before he moved in?”
“Because you liked him, and you both seemed happy.”
Chester nodded. “I liked him. He was nice and stable and…” He’d been a career-driven, up-and-coming engineer who fit into his workaholic lifestyle. “He was good for me.”
“So is fiber and flossing.”
Chester nodded. The relationship had been routine; a place of calm in the chaos that had been the early days of setting up and running Bathtubs.
“The fact that you’re agreeing tells you everything you need to know about that relationship.”
“He was perfect on paper.” And they had both made huge advancements in their career because of that stability.
“But not exciting. He didn’t make your heart jump when you saw him?”
Chester splashed at Preston. “No. But I thought I loved him.”
Looking back at the last year they were together, they had both been seeking a way to break up without hurting the other person. Which at least meant they both cared.
“And this time?” Preston asked.
“He’s so wrong for me my heart might be beating faster out of fear. Unfortunately, my dick doesn’t know any better.” Nor did his ass.
“Are you afraid of him?”
Chester glanced at Preston. “No. He’s not a biker or a criminal. He’s just younger, less experienced, with a job that requires a lot of travel.”
That was about all he could say without outing Garrett.
Preston hopped out of the pool to sit on the side, leaning back on his elbows to soak in the cooler morning sun. “So you’re worried he’s going to leave you the same way Michael did.”
“I’m not.” Maybe a little. “I’m more worried that when he’s done with his gay training wheels, he’ll leave me and find someone… better… more comfortable with what he does.”
“Now I’m really curious. Is he a spy? Contract killer? Stripper?”
Chester stared at his supposed friend. “Do I look like I’d date any of them?”
“Well, you said he’s not your type.”
“True.”
“Is he an actor? Oh my God, he’s someone famous. He’s got a bigger ego than you. Which gay celebrities are in the city at the moment? Musician or actor? Give me a clue?”
Chester pressed his lips together, but he needed someone to tell him this was all mistake and that he needed to run before it was too late. “He’s not out.”
Preston grinned at him. “Did I hear that correctly?”
“Yes. He’s negotiating coming out.” He made air quotes. “It has to be managed.”
In his mind, those words were spoken in Caitlin’s voice. He’d spent far too much time around football players and their PR machine to think any differently. When had that become his life?
When you made the deal and started using them for your own leverage. In exchange, they used him. And everyone was happy.
Is that what was happening with Garrett?
Were they using each other?
Did it matter if they were?
It did to him. He didn’t want to be used, or be the user, though he couldn’t deny that he was having fun exploring things he hadn’t done since before Michael. Then there was the way Garrett looked at him, and the way his own heart responded. He fiddled with his lip ring, his teeth flicking over the ball.
“I’m sorry to hear that, because from the look on your face, he’s what you want, not what you think you should have.”
“That’s the conclusion I was reaching. I was hoping you’d tell me I was wrong.” Because he didn’t want to be a part of the coming out drama, even though he was enjoying sneaking around. No, not sneaking around, the keeping it to themselves. It was theirs, and it was special, and when they were together, nothing else mattered. There was no one else to please.
They both spent the rest of their days pleasing other people: Garrett trying to gain the approval of his coaches and team mates, and him making sure people enjoyed coming to his establishments.
He should’ve been a dentist, then people would be terrified to see him.
“That’s usually how it feels when you find the right person.”
“It feels so right it’s got to be wrong?” That made no sense at all.
“More that you didn’t see it coming, and that you were in a good place. Maybe it’s easier to fall in love when you don’t want it or need it.” Preston grabbed his towel. “As much as I’d like to stay here all day and dissect your problem, some of us actually have to open the office and see patients at nine.”
“Excuse me, I have to go to work.” Chester hoisted himself out of the pool.
“Please, you don’t open for lunch on Wednesdays.” Preston wrapped his towel around himself.
“No, but there is a team-building gin-making class coming in at two, a repairman coming to fix a toilet, I need to order in some more stock, and I have to discuss the seasonal menu changes with the chef.”
“And all I have is a couple of tooth extractions and some fillings. Some days, I wonder why I became a dentist.”
“The money?” Chester deadpanned. It was a more stable job than running a bar or a restaurant.
“Because my father said he’d pay for college so I could take over the business.”
That should’ve been him taking over the family business. The third generation of moonshiners. He couldn’t imagine working alongside his father, living in that a glorified shed. Perhaps if his father had run a reputable business, things would’ve been different.
“So, what do I do about him?”
Preston stared at him as though the solution were obvious. “You keep doing him?”
“That’s not a solution.” That was a wait-and-see what happens. And that wasn’t a plan. He liked a plan because then he knew where he was going. Which is exactly what he’d thought with Michael. Michael had slotted into his plan. And then he had torn a hole in it by exiting the relationship using moving to another state as an excuse.
Preston swept his hair back, flicking water everywhere. “If you’re both having fun, what does it matter?”
Because it would stop being fun at some point. Someone would get hurt.
Michael leaving had hurt, but it hadn’t ripped out his heart and put it on public display.
“Or you find someone nice and sensible who will bore you to death,” Preston finished.
“Or I could be single.” He didn’t need someone to be happy, and it had taken him thirty years to realize that.
“So, if you’re happy being single, why are you worried about it ending?”
Chester didn’t have an answer for that because it shouldn’t matter.
Preston put a hand on Chester’s shoulder. “Have you tried telling him how you feel and that you have massive abandonment issues?”
He glared at Preston, then turned and walked towards the locker rooms. “I do not.”
“Please… Would you like me to list the reasons?”
“No… I’m pretty sure my therapist covered that when we talked about my mother leaving.” And he’d told her much the same thing. It didn’t bother him. She’d done what she needed to, but there was a part of him which always wondered why she hadn’t taken him. Why she had left him to crawl out on his own, even though logically he understood.
“So you’ve fallen for the closeted guy who travels for work, and is some kind of celebrity. You know this ends only one of three ways, right?”
“And what are they?” He was struggling to see past the end, even though he wanted more, because he didn’t know what more looked like.
“You’ll either make it work and be a ridiculously happy power couple, which is what you secretly want, because you’d love someone who is as dedicated to their career as you, or he will destroy you.”
“What’s the third option? Because I already knew those two.”
“You destroy it.” Preston turned on the shower.
“Why would I do that?” Even though walking away was a smart thing to do, he wasn’t going to do that. He was having too much fun.
“So you don’t get hurt.”
If Garrett hurt him, it would be by accident. He didn’t seem like the kind of guy who was going to play around, nor was he going to put his job on the line. And that was the problem. Garrett was never going to put his job on the line. Football would always come first while he was playing, and he’d told Chester that without making excuses for it.
For it to work, Chester needed to be okay with that. Really be okay with that, not just laugh and nod and claim he was also busy with work. His job didn’t involve set up paparazzi shots. His job didn’t involve media interviews. His job didn’t involve commentators, picking apart his game and his life.
If he was with Garrett, that is what he was opening himself up to. It would mean the media digging around to find out who he was. For a moment, he couldn’t breathe, and his skin became clammy. “So you think I should end it now before?—”
“No, that isn’t what I said. Put it this way, what’s going to hurt worse, him breaking your heart, or you spending the rest of your life wondering if he was the one?”
Chester forced a laugh. “I don’t believe in the one.”
“Maybe not, but you want someone to be yours. And while he’s in the closet, you control the doors.”
“I hate you.”
Preston smiled. “I know. You’ve told me so many times before, but I’m here for you if you need to talk.”
“Yes… and I know you won’t tell anyone else.”
“And when you are ready to show him off in public: dinner at my house. I’ll invite everyone.”
Chester rolled his eyes. “He’s really not that big of a deal.”
Though he could already name at least three friends who would ask how many other gay players were on the team because they also wanted into a pair of those tight gold pants.