Chapter 31
CHAPTER 31
MIKAEL
I sense Kenzie is upset with me. I assume it's over the media. I can't refuse the press. Surely she realizes I was put on the spot. I’m not surprised the announcer recognized me. I live here and the media is part of my job. I wanted to be with Kenzie to support her, but the interviewer turned to me and it was impossible to avoid the spotlight as I’m trained to respond to them. They want me on camera to help their ratings.
Unfortunately, Kenzie will probably be cut from the interview or will be shown for a few seconds. I didn’t want to be the focus of the interview.
Did I step on her toes?
Kenzie has to understand that I didn't plan this. However, I can see the situation from her point of view and it looks like I might have overstepped.
This is why being with women in my circle is easier. They understand it's part of the job. Famous people have to be nice to the media, or we get a bad rap. Besides, I have a contractual obligation to the Maulers.
It might look like I stole the spotlight. I get that, but I'll make her understand the situation.
She's worked so hard, and I stole her minute of fame. I'm happy she's pursuing her dream. She conquered her fears and achieved a life goal. I know how that feels—and I stole her moment.
Talk about bad timing.
I survey the shop. The hum of happy voices engulfs me. I watch her interact with customers and she makes the kids feel welcome by handing them lollipops. My teammates are enjoying themselves, and as the afternoon comes to a close, I notice only Kenzie and I are left.
“What to grab for dinner?”
“I don't think so.”
Hm.
“Want to talk about it?”
“NO!”
Alright then. She's pissed.
“I can't fix it if I don't know what's bothering you.”
“I don't need to be fixed. I can do everything by myself.”
“What happened? I'm sorry the reporter interviewed me. I live here, my face and name are famous and I have to talk to the media. I didn't want them to focus on me.”
“That bothered me,” she says, staring into my eyes, “but I get it.” She shrugs and I wait.
“Okay. Then what?” I'm frustrated. She's usually open and direct. What the hell is happening? What did I miss?
I search her face for an answer, and I'm mystified.
“What is it, Kenzie?” I open my hands—my plea is for her to talk to me.
“You are my mysterious business partner,” she whispers.
“What?” I play it off. There’s no way she would know this. The only person I told was Finn. Shit.
“You’re my angel investor, the one I’m not supposed to know about. I don’t know why I didn’t figure it out before. The pub, the champagne. You knew you were going to swoop in and make sure I had the funds to buy the bakery.”
“How did you find out?” There’s no sense denying it. This is my worst nightmare coming true. I knew she would refuse my help. She’s independent to a fault. Why can’t she see I was helping her?
“It doesn't matter,” she huffs.
And this is the part where Chelsey's words replay in my head. The words that haunt me when she said, “I can't have my cake and eat it too.”
Fuck me.
Maybe she’s right. I wanted Kenzie, and I wanted her to have her shop. I took the middle lane, the one with deceit written on it, to make her wish come true. I know how much she wants to own a shop. She deserves the best of everything.
Am I a bad person if my intentions were pure?
I did what I did to preserve our friendship. But it blew up in my face. Now, I’ve risked our friendship and our relationship. My stomach sinks to my toes. This is a disaster.
“You didn't believe I could do it myself!” she fumes at me.
Nothing could be further from the truth. I do believe in her. Doesn’t she realize she needs money to buy the bakery? She should be thanking me!
“You said your loan was turned down. I have money to make your life easier,” I defend myself, and this is when I realize I'm an asshole. I used my money to buy the outcome I wanted knowing that Kenzie takes pride in earning what she has. She’s not hooked on having expensive designer clothes or posh vacations. This is one of the many things I love about her. She’d be content in a cabin living off the land if it meant she would be happy.
And I knew she would refuse my help even if I could make her life easier—and perhaps that's where our differences reside. She's always struggled. She struggled to fight her illness and to obtain the attention and affection of her family. She'd worked for years to learn the business before she became an owner.
She’s a warrior.
She doesn't understand I'm not buying her. I want to share what I have with her. I want to make her life easier. Isn’t that what partners should do?
“I know you can run this bakery and be successful Kenzie. That's why I backed you!”
Kenzie is finished wiping down the counter and flips the lights off. She grabs her coat and purse and storms to the door.
“But you helped yourself, too. Tell me, did you bake last night for me or yourself?”
It's a trick question—and a complicated one.
“I did it for you. You were exhausted. I wanted you to rest.”
“Yeah. Right. But we’re partners so it helps you too. But what hurts the most is that you told the reporter that I'm your friend,” she whispers as she pushes the shop door open.
Well, damn!
“I didn't mean it,” I yell, following after her. I put a hand on her arm as she locks the door. “Kenzie…”
“I thought we had something special,” she mumbles as she runs to her parked car.
“We did, we do. Kenzie!”
What can I say? I don't know if she’ll listen to me.
Am I in love?
All I know is that when I'm with her, I'm happy. The sex was incredible. I never felt a connection like that with anyone. Every time I touch her, it makes me happy and horny. She’s the only woman I see a future with. She’s the woman I want by my side for the next fifty years.
I have no choice but to retreat. I climb into my Rover and remember her sitting beside me earlier. The car still smells of warm vanilla.
I drive home as if I’m on autopilot, and when I walk through the door, I've never felt so alone.
This is what Kenzie must have felt like growing up. She was isolated in the hospital, and when she was home, she was not seen. When she was young her stepfather made her miserable. So miserable she won't return home even if she is homeless.
She has values, she’s principled. I know she will stick to her guns no matter what. She'd never ask me for help. She's never asked her parents for anything. The only person she relies on is Bo.
I don't know how to fix this.
Finn calls, and I'm too depressed to answer.
I need to text him so he won't worry. I shoot off a quick text to thank him for coming to the bakery today. I should be angry he told Kenzie about me investing in the bakery but in his defense, he didn’t know it was a secret.
But my one omission is what broke us.
I broke us.
And to top it off, my fear of taking the next step with her cost me the one thing I want most—her. I acted like she was a casual fling.
I remember how hurt I was when she said I wasn't relationship material. Maybe that’s why I ran to the next woman, to prove her wrong.—only it was the wrong woman. But in the process, I proved that her observation was true.
Maybe I’m not relationship material after all. Maybe that’s why I’m still single.
She deserves someone better than me.
***
Morning dawns, and I can't get out of bed. Dread fills my chest. I hurt the one person I wanted to help.
I'm alone, and it's my damn fault. I roll over and sniff her pillow. The scent of vanilla is still present.
My phone is blowing up.
I reach for it, expecting it to be Kenzie. But—it’s Finn.
I can't speak to anyone. I sit and plant my feet on the floor but when I stand, they are heavy when I walk. Heavy as in exhausted— like I skated through seven overtime periods.
I need a new routine, but I don't want to give up the one I have. I loved stopping by her shop daily.
I love seeing her in the morning. I love her smile, her smell, her cute body—and how she draped herself over me in the morning. I loved waking up to her.
Was it only yesterday that she was here, lying beside me?
And I was telling her Sherlock could come over with her?
I had my first Valentine's Day. It was fantastic—until it wasn't.
I make myself coffee with the push of a button. It's an expensive machine, but it's not Kenzie's coffee.
I miss the blueberry flavor. I looked online and ordered a blueberry cream powder without sugar. Let me see if it will curb my craving for hers.
Meanwhile, I’m craving the one person I can’t have—her.
Her soft skin, soft kisses, and voluptuous boobs. It all happened in a second, and now it's—gone.
I drain the coffee cup. I suppose this is my new normal.
I text Finn. He asked me questions that I dodged. He knows something is off. I don't want to relive yesterday. I just want to forget, well, how much I love her. I want to stop hurting.
The dull ache in my chest nags me.
I didn't eat: my chest feels heavy. I pop an antacid. I mope around the house in my sweats.
I close the blinds so the movie room is dark. I should go to the gym, but instead, I stream John Wick movies all morning.
I'm hungry, and I crave Kenzie's roast beef sandwich.
I open the freezer. I pull out a pint of old mint chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. I use my spoon as a chisel and chop at it.
The clunk, clunk, clunk mimics my heart thumping in my chest.
Finn texts me again. Then Simon. Hell, my closest friends are concerned.
I need a day to myself. I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow.
But tomorrow dawns, and I push myself to attend a required team meeting.
I'm not motivated to shave, so my chin itches after two days of growth.
I'm the last to walk in, and all eyes turn to me.
Finn gives me a “What the fuck?” look. I shrug.
He's better off not getting attached to his girlfriend. If he knew how I felt he might never venture into the dating game.
I sink into a chair, but the coach’s words are “blah, blah, blah.” I can't focus.
The coach must have noticed, “Mikael?”
“Yes, coach?”
“Did you get that?”
“Umm. Sorry coach, I’m off today.”
“Wake up! We have an important week coming up.”
I nod. I’m sure he is nervous about us playing in Canada as we typically don’t do well up there. The meeting ends and I suppose facing my teammates is next.
I'm so screwed.
“Dude. You look like shit,” Finn says.
“Thank you. It was the look I was trying for.” I try to be funny but it falls flat.
He gives me the look that implies I'm crazy.
“What? It's nothing. I must have the flu,” I lie.
“Right.”
Whatever. I don't want to talk.
“What happened with you and Kenzie?”
“Nothing.”
“Right. I'm not buying it. One minute you're on top of the world, and the next you look like you're dumpster diving.”
I chuckle at the mental picture of that. “I feel like it,” I agree.
“So?”
“Nothing. We're nothing.”
“Fine. I'll give you a few days, but if you're still moping after that....”
“I'll be fine,” I say to reassure him, but honestly, I'm trying to reassure myself.
And I'm not feeling it. I have no confidence in myself when it comes to Kenzie. I failed her. I disappointed her. I lied to her.
I move slowly through my day. I lifted my phone thirty times already, intent on calling her but I never followed through. She doesn’t want to hear from me.
I could call Bo and see what's happening, but that's cowardly.
Kenzie will get over me.
I drink scotch and am fucked up before I fall into bed. But when I wake up, I feel like shit again. When will this end?
The days turn into weeks. I go to Canada with the team and Finn assumes we broke up. I played like shit all week. I’m missing passes and dragging ass and I’m not even drinking. There’s no excuse for my poor performance.
After a losing week on top of my lost girlfriend, I’m still moping when I join Finn and the guys at the local country club.
Finn corners me at a table.
“What’s your deal, man? Afraid to commit or what? You’re blowing it with the nicest woman you’ve ever dated. You two are meant to be together.”
“I’m afraid I lost her.”
“What do you mean? You walked away. She’s still here,” Finn argues. He doesn’t get it. She doesn’t want to talk to me. Finn goes over my dating history as if he needs to convince me that we’re meant for one another. I suppose he feels bad for blowing my cover. However, the truth was bound to come out eventually. I only wish I was the one to tell her.
“Kenzie is my best friend. She means the world to me. I’m afraid something will happen to her or us. I’m scared that I’ll fail her. I already have.”
“You can spend the rest of your life being scared of the unknown, or you can run into the darkness with an attitude to conquer the world. And I know that’s what Kenzie would do. She would pick up that torch and burn the world down to save you. You need to go see her. Besides, all couples have arguments. Just look at this as a practice run.”
“She doesn't want to see me.”
“How do you know? You haven't spoken to her. You’ll never know what you two can be if you don’t speak to her. Besides, I’m sure she misses you. If you apologize for calling her your friend instead of your girlfriend, she might forgive you. There is a remedy to making someone more than girlfriend you know.”
It’s his not-so-subtle way of implying I propose. But we haven’t known each other long enough. If we’ve had one argument; there might be more.
“She'll never speak to me again,” I sulk.
“You can sit on the sidelines forever, but it won't get you what you want that way. You know this.”
“What do I want?” I ask sarcastically.
“A wife and a family.”
“Yeah. Right. There’s that,” I mumble.
“You can't give up. Grovel if you have to. You have to fight for her because you love her and you know you belong together.”
“What?”
“You're so stupid!” Finn pounds my back, and it's rather rough.
“The feeling of heartburn and the nights where I toss and turn is love?”
“When it's not the fantastic high you're used to when you're with that person, yes. Your body fucks with your head, your sleep, everything. You need to tell her.”
“It's that simple?”
“It can be. I can't guarantee she'll forgive you, but I'd put money on it.”
So this is what love feels like.
It is fantastic, and at times it really sucks!
“I’ll think about it,” I reply. We leave the restaurant and I head to the gym. I have a crappy workout. I’m not into it. I can’t concentrate on a single task. In despair, I head home, sit in my jacuzzi, and contemplate what Kenzie means to me.
And I realize she's my world. I'm incomplete without her. She’s not in my life and it’s my worst nightmare. She’s honest to a fault, and I wasn’t honest with her out of my fear of losing her. I should have asked her if I could help. I should have given her the benefit of the doubt. I took away her power to make a decision that involves her life.
I have to get her back! I glance at my expensive watch, and for the first time since I’ve worn it, the designer is meaningless to me. I know where Kenzie will be but I have to move fast. There is a tiny window of time in which I can catch her at the shop.
It’s been weeks. My heart races at the prospect of seeing her.
I enter the bakery, and it doesn’t feel the same. Something is off. I don’t feel her presence and I panic when I don't see her.
Sylvie is happy to see me.
“Where’s Kenzie?”
“She didn't feel well. She went home early. Can I help you?”
“No. Thanks.”
My heart is in my throat. I swallow my concern, and my regret is as bitter as collard greens.
Is she sick? Is it serious?
Has fate robbed me of time? I worry she’s relapsed.
I've been so busy wallowing in my misery that I never once thought about what Kenzie would be going through.