Psycho (The Line Walkers #2)

19. Chapter 19 – Olivia

Chapter 19 – Olivia

“ W hat is this thing again?” Peyton asked from the floor of the nursery in my apartment. Even though I still referred to it as mine, it was Maddox’s, too. He only went to his to work, as he said he wouldn’t bring that darkness into the space our baby would live in.

Whatever that meant.

I just hoped he wouldn’t be delivering anymore body parts to my door, and instead, he’d keep them in his own fridge.

“Uh,” I blinked away the image of brains on a platter in his fridge, like some gross Jello mold jiggling and wiggling around when he opened and closed the door to grab a beer or something. “Nose sucker. For when the baby has boogers.”

P’s eyes rounded as she swung the straw looking thing around and then cringed. “Yummy.”

She was surrounded by the massive bags full of baby stuff Maddox insisted we buy a few weeks ago that I hadn’t brought myself to put away yet. Perhaps, in a way, my lack of ambition to put it all away was because part of me was still in disbelief that I’d be raising a baby in Maddox’s fancy home with him standing by me, supporting me every step of the way. Or maybe it was the fact that I was thirty-one weeks pregnant and feeling like a whole ass whale.

More than likely, it was that.

I was still waiting for the deep-seated doubt to just kick rocks and stay away for good, but it still hadn’t. Never mind the fact that Maddox had been working around the clock to find the last names on the list and finish it.

All of my alone time had been giving me time to think. And when I sat around in solitary confinement, with just my raging hormone induced brain to keep me company, anxiety and paranoia loved to join in on the fun.

The other day I had been walking by the window in the living room, and I swore I saw someone walking across a rooftop across the street from us. But it wasn’t like a construction worker or something; the figure that made me stop dead in my tracks was dressed in full black military gear.

The dark figure disappeared before I could even release the scream trapped in my throat, almost as if it hadn’t been there at all. I stood in that fucking window all damn day long, waiting, watching intently, almost hoping to see it again just to prove to myself that my brain wasn’t going soggy with a lack of stimulation. But it never reappeared.

And now I don’t open those blinds.

“So,” Peyton called my attention back to her from her spot on the floor as I kept rocking in the beautiful new rocking chair that had appeared yesterday morning. “Which set am I putting in the dresser and which set am I putting in the storage tote for the next baby?” She held up two identical onesies in contrasting colors.

One pink.

One blue.

I sighed, looking over at the envelope tacked into the corkboard on the wall with my baby’s gender identified inside. “Maybe we should skip doing the clothes for now.”

She laid them down on her lap and tilted her head at me, “You know, I could peek if you don’t want to. Then I could always just put away what needed to be, and you could just not open the drawers until you want to know.”

I rolled my eyes and ran my hands over my enormous belly, knowing Peyton would literally knock me over to get to it if I told her she could look in that damn envelope. She was chomping at the bit to find out what her first niece or nephew would be.

“I don’t think I want to know.” I shrugged.

“But why, though?” She watched me intently and challenged me when I simply shrugged again in response. “I think I know why you don’t want to know yet, but you won’t like it if I’m right.”

I knew why I didn’t want to look, but I knew she didn’t. Even if she thought she did.

The reason I didn’t want to look burned my gut with guilt and shame every time I even dared to think it. I was afraid if our baby was a little boy, that I wouldn’t love him because he’d remind me of Damon. I was terrified of feeling grief upon meeting my first baby, so I refused to dwell on it, even if she asked me in some way every time she came over. Which was almost every day, since I still could not leave. I didn’t think it was possible, but somehow Maddox had gotten even more serious about me staying in the building than he was when he first moved me in.

“Then keep it to yourself.” I replied firmly and stood up from the chair, not wanting to dwell on it anymore. “I have to pee.”

“Someday you’re going to have to stop using that sweet baby pushing on your bladder as an excuse to avoid uncomfortable topics.” She deadpanned and then smirked when I glared at her.

“Then I’ll be able to use the fact that it used my bladder as a trampoline for nine months and I will still have to pee every five minutes as an excuse for the rest of my life.” I called over my shoulder as I left the room.

I didn’t have to pee.

But she didn’t need to know that.

H ands covered my throat, cutting off my air as I swiped my hands out, desperate to break their hold. It was dark, and I couldn’t see who was on top of me, but the softness of the mattress beneath me gave little in the way of leverage for me to fight back from. “No!” I screamed, but it came out with the last hiss of breath before fire erupted in my lungs.

Right as the pressure built to where I was sure my chest would explode from it, light broke through the darkness and I sat up straight, swinging out against the figure in my face as it disappeared with the shadows.

A dream.

It was a dream.

With a strangled gasp, I raked my nails across my skin, battling the phantoms in my mind and desperately trying to control my ragged breathing as my eyes darted around my dark bedroom, searching for a sense of stability. Glancing at the clock, it was half-past two in the morning, and the other side of my bed was cold and empty where Maddox should have been.

Where he was missing from when I finally fell asleep a few hours ago. His nights were getting later, and I missed his presence more and more on these nights when I fell asleep alone.

“Madd.” I called out as I swung my legs over the tall bed and slid to the floor. I’d never sleep on a bed that wasn’t as tall as his beds ever again, because there was something really fucking joyous about sliding out of bed with gravity’s help rather than climbing from it under the weight of the world and a watermelon on your chest.

I wrapped my bathrobe around my naked body and peeked in the bathroom on my way out to the hallway, finding both empty. A glow from the bedroom down the hall beckoned me as I tiptoed across the plush carpet. Peeking in through the open doorway, I took a deep breath when I spotted the man of my dreams sitting in the middle of the serene room, tightening a screw into the side of the crib as he built it.

He wore only a pair of red plaid pajama pants, and his hair was damp from a shower he must have taken in his old apartment before he came in. Which meant he had killed someone tonight.

The darkness of it surrounded his aura like a black cloud of danger, and it kept him from settling and coming to me like he should have.

His tattooed skin rippled as he reached across the sage green area rug for another part and worked on tightening it into place. I watched him, leaning against the doorframe, carefully assembling the crib, each movement precise and deliberate, yet his shoulders slumped with the weight of his unspoken burdens.

Piece by piece, he put it together and when it was whole; he sat back on his feet and stared at it like it held answers to something he sought after.

“Maddox.” I whispered, and he didn’t react, but I knew he heard me. Walking in, I cautiously ran my hand over his tense shoulder, up his neck to the hair at his nape. He leaned into my touch and took a deep breath as I gently stroked his scalp, just how he liked as we both stared at the crib. “It’s beautiful.”

When he spoke, his voice was hoarse, “It’s hard to imagine it being worthy of holding such a precious being.” Even though I knew he’d have to help me up, I lowered myself to my knees behind him and wrapped my arms around his torso, clinging to him while I pretended to offer him support. I kissed his shoulder, and we both basked in the silence again until he broke it, “I killed an innocent person tonight.”

A searing pain shot through my nose, tears blurring my vision before his words even registered, his voice thick with such sorrow it felt like a physical wound. I tried to level out my voice as I fought to speak, “Was it an accident?” I whispered, and after a long pause, he simply shook his head no. It felt like my heart would break for him and whatever had happened to him while he worked to protect me. “What happened?”

“I lost control.” He admitted in a pained voice as he kept looking at the crib as I held onto him from behind. “And I’ve never cared before. But tonight, I did something heinous simply because I’m a monster and could do it. And I can’t shake it.”

“Shh.” I squeezed him tighter as the tears pooled between my lashes for him and his soul. “It’s okay.”

“What if our baby was here?” He vibrated in my hold, but I wouldn’t let him go. “What if I did what I did tonight, and then came home and came in here and—” His voice broke, and he dropped his chin to his chest. “How am I supposed to look that innocent little baby in the eyes knowing what kind of man I am?”

I crawled around his body in a rush and forced his head up to look at me as the tears in my eyes broke free and ran down my cheeks. “You are going to look our baby in the eyes knowing you’re the only man in their life that will ever do everything you can to protect them.” I urged, clawing at his face when he tried to shake me off in his own grief. “You look our baby in the eyes knowing you’re the only man that will ever love them the way they deserve, Maddox. The rest does not matter, because they will feel your love. Regardless of anything you’ve done to get us there, they will know that. Just like I know that.”

He shuddered and his face screwed up in agony as he pulled me into his arms and clung to me. “I’ve never cared before.” He muttered angrily. “I’ve never cared about life and death and who meets their maker or when. But now I do and I fucking hate it.”

“Shh,” I tried soothing him with my touch and voice, even as my mind spun with the endless possibilities of things that could have derailed his peace so heavily. “Tell me what happened.”

He took a deep breath and loosened his hold around my body to pull back and look at me, “Not in here.”

“Let’s go then,” I backed up from him and got to my knees as he stood up and helped me to my feet. Even at his deepest peril, he still saw to my needs. He wasn’t human. He was heaven sent, even if he did evil things.

Instead of leading him into our bedroom, I turned down the hall toward the living space and turned on the soft ambient lights as we sat down together on the couch. He pulled me onto his lap and buried his face in my chest, so I covered our bodies with my favorite comfort blanket, like it could help shake the bad things from his skin and let me comfort him in their wake. He kept his lips pressed against my neck as he spoke, and I held him through it.

“We found Simon Miles tonight.” He hesitated briefly, but kept going, telling me about the last name on the list besides Damon’s and his money man. Simon was the last piece to eliminate before Maddox got to the men who orchestrated my entire kidnapping.

“What happened?” I asked cautiously.

“I needed answers from him. Answers about who Damon was getting the funds from now that the Velvet Cage wasn’t operating the way it used to.” Maddox leaned back finally and rested his head on the couch cushion behind him, but kept me held tight. He wouldn’t look me in the eye, but he was talking at least, so I didn’t take it personally. “But Simon knew he was dead, either way. The only mercy I offered him was the method I used to kill him, based on his cooperation.”

“What did he do?”

“Refused to give me any information. We tortured him for hours, nevertheless, he held firm.” His eyes got a faraway look in them as he stared at the ceiling, and I knew he was remembering whatever he did. “I thought we hit a brick wall. Until his girlfriend showed up.”

My stomach rolled, putting together the pieces in my head. “And you found the tool needed to get him to talk.”

He nodded solemnly. “I didn’t even think twice before using her, neither did Dane. We needed the information, and he was our last link to the Velvet Cage.” He blinked away the memories and finally looked over at me. “But when we were done, and they were both dead, I saw your face on her body for a second. And I think it put into perspective just how much danger you’re in by being with me. Someone could use you to get what they want from me.”

As I ran my palm over his cheek and tried to soothe some of the pain in his black eyes, I told him, “Baby, my days had been numbered long before I ever met you.”

“You don’t get it though, Storm, I wouldn’t survive losing you or this baby.” He shook his head, and I felt sincerity in his words. They weren’t pretty words of affirmation or empty promises, they were raw and honest, laced in harshness.

Nodding, I reassured him. “I know you wouldn’t, Maddox. Without me, you’d burn the world to the ground before giving in to the devil himself, I know.”

“You’re changing me, Storm.”

“You’re changing me, Psycho.” I tried to smile, but it was more of a grimace. “Tomorrow we can both revel in that change, because I don’t regret how loving you is softening me, just like it is you, Maddox. But I know that right now, that softness is making you second guess your true nature. So tonight, we’ll just hold space for the danger and what it means to have weakness and vulnerability. And tomorrow we can try to find peace knowing that even if this life is the reason we die before our time, the time we’ll get together will forever be better than a lifetime of what we had before.”

He simply laid his hand on our baby and a small sad smile kissed his lips when the little one answered his touch with a bump back of their own. “Tomorrow.” He whispered. “Tomorrow we’ll be okay.”

“Yes, we will.” I laid my cheek on his head, and he leaned us into the corner of the couch, reclined. “Because neither of us deserved this kind of peace, so we’ll enjoy it for however long we get to have it.”

“Forever, Storm.” He used the remote on the end table to turn the lights off and blanket us in the darkness we both found such familiarity in. “Because even in death, I’m yours.”