18. CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
PEM
One second, I’m wrapped up in my mate, and the next, she’s gone. The muscles in my thighs clench, demanding that I shift and follow her, but I can’t.
Not right now.
My lungs tighten, the cold biting deeper than before, and for a moment, I can’t breathe—I can’t do anything.
Overhead, the sun continues to crawl across the pale sky where Iseol disappeared, and I stare upward, hoping that she returns.
But she doesn’t, and I hang my head.
Pale gold light spills across the frozen lake. It’s too bright, sharpening the hollow ache of her absence.
My paws twitch. Every cell in my body screams at me to chase after Iseol, and my mind thrashes as I’m torn between the duty to my mate and the one to my team.
“Fynuhmar!” I shout to no one.
A broken sound wrenches from my vulpine throat, and the keening cry splits the silence, raw and desperate.
My tail curls around me as if I can somehow keep myself from unraveling completely and floating away.
The Gallagher twins bound over, and the frozen lake quakes under the weight of their bear forms.
“Crom! We’ve got to go!”
I don’t move—I can’t.
It’s as if the last bit of warmth Iseol left me with has frozen over, leaving me leaden and numb to the world around me.
A heavy jaw clamps around my nape, and suddenly, my paws leave the ground. I dangle limply in the air as one of the twins hauls me up like an overgrown kitten.
“Oi, that’s fucking humiliating. Wish I had a camera,” the other brother taunts.
“We could blackmail the wee cunt for all he’s worth!”
They’re trying to lighten the mood, but I’m too upset to comment about how these ursine twats are treating me like a bairn.
What happened back at the lake?
Was it my fault—I told Iseol that I needed to go, so she left first as a defense mechanism because she thought I was actually leaving?
My brain hurts with how hard it’s churning, trying to connect all the dots, but without my mate here to answer my questions, it’s all just speculation.
And nothing good has ever come from that.
By the time we reach the hotel, my body is shaking—not from the cold, but from the sheer effort it takes to keep myself together.
I shift and stumble into my room to find my coach sitting on my bed. His eyebrows form a V over the narrow slits of his eyes as he scowls.
The only thing worse than seeing the rage etched into his features is the gasp that comes behind me.
Turning, I find Ramani standing there, tears welling up in her dark eyes. She barrels into me, hugging me hard.
I stiffen before melting into her touch, the first real thing I’ve felt since I watched Iseol fly off into the sky.
“Oh, bhaee.”
My heart seizes at the softly spoken words so full of emotion because there’s no judgement in them, just acceptance.
“I’m sorry,” I choke out, apologizing to both her and Puck.
The latter sucks in a sharp breath, but my sister just hugs me tighter.
“It’s going to be ok,” she whispers before stepping back to assess the other Puca. “There are things here at play you don’t understand—be nice.”
He scoffs. “Or else what?”
“Or else I’ll tell your wife.”
This gets a reaction out of my coach. He shakes his head, his expression changing from pissed to fearful in record time.
“You’re mean.”
Ramani beams like it’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to her.
“Ah, thank you, Puck. Now remember—listen to what Pem has to say first before you decide to kill him. None of this ‘kill first, ask questions later’ nonsense.”
The other Puca pouts— actually pouts .
“Fine.”
“Good. See you on the ice, bhaee.”
She gives me another squeeze around my middle and then skips off down the hall, a tiny blur of teal and yellow, the Goodfellow’s colors.
“That woman is a bloody menace,” Puck growls.
“That menace is my sister—so watch what you say.”
Coach snorts. “Please. You’re only defending her because she’s on your side.”
“Not true.”
Kinda true.
Puck raises an eyebrow as if he can hear my thoughts.
“Wanna tell me where the hell you’ve been, Cromlech?”
“I…went into rut.”
“Bollocks, you’re on the best suppressants on the market.”
“Right?! I have no fucking clue how it happened—just that it did.”
He inhales, shutting his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose before cracking one lid open to glare at me.
“I believe you.” There’s no need for him to clarify since I know he can smell Iseol on me. “I’m happy for you and your mate, but it’s the worst fucking timing.”
“I know— I know .”
“Did you bring her to watch you play at least?”
My head throbs, my temples pounding from everything that’s happened, and I tug at the fur around my face.
“No, I told her that I needed to leave, and then she left before me.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, you’ve been mated all of—what, two days?—and you’ve managed to run her off?!”
“Shut it, Puck! You don’t think I know how fucked everything is?!”
“Does she even know who you are?”
I flinch. “No.”
Coach hangs his head. “There’s no point in reaming your arse—your mate will do it for me. Can you play, Cromlech?”
“Yes,” I croak.
“Then get dressed and on the ice. We’re lucky the Ice Giants asked to postpone the game an hour, but we’re running out of time.”
With this, he gets up and strides to the door, clicking it shut behind him so that I’m left alone with my misery and guilt.
Sighing, I sit down on the bed and run my hands through my fur, yanking until the pain is the only thing that I can feel.
When I let go, the familiar ache from my mating bond comes rushing back, and I know the only way to fix it is to go back to Iseol.
Why did she leave?
Where did she go?
Despite my resolution not to worry about things I couldn’t answer, the questions keep pouring in.
All of them eat away at my confidence, but none so badly as the last question that slithers like an insidious snake through my mind.
Can I even play today?
I snort. Do I even have a choice at this point considering what I told Puck—was I lying to him or just myself?
Taking a deep breath, I pull on my uniform and grab my favorite twig. It was a gift from my mother that she carved by hand.
Faun are excellent carpenters and craftsfolk, but it’s something I missed out on since I was raised in the Fae realm.
But whenever I hold this stick, I feel the connection to her and my people—feel her cheering me on from beyond The Veil.
If only she were here now…what would she say about my current predicament?
Probably laugh at how terribly I’ve botched everything. And then she would remind me in her lilting accent that nothing is ever truly fucked.
Because bless her sweet soul, my mother swore worse than a drunken sailor.
I chuckle at the memory and her words—nothing’s ever fucked, but it’s true.
Although the phrase is simple, it cuts through my inner fears and shatters the frantic whispers curling at the edges of my mind.
Puca might be known as wicked tricksters, but panic is the real imposter in this world. It lies, cheats, and steals, picking away at our souls.
It whispers that the walls are caving in, that everything is spiraling beyond repair, that one mistake is enough to end it all.
But it isn’t.
It never is, no matter how much it feels like it.
Because panic doesn’t deal in reality—it deals in distortion. It makes smoldering embers look like infernos and turns shadows into monsters.
Nothing is fucked means time still moves forward. That ruin is often just a lesson wrapped in sharp edges. And while painful, these wounds can be healed.
It doesn’t mean there won’t be damage—that there won’t be consequences—but it does mean you can rebuild. It means hope can never truly die if we only but plant the seed of courage to go on.
And that’s what I’m going to do despite the pain lancing through my body. I’m going to have courage that I can play for my team because I gave them my word.
Then I’m going to find my mate and tell her how much I love her and explain everything, knowing that Iseol is kind and understanding.
Knowing that everything isn’t nearly as fucked as it feels.
Slightly buoyed with this outlook, I grab my skates and head out to the lake where the finals are being held.
It’s not nearly as large as my secret one with Iseol, but the sight of it still reminds me of this morning—of her leaving me.
Get it together, Cromlech.
Our tendy, a Bodach with swift hands but gentle mannerisms, skates over to me as I’m lacing up. He sits down in the snow next to me, letting the silence stretch for a bit before he talks.
“We were worried about you.”
It’s harder to hear my mother’s words when the knife of my guilt returns to twist inside my stomach.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry anyone.”
“I know—we know. The team isn’t mad. I just wanted you to know if you need anything, we’re all here for you.”
“Thank you,” I choke out.
The other man shrugs. “It’s what family does—as well point out our fuck-ups and occasionally humiliate one another. Good thing the Twat Twins already took care of that, though, eh?”
I hang my head, surprised at the chuckle that burst past my lips. “Those fuckers.”
“Hear the wee kit Crommy needed to be carried back like a bairn.”
“Go scratch your arse with your toenails!” I growl, shoving him away before getting up. “Focus on your basket, yeah?”
The tendy smirks as the damned Gallagher twins dash by shouting about how they can rock me to sleep tonight if I need their help.
Coach laughs as the rest of the team joins in ribbing me, but some of the guilt fizzles away knowing that the Bodach was right.
No one’s mad at me, not even Puck.
Irritated, definitely, but not mad.
It’s something I can work with and hope that Iseol isn’t mad, either. But knowing how level-headed my girl is, I’m making mountains out of mole hills.
“Game time!” Puck shouts, and I rush over to him so we can meet the other team’s coach and center before the puck drop.
Off to the side, Ramani waves before giving me a thumbs up, and I wink, letting her know that I’m ok.
For now.
The frozen lake rattles a bit under my skates, jolting me to attention, and I stare ahead to see an actual giant made of ice.
He’s nearly three times as tall as me, his glacial gaze boring into me as he gets closer. There’s something unnerving about the way he stares at me—like I’m missing something.
But before I can even let something else get in my head, a flicker of white catches my attention as the Ice Giant’s coach glides into view.
My heart plummets to my stomach as I stumble to my knees at the vision before me. I blink, unsure what to believe anymore.
Because standing before me is my mate.